F355

When I wake up in the morning I begin a cycle of drinking about ten cups or more of coffee per day.

Although I'm without it at the moment I habitually use marijuana.

I often play free video poker on my computer because I enjoy the rush of winning so much when I hit big hits. Nevermind the losses.

I have been drinking heavily for almost ten years. Last night I had a nasty binge in which I consumed almost two entire bottles of wine.

So today I drove to Vegas, thinking I'd hole up in a room for a few nights and get dry.

As of this moment, I have consumed something on the order of ten drinks. Maybe more.

I went gambling, too. Surprisingly, I was actually up almost $900 a one point. Now I am up about $200.

So I guess I should still be happy, being up something, but actually I am in a pretty foul mood for being so stupid at giving back all that cash.

After those losses I did something I almost never do and smoked a cigar, inhaling every hit to get a buzz from the tobacco.

And now I am sitting back in my hotel room on this supposed to be "dry" weekend realizing just how much of an addict I apparently am. I feel like ****, to put it frankly. I want more booze but I am too tired/strung out to even move.

I don't know what to say at this point. I'd almost rather not exist anymore than go on with this, even though the point of getting sober is to live.

I am sorry I have let you all down. I really do intend to stay sober, to be that shining example of a recovering alcoholic who really sticks to his guns.

I haven't given up though. I am just as determined as ever to quit these habits. I just wish I had more serious progress to report.

I have spent the past 7 months dieting and exercising everyday, to undo the harm done but a couple years of really heavy drinking. AT one point, I had lost more than 30 pounds, and was starting to look pretty fit again. But after a few weeks of some nasty slipups, I'm starting to look like a fat slob again. Maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but still, I simply cannot belive I am allowing myself to slip like this again.

This post is written in a total attempt at honesty. I don't even know why. I guess somehow I figure that being honest is a first step at recovery. I don't know what to do now. I surrender. I am truly and totally lost. I hope I make it out somehow. When I wake up in the morning I will once again reevaluate my situation and try to come up with a plan at sobriety.

Best wishes to all, and hope you're doing a bit better than me at the moment. Cherish every little bit of success you have. It may very well be the best thing you could ever have in this world.

Bianca105

F3,
I appreciate you posting.
Over the past year I have tried to cut back only to have everything escalate and it's only now that I have seven days, finally.

I have been consumed with some nasty feelings of self-loathing and it's good to know I'm not alone.
I hope in the morning you take your $200, gather yourself together, and get out of Vegas.
you can do it
i appreciate your sharing even though you're not in a good place, my thoughts are with you

InsertNameHere

Well I didn't go to Vegas last weekend but, I hear you on the addict. I smoke a pack a day, dip/chew copenhagen, drink to much caffeine and until the last couple of days drank 12-18 beers every night. Also I play video poker and other games, though not with real money. Last weekend I didn't make it either and for some reason I went off worse than usual, and just drank 24/7 or at least when I wasn't passed out on the floor. I know how it is man. like I said I am only on day two again and approaching yet another weekend that I can't guarentee won't find me drinking, but I hope it wont and I am gritting my teeth already and its only Thursday. I hope you get the hell out of Vegas I have been there done that, and come back a few thousand dollars poorer and hungover for it. Good Luck man get back to us when you get out.

Dee74

One thing I learned is it's never too late F355.

I'd imagine there are lots of Drs in Vegas - please see one if you feel unwell.

I'd imagine there's all sorts of recovery groups and meetings and treatment facilities too although I can only find AA right now - others may have more info.

Welcome to the Las Vegas Central Office Website | Las Vegas Central Office

If you're too sick to drive you might at least be able to find some help in this link:
Find Help - Nevada211.org

You can turn this around F355
D

instant

F355.
For me once I accepted my total despair, and stopped struggling I could, face the total dread, sit with the discomfort and start to heal. It sounds like you might be at a similar point.

I am now 7 months sober today after many years of struggling. I am free. This can be yours.

F355

I am very grateful to have the help ad support of such a good group of people. Thanks everyone. I agree with all of the above. Why go on struggling this way? These addictions cause nothing but harm in my life. I am not going to fight it anymore. I am going to do the only rational thing and stop.

Today is my sober date. I have never really set a date before. December 15, 2011 it is!

PowerOfMind

Hi F355, congrats on setting a start date. I am L.A newbie too, less than 2 weeks and can totally relate to having an addictive personality and behaviors. You can do this, one day at a time. Sending strong vibes your way for day 1.

Deserto

Congrats on quitting today! That's awesome.

If I understand your post, you're just visiting Vegas, correct? It might be worth thinking about leaving if you don't have an obligation to be there -- Vegas is a tough place to be for anyone in early sobriety.

Whatever you choose -- we're pulling for you!

F355

Thanks for the kind words and support. I came to Vegas thinking I'd hide away for a few days and dry up -- how funny is that! I think I'm going to have to rethink that strategy.

NYCDoglvr

We've all been in your place, at least I have. We alcoholics will do ANYTHING to escape our feelings ... drink, drugs, gambling, food, whatever. Eventually we realize none of it works.

You don't have to drink or do drugs.

One day at a time you can not-drink.

Perhaps some people can get sober on their own but I couldn't. AA doesn't cost a dime and the support of other addicts can save your life.

God bless!!

F355

NYC, you know what's funny? I've been analyzing this wild night of gambling of mine, and I realize something... it's NOT about the money, at least not for me. That is, the stimulus behind the behavior. It's all about the rush of going after the big win. Here I was, up way more than I have ever been on a night of gambling, and I gave most of it back. admittedly, I was quite drunk by the time I started behaving so recklessly, but still, it was totally irrational.

Sure, gambling hasn't destroyed my life yet -- I've never been in a position to gamble frequently enough for that to happen. But what I notice is that the same underlying addictive trait is responsible for the behavior. And this Addictive Voice has NEVER done me any good. Every time I've listened to it I've ended up hurt. So why listen to it at all? Anything "it" tells me to do, always ends up resulting in some degree of harm.

dawnrunner

Maybe this is it, the moment when your life turns away from destruction with its lonely-early-death, and towards health, sanity, and happiness.

If you haven't yet found a meeting in Vegas, and if you are still there, find one and go. Then get yourself home and on the way (you are driving?) form a battle plan. You need: a support network, a set of life changes, a new nutrition plan, exercise plan, new day to day schedule, possibly some talks with family friends and loved ones, honesty honesty honesty and good sleep.

Bets wishes and I am cheering for you and hoping that you wake up tomorrow sober and feeling wonderful. And every day thereafter. You go!!

Programmatic

I've always found this phenomena fascinating. Every alcoholic/addict in the throes of their misery says this and usually repeats it ad nauseum.

While I can empathize with the feeling I still don't understand what possesses one to say this. As best as I can tell it is transference of self guilt, shame and remorse to the listener.

Let me put it this way. You didn't let me down. You're posting information on a forum I use as inspiration for what to do and what not to do to live a sober, fulfilling life. Any information posted is of use. The only way you let me down is to go out and never post again. If you do that I'll never know that you let me down.

Apologies if this came off as a rant, it's just one of those things I've never really discussed that just gets me.

Congratulations on your new ambition to get and stay sober. We're here whether you achieve it or not. Having been there I can tell you the other side is worth the hell it takes to get here and from this perspective it's hell staying on that side and not realizing I don't have to.

Impurrfect

(((F355))) - good for you on the sobriety date!! I totally understand the adrenaline rush, though I never got into gambling. For years, I was a nurse in the "high stress" areas, because I really loved that rush feeling. Lost that career to addiction, ended up turning to crack and that was another rush - the lifestyle, hiding/running from cops, etc.

I chose recovery a little over 4-1/2 years ago. Though I still like the occasional rush, I'm much more comfortable with calm..something I never thought I would be. Don't get me wrong, I still love the rush, but it's no longer about drugs or wasting money. It took a while, but it happened. I have a bad tendency for putting off stuff, so rushing to get stuff done for school or work still happens, but it actually feeds that adrenaline junkie that I am, and it's a lot healthier than what I used to do.

You can do this, and you DESERVE it!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

gaffo

I agree with programmatic's point about going through hell and looking back. Once you get a month into it you'll start to see something that you can build on. Like you, I was working out and making some progress losing a little weight but once I stopped drinking I really noticed a positive difference in my workouts. Get rid of the beer get rid of the beer gut, duh! It's turned into a nice tool for staying on the path. Good luck.

InsertNameHere

Glad you set a date and I hope you stick to it. I agree with Deserto if you don't live there and don't need to be there I would get the F out of Vegas. That place (or at least anywhere near the strip) is a world unto itself screaming that booze gambling and partying will cure all your aills. But those lights, buildings and cheap entertainment don't all pay for themselves (or they do depending on your view point). I don't know if I could imagine trying to dry out in a place where booze is litterally everywhere, no offense.

INH