luckylilshark

Do I have the right to be a bit peeved here?

I'm an alcoholic presently in rehab. Been talking to a dude who I had a brief fling with 2 years ago, reconnected, and have been talking about being together again. Exclusive, the whole 9. He's even asked me to move in, talk daily, about how the feel about each other, etc etc. We presently live 5 hrs away from each other, but I'm thinking of moving there and he's said he would think about moving to me. I also travel for work often to his city.

I was planning to visit him in Feb for a couple days because we haven't seen each other in MONTHS. He says, "hope you dont get mad i drink" .......like you can't abstain from boozing for three days??? In general him drinking would be fine, I WOULD NOT expect him to quit for me at all, but if I'm coming to visit you for 3 days and you know i'm fresh out of rehab??? idk. kind of irked me.

(NOTE- I know that they say to not get involved in romantic relationships early in recovery, but we were involved much before I went to rehab. )

suki44883

Doesn't sound like a good match up to me. He isn't willing to not drink for 3 days knowing that you are in very early recovery. He sounds like someone who doesn't really care much about your recovery or your feelings for that matter. You say you had a brief fling with him 2 years ago. Well, it doesn't sound like you really know him all that well...only what he's told you. It all sounds suspicious to me and I wouldn't even consider moving in order to be closer to him. Just my own opinions from what you've written.

luckylilshark

yeah if i moved it wouldn't be for him. he wants me to live with him, but i wouldn't. he lives in a cool city. but i hear you, thank you for your reply. he really doesn't seem to give a fck about my recovery...or maybe he doesn't understand alcoholism. i'm not sure..

Taking5

You are in rehab. You shouldn't consider any new relationships until you have some good, solid recovery time under your belt. JMHO.

ForeverDecember

That's a warning sign to me! Recovery is the most important thing in your life right now...

He might be the right guy, but it might be the wrong time? I hear about people swapping one addiction for another, and I reckon it's pretty easy to get addicted to people.

Again, not saying he's a bad guy, or not right for you, but I'd be concerned at this stage. Keep up the friendship, but remember that you come first. If he's the one he'll be there when you're ready.

dawnrunner

What they told us in rehab was that our judgment is skewed and the advice "Don't make any life-changing major decisions for one year" was like an insurance policy against doing things that would sabotage our health and sanity.

I of course did not believe that - who me? poor judgment? - and proceeded to make several changes, including some major purchases, that in retrospect had "dumb decision" written all over them.

So, while he may be a lovely person for you to talk to etc., I would be very wary of the big move and of seeming to offer a commitment right now.

Plus, he is moving way too fast for me, alcohol issues aside. Red flag; JMHO.

cervelo

Not a good time, not a good scenario!
I would be careful.
I would not jump into moving in either.

Take care of yourself FIRST. its all for nothing if you end up back in rehab

Mark75

I try not to give advice so much as share experience. I was in rehab, but already happily married and all that. When I came home, my wife continued to have her one tall white spritzer every night before bed. It took me months to get used to that and deal with all the sh1t that goes with it... people who were here on SR back then will remember my posts about that.

That's my experience... Now my advice.

Bring this up to your counselors and in small group while you are there in rehab. Do you have a right to be "irked".... not really, why should he change? But that plan of yours to go visit for a few days, umm... re-think that, please!

onlythetruth

Lucky, it's just common sense. A guy who can't lay off the sauce for 3 days, knowing you've just been discharged from rehab for alcoholism, is NOT relationship material.

luckylilshark

but i'm not asking him to change. that's why i wrote that i would never expect him to quit for me. i was referring to him implying he wouldn't abstain when i came to visit for a couple days, fresh out of rehab.

(thanks so much for replying to me post too, i really appreciate the two cents!! ya'all have no idea!)

luckylilshark

THIS!! totally how i feel too! i mean c'mon dude. thank you.

sugarbear1

seems like he wants his old girlfriend/drinking buddy/soon to be roommate in his life. I see no give & take here.....seems toxic.

move forward, not backwards...

ReadyAndAble

Well, the good news is that it's better to find out now than after you packed up and moved. I know it's probably disappointing, but my guess is in time you'll realize you dodged a bullet.

I think it makes sense to focus on ourselves in early recovery; it takes time to heal, both physically and emotionally.