michelle091621

so I am 32 weeks pregnant and have many ups and downs with this pregnancy. I am an alcoholic and have been for quite some time. I thought becoming pregnant would mean that I would magically give up this addiction and the need would just go away... wrong... I have had many binge drinking episodes, every one I regret.... many times I wake in the middle of the night asking god, what have i done.... i do not mean any harm to this little one growing inside me yet, I have some how allowed myself to screw up again. The self - hatred, defeat and disappointment is constant and I worry what I have done to this baby. I don't drink every day, some how have managed to just binge drink once a week and spend a week hating myself enough to do it again.... I am just wondering if anyone has been through this before and has any advice. Please don't lecture, I am going to AA, have counseling and a non drinking husband who supports my every non-drinking move... I am doing the best I can, just need a little advice and if you have gone through this.... what damage has been done....

suki44883

Welcome to SR, Michelle. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I didn't have any trouble quitting both drinking and smoking when I was pregnant, but I know that isn't the case for everyone. What I suggest is that you tell your doctor about your drinking and be honest with him. We certainly cannot know what, if any, damage you may have done to your baby, but please realize that when you drink, your baby drinks. Telling your doctor about it can clue him in on what to look for.

I hope you are able to stop drinking, not only for your baby, but for your own health. Your new child will want its Mommy around for a long time.

Again, welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here.

Deserto

Hi Michelle, I don't have any advice regarding pregnancy but I just wanted to say that you should not beat yourself up too much. You have an addiction, and that addiction feeds on self-hatred... so maybe trying to break that cycle of regret and self-loathing will help you break the cycle of binge drinking. I agree that you should be honest with your doctor, and I hope that everything works out for you. I will be thinking of you and sending you strength.

michelle091621

so every night I send a prayer, not even sure if god is listening to my false promises anymore....
"please god forgive me for my faults. please forgive me for falling short again of what I am capable of. Please don't hold this child acountable for my short fallings. please allow this child to be smart, strong, healthy, happy, beautiful, smart and perfect. Please don't hurt this baby for my mistakes..."
I know what I have done has probably left it too much to change, but i wish I didn't.... I wish so badly I could change things. wish so badly I wasn't this way. I see happy and healthy mothers at my well checks and wish I had that.... why am I so different, why do I have this problem, this addition, this sin.... I owe my life to this child that I have hurt.... this child that will forever be changed by my mistakes...

Dee74

Welcome Michelle

I can't put it any better than Suki did - do see your Dr, do be honest and do be open to whatever he/she suggests.

Good to have you with us - I hope you'll find a lot of support here.
D

FML

Try not to think so much about what you have done and can NOT undo, and concentrate on what you CAN NOW do.
I know you are beating yourself up, but the important thing is that you are trying. It seems like you are doing a great job trying to get control over this. Remember that stress is also not good for the baby, and stressing over "what if" might make you anxious and want to drink.
You're pretty far along so thats a good sign. Congratulations on your baby! Stay strong~ You're going to need all your energy and health for labor! You don't want to go through that with a hangover

Deserto

Michelle, your prayer makes it very clear how much you love this child. Please turn that love into action by seeing your doctor tomorrow and speaking with him or her about what is going on, if you have not already. You are not a bad person and I think you will be a good mother... you can start being that person tomorrow, really. Again, I'll be thinking of you, and I hope others can come along with additional advice or experience to help you through this.

Dee74

Call it what you want Michelle - I don't think wondering why is anywhere near as important as taking decisive steps to see you don't drink carrying the baby again

I hope all will prove to be fine...but you need to find out ASAP - and reach out for some help to make sure your baby is ok for the rest of your pregnancy

D

Aegian

FES is serious. Unlike being born with a cocaine or meth addiction, FES stays with the child for life. I worked with someone who has 2 adopted coke/crack babies. The adoption agency screened out expectant mothers with drinking addictions because the drugs could be detoxified at birth, but the defects from FES in affected babies cannot. Blew my mind when I heard that for the first time. I didn't have any idea.

I do not say this to scare you, only that you think twice about drinking while pregnant.

Talk with your doctor about this, and be honest as to how much you are drinking.

dawnrunner

The consequences for the fetus become more serious as the pregnancy progresses.

Stop now. Don't make any excuses for yourself; just stop. Get whatever help you need but do not get drunk again. Please.

soberlicious

I was going to mention fetal alcohol syndrome as well. It is very real. Effects vary from moderate to severe and are lifelong. At this point you may want to enlist some serious help to keep you away from alcohol while you are pregnant and worry about everything else later. There isn't time to try and figure it out right now. You should stop all consumption now even if that means someone monitoring you just for the duration of the pregnancy then go about the business of recovery. I know it is hard and I am not judging you, but this baby doesn't have a say in this.

eJoshua

I hate to be a downer, but I agree with soberlicious here. You need to do whatever it takes to stay sober for the remainder of your pregnancy.

DrivenHeart85

Michelle,

Can you get to inpatient rehab for the rest of your pregnancy? They can watch you there, help keep you sober and help you work through this emotional battle you're going though. Maybe your doctor can suggest one for you. My heart goes out to you and your baby.

michelle091621

what a failure I AM.... I guess thanks for the replies....

Dee74

Noones called you a failure - don't let your self loathing win here, Michelle.
Just break the cycle and do something about it

D

michelle091621

thanks

DrivenHeart85

Hun, you're not a failure at all. I could very well be in your boat right now too since I was just thinking a few weeks ago that pregnancy might be a good idea to get me to stop drinking too. But you do need to be strong and not worry about what other people think about what you do. You just need to focus on your baby and not drinking again no matter what. It's okay to depend on others to get your through rough times and all of us here just want the best outcome for you and your child. I don't think any of us are here to judge you, just to help you. We're all humans and we're all fallible and we've all been horrendous failures in our own eyes many times, but there are ways to help prevent further harm to your baby and we're just trying help give you the strength to go seek it.

soberlicious

I do not think you are a "failure". Simply gave my advice, which you asked for in your OP. Although, I did not drink when I was pregnant, I have harmed my children plenty and often with my drinking, so I'm no stranger to guilt and shame. To be honest with you, I wish someone had given it to me straight and kept me from doing the damage I did to them.

laurie6781

(((((michelle091621)))))

I am now an 'old' lady, lol with 30+ years sober and clean.

However, I was a fairly 'young' lady at age 20 when I had my first child. Yes I was a practicing alcoholic back then.

I know the medical world knows a lot more about FAS today than they did 46 years ago and yes there are many serious cases of FAS.

However, there are many many babies, born of practicing alcoholic mothers, my daughter included that show NO signs of FAS. My oldest daughter is 45 years old, has an IQ of 151, has 2 degrees, one in Nursing, one in Business Administration, is married to a pretty good guy, has two lovely girls and does not drink.

So ........................................ we do NOT know what child will be affected and what child won't. I tell you the above and it is the HONEST TRUTH to let you know that HP doe forgive us our sins, whether we ask or not, and to PLEASE NOT be too hard on yourself.

Just get to your doctor, as soon as possible, be truthful, and if need be ask for '24 hour watch' or a 'rehab' situation until your precious child is born.

Please KEEP POSTING and LET US KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING as we/I do care so very much.

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,

ps: I have sent you a PM also,

Deserto

No one here is judging you, Michelle. You are not a failure. But we do all want to help you as best as we can. I hope you can hear the kindness and concern in these responses to your request for help. Sometimes it is hard to hear that when you are reading things on the Internet -- we can't see body language, or facial cues, etc. But trust me, no one here thinks badly of you. Just hear the advice here that is offered with the utmost sense of good faith and support-- and then follow through with what you think is the healthiest thing for you and your baby.