LostLotus

Hey all, don't know if anyone remembers me, but I was posting before a trip to France over the summer. Sorry I disappeared but I had I something of a nervous breakdown afterward and have been seeing a psychiatrist, and maybe my experience can help someone else.

I thought I was an alcoholic. I'm not. As in I never suffer physical withdrawals. But I am severely ADHD and had been unmedicated my whole life until recently. The ADHD causes me to have quite extreme impulse control issues, which is why I was drinking inappropriately (amongst other stupid behaviors). But now that I'm medicated my impulses are quite under control, as is the drinking.

I don't know if this will help anyone, but the medication plus therapy is really helping, at least for me. Maybe there are others out there that are going through the same thing and just don't have a proper diagnosis, so I thought I'd share in case it will help someone else. But for actual addicts, maybe not the best thing because the meds are technically speed and can be abused.

I wish everyone the best and hope all is well, much love to all <3

Dee74

I'm glad you found something that's worked for you LL
just curious - when you say everything's under control, are you drinking?

D

alcoholsux

so, if you don't experience physical withdrawels, does that mean you are NOT an alcoholic? Just curious.

vivid-red

Just out of curiosity, a breakdown- like the one you had, can that include psychotic features?

I know I get bored really quickly and can't even sit still for long before getting up and chain smoking cigs... watching long films without a break is something I hate.

Dee74

there would be those who'd argue strenuously against that - me included

D

vivid-red

Ignore my question, I did a little online research and found that since I do respond well to atypical antipsychotics, someone with ADHD psychosis would not.

Anyway, glad you're doing better Lotus.

LostLotus

I stopped when I started the ritalin except twice when going out with colleagues. At this point, the doc will allow me 1 beer per day but I decided not to bother at all unless I'm out, but haven't gotten into that situation yet. I was worried what I will tell my friends and colleagues when I do get into that situation, but they know I'm under psychiatric care and if I just tell them it's doc's orders, they won't pester me.

The ritalin really kill the impulses I get to drink (I have other bad impulses too that it helps with), and if I remember to even think about it, I don't desire it.

I still get that impulse when I experience severe anxiety, but I am learning to recognize my triggers now and am working on other techniques to calm myself down, like slowing down my breathing and changing my perspective. And I have a couple people around me who are aware of the situation and can talk me down if I start to freak out.

LostLotus

Maybe it would be better if I said I'm not an 'addict'? My past behavior would indicate alcoholism but the underlying problem for me is not addiction.

I was also diagnosed borderline personality disorder with heavy histrionic traits, so substance abuse and lack of impulse control are part of my list of symptoms (amidst quite a few others). So we're treating the actual disorder rather than just each symptom individually, alcohol abuse is just one of many symptoms for me that need to be addressed and that one seems to have been the easiest to deal with so far, ironically. SO FAR!!!! I'm still in the early stages of treatment though!!! You will not believe the lengths that I'm having to go to in order to avoid triggers right now though, I'm on orders for no-contact with my best friend for a bit until I can sort my head... long story... good thing he's being understanding. He doesn't trigger me to drink but he triggers a particular anxiety right now that is very dangerous for me.

The ADHD was so bad though that the doctor couldn't have a conversation with me, which is why I'm on the meds now. He said he can't treat me if he I can't focus on the conversation. I don't really like the side effects, but it's the only thing that's helped me to stop wanting to push the big red button, so I'll take the side effect instead. Like I said, I had other bad impulses aside from drinking, so subduing my impulses just naturally helped with the substance abuse.

He made me quit weed completely, and I was far more unhappy about giving that up since I am experiencing quite a long episode of insomnia and anorexia and it was the only thing that helped me eat and sleep! I actually started to cry when he told me that. But I had my first weed-free night last night and somehow managed to sleep. Now if I could only eat...

LostLotus

Hmm psychotic, I'm not sure. He didn't mention psychosis. But I probably wouldn't take that very well so maybe he's not telling me!

At my very worst I was dissociating and having blackouts while I was completely substance-free, worried my friends that I couldn't remember that I had gone to the store an hour before, things like that. Happened twice and scared me so badly that's why I sought help. I've had drunk blackouts but for me that had an explanation. But not the sober blackouts. It's like I was so consumed with my inner turmoil that I couldn't process my surroundings, even though I was acting completely normal and functioning. I joke that I'm Tyler Durdan but it was actually really terrifying.

The breakdown was very histrionic, was due to a very cruel rejection I suffered at the hand of the person I loved and trusted the most (the best friend that I am no longer to have contact with for now, who has his own issues and is also in therapy). I had just divorced a few months earlier too. So it was like two enormous breakups at once and I was that rubber-band-about-to-snap. But not suicidal or homicidal or anything, I was just putting myself into very dangerous situations when I knew very well better that I shouldn't, but couldn't seem to stop myself, and was afraid I would end up dead because of this thrill-seeking behavior that I couldn't curb on my own.

Sorry for my novel-length posts!!! I don't know how to explain this stuff briefly.

LostLotus

I think I would refuse any anti-psychotics, I would have to look at the side effects. I have an eating disorder and he knows that any meds that will make me puffy or fat will never enter my bloodstream, they'd have to strap me down and force feed me that stuff. I told him that if he wants to see REAL crazy, see me get fat.

The ritalin treatment is going very well though, not really helping the anorexia, but I'm far from the starving stage on that, still well withing my BMI. Was living on beer calories before the meds, and smoking weed to stimulate my appetite so that I could at least eat my dinners before bed. One thing at a time though, and eliminating my substance abuse impulses has been a big, wonderful step for me.

And thanks for the kind words! Just hoping that if someone else is in my situation, that they can get the same help, because for me, eliminating the alcoholic behavior alone was not working at all. I was still a complete mess when not drinking, and would end up drinking even more when I'd start again because of l the terror I experienced when I had been sober and my mind was clear. I had no idea that my personality was disordered, always knew I had ADHD, but wow it explains so much and this is the right treatment path for me personally, so far.

freethinking

No, absolutely not. Just as non-alcoholics can have withdrawal (i.e. hangovers), alcoholics don't *have* to have them either. Alcoholism is a mental obsession that is acted upon...there is no requirement for it that you have to experience days of withdrawal to fit the bill. In fact, this only started happening to me (days of withdrawal) in my late 20s....but I have been drinking alcoholically since high school.

eJoshua

Very interesting, thank you for sharing and also for clarifying your experiences!

I know a few recovering addicts who discovered that they had severe ADHD after they got sober, so this kind of makes sense to me.

Lionne

Hey lostlotus,
Glad that you're back and that you are doing what it takes to take care of your mental health issues. Sorry that you had to go through two major bad situations in your personal life. I think this is a very interesting post, and I think I kinda get what you are trying to say. I have thought about the connection between prior mental health issues that go undiagnosed/untreated and alcohol problems a lot too, because it is something that affected me too.
I am definitely an alcoholic, but I started to abuse alcohol and became addicted to it mentally and to a certain extent also physically because I was self medicating the effects of depression and trauma. If I would have continued on this path, my physical withdrawal symptoms would have become worse than the ones I had when I quit. So I just wanted to say if you have a mental health issue and abuse alcohol, you can still become an alcoholic. But on the other hand I agree that some mental health issues can have problem drinking as a symptom.
The thing is, some alcoholics suffer from mental health issues that were there before the alcohol and they likely contributed to alcohol abuse being used as a coping mechanism.
I think there are more people out there with a dual diagnosis than one might think. And the symptoms of these mental health issues become more "visible" once the people get sober- and if anyone is suspecting that they have a mental health problem like depression, ptsd, suicidal feelings, bpd etc. I strongly advise them to get professional medical advice for it, because if there really is a problem, it's crucial to get diagnosed an treated as it can be very important to sort this out i order to stay sober and have a better life quality. This is the moments where faith based recovery programs reach their limits, they are great for support ands and help a lot of people to stay sober, but if you suspect that there are mental health issues involved, they probably won't be enough and more help is needed. I don't use aa (I used secular meetings and cbt), but I sometimes wonder if some of the people who state that they tried aa but it didn't help them maybe would i have needed help from a mental health professional additionally to a recovery group for it to work?
Anyways, thanks for posting this, I'm really wishing you a lot of success on your journey lostlotus, and it seems I'm a novel lenght poster as well ;P

LostLotus

Thanks so much!

It had gotten to the point for me that I would quit for a time and then my mental problems would get much worse. I always knew I was ADHD, didn't know about the personality disorder. I was back to drinking when I sought help, and I tend to be pretty faithful if a doctor tells me to do something, and I have to answer to him regularly. He doesn't think I need to quit altogether, but he doesn't want me having more than 1 per day, or 2 if I'm out socially. And I have to document this stuff daily in my mood journal (for a YEAR), and not going to lie to him because I sincerely need to get better.

I also can't really get very drunk on the meds, I don't get that must-have-one-more feeling after the first. For that matter I haven't even been wanting that first one. It was only social stuff the 2 times that I did drink since the meds, keeping up with the gang. And so much more mellow than my previous behavior, they used to have to keep up with me! And since I'm not getting the thrill that I used to, it seems far less appealing.

Unfortunately they are making me want food less too though, not so great when dealing with a bout of anorexia.

dawnie24

How do you know when a child as ADHD

sissy07

Wow LostLotus - you have really gone through a lot, and you are here to tell about it! You must be very introspective to know that you needed to seek help other than stopping drinking, and you must be very strong to have gone through all that you did and come out on the other side. (I think, for most of us, that having the problems (be it mental or alcohol) that we have can actually give us insight and empathy that a lot of others don't possess - IF we can get to the other side (big caveat there).)

Thank you for taking the time to post - very interesting information and food for thought. You really are a survivor.....good on you.

Nitram

Thank you for sharing!

LostLotus

You'd need a doctor to diagnose that, and I'm far from a doctor. Mine is really obvious because of the hyperactivity. Wiki has a nice entry on it, can explain much better than I can:

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Just from my experience though, as my son also has ADHD, be sure that if the doctor wants to prescribe medication that you're fully aware of the side effects. With my son, I took him off of them because it was easier dealing with the ADHD than how he was when he was medicated. He felt horrible. And they may stunt the child's growth, which worried me. Now that he's 16, he wants to try again because he saw how well they have been working for me, but we're just starting on that now.

Good luck!

LaFemme

So glad you are doing well!

I think many of us treat mental illness with alcohol and it's the whole chicken and egg thing. I needed therapy once I got sober to deal with the underlying causes for why I drank.

In my situation I don't think I will ever drink again...as I said in another post, even if they could convince me I was fine to drink again I wouldn't want to. I think it's gross

LostLotus

Well these meds kill any impulse for me to drink, I could have a beer here at work in 20 minutes at my desk but I just don't even care, wouldn't even be able to enjoy it. And this is generally my time of month where I would crave it the most (PMS significantly increases my impulsive behavior). So water's fine instead. Whatever works.