PUMZY

I'm usually not so dramatic but it's hard coming up with something original for you guys to read. It would be difficult to describe my situation without sounding repetitive in regards to many other post.
At the moment I don't have any one I could talk to about the tragedy my life playing out to be. I'm sure you guys know why that is too. I'm in the same sinking ship with anyone that is still talking to me.
Nothing in my life is going right and there IS a common denominator. It's definitely "rock bottom" bad.
I'm in desperate need of a job which I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep* but I haven't left the house in years to look for one. I put on considerable amount of weight drinking and don't want to be seen in public let alone day light. As I have always been known in the past for my looks. I know its vein but it was a big part of my identity. So naturally I have lost all of my confidence.
I used to be able to talk my way out of any ticket and into any club, AND NOW I'm socially awkward from spending so much time hiding and drinking!!
Boredom has a lot to do with my drinking but now it scares me that it has taken over my mind, life, bank account, I could go on all day.
I honestly don't want to stop but I don't really have a choice. I cannot afford this habit at this point and get this.. I'm beginning to scare of my drinking buddies!! Unhappy in my current relationship with my bf and wont leave him because he's my enabler (he is not the bad guy). I basically rip his head off and feed it to the dog, ranting during every ugly episode. I can't take any more of the embarrassment and shame that comes with this disease. It never fails I'm always shouting our business out at the top of my lungs for all to hear. The next day I feel like S-H-I-T and it has nothing to do with a hangover.
Feels Like I'm trying to rid a house guest that as overstayed their welcome which turned out to be a cleverly disguised home invasion. I'm no longer in control and very confused when I'm sober now. Hence the weird house invasion metaphor lol.
My downward spiral seems to be classic after reading many post on here the only difference being I rarely drink during the day, almost never. Does that really make any difference? If any one can make sense of all this I would love some feed back and thanks for taking the time to read. I know there's allot unsaid but wouldn't wanna bore ya wit the details

doggonecarl

Yes, your story is a familar one, but that doesn't make it less original, as this problem is very personal to you. Congrats on taking the first step in what will change your life if you follow through.

Alcoholism is difficult enough to conquer if you want to stop with every fiber in your body. If you honestly don't want to stop, it might be impossible.

Those doubts about quitting are put there by your addicted mind. It feeds on the alcohol. It needs it, like you need air, water, food. Your addicted brain wants alcohol and will do everything it can to make you drink. Any doubts you have about NOT quitting is the addictive voice. Not you. You can do this!

vinepest

Well try not to worry too much, because very likely there is a solution to most if not all of your troubles: stop drinking.

On the other hand, you apparently still have a lot of fun drinking. At least that's the impression I get when you say that you "honestly don't want to stop." So you have to decide if that fun is worth the cost which accompanies it.

One of the toughest obstacles to making the right decision is that it seems like there should be a middle ground. That is to say, you might want to try curbing your drinking but not completely stopping. Unfortunately, this almost never works in practice, for various reasons. One such reason (by no means the only one) is that the temptation to drink will continue to gnaw at you until you start living a sober lifestyle, and so by merely curbing drinking, you deny yourself that sober lifestyle and thus invite continued cravings and temptations, an altogether unhappy experience to be sure.

But I digress. The point is, there is a solution. It's not a pleasant solution at first, but if you try to have a positive attitude about it you should be fine. And after a while you won't miss drinking at all. You'll just be happy, secure, confident, and blissfully slender.

kiki5711

do you work during the day and that's why you don't drink?

If you're at home, it's gonna be tough to change the routine, but YES, you can do it.

checkmate1

yes I'm definitely socially awkward when not drinking....ripping family members head's off sober and when drunk. Sounds very familiar and we're not alone sometimes reaching out for help is the only way. The self made prison became reality to me when I was locked up for being drunk in public. Seems this disease keeps on digging and digging until there is no self-respect or dignity left.

bmwcycle

I too thought I didn't want to quit, but wanted to stop the shame spiral that my like drinking had become. But since I have stopped I realize that I did want to quit was just like you too scared to admit it, thought I would lose my wife, friends and identity if I were to quit, my social and private life were consumed with drinking.

Wow was I wrong took about 6 months to reprogram my life, now I am free and loving life!!!

Do not be afraid nor get down if takes a few times, it is worth it!!!

Best of luck and enjoy,

RobbyRobot

Yeah, I hear you. I didn't honestly "want" to get sober either. If I coulda stayed drunk and not died drunk, then I wouldn't have gotten sober. What would have been the point? is the way i "honestly" felt, back when.

Alcoholsim is a fatal illness and it kills us dead, not just our physical selves, of course, but it kills us dead from the inside out, and that was what it was like for me when drunk. Getting a bit of sobriety was like torture because at least drunk i could believe my lies. Even then though, I didnt want to die drunk, and so I would fight against my inner self while drunk, and of course anybody else within my blast zone got some of my troubles too.

I was a mess.

I had to have a supervised detox and a rehab. I never would have made it without that detox. Sobriety was just to far away for me to grasp, impossible for me to understand, my alcoholic mind had me tussed up like a butterball turkey. I finally faced the truth of my alcoholism and detoxed and that was before I "wanted" to be sober, I just didn't want to die drunk like some slimeball anymore. I at least had that going for me...

After 30 days, the 60 day rehab gave me the chance to come to an understanding of my sobriety, and how to live out there in the real world without drinking again to survive. By the time I finished my detox and got into the rehab, I wanted to honestly be sober, but not before.

It all worked for me, I'm sober many years now, without all the troubles of my drinking years. So, you CAN get sober even if you dont "honestly" want sobriety. I dont think a person can remain sober without wanting sobriety, but I certainly started sobriety before I wanted sobriety.

Sorry for your troubles. Hope you can get it together, Pumzy. Keep at it. Courage!

Shining~Again

Getting a job after being unemployed for years IS hard.
You've been out of the market for a long time and I swear, for me me me, life is much
harder when when I have too much time on my hands.
A least when I have a job, I take a shower every day, pay attention to my hair, my
weight, much better at socializing, MUCH more active, etc.
Not too much to say other than I can relate to that part of your post. My brain isn't functioning very well today!
btw - I use that exact same phrase as you did about "self made prison".
It used to be a sanctuary. That's changed a lot, obviously.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Pumzy

When I first came here, I had a lot of things to deal with too - I was advised to concentrate on my drinking...I was told I'd be surprised how many other things would flow on from that one decision.

They were right - not only did my perspective on a lot of things change, but once I got drinking out of the picture I was able to look at other areas of my life unimpeded and start to fix them up too

You'll find a lot of support here - good to have you with us

simian66

My full time drug occupation meant I ended up out of real work for a very long time. We're talking decades here, not years. It's sad because I'm a talented guy, so I'm told. I'm starting to believe in myself more now the self abuse has ceased. I'm picking up a few little jobs here and there. They don't pay much at all, but it's a start. And the work is for good causes... some t-shirt designs for a youth addiction service etc.

With the self made prison, there is a self made key. It was in my pocket all along! The lock was a bit rusty but the key fitted. I'm heading to the outer perimeter fences now. Keeping my head down low away from those search lights. I'm usually not so dramatic but it's hard coming up with something original for you guys to read.

Zebra1275

The good news: You don't have to live this way, and life can get much better.

The bad news: You have to give up alcohol.

Your choice.

But just because you think you are at rock bottom now, that dosn't mean you really are. The elevator ride can still go down a whole lot more. I think that rock bottom is under 6 feet of dirt.