ReadyAndAble

Not trying to be a smart aleck, but why does it matter?

Honestly I think one sign of addiction is a tendency to overanalyze addiction. Ours, theirs, past, present. We get ourselves tangled up in all these labels and definitions and dividing lines.

Am I better off without alcohol?

That's the only question that matters to me. And the answer is so obvious that I don't have to spend a second parsing it.

TwelveSteps

I knew I was an alcoholic when I tried to stop on my own for 30 days... then a week... and I could never make it more than a few days.

I drank 2 bottles of white wine a night ("to sleep"). When I was out in public, I was always conscious of other people's noticing my drinking, so I'd never have more than 3 or 4 drinks over the course of an evening, which meant I didn't wake up in strange places, get in public arguments, get DUIs, etc. I never suffered consequences from my drinking like job loss, breakups, etc. Lots of people drank more than I did in volume. But the amount I obsessed over alcohol when I didn't think I'd be able to have "my wine" that night, and my inability to quit even temporarily, told me all I needed to know.

GG

eJoshua

I think I always kind of knew in the back of my head, from first sip at age 14 or 15 or whatever it was. It was love at first sight.

Unfortunately it was the kind of lover that leaves you miserable and destitute, not unlike a few girlfriends I've had. lol, just kidding.

chebella

hmmm, I remember having my first beer at 17y. Did not like it, at that time I went out and had fun without drinking.... and then someone offered me a whisky-cola !! Hooked on hard liquor since I'm 20 I think. I always knew that is was my "drug".
My friends and I tried about everything, they still smoke joints or pop pills and have some drinks. I just drink and drink and drink. I feel like having a gin around lunch, that's not normal!
Also I know because I am bipolar and on medication. I can get any pills I want from my psych. I never take valium or zoloft or other chill pills...... not interested.

I WANT alcohol because I´m an alcoholic.

Linz

So odd... I hated alcohol at first. I hated watching what it did to my parents (they drank when I was small.) But I loved seeing my grandpa drunk. He was hilarious. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure that I was aware that he was drunk when he was being goofy, I just thought that was Grandpa's nature.

I hated it when my boyfriend would go get smashed. I had a couple of boyfriends (not at once, lol) who loved to drink - I detested them when they did.

Then I started in, still hating it, but drinking it anyways. Soon it was just something to do. Something to ease boredom. I fell in love with an alkie and from then on it has been seemingly impossible to quit it for good. After my lover left, alcohol became the ONLY thing in my world... it has sort of seemed like that since then (4 years ago,) even though I have a partner, live in a great house, have a sweet little doggie, love my job and am going to school....

It's a real pain in the everything.

Thanks for all of your shares!

BTK6

Hi Linz,
I realized I had a problem when like you, I own my own home, have a beautiful girl I want to marry, awesome puppy boxer and I seem to think it's worth risking all of that by drinking with my buddies and driving home drunk. Wrecked my car a couple times and thank god didn't hurt someone else. I realized being left with just the booze wasn't gonna work. My girlfriend, family and dog love me. I loved alcohol but when did it ever love me back? That's when I knew. Btw that realization was a few days ago. AA meeting scheduled for tomorrow.

ClayTheScribe

Good for your BTK6! That's a profound realization. Alcoholism is much like an abusive lover who you have trouble leaving. It was good at first, you had a lot of fun and then it took a dark turn, but you felt you couldn't leave because it was so manipulative. You're making the step to break that relationship and get a restraining order (AA and SoberRecovery). Keep coming back.

Spawn

I stopped worrying about other people's drinking patterns along time ago.
The only person I have control over is me. No one I know now drinks so worrying about drinking patterns is no longer a factor. Remember you are the company you keep.

Jay1980

I knew I had a problem when it started affecting my life and other people's lives in negative ways. Not being able to make it to work. Having to cancel dates/appointments. Not being able to know when to stop. Blackouts. The list goes on. Not sure if this'll help at all but here's a test that might be a little assistance: Adcare Hospital : Self Test

Linz

Jay1980
I knew your avatar was Eminem... Didn't know what the album cover looked like, but just knew it.

Time now that I stop.

Jay1980

Have you heard the album? TONS of good Recovery material. Em's been sober since April 20, 2008 so that's some inspiration for me.

If you think it's time for you to stop then you should do everything in your power to do that. Let me know if I can do anything to help

Tigger41

Sitting here the only thing I can think of is I'm still counting the days I've not had a drink. I don't think non-alcoholics do that. Obsess about it so much they count the days.

27 by the way... see still counting. I can't wait until the day I lose count because it doesn't matter anymore.

Jay1980

Great job! This is 19 for me. And all my friends will ask me how many days it's been and I'll say, "I really don't like keeping track 'cause that didn't work out so well in the past." But they ask and I answer so I guess I'm still counting too...

OceanSize

105 days.

here's how i knew:

• i walked into the situation where i drank totally fully purposefully intending not to drink, but when one person very casually said "glass of wine?" it was all over.
• i popped a vicodin before going to the place where i was where i was drinking. that in itself is not right. i knew it deep down but wouldn't listen.
• i've always known but wouldn't listen to the gut feeling
• another blackout, which happens anytime i drink more than 2 drinks
• verbally abused my boyfriend and ruined our relationship which we had recently repaired
• this has happened before. all of it. all the wreckage. and the feeling didn't get any better
• i just always knew. but didn't know.
• whenever i met anyone in aa i quietly wanted what they had
• i've missed a lot of work over the years due to hangovers. Not all at once, but over time, when i look back on it....it's just sick. violently ill hangover prevented me from attending a conference that had been paid for by my then-employer.
• when i examine the denial and the excuses i made for that denial, it's clear i was ashamed of what i knew what was true: i am an alcoholic/addict

To be clear, my bottom came up and hit me. I created wreckage, blacked out for 6 hours and felt remorse and overwhelming shame.

Meanwhile, I went to the event telling myself i wasn't going to drink, no matter what.

I lied to myself, so i could drink.

and that's how i knew. and still know now.

InsertNameHere

I began to suspect that I had a problem about a year or so ago but figured that I had it under control. Then I got a position wherein I am more responsible for the things around me then I used to be and told myself okay now that you are here you can't drink as much because you have these things to do......I kept drinking. Then when I had to be up early the next morning and told myself alright man you can't drink tonight. Which turned into you can only have a few tonight. Which turned into oh don't worry you've done this before you'll be fine in the morning. Which ended up with me passed out on the couch way past when I was supposed to be up. Then I tried to stop and failed misserably almost immedioutly, that was when I realized that I had lost control over my drinking. I don't know when it happened, it was probably a few years ago but when I finally tried to stop and couldn't I knew. I am still trying on day 3 now. I have fuged it up a couple of times but I keep telling myself I will continue trying until I get it right. I worked for years to get this addiction it only makes sense that I will have to work just as long if not longer to get rid of it.

Linz

I woke up angry as heck this morning because of a hangover - or - becauase I drank last night. I lied to myself and said that it would help me write this argument paper that's due on Friday in my English class. Yeah right, I didn't write a single thing. My brain is foggy, I almost didn't get out of bed to come to class, I have a test today in my legal studies class, and I'm running out of money because I spend it all on booze.
My stomach is killing me, my eyes are tired. This is seriously sick.

OceanSize

Hi Linz,

I've been where you are. I really truly have. My "last drunk" resulted in a morning-after where i found a credit card receipt for over $200 in booze (which i shouldn't have spent and needed for other things like rent) not to mention the wreckage I caused (see other entries)

I'm also a creative-type / working in a creative field and i used to tell myself a lie...that i needed drugs/alcohol to be creative & to relate to other artists. But the truth was (and is) that all the pot smoking, opiates and alcohol subtracted from my creativity b/c i never really got much done. I would imagine myself completing projects (creative or otherwise) and in my head they were done, and they were amazing. but in reality i wasn't doing much of anything about anything. I couldn't, because I was in a stupor or just filled with self loathing etc.

All of the self loathing and lack of self confidence is part of the disease. I didn't know it then but i know that now, too.

like i said, deep down, i always knew something wasn't right and that my drinking & drug use was a bigger symptom and a problem for me, regardless of how others handled their stuff. I just knew, but didn't know know.

my "last drunk" was it. It was a bottom that, as i mentioned, came up to smack in the face and i'm grateful for that, because I didn't hit my bottom in a hospital bed, or a jail, or a mangled vehicle. I was alone in my apartment with a hangover and calling in sick to work. That was my final bottom. I'd been there before. But that morning something was different. I knew i couldn't live that way. I don't know what my future held for me as a person who drank & popped pills...even though it was a problem for so long. but I'm confident I would have at least ended up behind the wheel in a blackout at some point. If not alone and miserable and full of so so so so so so much shame, which is how i felt on the morning after my last drunk. miserable and so soooooo ashamed.

It wasn't just that i realized i had a problem with alcohol, it was that i finally realized my life was unmanageable. The two together were a mix for imminent misery and death. If not actual death than death of spirit.

I just didn't believe in anything, especially myself. My default feeling was always "I shouldn't be alive, i shouldn't have been born" etc.

So i woke up that day and dragged my butt into recovery. I finally knew.

I'm thinking of you today!!!!! I know that sounds cheesy but it's true!!!!

And most importantly thanks for coming here to post this morning. I'm really glad you're here & choosing to share. I promise it will get better. I didn't think it would...but someone else made me that promise, and they were right.

All problems are not solved, but i'm sober enough to be present and i've never felt more productive or liked myself this many days in a row. ever.

SSIL75

If there was any one symptom of my alcoholism it was that the whole 'Thing' consumed my life.

Recovering from drinking, planning drinking, worrying about my drinking, justifying my drinking, apologizing for my drinking, planning to quit my drinking, eagerly anticipating my next 'free' binge (free = guilt free... like a vacation or when my husband was away).

It was EXHAUSTING and completely abnormal.

Linz

I want to get sober SO bad. Thank you all for sharing your stories, they are truly helpful in the biggest way.

SDSurfn

Wow. Here is another post that I relate to 100%.

I could have written this word for word.

Really amazing.

-SD