DrivenHeart85

Have you ever had your desire to socialize completely destroyed? Every time someone tells me I should "go out and make new friends", I want to hit them with a baseball bat. lol Making friends sounds like the most exhausting, unrewarding thing on this planet. I did it in high school, I did it in college but since I've graduated college, I'd rather drink bleach than go "socialize" with people. It's kind of like I just see them as a threat to me. These forums are okay because I know people here don't really know me. But real people, I don't see why they're worth keeping around...other than family of course. I am an introvert and I know that's not helping but I seriously feel like something broke in me a couple years ago. I don't have any friends and don't want to go out and find any. Really, if I were in a romantic relationship, I'd give a crap less about even trying to socialize but I need people for security reasons...like someone to call if I have a flat tire or my garage door breaks, not because I actually want to talk about life...I mean, you can't trust people, they always have some sort of agenda.

I've been up to 8 months sober before even in AA and still being around people was just completely unenjoyable. I don't know if my problem is from the past drinking addiction or from low self-esteem or from who knows what but I keep trying to figure it out. Has anyone ever been here before? I mean, I'm human, I should have at least a teeny tiny drive to socialize, shouldn't I???

InsertNameHere

I don't know if I did that right but I suppose we will find out when we post. I don't know if you are a religious person or not but some of the thoughts in that thread I found interesting to read.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-beliefs.html

But moreover I wouldn't say that you are alone especially not here from what I have been reading. Part of the reason that I turned to drinking was because of social anxieties. I also read the thread that I wouldn't know where to find anymore entitled "Adult Child of an Alcoholic parent" which deffinetly applies to me. So either of those might help.

But like you I am not a very social creature, being new to this game I don't know what the heck I am going to do without alcohol when it comes to social functions. I have a vauge idea of how it will start out, me standing akwardly and silent watching everyone elses idle chit chat and feeling that I would be much happier sitting at home with a book or computer game in front of me, because I have nothing in common with these people and they don't seem to be all that interested in talking to me either.

I have family that I live no where near and talk to maybe 3-5 times a year (you know christmas birthdays when I remember them times like that). And I haven't actually seen most of them for going on four years now, and don't have any great desire to do so in the near future.

I have never been in a romantic relationship that lasted more than three months and the last one was... oh hell can I remember 2006 was how long ago? and that was before I started seriously drinking back then it was still social. Any more I have no great desire to be in any form of a relationship as well I don't really know how they work. I was never good at them in the first place and broke up with the last two because I simply didn't feel any emotional attachment twords them. They were the initiators I was just along for the ride and when the ride stated to become more annoying than enjoyable to me I just called it off.

But like you I don't have a lot of friends (I do have a few coworkers that I would consider friends) and a few people that I got to know well over prolonged periods of time that I consider friends but making new ones is virtually unheard of for me with the exception of once again work friends.

I am now starting to rant on your Thread and hope that I didn't turn this into a pity party for me because that was not my intention. What I was trying to say is that you are not alone in the social aspect, and I think the problem if there is one is your feelings about being alone. It obviously bothers you and you think something is wrong with you because of it. I hope some of the thoughts in that thread I posted at the top help you to deconstruct the negative thoughts you are having, because there are no good answers toothose questions. And help realize that just because something (or sombody) is a certain way does not mean it is wrong just diffrent.

I went through alot of similiar thought processes back when I started drinking and it took me a long time to get through them and more comfortable with myself (specifically on the relationship part I figured there had to be something wrong with me).

But I am going to stop now I hope that helped. (sorry I tend to carry on a bit)

DrivenHeart85

Thanks InsertNameHere

I hold onto a lot of those irrational beliefs as truth.

I guess it could be that I'm just not social anymore...I should do something about thinking of everyone as evil though, that doesn't seem healthy. lol But I just took a depression quiz that I've taken through the years probably 60 times and I came up as not being depressed at all. So I guess if I'm not unhappy about being alone, what's the problem then? It just doesn't seem normal. lol But like you said, there are other people like me that are fine with being alone...we just never hear about them.

When I'm skinnier and "soberer" I'll tackle dating again, because I don't isolate in that aspect...but sometimes I wonder what guys would think of a girl that has no current close friends in town? Seems weird in my head, like they'd think there was something wrong with me.

My brother told me I need people because you learn things from them....I learn from people online and in books they write...I don't know what I'd learn from some woman in a Zumba class. lol Females my age are married with kids and I don't want to hear anymore gory birth and infancy tales and the pooping and peeing and vomiting...ugh, I've had enough of hearing about that!!! lol That could be part of my isolation too...lack of options and shared commonalities with my peers. If I could find someone my age, single, no existing alcohol abuse issues and knows how to be a goofball, I'd like to hang out with them....but just how do you find one of those types in the "real world"? lol

InsertNameHere

If I ever figure out that last question I will be sure to let you know, hell I will probably be able to write a book and make my millions.

As far as the Guys thoughts on the isolated girl I can't really speak for all guys but I can throw my opinion out there. It would find a little of a flag because if you don't have any friends I would think one of a few things; you are a hatefull person that no one wants to be around, or are just as you said non-social by choice, or there is always completley insecure and shy because of it. I am not saying that any of those is what I think you are, I am saying that might be my initial impression upon learning that about a total stranger. After that it is all on you to be interesting enough to make that raised flag go down (if that analogy makes any sense).

But as I said I have no experience with relationships so am not really the person to be speaking.

But try this one on for size try being the Guy that hasn't gone on so much as a date in 5 going on 6 years that has gotta throw women for a loop hahaha meh its whatever.

RunnerBill

I've been sober over 6 years and I still find it difficult to warm up to people. I have to practice, practice, practice.

I'm going to attract what I project. To to get a friend, I have to BE a friend. (even if it's uncomfortable for a while)

The basis of the problem for me was that in active addiction I was extremely self centered, self absorbed, introverted, full of shame, I craved isolation so I could drink to my heart's content, I wanted to live my lie so no one could tell me how screwed up I was. I was completely disinterested in humanity as a whole. I couldn't care less about anyone, except my bottle.

Some people are born extroverts, life of the party drunks that everyone likes who crave social situations because it energizes them.

I'm completely opposite from that. So, that's an ongoing struggle.

I go out to breakfast with 4-5 guys in my AA home group nearly every day. Over the past few years I've gotten really close to those guys. They're real friends. They know me, they know how I am, and they call me on my baloney.

My sponsor loved to nail me with this one early on. "Hey Bill? Are you happy?" Then I'd say "yes, I guess so".

Then, he's say:

"Well, someone needs to tell your face...."

TheMaster

Add me to the isolation gang...

It's been over a decade, since I made a real friend. I moved from my hometown in 99 to the city and making real friends (I don't consider "work" friends as "real" friends) is just impossible, for the reasons mentioned above. I don't trust easily and I can be quite arrogant, at times, thinking everyone is stupid, etc...

InsertNameHere

[QUOTE="Hey Bill? Are you happy?" Then I'd say "yes, I guess so".

Then, he's say:

"Well, someone needs to tell your face...." [/QUOTE]

That is a good one I will have to remember that!

DrivenHeart85

InsertNameHere, Thanks for the honest evaluation of your perceptions of someone who doesn't have friends. That's what I'd suspected because that'd really be the same thing I'd think of a guy if he had no friends...too shy or too angry...or could just be like me. The dating thing though is tough...even people without addictions can't figure out dating, so I'm not surprised it'd be a challenge for us here either. lol

As far as smiling goes, that's an issue for me, one that's hard to explain...but it's somewhere along the lines of having an ugly smile...so smiling doesn't help me much with new people. lol

And to TheMaster, welcome to the isolation gang. I hear you on the arrogance thing...sometimes I worry people will try to convince me of false things or things that are true for them but not for me so I feel like it's best to stay away. Anything from Christianity to AA to believing "celebritiy-ism" to drinking alcohol, etc. I've started out so many things in life because that was what I was taught was normal and was encouraged to do it and now I just hate to think of someone talking me into the wrong thing for me again...and every time someone tries to push their opinions into my life as fact I just withdraw because I hate conflict and conflict is what happens when 2 people disagree (in most cases anyway).

SamanthaIam

Hey Driven, I am not a social butterfly at all, and when I stopped giving myself grief about it, I actually started to appreciate my unique perspective.

FWIW, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a "loner".

DrivenHeart85

Thanks Samantha! I like to hear "loner love". I keep thinking it's so dysfunctional and other people give me that message too...but if I'm perfectly happy about it (minus my anxiety over what other people think) then I guess I should stop getting so worked up about it and accept it.

dawnrunner

I don't think there's anything mandatory about socializing or clubbing around in a group.

Some humans are social butterflies, some are more solitary individuals.

Where does your happiness lie? If you are discontented and yearning when alone, then getting out more and mingling is a good idea. If you are contented and happy alone, then no worries.

Think about your own needs and comfort level; then plan accordingly.

I myself am very happy alone with my (very social) job, my horse and my 2 dogs. I love getting home to a quiet house with just 2 dancing doggies and a serene evening ahead. Maybe I will go out and ride, maybe I'll just stay home. It's good either way.

jamdls

I too have learned to love my loner self. I was the youngest of 5 kids and I remember from a very young age always wishing I was an only child, I always wanted to be alone. I tried to be a social person and yes drinking helped with that for many years but the last 5-7 yrs that I drank I even preferred drinking alone. I've been married twice and honestly the loneliest I've ever felt is when I was in those relationships. I haven't lived within 2000 miles of any of my family (except my daughter) in over 30 years and that's my choice and the way I like it. I just am happier when I'm alone. People have always told me to 'go out and meet people' and I can and do do that on occassion but within an hour or so I just "vant to be alone!" I used to think there was something wrong with me because I didn't enjoy being around people very much but I no longer think that because I like me and I accept me just the way I am. I just don't need other people and I don't want people to need me, selfish? perhaps, but that's me.

freethinking

I used to think I was more of a loner - but I really wasn't....I just had some issues with my perceptions of other people and my level of caring about what I thought they thought of me. I have a theory that whatever we were like as kids is in this regard is what we really are deep down.

DrivenHeart85

You bring up a very good point freethinking. I'm actually just starting to get the slightest hint of the concept of unconditional self-acceptance...that if other people don't like you, that doesn't mean you're a monster. lol That's always been completely foreign to me.

When I was a kid, I liked having friends, throwing parties, that kind of stuff. I always needed alone time but I also always wanted friends. Actually, weird as it sounds, ever since middle school I've only wanted to be friends with girls that weren't prettier than me. Yeah, how nuts does that sound? There was a girl in college my friends were friends with but I was always intimidated by her because she was pretty...she had an awesome personality but I refused to believe she could understand me in any way. Totally weird.

I think it's probably just how I was raised...parents were super controlling, expected perfection and seemed to be more judging than accepting...then throw in a crooked smile, 50 extra pounds and bam, I think I'm worthless and therefore view people as a threat and isolate...but how do you fix that is the real question.

InsertNameHere

Fix couldn't help you there, slowly repair to some semblance of normalcy, maybe I can throw in my two cents. For me it was similar in the parenting aspect, raised by an alcoholic mother with anger issues and basically told on a daily basis how much I sucked, was stupid, etcetera, etcetra, ad nauseum. This resulted in me needing peoples approval and thinking that nothing I did was ever good enough. I don’t know if that is the same boat exactly but the only way that I have gotten over it (and I haven’t completely) is just time, and mental attitude. I slowly started to believe that I wasn’t a complete pile of doo doo, I mean look at this (insert action here) good thing that I did, or that (Work or life accomplishment here) project well done. I have no doubt that this progress would have been greatly improved without my last 5 or 6 years of rampant daily drinking, but even with that I managed to improve with time and, despite a good part of myself saying otherwise, consistent (not arrogant) self praise.

PS: Something I like to say; If I say something often enough it might one day become true.

INH

freethinking

Well, I'm not sure. For me, I isolated because I felt people just didn't "get" me. I felt like I was operating on a different wavelength and their conversations, etc "bored" me. Plus, because of the alcohol issue, I never really felt all that talkative unless I had some booze in me. But this wasn't how I started out. As a kid, I was very outgoing and liked to be around other kids and if anything, I felt being smart was an advantage in being social. I bring that up because deep down, I think this is true for me at my core.

At any rate, with time I realized I had my head stuck up my own a$$ about the whole anti-social thing in my 20s. Me thinking I was smarter than others (or whatever it was that I was hung up on) was just an excuse. I needed to lighten up. I don't get that close to people nowadays, but I do have a social life. I try and be friends with people who have qualities I admire, and I avoid people who make me feel weird. It's that simple.

We need people. Some people like to say "Well, I came into this world alone and I'll go out alone". I had a therapist in my 20s who pointed out this wasn't true....we come into this world attached to another human being. We need people.

One of the best things about being sober again is I get to be myself. I worried so much when I was drinking. Strangely enough, I just let it all hang loose now that I'm sober (meaning I say what's on my mind). It's a great feeling. I feel like myself again....even though I haven't known who I am for a very long time.

DrivenHeart85

Thanks so much for the input guys! I think I got it! I think I'm not "normal"...I think I'm flipping crazy actually. This "I don't want make any new friends" thing started my freshman year of college. My first semester I was fine...the second semester, I'll be honest, I slit my wrists as a plea for help from the depression I was in and spent the next 6 years doing crazy, dumb, selfish things but somehow still managed to be high functioning, graduate college and get a job. Since then, I've thought I'm freaking insane and don't want anyone to get to know me because I don't trust myself or my personality after all of that. I mean, I literally went from over-achiever Catholic teenager to self-mutilating, depressed, crazy person in like 6 months. Of course you wouldn't want to make friends if you don't think who you are is "okay". Soooo, I guess I need to convince myself that years of crazy behavior doesn't mean I can't trust myself anymore and that my personality isn't so way out in left field that I need to hide from everyone. I think I need to prove my own "normalcy" to myself. I think this causes huge inferiority issues in me too which is why I see people as a threat.

freethinking

well, i still definitely keep people at arm's length, but i've found a way (and am still figuring it out) to be social in a way that is healthy for me. you don't have to like EVERYthing about EVERYbody....but try to find friends where there are some significant things you like about them, and be forgiving with the other stuff.

you're really not all that unique or ****ed up or special. you're just like a ton of other young, smart women out there who are trying to find their way. we just aren't very vocal about it i guess.

DrivenHeart85

Thanks freethinking. I'm never vocal about it in the real world either. No one likes to go around telling people they're having a tough time I guess. lol I run my mouth about it on here though because of anonymity and because I don't talk to anyone else about my problems so I'm always worried that I'll have irrational beliefs that are controlling my life when they shouldn't be (which is why I think they advocate having friends. lol). Like in this case, that everyone else leads a perfect life but I'm a "special case". It's just not true. I hit some really hard times but I have every bit of potential to turn things around and go after the life I want again now that things have settled down. If I keep the booze out of my life and stay strong, there's a great deal of hope for me.

freethinking

Plus, you have the ability to be introspective. You're self-aware. Do you know how many people lack that? I know i keep getting hung up on the age thing, but in your 20s it's hard to be introspective AND not beat yourself up. But the more you grow into it, the more you learn to use it as a tool as opposed to a weapon against yourself.