SamanthaIam

Hi, I'm back... Was on a sailing trip for a week. Seriously thought I could make it through the trip without drinking, but this crew is hardcore and would not let up. They echoed every single excuse my alkie brain was already saying -- you're on vacation! aw, it's just this week! all sailors drink! you're on island time etc etc -- and I caved. Enjoyed it, too. Stayed with white wine and beer, didn't have any delightful rum drinks (small victory?). Stopped before I got insane, no puking or blackouts or anything.

This would all be fun and fine -- but the trouble starts now. Now that I'm home, I sort of want to resume my former pattern of drinking alone, under a rock, all day. Had 4 beers while watching football yesterday, also not that bad, but the Death Spiral is clearly setting in. I could easily go 6 today, then 8 the next day, then wine all day and all night, and so on.

What I'm really saying is, I don't want to do that. But I am in this indecisive, weird place where I feel like I'm not in control.

Anyway, my head is spinning and I'm just looking for some thoughts or input from everyone here.

Nirvana1

That is why they say cunning, baffling, and powerful. Sometimes we are lead to believe we have control and when nothing bad happens we think that everything is alright. It's your choice to keep giving in or start a plan of recovery so that you don't continue the cycle!

Dee74

I did wonder where you were, a lot of us were following your last posts and were worried about you.

D

mwstylee

I've tried that experiment too many times and the result is always the same: within a couple days, I am right back where I started with daily black-out drinking... it's like falling into the rabbit hole.

LaFemme

I know a thing or two about sailors and going forward I might avoid them until you are more solid in your sobriety.

I am glad you are back on SR.

Scolova

I sure hope you can break out of it and get back sober,
for me it's that one drink and then I'm a zombie for 3 months solid.

SamanthaIam

Yeah.... now that I'm home I have to deal with some of the ugliness that happened before I left. I'm grateful for the trip in that it was a very well-timed escape, but I didn't talk to anyone on the boat about my adventures with either domestic violence or abstinence. I just spaced out.

Back to reality. I'm frustrated, confused, scared and angry. H is gone, and I am back in the house. This is good, since the kids are all coming home for the holidays and it is more or less "normal" for him to be gone, but would be very very upsetting if I were gone. We can have a nice, even wonderful, family time without him. But if I were missing, everyone would be lost and miserable.

Thanks for listening. xo

ReadyAndAble

That's too bad. I think the worst thing that can happen during a relapse is, well, nothing. Because it reinforces the idea that you achieved some small victory. That would only be true if it's a step toward moderate drinking. But moderation isn't really possible, is it? That's why it's actually a step back toward the abyss. As you already observed, the proof is that voice that's already thinking four was a good start, six would be better, and eight even better than that.

I'm glad your back, Sam, and it seems you're well aware of where the next drink leads. Thanks for posting. It's a good reminder for me that there's only two ways to go: forward or back. Don't go back.