northend79

I've often heard to not make big changes in early recovery. How valid is this? I moved back to my home city a year and a half ago...and my drinking got out of control at that point. I have a lot of friends here, some very close true friends, and then many people I spend time with...and they are all drinkers. I don't blame anyone, but it was made very easy to fall back into old my ways when EVERY social situation involves alcohol, and too often later in the night, drinking in excess. This is not going to change..the crowd I run with is that very stereotypical " dowtown late twenties early thirty wild music/artist crowd"...wonderful beautiful people, and you know what, most of them don't have substance abuse issues, so be it. I myself though,have a hard time not giving into temptation...even if I avoid the social situations, I still have the urge just being around them. Avoiding them is not an option, as my son's father is one of them, and friends I've had for 25+ years....my son's social circle are their children.


I have thought about returning to the city I lived in for 6 years. I don't have many friends there, so my lifestyle is much quieter ( less temptation). I have been offered a job that pays more, with more hours. My mother lives there, and she is a big support to me, as much as we rub each other the wrong way.

It is an uncomfortable place for me, as my relapse this summer happened while I was there on vacation...I lost a few fans that's for sure. No biggie, though, not important people in the overall picture.

My 11 year old son does not want to go before the school year is over. He has had so much chaos over the years due to my mental health and alcohol issues, I want nothing more than for him to feel settled. So I thought it would be a moot point, the move.

However. My ex presented an option to me last night. He suggested that my son stay with him for the school days ( the cities are only an hour apart). I am a nurse, so I work every second weekend..with some weekdays off. The suggestion is that I stay in other city on workdays, and then on my week days off come down here and stay with them..and then weekends and ANY time off school my son would stay with me in the new/old city.

I work a lot of overnights as it is..so he is already at my ex's 2-3 nights a week. I think part of my ex's suggestion is because he wants me to get settled and do some self improvement...and actually have the time and energy to do so..which I appreciate.

I can see the validity in his suggestion...and the job offer is a good one. I just don't know about actually letting my son be that far away from me that many days a week...not being there for the day to day stuff...sending him off to school, doing his homework. If I"m honest with myself though, I haven't mentally been there for a few months though, and my ex has been picking up the slack big time.

My son is the most important thing in my life. More so as a single parent..if anyone has any experience with this, you may know what I mean. However, I have lost my way so much this past year, I have to say other prioroties took over, if I'm truly honest with myself. Other people may not visibly see it, but I know I am mentally there or in the moment like I should be to be the kind of mother I want to be.

I don't know what to do, and I don't know who to talk about with this...I mentioned it to a girlfriend last night and she just looked at me with horror and said " but you two are so close! what would you do without each other!"

My son wants to do this. He thinks it's a great idea. Apparently, he is the one who suggested it.

I just don't know if this would be setting myself up for an actual chance of dealing with my issues, or setting myself up for disaster.

neferkamichael

I moved away from my home town when I was 35, and for the next 15 years my using many different chemical substances got worse, so I moved back to my home town and my using got still worse again. You can't run from it.

northend79

I'm not looking to run from my problems..I am trying to separate my thinking that this city has made it harder for me. It is my own choices, I know. I'm not saying the thought doesn't cross my mind ' oh I'll just move away and everything will be different." I"ve moved enough to know this isn't true. Also, like I said, the city I would be moving to is where the worst of my drinking has taken place.

What the decision is, is to take the job that pays more, with my son staying here for the rest of the school year with my ex. I'm wondering if that is setting me up for disaster, such a drastic change in day to day life.

Mark75

You should have some support in place... Seems like you do... Your mom. Is that enough?

I don't see why you couldn't do this and remain sober. Get paid better, moving toward a better life and all.

Do you attend AA meetings?

eJoshua

I don't think there are any problems with big changes in early recovery, there were a lot of big changes in my life in my early sobriety.

I think the thing you want to be mindful of is any stress this may cause you. Try to prepare yourself for how you are going to deal with the change without resorting to drinking. If you have a game plan in place then I don't see any issues here.

doggonecarl

I know you posted about change and its impact on recovery. Going or staying is your choice. But if you don't go I am worried about the change you aren't making, and that is the social circle you run with, that "downtown late twenties early thirty wild music/artist crowd" as you call it. You say avoiding them in not an option. That sound pretty final. Which is more final? That? Or not drinking again. It's one thing to see them. It is another to partake in the same activities that will put you in contact with alcohol.

Just be mindful of the risk that "not changing" certain aspects of you life puts on your recovery. Sorry to stray from the question in your OP.

dawnrunner

You can get out of the night-life crowd even if you stay where you are. The fact that your son's father is one of them (is that your ex?) does not recommend them to me. That means this group is connected to your emotional past in a big way. What you want is a fresh beginning.

Generally speaking, a pay raise is always a good thing. But running away from a challenge is often a bad thing. Among strategies to get free of a certain lifestyle, moving to another town ranks right down there among the desperations, IMO.

Two cautions occur to me:

(1) If you enjoy this crowd, and your description makes it sound as if you do, then you will likely find a similar bunch to hang with in the new place. And

(2) If your son is a daily reminder of the value of sobriety, moving away from him is hazardous. Those lonely nights in the same town where you have been drunk & disorderly already might just push you into a relapse.

Best wishes in making a good decision. The fact that your son suggested the move should not be a huge factor but a caution flag. Why does he think this move would be an improvement?