Lapses becoming more reckless
Lapses becoming more reckless
Had another relapse last weekend, 3rd major one this year, and relatively close to my last one. Even though I have managed to string together a lot of sober days in 2011, I am feeling that my relapses are becoming more and more reckless. Drunk driving, blackouts, drunk in front of colleagues, friends, family, etc.
Or perhaps, maybe they have always been reckless, and now it's just more painfully obvious because they are spaced out. Not sure, but I have red flags going off in all directions.
I have a program, I go to f2f meetings, I have a stack of self-help books, I participate in several online forums, I am being honest with all those around me about my behavior.
There are just these impulses that arise that I succumb to and turn into dangerous and embarrassing episodes. I can see them coming, it's usually when I get really stressed out, something just clicks and I turn into another person.
For now, I return to the all too familiar pattern, throwing the brakes on a relapse: go to bed early, keep myself calm, eat properly, attend f2f meetings, exercise, reflect on my behavior, concentrate on my relationships and work. And of course as always, digest any of your feedback :-)
Or perhaps, maybe they have always been reckless, and now it's just more painfully obvious because they are spaced out. Not sure, but I have red flags going off in all directions.
I have a program, I go to f2f meetings, I have a stack of self-help books, I participate in several online forums, I am being honest with all those around me about my behavior.
There are just these impulses that arise that I succumb to and turn into dangerous and embarrassing episodes. I can see them coming, it's usually when I get really stressed out, something just clicks and I turn into another person.
For now, I return to the all too familiar pattern, throwing the brakes on a relapse: go to bed early, keep myself calm, eat properly, attend f2f meetings, exercise, reflect on my behavior, concentrate on my relationships and work. And of course as always, digest any of your feedback :-)
Thank you for posting this. I too realize that as I address my alcoholism and make attempts to be sober, whenever I relapse, my alcoholism is worse, and the effects are worse... as if my brain is rebelling against me and going all-out crazy. I am currently on Day 15 and was wondering why I can't just very rarely get drunk. I think this is my answer. I am glad you are realizing this and wish you all the best in your continued efforts at sobriety.
I did that for a while. "Look at all the PROGRESS I'm making!!" (glug glug).
Kind of like trying to find a message board for internet addiction, KWIM?
At some point I had to weigh it up and decide that never drinking (Ever) would be more satisfying than an attempt to 'have my cake and eat it'.
SSIL75 kinda beat me to it...
The one thing missing from your list is not drinking - at all ever...until that became my #1 nothing else I did mattered.
I know you're working at it...but maybe you need to look whether what you're doing is really working for you, Tes?
D
The one thing missing from your list is not drinking - at all ever...until that became my #1 nothing else I did mattered.
I know you're working at it...but maybe you need to look whether what you're doing is really working for you, Tes?
D
Thank you for the feedback. I really intend to take your words to heart.
Despite whatever improvements I have made, I have still been acting as a "sometimes" drinker. I have never taken it off the table completely. I've gotten really good at justifying particular difficult times in my life to drink. I'll spend a few months intensely focused on recovery, then feel comfortable, back off and get complacent, then relapse, then start the recovery process again.
These recent relapses have been especially troubling because I never even bothered to justify them, I just sorta went for it. I can see just by my own statements that I have not taken drinking completely off the table as I should.
I like to believe I will get sobriety right, I believe I have the motivation to do it. Trying to be as open and honest here so I can get this right.
Despite whatever improvements I have made, I have still been acting as a "sometimes" drinker. I have never taken it off the table completely. I've gotten really good at justifying particular difficult times in my life to drink. I'll spend a few months intensely focused on recovery, then feel comfortable, back off and get complacent, then relapse, then start the recovery process again.
These recent relapses have been especially troubling because I never even bothered to justify them, I just sorta went for it. I can see just by my own statements that I have not taken drinking completely off the table as I should.
I like to believe I will get sobriety right, I believe I have the motivation to do it. Trying to be as open and honest here so I can get this right.
RE:Lapses becoming more reckless
Hi tesquizito,
Sorry to hear about your relapses. I relapsed so many times myself that it became like second nature to me. The only thing preventing me from slipping even more was the desire to further my life, not my drinking. I had to put myself in a position where I could finally see some results and "AA" is where that began for me.
The place that so many of us need to come too before we reach the pinnacle of success in life and in "AA” is a place of complete surrender, literally. The only way we can re-align our thinking with those of our counterparts in "AA", is to convince ourselves of something we already know, we can't drink responsibly.
That is the true test when it comes to "remaining" sober, convincing ourselves that "alcohol dependence" has put an unhealthy demand on our lives, period. I would not experience any sort of comfort level within the "AA' program myself, until I released myself from the fatal flaw of "alcohol dependence". That, my friend, is how I came to believe myself, over 10+ years ago. And I hope that can happen for you as well, starting today.
~God Bless~
Sorry to hear about your relapses. I relapsed so many times myself that it became like second nature to me. The only thing preventing me from slipping even more was the desire to further my life, not my drinking. I had to put myself in a position where I could finally see some results and "AA" is where that began for me.
The place that so many of us need to come too before we reach the pinnacle of success in life and in "AA” is a place of complete surrender, literally. The only way we can re-align our thinking with those of our counterparts in "AA", is to convince ourselves of something we already know, we can't drink responsibly.
That is the true test when it comes to "remaining" sober, convincing ourselves that "alcohol dependence" has put an unhealthy demand on our lives, period. I would not experience any sort of comfort level within the "AA' program myself, until I released myself from the fatal flaw of "alcohol dependence". That, my friend, is how I came to believe myself, over 10+ years ago. And I hope that can happen for you as well, starting today.
~God Bless~
It's time to put on the big boy pants, time stop this right now. Keep posting, we have been right where you are now, and are pulling for your success. Make a choice, make a plan for your continued use of alcohol, and do it. Keep posting too.
I can hear you're hurting, and my heart goes out to you.
Alcoholism is permanent, progressive, patient and fatal.
So, knowing that what you've been doing so far has gotten you these results, what are you going to do differently? (see below)
Are you working the 12 steps straight out of the Big Book with a qualified sponsor?
The program of recovery Alcoholics Anonymous offers is in the steps in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Here is hope: It works -- it really does.
Because as much as the things you mentioned can make me feel better, they don't keep me sober. They do not sufficiently treat alcoholism in me.
Had another relapse last weekend, 3rd major one this year, and relatively close to my last one. Even though I have managed to string together a lot of sober days in 2011, I am feeling that my relapses are becoming more and more reckless. Drunk driving, blackouts, drunk in front of colleagues, friends, family, etc.
Or perhaps, maybe they have always been reckless, and now it's just more painfully obvious because they are spaced out. Not sure, but I have red flags going off in all directions.
Or perhaps, maybe they have always been reckless, and now it's just more painfully obvious because they are spaced out. Not sure, but I have red flags going off in all directions.
Alcoholism is permanent, progressive, patient and fatal.
So, knowing that what you've been doing so far has gotten you these results, what are you going to do differently? (see below)
I have a program, I go to f2f meetings, I have a stack of self-help books, I participate in several online forums, I am being honest with all those around me about my behavior.
There are just these impulses that arise that I succumb to and turn into dangerous and embarrassing episodes. I can see them coming, it's usually when I get really stressed out, something just clicks and I turn into another person.
For now, I return to the all too familiar pattern, throwing the brakes on a relapse: go to bed early, keep myself calm, eat properly, attend f2f meetings, exercise, reflect on my behavior, concentrate on my relationships and work. And of course as always, digest any of your feedback :-)
There are just these impulses that arise that I succumb to and turn into dangerous and embarrassing episodes. I can see them coming, it's usually when I get really stressed out, something just clicks and I turn into another person.
For now, I return to the all too familiar pattern, throwing the brakes on a relapse: go to bed early, keep myself calm, eat properly, attend f2f meetings, exercise, reflect on my behavior, concentrate on my relationships and work. And of course as always, digest any of your feedback :-)
Are you working the 12 steps straight out of the Big Book with a qualified sponsor?
The program of recovery Alcoholics Anonymous offers is in the steps in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Here is hope: It works -- it really does.
Because as much as the things you mentioned can make me feel better, they don't keep me sober. They do not sufficiently treat alcoholism in me.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
"...it was not at all difficult for me to return to my former excessive indulgence."
Dr. Bob's Nightmare, Alcoholics Anonymous
~
"In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse."
BB p.31, More About Alcoholism
These passages from the Big Book remind me that it is not difficult to "succumb" as you put it to drinking, and that it gets worse.
The things we do on our sprees....Read Into Action in the Big Book.
"The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees."
BB p.73, Into Action
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
Have you ever tried the Joe Hawk and Mark Houston Big Book Experience?
This unmanageability while sober which leads us back to drinking...is something they teach about.
Dr. Bob's Nightmare, Alcoholics Anonymous
~
"In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse."
BB p.31, More About Alcoholism
These passages from the Big Book remind me that it is not difficult to "succumb" as you put it to drinking, and that it gets worse.
The things we do on our sprees....Read Into Action in the Big Book.
"The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees."
BB p.73, Into Action
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
Have you ever tried the Joe Hawk and Mark Houston Big Book Experience?
This unmanageability while sober which leads us back to drinking...is something they teach about.
Entering day 3 post relapse, still not at 100% physically and mentally, but feeling better.
Have many activities lined up for the next 5 days to stay busy, will be around those who are aware of my recovery.
Spent time going back through my previous journaling and worksheets, and reminding myself drinking is *never* an option.
Have many activities lined up for the next 5 days to stay busy, will be around those who are aware of my recovery.
Spent time going back through my previous journaling and worksheets, and reminding myself drinking is *never* an option.
To add to Veritas1, and something I read to people who've relapsed and ask me why I think it may have happened. (I have no idea why, but the following paragraph has always run my bell)
"The fact is that most alcoholics, for some reason yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink, our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable to bring into consciousness with sufficient force of memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
BB Page 24
Being "dry" and being "sober" are two different animals.
"The fact is that most alcoholics, for some reason yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink, our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable to bring into consciousness with sufficient force of memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
BB Page 24
Being "dry" and being "sober" are two different animals.
I did want to respond to SR after further reflection. Things are going well, I'm chalk full of activities with good people over the next 5 days, will help at least reset my impulsive behavior as of late.
I have been at recovery for a while (3+ years), and while my relapses have been sporadic over that time (not an excuse), I have begun to realize that my addictive voice has been patient and given me recourse for drinking throughout my progress.
For example, I've stopped biting my nails (major issue my entire life), resumed and sustained healthy exercise, managed all kinds of obstacles and hurdles sober (both emotional, physical, and financial), made major diet changes, made major changes to lifestyle in terms of activities that I now enjoy, and I've eliminated some relationships and activities that *just weren't appropriate*. This has all been done over the long term (years) so far. I'm far less a mess than I was 4 years ago. And I have retained a great career and incredible wife in spite of this.
However, I have always found that "right time", and even perhaps, my progress has been an excuse to drink.
Some result has been a better ME (in relative terms), but on (absolute) terms I still have given allowances to drink in particular circumstances, in which the end result is, at best (covert), more usually (embarrassing), and potentially (life-threatening). As my original post suggests, ever after a long period of sober time, relapses cover the gamut of all of the above, and seem to get worse and more reckless, and that's very dangerous.
But, I do want to give myself some credit...just not in the context of ever being able to drink again. As proven, any sort of moderation has proven unsuccessful. Is there a balance to this? (not drinking, just giving myself some credit)
Just thinking out loud, not asking for accolades, just working this out.
I have been at recovery for a while (3+ years), and while my relapses have been sporadic over that time (not an excuse), I have begun to realize that my addictive voice has been patient and given me recourse for drinking throughout my progress.
For example, I've stopped biting my nails (major issue my entire life), resumed and sustained healthy exercise, managed all kinds of obstacles and hurdles sober (both emotional, physical, and financial), made major diet changes, made major changes to lifestyle in terms of activities that I now enjoy, and I've eliminated some relationships and activities that *just weren't appropriate*. This has all been done over the long term (years) so far. I'm far less a mess than I was 4 years ago. And I have retained a great career and incredible wife in spite of this.
However, I have always found that "right time", and even perhaps, my progress has been an excuse to drink.
Some result has been a better ME (in relative terms), but on (absolute) terms I still have given allowances to drink in particular circumstances, in which the end result is, at best (covert), more usually (embarrassing), and potentially (life-threatening). As my original post suggests, ever after a long period of sober time, relapses cover the gamut of all of the above, and seem to get worse and more reckless, and that's very dangerous.
But, I do want to give myself some credit...just not in the context of ever being able to drink again. As proven, any sort of moderation has proven unsuccessful. Is there a balance to this? (not drinking, just giving myself some credit)
Just thinking out loud, not asking for accolades, just working this out.
Absolutely you can give yourself some credit...but don't do what I did and think 'well, that's near enough for now'.....
Drinking will not only kill you, it will destroy everything you love and hold dear if you let it.
The only cure for alcoholism that I know works is not to drink- at all, Tes.
D
Drinking will not only kill you, it will destroy everything you love and hold dear if you let it.
The only cure for alcoholism that I know works is not to drink- at all, Tes.
D
Oh, and let me append this with a note:
My boss is super understanding and has been with me at conventions in Vegas, and seen my evil side. After 4 years since then... being sober (at) work, and after him confronting me with my most recent last relapse, it prompted him to make a comment, at the Thanksgiving company dinner about how I'm "the one with a bottle opener on his keychain", (as I opened the non-alcoholic apple cider bottles)
I really do feel like 4 years of work is down the drain in his eyes.
frustrated. Perhaps he was making light, (and more probably he was making a disguised statement to the rest of the company) but it hurt, and perhaps I deserved it.
My boss is super understanding and has been with me at conventions in Vegas, and seen my evil side. After 4 years since then... being sober (at) work, and after him confronting me with my most recent last relapse, it prompted him to make a comment, at the Thanksgiving company dinner about how I'm "the one with a bottle opener on his keychain", (as I opened the non-alcoholic apple cider bottles)
I really do feel like 4 years of work is down the drain in his eyes.
frustrated. Perhaps he was making light, (and more probably he was making a disguised statement to the rest of the company) but it hurt, and perhaps I deserved it.
Okay, *venting* I will not drink over this, but I am SO ******* angry that my brother in law who lived with us for the last 5 years left (2 months ago) and left half of his **** (including 4 large fish tanks), and 2 rooms worth of junk, and I learned through my wife tonight *just now* , that he has no intentions of cleaning any of the rest of his ****....
I am contemplating taking his prized fish and frying them for thanksgiving (that he won't be attending for his new girlfriend) and showing everyone the video of a pig-sty of a place he left for us to clean up after he left.......
.........GGGGrrrrr....
drinking off the table...I know....but I feel violated.....
I am contemplating taking his prized fish and frying them for thanksgiving (that he won't be attending for his new girlfriend) and showing everyone the video of a pig-sty of a place he left for us to clean up after he left.......
.........GGGGrrrrr....
drinking off the table...I know....but I feel violated.....
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