cervelo

Well, I am back to Day 1!....but at least I am back.

Had an appointment today with my new family doctor. Told him EVERYTHING. I wrote down everything that I wanted to convey, because I knew I would chicken out once there if I had to just talk about it.

He diagnosed me with depression and was VERY concerned with my alcohol consumption. He said it must stop immediately. I could not agree more.

I began taking an anti-depressant today for the first time in my life. Hopefully this helps with my mood.

My apologies for this short blog entry...as I am attending my first AA online meeting in 3 minutes.

I will be back EVERYDAY to journal my progress. If I can get through the next 2 weeks...I can make it forever!

Thank you to everyone on this forum. You are all AMAZING!

F355

I'm with you, cervelo. Today is also my new day 1. Glad to hear that you have enlisted the help of a doctor.

Best of luck to you, man. You can do this!

dawnrunner

Good move to check in with your MD!! congrats on the new resolve and best wishes - I will look forward to your updates.

Itchy

My heartfelt best wishes and thanks for your post! I feel the same way and once I was a week sober, I knew I finally made it, and now almost 15 months later I know I will never go back! Boy you energized me with your determination! It took that and using my Docs and family and friends, AA, here ( A wise choice!) for me too.

Here are some things I learned and that I authored here during the last year plus of sobriety:

Life doesn't get any easier with time, sobriety does.

I did everything I could to make it. And I am quite frankly surprised at how much of a non-event it is for everybody other than me.

Sobriety is no loss for me but a new adventure.

I am grateful for you!
If you are reading this you are part of the reason I am sober and getting my life back. Newcomer trying, or ten years sober, the power of SR's worldwide support, saying that they "got my back," well, just contemplate that for a moments meditation.

I know I will be a recovering alcoholic for the rest of my life. Because I . . . will . . . be . . . recovering . . . the rest of my life.

I am not losing my mind, alcohol already took it away. I am just picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together again. Some of the pieces are missing. So I get to make new ones that fit in the whole.

Cervelo, as you progress and keep posting keep a file of the things you write as a journal. I have a file of my one liners of the discoveries I made along the way. Some of them I just shared but there is much more. But instead of reading all of mine, start reading some of your own as the post above already contains your first truth when you wrote

"If I can get through the next 2 weeks...I can make it forever!"

That is a truth I found also. It is true for all of us. Unfortunately not all want to be sober forever. Welcome to those who do.

Muunray

I have my life back again...and you can too!

NYCDoglvr

LOL...isn't it true? We are thin-skinned all right. A fellow in one of my meetings raised his hand: "I have 35 years and I still blow everything out of proportion". At least I KNOW that's what I'm doing.

The only thing that's important is that I just don't drink today. They add up though. I have two decades of years.

soberjim

cervelo...thanks for posting. Glad you visited a doctor. Keep posting on how you are doing. One day at a time.

Jim

F355

Itchy,

Congrats on your 15 months! I am proud of you, I envy you (but in a good way). I also look up to you. I would give anything to have that kind of sober time under my belt, so I had better work hard. Starting right now.

Again, congrats on 15 months...

Dee74

welcome back cervelo

D

Itchy

F355,
That is all I had to give too, hard work, and starting right now. My perspective has changed. Look at those two sentences. Before I got sober I might have had to gulp a beer and take a drag on my cigarette before I could write them. If between sentence one and two I realized I was out of beer and/or smokes I would have had to go get more before I could type the second.

Now I look back at each sentence and revel sometimes at how easy those seconds of sobriety were. I don't fear the next few seconds as I did before. I already have all I need. You do too. Start reading here a lot. And remember I am just a drunk like you. I just decided I needed my dignity, and my self respect, more than I needed a smoke and a drink. Then I got all the help I could from my docs, in hospital detox, counseling, AA, most of all here sometimes 18 hours a day when i was irritable, feeling a little scared, experiencing some withdrawal symptoms, or just needed a friend.

Every one with earlier dates than I have were the ones I looked up to too. Some took a personal interest in me and others just cheered me on when I was proud of a time period. Now I know that I was there, like them, the whole time, I just had to rediscover me.

Now it is my turn, and before long if you do start right now, it will be your turn, to reach out and be there too. But first, be there for you. Keep us posted.

AA4life

Following the doctors orders, going to meetings and taking SSRI's are what keep me sober. Stick with the anti depressants it takes a few weeks for them to kick in. When they finally do, man does it help!

Congrats, the journey of a thousand years starts with a single day. Good luck.

cervelo

Thank you everyone for all your kind words. They truly do keep me going, knowing others have been here where I am....and others are exactly where I am.

It is now 5am, and I am here to check in. I was unable to sleep since 4am.
I went to bed very early to avoid any chance of cravings and 7 hours later (4am), woke up sharp as can be? It was very odd not getting up 4 times to go to the washroom to void the beer that I would have normally drank? I can tell my sleep quality was better?

I 100% do not expect every night to be like last night. Day one I always found the easiest because that is when motivation is the strongest.

My wife wife was extremely proud of me that I took the steps to change doctors and found one who actually listened and understood alcoholism. This was a huge stress relief after the visit yesterday. He spent a lot of extra time with me. He listened and asked intelligent questions afterwards.
I know some of his other patients that were in the waiting room with appointments behind me were probably getting upset for their wait time.........It it was any of you waiting ....I apologize.....But with the extra time he spent with me yesterday....He may have just saved my life!

Thank you everyone again with the kind words of encouragement. I don't know where I would turn without this forum and the people here!

Have a great day.........Although I am sure I will be back 10 times today when challenges present themselves.
I hope someday I can assist and motive people like others here!

cervelo

Well, here is the beginning of day 3.
Last night was not fun. I did not feel very well at all. Not sure if it was because the 2nd day of Pristiq or because of 2nd day no drinking....or combination?
My wife is still being very supportive which is great. She didn't mind when I told her I wanted to go to bed at 8pm....she even joined. I went to bed early to avoid any cravings or temptations that were beginning.

My appetite is not very good, and could not eat a bit of dinner last night.
Woke up with a headache and slightly hungry. The funny thing is...after I used to drink every evening, I would never wake up with a headache....interesting.

Nevertheless, I am VERY excited to have made it to day 3. I really think this time will be different than the last times I attempted to kick this disease.

My wife and I planned what I would say throughout Christmas to others when offered a drink....."I am back training for triathlons....sorry no drink for me".
My entire family will be drinking during the holidays, so it will be a challenge. My wife promised to be by my side and there to help. We even made a pact to leave all the family functions and get together's early to avoid temptation. My wife actually liked this idea since she doesn't enjoy the events anyways...lol.

I told myself if I can make it through these 2 Christmas weeks(the most difficult weeks of the year to me without drinking due to all the temptation)....I can make it forever!

Anything is possible!
DO or do not...there is no TRY!

Lets hope I fell better today. Not sure how long it will take before Pristiq shows signs of helping?

Good luck to everyone today.

Eddiebuckle

Cervelo,

The first weeks are certainly the most challenging, but the changes continue for much longer. I recommend the book Under the Influence to anybody in early sobriety - for me it really helped me to undderstand that what I was experiencing (such as poor sleep and appetite initially) is normal and part of the process. Also, reading about what I could expect - improved mood, mental acuity, memory, etc. was helpful, it gave me things to look forward to. The whole process is gradual, you don't wake up one day and say "I feel 100% better than yesterday" - but over time you will notice the changes and they are significant.

When I quit drinking, I really didn't have high hopes for actually liking a life without alcohol. I figured that I would slog through my days wanting to drink and gritting my teeth through it all. Next Thursday I will have two years sober, and I can tell you that I wouldn't go back to the "old me" for all the tea in china.

Sobriety is a gift that takes some serious effort to achieve but the impact on your life is beyond description. Good luck, and keep posting!

cervelo

Congratulations on your upcoming 2 years Eddie! That is fantastic.
I pray for the day I am that far into my recovery, and that I may have your experience to help others as you have for me.

Sapling

You know....There is nothing wrong with saying...No thanks...I'm fine. I had a family reunion 1 week out of rehab and I was still shaking and baking. They rented a house on an island not far from where I live....It had been planned for a year...My detox and rehab hadn't. I went over there a few days out of the week they were here...Showed up late...Left early...And I always had a bottle of water in my hand no matter where I went. That helped...Because if you are drinking something...People tend not to ask you if you want something to drink. It also kept me from setting a glass down and picking someone elses up by mistake. I just held onto my bottle of water.

I had a good time....Didn't drink....and actually got some positive feedback out of it. Something I wasn't used to at family reunions....You get the point. Go there...Have fun...If you don't feel comfortable...Then leave....If you are worried about what other people think about you...It's none of your business...That makes sense...Doesn't it..You sound like you want this...You sound like you need it...Now you just have to be willing to do it.

cervelo

I made it to day 4!! I can't believe it! This morning I feel like I am getting somewhere!

Last evening was a challenge. I had to keep very busy, and tired easily. When I went to bed early again to combat my cravings, I found my headache returned and was much worsen and felt the pressure, my heart was pounding much harder than normal to the point my wife would feel it. HR stayed normal. I was hot then cold....hot then cold. I felt my BP was elevated but could not find the BP cuff to check.
So to say the least....my sleep quality was poor last evening

First thing this morning I headed out to Walmart and had my BP checked .... 144/89 hr of 64. For me....that is a elevated BP since I am normally 118 over 68ish.
I will have to watch my sodium intake today and keep an eye on the pressure.

I have to say I didnt think I would make it to day 4.....but here I am and am very proud.
Actually......My wife told me last evening how proud she was...I was shocked. It takes a lot to impress my wife! Made me feel like a million dollars!

I am not sure how I made it this far? Is it the Pristiq the doctor put me on,or pure determination, or admitting I have a SERIOUS problem?

Either way....changing family physicians to one who actually listened to me was the best decision of my life. One that may have saved my life.
He cared, listened to me, let me read my entire list of things I had wrote out about my problem, and how it is affecting my family, and family history of alcohol abuse.
He then asked intelligent questions to make sure he completely understood why I drank, what I drank, how often I drank, if there were stressors that increased my drinking, how long I have been doing this etc.

After a very long appointment he diagnosed me as depressed....my wife 100% agreed.
I had an extremely stressful job where I saw things that no one should have to ever see. Then I would come home and drink to help relax and forget. You felt like you were helping while working...but then when you get home, re replay the events and wonder what else you could have done? Always second guessing.
Since then I have left that employer to stay home and raise our 1 year old. It was a better alternative than a nanny, and fiscally more responsible than my wife staying home. Which bring on an entire new set of stereotypes.

To make a long story short.....

If anyone is having troubles stopping....Please see a doctor. If the one you are currently seeing doesn't seem to care or understand....find one who does! After years with a poor family physician, it was a God send finding the right one!
I now think I have potential to do this! He gave me hope, told me I do not have to do this alone, gave me ideas, medication, a plan, and told me how to talk to my wife to help.

I am sure and I know I am never going to be cured and there will be very challenging days and years ahead....but I am on day 4 and am PROUD! I cant remember the last time I made it here!

The other good thing is....I have saved between $14 and $20 a day since beginning ...imagine how much a year..or the last 15 years I spent?..unreal.

cervelo

Day 5

Yesterday was by bar the worst day yet!
Zero energy, zero motivation and felt ill 90% of the day.
Appetite gone, week and a little jittery, not to mention horrible sleep the previous evening.

Hopefully I feel better with family coming on Wednesday from across the country. I am starting to wonder if I should have waited until after Christmas to not have these side effects while hosting company over the holidays?

Last nights sleep was a little better. Woke up with more energy this am. Appetite still not there.

I am curious where people had their biggest challenges and where they felt the worst? Was it the first few days?...first week, month? When does my body adjust even a little to not feel ill like this?

Good luck to everyone today!

MemphisBlues

Maybe I'm a "better" alcoholic, but at Day 5 I certainly was in miserable shape. AT Month 5, I still was. Getting sober over the holidays will be a tremendous challenge, and I worry that you could find yourself being back to Day 1 with a lot of drinking at parties, etc.

You have really got to want it, to be determined. For me, going to AA meetings every day for the first few months was the only way I had any hope of staying sober.

I'm not pushing AA, but it's the easiest way I know of finding people just like me who are struggling through the holidays.

My Day 5? I was still shaking, sick as a dog, and still praying that the withdrawals would go away.

If you are still up and able to work, I suspect you will find that you will start feeling better in another week or so. Please hang tough. The temptation would be to great for this alcoholic when I was in my first week. Ido hope you can reach out to others for help.

Most areas have marathon AA meetings over the holidays. Can you slip out to "go to the store" from visiting family and hit one?

cervelo

Day 6

Yesterday was a challenge....WOW. My wife was gone 10 hours at work. I was home alone, not a good scenario. The fridge is full of beer and wine for our guest arriving tomorrow from across the country. Somehow my will "this time" was able to stay away!

I attended 4 online AA meetings yesterday to help. Amazing to hear others stories and struggles. It actually gives strength.

I wake up daily with a headache......I never did when I drank everyday. My sleep patterns are horrible. My mind goes a 100 miles and hour at times.

Today it is my goal to exercise and stay sober. The stress of all the guest coming tomorrow is secondary. If there is something I forgot to pick up or clean..too bad. If I can stay sober...that is Priority 1!

Thank MemphisBlues, for your reply. I will be unable to get out to a AA meeting, but will be attending several ones ones a day over the holidays for added support.

My family has no idea I quit drinking. My wife is the only one who knows and is extremely supportive. I have a family of drinkers, who would not understand quitting. So I do not bother explaining. They will not get it. It is the norm where I live to drink, and drink all the time. It is the culture in the blue collar town I live in. To me, as long as my wife understands and is supportive, that is all the family I need and want knowing. Otherwise it will cause added stress and will change the holiday dynamics that "I" am a alcoholic......when they cant even see it in themselves who drink as much if not more daily than I do/did.

This is the LONGEST I have gone without drinking in 20 years. My body feels horrible, but my mind has periods of clarity between when it is going non-stop. I actually slow down and taste my food now, instead of washing it down with beer.
My bowel habits have completely changed, since I don't have 6-8 beer to expel every morning. I have more patience now.....my wife tells me.....but also can tell I am anxious at times.

Thank you everyone here on this board. This is the first place I found when looking for help.

Lets hope Day 7 comes quick....and these headaches stop.