TimeToDance

I am now 45 days sober and yesterday was the first holiday that I have spent sober in approx. 11 years. I have realized that my family (esp. my sister) is a huge trigger for me. I decided to spend the holiday without them because I was afraid that I would relapse and also because I am really starting to feel a lot of anger towards them. I don't want to feel this way. I keep seeing posts about detaching yourself from changing others behavior. I would like to, but part of me wants to yell at them to wake up and realize that they are loosing me! I have dealt with my dysfunctional family by drinking for many years. I am afraid that I will never want to spend the holidays with them again. Is anyone else out there going through this right now? Is there anyone reading this that has gone through this and can offer some advice?

SamanthaIam

Hi TimeToDance, I really relate to what you're saying. I don't have much practical advice because I'm still learning/trying to figure it out myself. I'm at that point where you seem to be, thinking maybe I won't spend much time around my family or try to play their game anymore... part of me wants them to notice and CARE, but really, if that were possible, I guess we wouldn't be in this spot.

Good luck -- I'll be watching this thread to see what other words of wisdom others can offer.

24hrsAday

TTD if your family is like my family and you want to stay sober and somewhat comfortable.. of course you will AVOID them at all costs as much as possible! i understand Exactly where you are coming from.. believe me you are NOT alone on this subject at all!

Dee74

It seems a lot of us have family issues - I'm not sure if it's because we're alcoholic or because the effects of those family issues contributed in some way to our abuse of alcohol.

Since I've been in recovery I've had the clarity to see that, while I had been doing things wrong with my family, they are pretty dysfunctional too...

A lot of us want them to 'see it', to apologise, to get some kind of justice.

I'd try to get past that ideal, because it rarely happens.
I realise now my family will never change because they simply don't see a problem.

I took myself out of the family orbit a few years ago - I had to for my own well being - I see them a few times a year - I can handle that, and they accept it, and we basically get along fine.

I think being comfortable with who I am now has helped a lot

D

liamsdad

Hi TTD,

16 years in and I still haven't been able to rectify things with my family, but I still see them. i've cleaned my side of the street - made amends for my actions - but I'm still the black sheep.

I can accept that most of the time. My wife and kids love me, I've got lots of friends, and God knows what I'm about.

Hang in there and congrats on the 45 days!

Mike in Boston

SamanthaIam

Hey Liamsdad, thanks for that reminder about "cleaning my side of the street." That's really what it's about, isn't it? I am sort of the black sheep too, have been since WAY before I started drinking, and I've never understood why. My work now is about just letting it go... letting it be what it is, and not playing the games to try to change it or prove my point.

Dee74

Welcome to SR liamsdad

D

TimeToDance

Thank you all. It helps so much to know others are out there that can relate. SIA - You hit the nail on the head with "if that were possible, I wouldn't be in this spot." I need to realize that I have tried to make my family see how some of their actions are not the wisest. It has never worked, so why do I think that this time will be different? To 24hrs... Thank you. I think that I will be thinking of myself during X-mas this year for a change. Dee74 - Deep down I know that an apology is too much to ask for. My sobriety has shown me that life is not a fairy tale and that I need to grow up. I think my parents see some of the problems but they don't want to deal with disciplining my sisters mean behavior. Btw, she is going on 40 and is successful, perfect, etc...and I am an artist and divorced. She is also an alcoholic but will not admit it. Instead she says that I am and that I need to go to rehab. Her profession and IQ always have my parents believing every word that she says. Sorry for ranting, but it's so heartbreaking to feel belittled by her and to see the obvious control she has over my parents. I do need to work on being more comfortable with myself. I am realizing that. I know its a journey. I just have to remind myself that it is worth it.

TimeToDance

Thank you liamsdad. Congrats on the 16 years and the fact that you do have so many people around you that love and understand. I will hang in there. You are very inspiring.

tomdecel

I also have had a number of "issues" with my family, especially with one of my two sisters. We don't live in the same part of the country, but two or three times a year we would get together and I would leave totally turned inside out.

Years of alcohol abuse made me a bitter, disconnected, unhappy SOB. I knew I was better than the person I became. Part of my recovery was to rewrite the script of who I was. Working on myself to "round off the rough edges", has created an exponential improvement on how I relate to other people, near and far, family or not.

Congratulations on the 45 days. Unfortunately you don't have the power to change them, but you do have the power to change yourself. It can get much better if you keep looking up. Be the person you want to be and the universe will deliver. Smiling beats anger anytime.

awesomeame

I usually always hang out with family on the weekends. This is my first weekend not seeing them/first weekend sober in a long time. Seeing family always involves drinking, everyone loves to booze, me the most, so best I stay away...at least for a bit.

Matt

eJoshua

I think it really depends on the family...

My family is a big source of support for me, so when I was drinking I was actually not hanging around them much. Now that I'm sober I'm actually living with my parents again, so it's hard not to be close.

It differs for everyone though, and I certainly understand those who might want to stay away form family. My extended family on one side is a bunch of alcoholics, so I've distanced myself from them quite a bit.

NYCDoglvr

We must all be careful of people, places and things than can trigger a relapse. It can be a friend or relative who pushes our buttons, being around alcohol and drunk people. Sobriety must always come first for us to stay sober one day at a time.