Am I an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
I don't really care for the label, but watch for increases in tolerance and craving. I had a long run for a while without any problems that would make me want to stop. Looking back, though, I certainly was increasing my intake amount and frequency even then. When I started thinking that beer just wasn't cutting it anymore and switched to hard liquor, I probably should have wised up, but I didn't.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I'm going to approach it from a different angle than Robby did....
That was my experience as well. I recall going to meetings and telling everyone that when I'm not drinking I'm just fine, I feel great, I'm not depressed, etc etc etc. Looking back NOW though, I was lying to myself, believing the lie and telling ppl what I needed to so they'd tell me what I wanted to hear. "Delusion" is a component of alcoholism.... whereas denial is denying the truth or denying reality, delusion is a bit more "sinister," if you will. With delusion, you don't even recognize that you're lying......or not seeing the truth. While I can't say you're "alcoholic" (especially since in AA we have a very specific definition of what alcoholism is and what problem-drinking is) anytime I hear someone talking about drinking more than they want....and seem to have lost the ability to control it...... alcoholic or not, it's a problem that you really need to look at. You may be just as alcoholic as I am or, as one of the AA books suggests, you may be a "potential alcoholic" that's on his way to becoming the real deal. Either way, you owe it to yourself to find out for sure, yanno?
Coping methods.....I had them too. They worked for a while then, over a period of time, they didn't work anymore. Slowly but surely, I found myself breaking all my OWN darn rules when it came to booze. Again...important stuff to keep an eye on.
edit---- just noticed TU mentioned "craving." That doesn't necessarily mean that you're dyin' for a drink.....or jonesin' for your next drunkfest...... (that's what I thought it meant when I was new and was trying to figure things out). And since I didn't necessarily alllllllllways want to be drinking, I was convinced I didn't have "the craving." Another way to look at craving is this: when you start to drink, especially when you set out to have a couple...or no more than 3.....or something similar ... are you able to stick to your plan? If you plan to have a couple but find you usually blow right through that and have a bunch....I'd suggest that maybe......maybe you're drinking more than you intended because once you prime the pump with a couple, a craving kicks in that tells you you reeeally want/need another. In AA, we tend to use the term "craving" for what happens once you START to drink...not necessarily a walkin-around-dry feeling. Even though it was pretty rare for me to think "Man, I can't WAIT to get loaded......" (which I thought meant I didn't have a craving), it was equally rare that I'd only have 1-3 on the nights I started out to only have 1-3......I almost alllllllways had more - and that's what, in AA, we mean by CRAVING. --hope that makes sense.
I can still go about 10 days or so without drinking and I feel great! I am clear headed, optimistic, motivated, but then I get some trigger, and just go back to drinking for a couple of days until I feel like crap and feel terribly guilty and I try to get back on the 'no drinking forever' cycle. When I am alone, it's usually 1 bottle of wine, or a few shots of vodka. I find I love to drink slowly over a few hours while I'm cleaning, or organizing, or doing things that are really boring. It's something about the slow buzz that is entertaining.
I can say that if in my house, if I have 2 bottles of wine, I will drink it all. If I have 1 bottle of wine, I will drink it. So I never keep anything in the house. I just buy a certain amount for the night and then don't leave the house after that. But what kind of life is that?
edit---- just noticed TU mentioned "craving." That doesn't necessarily mean that you're dyin' for a drink.....or jonesin' for your next drunkfest...... (that's what I thought it meant when I was new and was trying to figure things out). And since I didn't necessarily alllllllllways want to be drinking, I was convinced I didn't have "the craving." Another way to look at craving is this: when you start to drink, especially when you set out to have a couple...or no more than 3.....or something similar ... are you able to stick to your plan? If you plan to have a couple but find you usually blow right through that and have a bunch....I'd suggest that maybe......maybe you're drinking more than you intended because once you prime the pump with a couple, a craving kicks in that tells you you reeeally want/need another. In AA, we tend to use the term "craving" for what happens once you START to drink...not necessarily a walkin-around-dry feeling. Even though it was pretty rare for me to think "Man, I can't WAIT to get loaded......" (which I thought meant I didn't have a craving), it was equally rare that I'd only have 1-3 on the nights I started out to only have 1-3......I almost alllllllways had more - and that's what, in AA, we mean by CRAVING. --hope that makes sense.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
You sound like me about five years ago. Even if you are not an alcoholic, I think you need to be very careful because it seems that your drinking has steadily progressed over the years. Where will you be five years down the road?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
"is my life better without alcohol".
I like to see it this way too. I can think of no reason to drink at all as it will not make anything better for me. And when I found myself asking myself if I had a problem with drinking, it made me uncomfortable just entertaining that thought. So if you have to ask, you likely have a problem with it. Non alcoholics don't analyze their drinking.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Welcome to SR!
I don't necessarily think "if you have to ask then the answer is yes", but I do think that most normal drinkers don't get seriously concerned about whether or not they are an alcoholic, most normal drinkers just cut down on their drinking or stop drinking if they think they drink too much.
Don't worry about 90 in 90... Some people do it and some don't -- I never have -- but either way it's not something you have to worry about now. If you want to go to a meeting and just check it out then just go. I totally get the black and white thinking, I'm the same way, but that kind of extremism can be a detriment in recovery.
Best wishes!
I don't necessarily think "if you have to ask then the answer is yes", but I do think that most normal drinkers don't get seriously concerned about whether or not they are an alcoholic, most normal drinkers just cut down on their drinking or stop drinking if they think they drink too much.
Don't worry about 90 in 90... Some people do it and some don't -- I never have -- but either way it's not something you have to worry about now. If you want to go to a meeting and just check it out then just go. I totally get the black and white thinking, I'm the same way, but that kind of extremism can be a detriment in recovery.
Best wishes!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 18
I wanted to say thank you for all your responses. I am overwhelmed. All your variety of responses were full of wisdom and gave me a lot to think about. I will have to re-read a few times for sure.
I appreciate the time you've given to read my post and take the time to respond. I have a lot to reflect on, I see my therapist tomorrow and this has really helped me tremendously. I hope to post here more often as I continue my journey. It's quite a gift that the posters give to others when you share your advice and share your journey. It feels good not to feel alone in this time.
Thank you again for all your responses. I don't want my situation to get worse, it doesn't feel good, and I appreciate your feedback.
I appreciate the time you've given to read my post and take the time to respond. I have a lot to reflect on, I see my therapist tomorrow and this has really helped me tremendously. I hope to post here more often as I continue my journey. It's quite a gift that the posters give to others when you share your advice and share your journey. It feels good not to feel alone in this time.
Thank you again for all your responses. I don't want my situation to get worse, it doesn't feel good, and I appreciate your feedback.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 18
Hi everyone, I read my post from 6 months ago today. I wanted to post a follow up.
When I read my original post and I compare where I am, 6 months later, I feel like a totally different person. I was in denial 6 months ago when I was struggling internally to figure out what was my problem with alcohol.
The truth was, it was a problem. I was able to stop for 10 days or so, but looking back, I hadn't done that in over 2 years. In fact, I was drinking almost everyday. I was convincing myself that I was happy, I had a great job, etc. I wasn't happy, I wasn't doing that great at my job. To prevent morning hangovers, I was taking Xanax with my alcohol at night, and then during the day. I was going through a 30 day bottle of Xanx in about 6 days. It never occurred to me that was a problem. I thought I just needed more than the doctor thought.
I had forgotten all the blackouts I had over the years, I had forgotten calling in sick to work because I was hungover. I was in denial how much my drinking had gotten worse in the last few years. Towards the last 2 years, I was drinking alone. I wanted to be alone. My life had gotten so small.
I had forgotten I was trying to get through my stressful workday by sneaking vodka into a smoothie and drinking it at work. I spent most of this past Christmas holiday alone, drinking, watching youtube videos, and listening to the same songs over and over and crying.
That was when I posted my post on SR asking for help. It amazes me how much I minimized my drinking problem at the time. It amazes me how strong my denial was. I am an alcoholic, my life was out of control, and I never want to drink again.
In March 2012, I finally got into a Drug/Alcohol Outpatient program. Even then, I thought maybe I just have to stop drinking for a while until I get my life together. Ha!
As of today, I am sober for 105 days. My life is totally different.
I am still in Outpatient going a few nights a week, I have made a whole set of new friends. I go to AA, have a sponsor, and working the steps. My life is more hopeful, I am learning to live a whole different way. I feel supported in many ways and I am very thankful. I can't believe in only about 3 months, my outlook on life has changed so much.
Thank you to everyone for all your post contributions and keeping this board going. SR has been instrumental in my recovery. I read through the forum every single night! Thank you!
When I read my original post and I compare where I am, 6 months later, I feel like a totally different person. I was in denial 6 months ago when I was struggling internally to figure out what was my problem with alcohol.
The truth was, it was a problem. I was able to stop for 10 days or so, but looking back, I hadn't done that in over 2 years. In fact, I was drinking almost everyday. I was convincing myself that I was happy, I had a great job, etc. I wasn't happy, I wasn't doing that great at my job. To prevent morning hangovers, I was taking Xanax with my alcohol at night, and then during the day. I was going through a 30 day bottle of Xanx in about 6 days. It never occurred to me that was a problem. I thought I just needed more than the doctor thought.
I had forgotten all the blackouts I had over the years, I had forgotten calling in sick to work because I was hungover. I was in denial how much my drinking had gotten worse in the last few years. Towards the last 2 years, I was drinking alone. I wanted to be alone. My life had gotten so small.
I had forgotten I was trying to get through my stressful workday by sneaking vodka into a smoothie and drinking it at work. I spent most of this past Christmas holiday alone, drinking, watching youtube videos, and listening to the same songs over and over and crying.
That was when I posted my post on SR asking for help. It amazes me how much I minimized my drinking problem at the time. It amazes me how strong my denial was. I am an alcoholic, my life was out of control, and I never want to drink again.
In March 2012, I finally got into a Drug/Alcohol Outpatient program. Even then, I thought maybe I just have to stop drinking for a while until I get my life together. Ha!
As of today, I am sober for 105 days. My life is totally different.
I am still in Outpatient going a few nights a week, I have made a whole set of new friends. I go to AA, have a sponsor, and working the steps. My life is more hopeful, I am learning to live a whole different way. I feel supported in many ways and I am very thankful. I can't believe in only about 3 months, my outlook on life has changed so much.
Thank you to everyone for all your post contributions and keeping this board going. SR has been instrumental in my recovery. I read through the forum every single night! Thank you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by vivjourney 
1. Am I an alcoholic?
I never want anyone to know how much I really want to drink. But after I come home, then I find I will drink by myself to get more of the buzz and chill out from after going out. It's nuts.
I can say that if in my house, if I have 2 bottles of wine, I will drink it all. If I have 1 bottle of wine, I will drink it. So I never keep anything in the house. I just buy a certain amount for the night and then don't leave the house after that. But what kind of life is that?
.
I never want anyone to know how much I really want to drink. But after I come home, then I find I will drink by myself to get more of the buzz and chill out from after going out. It's nuts.
I can say that if in my house, if I have 2 bottles of wine, I will drink it all. If I have 1 bottle of wine, I will drink it. So I never keep anything in the house. I just buy a certain amount for the night and then don't leave the house after that. But what kind of life is that?
.
the good news? there's something better for you in sobriety
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 13
I want to chime in on this. I just recently joined the forum, but I've been power drinking for 30 years. I went to rehab at 26, and quit for 1 year. Over the next 20 years, I have stopped numerous times for one, two, and three months at a time. None of those times did I white-knuckle it at all. I just took a break. The problem is, when I started back up I resumed heavy, blackout drinking almost immediately.
Trust me, over time it continues to get worse and worse. If it causes problems in your life in any way, and you continue to drink...you are definitely an alcoholic. You'll know in good time. Eventually no one will want to be around you when you're drinking, and you will lose all your dignity, self-respect, and the trust of your family and friends.
I remember them telling us in group that it was a progressive disease, and I kind of laughed it off at the time. I now know this to be true. If I knew then what I know now, I would have worked harder to stay sober (maybe). Now I have to deal with a much larger problem 20 years later. The older you get, and the longer you drink, the more of a life-and-death matter it becomes. I finally decided 8 days ago I have had enough, and decided it is time to do what I should have done 20 years ago.
One of the sayings I picked up here that I can relate to is "I've dug the hole deep enough...It's time to put down the shovel. If you have any doubt, I suggest you do yourself a favor and get away from it now. Take it from someone who's been there.
Trust me, over time it continues to get worse and worse. If it causes problems in your life in any way, and you continue to drink...you are definitely an alcoholic. You'll know in good time. Eventually no one will want to be around you when you're drinking, and you will lose all your dignity, self-respect, and the trust of your family and friends.
I remember them telling us in group that it was a progressive disease, and I kind of laughed it off at the time. I now know this to be true. If I knew then what I know now, I would have worked harder to stay sober (maybe). Now I have to deal with a much larger problem 20 years later. The older you get, and the longer you drink, the more of a life-and-death matter it becomes. I finally decided 8 days ago I have had enough, and decided it is time to do what I should have done 20 years ago.
One of the sayings I picked up here that I can relate to is "I've dug the hole deep enough...It's time to put down the shovel. If you have any doubt, I suggest you do yourself a favor and get away from it now. Take it from someone who's been there.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by vivjourney
It amazes me how much I minimized my drinking problem at the time. It amazes me how strong my denial was. I am an alcoholic, my life was out of control, and I never want to drink again.
In March 2012, I finally got into a Drug/Alcohol Outpatient program. Even then, I thought maybe I just have to stop drinking for a while until I get my life together. Ha!
As of today, I am sober for 105 days. My life is totally different.
I am still in Outpatient going a few nights a week, I have made a whole set of new friends. I go to AA, have a sponsor, and working the steps. My life is more hopeful, I am learning to live a whole different way. I feel supported in many ways and I am very thankful. I can't believe in only about 3 months, my outlook on life has changed so much.
Thank you to everyone for all your post contributions and keeping this board going. SR has been instrumental in my recovery. I read through the forum every single night! Thank you!
In March 2012, I finally got into a Drug/Alcohol Outpatient program. Even then, I thought maybe I just have to stop drinking for a while until I get my life together. Ha!
As of today, I am sober for 105 days. My life is totally different.
I am still in Outpatient going a few nights a week, I have made a whole set of new friends. I go to AA, have a sponsor, and working the steps. My life is more hopeful, I am learning to live a whole different way. I feel supported in many ways and I am very thankful. I can't believe in only about 3 months, my outlook on life has changed so much.
Thank you to everyone for all your post contributions and keeping this board going. SR has been instrumental in my recovery. I read through the forum every single night! Thank you!
Way cool, vivjourney!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 14
Alcoholic is a word. People waste a lot of time debating whether or not they are alcoholics, but the term doesn't have a consistent definition. So there can never be a definite answer. I don't find it to be a useful exercise.
I think it's better to talk in terms of an alcohol problem -- as someone earlier said, a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. It sounds like you have one, but it doesn't sound like it's your driving issue. I'd try to give up alcohol for now. If you spend much time wondering whether someday, somehow, you'll be able to have some drinks again, then that's all the more evidence of a problem. People with no alcohol problem wouldn't think that way. They don't crave it any more than I crave a bowl of oatmeal -- maybe a little, since it's tasty, but easily forgotten if I have a bowl of cornflakes instead.
I think it's better to talk in terms of an alcohol problem -- as someone earlier said, a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. It sounds like you have one, but it doesn't sound like it's your driving issue. I'd try to give up alcohol for now. If you spend much time wondering whether someday, somehow, you'll be able to have some drinks again, then that's all the more evidence of a problem. People with no alcohol problem wouldn't think that way. They don't crave it any more than I crave a bowl of oatmeal -- maybe a little, since it's tasty, but easily forgotten if I have a bowl of cornflakes instead.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by dawnrunner
This question, "Am I...?" comes up regularly on this forum. I think the essence of the collective answer is,
"If you have to ask...., yes."
"If you have to ask...., yes."
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