kickaha

Here is my first post and my story- I am 45 - a successful professional with a wife and 3 children. I have been drinking since before I was old enough to drink. If I carry on though as I am, I am sure it will finish off my tired liver and kill me-sooner or not much later. I gave up drinking earlier in the year and managed two months before I started drinking again.

I learnt a few lessons from the last time and need to make sure that this time the sobriety sticks.

The first thing I realise is that my number one enemy in this is myself. Fact is I love alcohol- when I drink alcohol it is the only time that I really feel relaxed and happy. I suffer from anxiety and social phobia so I guess this feeds into the whole thing. Not drinking alcohol means that I will no longer have any "time out" to switch off and destress. That is hard enough. This and the cravings I more or less expected.

What I didnt expect was how hard other people would make it for me give up drinking. My wife wont stop buying in alcohol-bottles of wine every week and bottles of spirits for christmas. When we go out she will sometimes drink heavily and the evening is then really not enjoyable for me sober under these circumstances. She will also encourage me to drink and I dont think she realises the seriousness of the situation. I dont want to make a big drama of it but her support would help me a lot and maybe save my life. She was actually the trigger that started me drinking again last time. The kids were going out somewhere on Friday night (a difficult time for me) and she started screaming at me because I didnt offer them a lift. No alcohol meant that I was then permanently on-call for taxi duty. That was the last straw.

Friends and colleagues similarly dont seem to understand if you choose not to drink. Why are you not drinking??- go on have one !! blah blah blah -do I have to explain my medical history to everyone to shut them up. Even if I tell them my liver is trashed - it doesnt seem to have the effect of shutting them up as you would expect.

I started doing martial arts partially as a way to spend time with people whos main social occupation isnt drinking and to divert myself into a healthier lifestyle..

Christmas is coming and social occasions particularly at this time seem to revolve around drinking. Add in to this as I said before that I dont enjoy purely social occasions very much (without alcohol) in any case this doesn´t help. So it seems that no alcohol will lead to the further destruction of my social life such as it is. Better this and stay alive though I guess.

Perhaps if this strikes a chord with anyone else you could give me some tips and help me out. How did you deal with these problems. I am sure I am not alone and that these issues are boringly familiar to many of you.

DarrenW

Our stories are close to the same- 41 years old, happily married, two kids (18 and 14), great job. problem is, I am one drink away from losing it. never been arrested, but drove drunk 100s of times (just last wed nite). Could have killed somebody, could have gotten arrested, could have lost it all.

Realized the next morning- when my car broke down while driving- how lucky I was it didnt happen the night before. I would have either been arrested or I would have ran and hid until someone came and got me---would have left the car on the street.

Thats the wake up call I needed. I am quitting before it is too late. My wife doesnt think I have a problem, and I am afraid to tell her I went to AA today. I would always hide and drink (binge when I could get away with it) I just have to tell her and stick to it. Dont lose everything you have! I refuse to take another chance.

Good luck

painterman44

Thanks for your post kickaha ,seems to me your surrounded with alcohol,personally i've been where your at.I had to put myself first to recover ,i drank for 28 years the last 8
every day.It was a life of hell for my family and myself,i knew time was running out ,most people think death is a far away place when they're drinking but from personal exp i've seen quite a few die in denial.

Find your local aa group ,go to a meeting,and you will soon realise you are no longer alone .Sobriety is doable if you really want it deep down inside .Good luck

rusty4444

Welcome to the group kickaha! I found that most people don't really care if I'm not drinking. I have always found social events to be very nerve racking for me but with some time sober I have come to realize that I can have just as much fun as those drinking. In fact my anxiety has dropped because I don't have to dread blackouts. My friends love that I no longer drink and are very supportive of me. When I drank I was no longer invited to social functions.

Painterman is right give aa a try lots of supportive people that have been there before. This is serious stuff. I received my 90 day chip on the same day a friend of mine passed away from this disease. He was only 40!

Best wishes for you.....Rusty

Dee74

Hi kickaha
Welcome

I think getting sober is one thing...getting sober and being happy about it is another thing

It was a pretty hard slog there for a while - I had to change many things about my life, I had to drop a few friends, and decline a few invites - but it was all worth it because, like you say, drinking was killing me.

Now looking back on nearly 5 years, I think it was the best decision I ever made

Give yourself, and other people, time to get used to the changes.
I think support is important too - noone ever does this alone IMO.

D

susanlauren

It doesn't really matter if other people understand why you can't drink. What matters is if YOU understand why you can't drink. Sure, it is nice to have the support of family and friends and that doesn't always happen. You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you are not drinking. I have learned that people really don't care what I am drinking (or not drinking) and if they do care, then I question if they have issues themselves (and my not drinking is a threat to them). If you feel you must give an explanation, you can say things like "I am trying to live a healthier life." "I'm watching what I eat and drink." "I'm on a diet/health food regimen." "I am on medication." "I am the designated driver." "I would love a drink -- diet coke please." Whatever. Drinking isn't other people's issue; it is yours and mine. Susan Lauren

TylerDurden

What was it that caused you to start drinking again? What triggered the urge to have a drink? Please answer this question as I believe it is central to your problem.

kickaha

It was Friday night- just got home from work- week over time to relax - go home destress- relax. Sat in front of television- just trying to shut out anxieties and worries- the little nagging voice saying you should be doing this and that. This is prime drinking time and a drink would be great right now. Its raining. The kids are going out somewhere. My wife says our daughter is going out somewhere and it is raining. She says it again. Our daughter goes out of the door. I look at my wife across the room and she is visibly enraged. She starts screaming at me. Why didnt you give her a lift in the car? you selfish blah blah blah... This goes on. We argue- I am not a taxi service- don´t I get any time to relax. It finally hits me that if I drink I am off the clock. If I don´t I am just permanently on call for taxi duty. And the worst bit is that I am not just on call in the sense that I respond to requests yes/no BUT (since no one asked me for a lift) I ACTUALLY HAVE TO ACTIVELY LOOK FOR PEOPLE TO GIVE LIFTS TO ALL THE TIME. I dont like driving very much and find it too be a stressful activity. This was kind of the final straw- heaped on top of everything else I had lost any hope of relaxation and a time out by giving up drinking. This was just too much for me- cue drinking.

Scolova

Sorry to hear you're getting stressed about it. I use to drive for a living, but now I also find it to be stressful and disorienting, so much so I've had to come up with excuses as to why I don't give people a ride in my car and why I never get on the big roads (Interstates). I am getting much better with driving again (mostly at night), sober also two months now, but if I had people in the car with me, my anxiety goes up.

Nevertheless

Quitting drinking was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. In order to quit, for me it had to be the number one priority 24/7 for 9 months,no excuses,no exceptions,no other way.
Alcohol will put a lot of strange ideas in our minds. Looking back I see all the things that used to trigger me to drink,and today things like that are simply a (non event). I can understand how on a Friday night you would be ready to unwind,and a simple thing like giving your kid a ride could put you on the wrong side of the fence. But your kids only grow up once,and a few years from now you will be kicking yourself in the butt for drinking these years away and missing it. I drank for 30 years and believe me, I am kicking myself in the butt for missing,and losing out on so much of my life.
Quitting really is like standing on a fence. One side is the sober side,and one side is the drunken side. At first the wind constantly blows us to the drunken side. It is a constant fight and struggle to stay on the fence. But slowly the wind will change direction,and will eventually blow us to the sober side if we stick with it long enough.
I have been sober almost 3 years,and I am out grazing in the field on the sober side of the fence,and I am staying as far away from the fence as I can.
In order to succeed at this you have to want it and I mean really want it bad. When you are faced with it looking forward,even a month seems like such a long time. That is why the say take it a day and even a minute at a time. But believe me, if you really stick with it,before you know it you will be looking back and saying I actually did it. All you gotta do is not take that first drink. Time really does fly when you are having fun. And sober life is sooooo much more fun.
I wish you the best...Fred

instant

I am in a similar situation. I have been sober 6 months. I used to believe I could not survive without a bit of "time out". I used to go around feeling burdened and harried by the world.

Experience has shown me that I was way off in predicting what sobriety could be like. I find it easier to cope with all of life's dramas and demands.

I now see that the relaxation delivered by alcohol, led me to be cranky, wound up and irritable during the day. I now see this was only going to get worse.

Our kids will not be with us forever. Now rather than feeling that too much is being demanded of me I am more relaxed and go with the flow.

I hope you find a way forward for yourself.

Dee74

hey Kick

if drivings stressing you out why not tell people that?
Give the kids money for a cab...

It's really not worth drinking over.

D

kickaha

thanks for the replies- I read them all gratefully and got through the weekend OK

Bobby1

kickaha, I very much hope you get better. I am really touched by your's and others struggles. It does help knowing how often elements of all our stories coincide, and that others have already achieved what we hope to.

I am trying and trying to drink less (I've not tried to stop yet). I really understand your family stress. Mine is so similar. I know its my fault for turning to drinking to escape it, and it seems you also hold yourself responsible. I can't help other than to say I understand.

I'm not sure what the solution is for either of us when home stresses cause the drinking. For me, I don't want to share it with my wife. I don't expect understanding or help and that's worse than working it out on my own. My Friday night went much the same way as your "started drinking again day" and it ended up being an 18 drink night (arg, and 12 would have been plenty). I know there is a better path and I really need to find it before I have serious problems.

freshstart57

Whoa right there. Give this idea a think: what if drinking causes the home stress, causes the anxiety, causes the social isolation? Won't you feel silly if you got this all backwards?

That's what I learned about me, and yes, I did feel silly. Keep posting here, hearing about your journey helps us on ours.

DayTrader

from the rest of what you wrote, I'd agree with your subject line. The "tip" is one of two things, as far as I can see it. If you can control your drinking and manage your life successfully and happily, start doing it now. If, on the other hand, you THINK you can but never really seem to pull it off.....then AA's got a guaranteed solution to your real problem - and it's not "drinking......it's lack of power.

Your experience will tell you really quickly whether you have the power to turn things around or not......have you done it before, has it stuck, can you do it now, are you doing it now, and is it working? If you can answer YES to all of those, you're in good shape. You likely still have the power of choice over whether you drink again or not and probably have the power to change yourself, your life and your experience with life. If you can't answer YES to all of them, then it's probably time to get looking for some new power in your life. Alcoholism sucks......and it doesn't always kill quickly. My dad, for example, has been "dying an alcoholic death" for going on 20 years now. He is THE most miserable person I've ever EVER met......and it's all because of alcoholism. .....and here's the kicker........he doesn't even drink all that often anymore. It's really sad...... cuz it doesn't HAVE to be that way. The one silver lining in the whole thing is that I get a front-row seat to how my life may turn out if I decide to ignore recovery and go back to doing what I want and what I feel like doing on a regular basis again.

GretaG

Actually, I'm annoyed with your wife (not giving you an excuse, just saying). Why couldn't she drive them, if it was such an issue for her? She turns into a rageaholic over something she did no better than you?

SamanthaIam

There's a difference between recognizing triggers, and responding to them.

I believe it's possible to say, "a while ago, that would have given me an excuse to drink." And to then NOT do it, because you have chosen a different way of life.

kickaha

she can´t drive- she has never learned

but its going well up to now- ducked two drinking invitations so far- my wife headed off a bottle of whisky and beer Christmas present for me.

it seems like the whole world is alcoholic when you dont want to drink

kickaha

just went shopping

wife bought:

1 bottle brandy + 1 bottle sherry for the Christmas cake
1 bottle of white rum + 1 bottle red wine because her sisters are visiting next week

we already have 1 bottle white wine and 13 bottles of beer in the house

she said I just have to have more self control but it doesnt make it easy.