Tetra

I am depressed and I drank today. I feel guilty, ashamed, afraid, and sick and tired.

ForeverDecember

I'm sorry that you are depressed. Get a good sleep tonight, and tomorrow try to find some strategies to handle negative feelings. Maybe book an appointment with a doctor/counsellor? Depression is an illness, just like asthma or diabetes and should be checked out by a professional.

Good luck.

Elisabeth888

I know exactly how you feel, as I am sure many others here do also.

Do you have a plan for recovery? That is the only way not drinking is bearable for me. I encourage you to reach out for help.

Tetra

I broke down and cried and called my dad who knew what was wrong. I also had the most stressful night - dinner at my sisters house with her husband, my brother and his girlfriend. There was obviously a fight before we arrived. My sister got drunk and was saying some really embarassing things. Tomorrow will also be stressful as every Sunday I have lunch with my family. Everyone will be there.

Tetra

This sums up how I feel these days:

Lacking energy or feeling particularly tired
Feeling more tearful
Not wanting to talk or be with people
Not wanting to do things you usually enjoy
Eating, drinking or sleeping more or less than usual
Using alcohol or drugs to cope with feelings
Finding it hard to cope with everyday things
Feeling restless and agitated
Not liking or taking care of yourself or feeling you don’t matter

ReadyAndAble

I'm sorry. That does sound like a very stressful time. And alcohol makes it all worse in the end, too. But the good news is that tomorrow is a new day. Try to focus on you. You can't control what anyone else in your family does. Lunch will only last an hour or two. Don't drink tomorrow, and you will feel better about yourself, I'm sure.

Dee74

I'm sorry you feel low Tetra.

Do you have anyone you see for depression or is this a new thing since you've been trying to quit drinking?

D

ReadyAndAble

That's a long list.

I bet most if not all of those things would dramatically improve by doing just one thing. I think you know what that is, Tetra.

Tetra

I was seeing someone when I first quit and I found it helped a lot. I want to go back.

Tetra

I find dealing with my family incredibly stressful. I used to enjoy Sunday lunch but now I just feel like it is a chore. Every Sunday feels like Christmas Day.

ReadyAndAble

I feel your pain. I love my dad, but I am sooooo glad he lives 800 miles away. I'm already feeling anticipatory stress about Christmas. I need to just practice what I preach, and remind myself that I cannot control him, but I can refuse to let it get to me. Easier said than done, I know, lol...

Hang in there. It's great you're posting and making another attempt at recovery. Oddly enough I was dealing with a lot of family stress when I finally quit for good. I realized I was miserable and living with around the clock tension, and there was one sure way to make things a little bit better.

PS: Galway is a fantastic town. I was lucky enough to be there one summer when the arts festival was happening. Just a wonderful place.

Tetra

It's 4:15 am here, I just got off the phone after spending an hour talking to someone from the Samaritans. I am tired and lonely but unable to sleep. Don't know how I will make it through tomorrow.

ReadyAndAble

You really should sleep. But if you can't, what about making yourself some food and watching a movie? It might help you relax and get out of yourself for a while...

Tetra

I've done some stupid things while drinking. I've had conversations on the phone and on facebook that I can't remember much of. The thing is that when I was drinking heavily I had some alcohol related seizures and have been seeing a neurologist on and off. I finally picked up the courage to go back for a check up last summer, I had another scan. About 2 weeks ago he said he was pleased with the results, they were so different to my last scan. Lately life is just one long round of hospitals and results and feeling sorry for myself.

ReadyAndAble

Well you're not alone. I read there's even a smartphone app that you can set up so that after, say, 9 p.m. you have to pass a timed math/sobriety test in order to text, email, or use Facebook.

That's good news about the scan, right? Have you been drinking steadily this year? I saw in an old post that you had seven years of sobriety. Are you ready to start up again?

Tetra

Not 7 years, since 2007. I have not been drinking steadily this year, I drank maybe a few nights, but quite a lot. No, I do not want to start drinking steadily again, I do not want to return to that dark place, it was the worst time of my life. The thing is that I am unemployed and have way too much time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I try to keep busy with volunteer work but it's not enough.

ReadyAndAble

I'm sorry, Tetra. I'm glad to hear you're not drinking daily, and that at least you have your volunteer work, but I also understand how all that extra time could weigh you down.

I think it's great you came back to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. You don't have to go through this alone.

Veritas1

Would it be possible for you to connect with some sober women near you? Are you a member of AA? I can tell you women in the program really helped me many times. Reach out?

Dee74

Stick around Tetra - you'll find a lot of support here

D

Tetra

Part of the thing is, I am afraid of my family, especially my mother and I am dreading this get together in the morning. My sister has her own issues also and my mother also suffers from depression, but she won't seek help or admit it to anyone. My father tells me that she often cries herself to sleep. When I quit the first time, I was so ashamed of myself, and since then every time I was sick, or if I don't answer the phone, people accused me of drinking. I live with this huge cloud of permanent suspicion, which was stressful for me, and of course they were right in the end, and I am crying now