DrivenHeart85

I hate myself...hate, hate, hate, hate. I expect myself to stay sober, lose 50 lbs, work 55 hours a week, regain a dating life that would actually include self-respect which I just proved I don't have, try to make friends, try to grow spiritually, try to fix my personality flaws, try to be a good daughter...blah blah blah. I am tired, I am exhausted, I hate myself, I hate people, I hate everything. That is my day 13.

bozboz

Hi DH85.

I'm sorry you are having such a bad day today. Maybe if you just try aiming for one thing at a time, and not give yourself a deadline on how soon you must accomplish everything. Think of what the most important priorities in your life...obviously, sobriety, and you have to work.
Just work with those two things for now.
Spirituality...that can come to you anytime. While your driving, in the shower, getting ready for work, before you go to sleep, etc...
Don't set your standards to high for now. Just try and get through one day at a time, and the rest will follow.

bozboz

Also, 13 days is an accomplishment. Congratulations on that.

Dee74

I wanted to fix everything too...by yesterday.
If recovery did nothing else, it taught me patience lol.

It's ok not to have all our ducks in place, and to pace ourselves, I think.

We're changing ourselves and our lives...that's always gonna take a little time

D

grateful101010

There is only one thing on your list you need to do: stay sober. Without sobriety, you won't be able to accomplish anything else on this list.

Scolova

Good job.
'Hate' is generally my #1 thing I need to work on, I am getting better at breaking out of it when it starts. Hate is what used to drive me to the liquor store everyday, anxiety & insomnia were the other biggies. Try your best to Stop and Forgive yourself and others, even if I don't say it out loud it helps me get over things.

Lionne

Hey Drivenheart85,
Sorry that you are having a bad day, and congrats on 13 days, this IS an achievement. This post could have been from me in early sobriety...and to be honest, it is so easy to get mad at ourselves for things we (or even others) think we should do, should be etc. You are doing good so far, and it's ok not to be perfect and achieve all these thuings at once. Staying sober is the most important goal right now, because the rest are long-term things that will fall into place along the road. You will feel better over time, and in the meantime, be gentle to yourself.
I know that it is is hard, and will take some time, but part of self-respect is to learn to be nice, accepting and loving to yourself and take good care of your emotional and physical needs EVEN if you are not the perfect person you think you should be. Would you judge a good frind as harshly as yourself for not being perfect, or would you be more compassionate and be thinking: "Hey, it's great that they are making some changes and try to become a better person. This must be hard for them, and yet they try and do their best." We are often our worst and most unforgiving critics. You are doing good so far. I hope you feel a bit better soon.

freethinking

I know this sounds really hokey, but if you can let this pass and ride it out sober - it will be a great accomplishment. This is one of the many challenges of sobriety....dealing with raw emotions that we used to pour alcohol all over.

You can do this.

BullDog777

that's probably one of the most well thought out, honest statements i've ever read in this forum.

i felt exactly the way you did too....and it SUCKS with a capital S.

however, lemme tell you something you might not know...early sobriety is messy. and frustrating...and filled with confusion, anger and regret. that's a reality that WILL change in time if you do the things you need to do in order to change your life.

we, in these "rooms" are filled with a success in our lives that is nothing short of a miracle- but to get that you have to be willing to take the worst of this until it gets easier.
it's gonna be hard and you're going to have to weather the storm, but if you hang in there and outlast the monkey on your back of addiction, life can be great again.

hang in there and keep posting. i love your honesty.

Saliena

Thank you for sharing... I am early in my soberity as well and I have had these exact same feeling.
When it happens what really helps me is to stop focusing on myself and to focus on other people. I will call some AA peeps. I will get out of my own head and really star to focus on others... it is helpful.

Good luck!

foodie1

I hope you start to feel better soon, early sobriety is so damn tough. It does get better, and it doesn't take too long. I'm only just past 90 days, it got loads better around 30-45 for me. HUGS!!!!

Gertron

Always keep the big picture in mind but just focus on smaller goals one at a time.

Anna

Learning to be patient with myself and my life was one of the hardest things I had to learn in early recovery.

Congratulations on 13 days sober!

DrivenHeart85

Thanks everyone. I do need to slow things down a bit. I'm very fortunate that this time around in quitting I finally understand that drinking again won't help anything, it'll just re-enter me into the addiction cycle and things will only get worse from that point. Still depressed an exhausted today, just trying to get through work and going to sleep and take it easy tonight and hopefully get back to some feeling of "normal" by Monday. lol

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR, Drivenheart85.

Sounds like you have a lot of emotions going all over the place in early sobriety. That's pretty common.

One thing I know for sure is that drinking right now, to change the way you feel, is not going to make things better. You might get a few hours of "vacation" but the feelings will come back tomorrow, probably even worse. Have you thought about trying AA?

DrivenHeart85

Hi Zebra, thanks for the welcome. AA gave me a good sober 8 months last year, but I decided it just wasn't for me and trying my own mix of things now.

artsoul

I agree with the others about being patient with yourself. It's no coincidence that two of the important sayings in AA are "Easy Does It" and "Keep It Simple"....

I can let myself get overwhelmed just by thinking about everything I need/want to do. Alcohol used to be my way of erasing that feeling. When I got sober I didn't have that crutch, so I had to work on letting go of things and not have to be in control all the time. It's not always about the destination - it's about enjoying the ride. There's no sense in trying to control the future anyway - just do what's in front of you today - you'll get there!:ghug3

Tigger41

That's a great post - I have those feelings sometimes. Great job on not giving in. Hang in there.

Elbow

I'm only six weeks into it and I also get ****** days of feeling down. I usually try to make myself busy with something.
Good luck

instant

I found it helped to focus on the sensory experience. Being bound up in "myself" in a forced way lasted for nearly 90 days, and was very wearing.

You may already be noticing sounds, the feel of things, the way things look that you "notice" rather than move on say with them a while and really focus on them. I found it really slowed me down to do this, and got me out of myself.