abandonedluv

My boyfriend and I have a six year age difference. But shared a love of music. I met him by chance, after posting an ad for a drummer online for my band. He was so easy going, kind, thoughtful. He told me about his alcoholic parents, and some traumatic childhood experiences related to this. While we dated his younger sibling was arrested for a DUI. That left him as the only member of his immediate family with a license because of Alcohol related offenses. He always said to me that I would never see him drunk. That he had been a heavy drinker since 13, and now, at 25 he had put that behind him and he would never let me see him that way.

Then the outings that lasted 12 hours began. He would leave the house at seven thirty and not return until that same time the next morning. Smashed out of his mind. Having not answered texts or phone calls since he left the house. It happened once. I chalked it up to youth. Twice, three times. It became an issue and I would ask him over and over to please stop doing it. I found myself explaining the basics of committed relationships and asked often how he would feel if I did the same to him. He would say what I wanted to hear and promise not to do it again but I could tell from his blank looks, that nothing was sinking in.

I started taking note of disappearing wine and alcohol in the house. I would come home and he would have polished off booze Id leave in the fridge. I would watch as we went out with band mates: we would have two pints of beer while he would be on his fourth by that point. I started realizing "this guy has serious issues with alcohol". I thought all I had to do was ask him and he would stop drinking. Because we had fallen in love so fast and so furious. And I remembered all the times he swore he didnt want to end up like his parents.

Well, the final straw came when I was sick with the stomach flu a few weeks ago. He left me even though I was writhing in pain in bed. I know now, it was to go drink at home with his father. I got progressivly worse. So I called him at 4pm begging him to come home. He didn't show up until 10 30pm. Obliterated by alcohol. I started bawling from pain and frustration and he began to hurl insults at me. Asking why I was being such an ******* and why I made him come home. Saying I should stop crying, because he wasnt worth it and I could find someone better in a heart beat. He cursed at me some more. Spilled some water on me out of drunkenness and left me alone for the night. In pain, teary eyed and made his way back to his parents house to continue drinking.

SInce that night its been a struggle of begging for forgiveness but then that very day drinking again. Or doing it all over the next weekend. He has promised to go to AA and therapy but then when the crisis is over he starts saying he doesnt need that and can control himself. This weekend, after a great night out at a movie he turned to me and asked if I wanted to go for drinks. I was flabbergasted!!. He has since moved out in the middle of the morning while I had a smoke outside of our building. This guy who was so loving and caring and worshipped the ground I walked on, morphed into a sort of monster in a matter of months. He claims he is moving to Australia for a few months, that he "cant be tamed". But in the same breath he will swear he loves me, that I am perfect and that I am his dream woman. Nothing he says is consistent or makes any sense. Its like he is Jekyl and Hyde. He is such a mess and since last Monday I dont think I have had a conversation with him where he doesnt reek of booze.

Its been three days. I am shocked, gutted. This man who I loved so quickly with all my heart and who talked about children with me abandoned me for booze. BOOZE!! Am I that undesireable? He has quit our band and our practice space is in his name so that is lost too. His other band and friends of three years will too be abandoned by him. He feels he needs to leave, NOW and not look back. His father is in remission from cancer....I begged him and told him about all of this. About all the wonderful things he will be leaving behind and that Australia is not a place for a young man with a drinking problem to go to alone. How much people who loved him would be hurt by this decision. All he said was that he was "finished with all of it". He uses his age as an excuse but what Ive seen I KNOW he has an issue with alcohol.

I am gutted. I can not imagine myself with anyone but him. And it makes me so sad. In my mind I know it would have been a disaster in the long run, but my heart hurts for us, him. And I worry what will happen to a young man with a drinking problem in a country known for drinking and drugs. If he could just be that man I met at first we would have been perfect for each other. I am shocked and stunned. I have no idea where to turn in dealing with something like this. I came here and read some posts tat at least helped the tears stop but I am still a mess and in shock and wondering if its wrong to think that I would take him back if he came here today and said he was going to change....

Kellye C

Hi, welcome and I am sorry for what you are going through.

To answer your question at the end of your post first, Al-anon is FULL of people who have been through similar things (and some much worse) as you and that would be a great place to turn. We also have an forum on here called Friends and Family of Alcoholics and you can get a lot of support from there.

You say that you don't understand why he left you for booze, and wonder if you are that undesirable. Please understand that this isn't about you and his addiction is no reflection on your worth. You didn't Cause this, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it (the 3 C's of Al-Anon). Let me repeat, this is not about you at all but instead about his obsession with and addiction to alcohol. It's all he wants and all he can think about. Anything else is lies and empty promises as you are finding out. We're pretty good at saying what the other person wants to hear but the truth lies within the actions.

Your boyfriend has unleashed the beast again and it is consuming his thoughts and actions to the exclusion of everything else. You are fortunate that you found this out earlier rather than later because living this life with an un-recovered alcoholic is hell on earth. I know this because my second husband is one and while I drove myself crazy trying to fix him and control his drinking and it just made it so much worse. I then started drinking with him out of frustration and ended up becoming addicted to alcohol myself. My addiction nearly killed me and I had to face the prospect of drinking myself to death or getting sober myself. I chose sobriety. So far, ten years later he still has not found it necessary to get sober. That is his problem and no longer mine.

Recovery IS possible as you can see on here and it isn't easy. It is hard as hell and it has to be because the alcoholic reaches a point where he or she wants to stop drinking more than he or she wants that drink. It is a point we each had (or have) to find and nobody else can find it for us. Your would be best served, in my opinion, to try to pick up the pieces of your life and go on.

Go check out the Friends and Family forum and read through the threads there. You can check out Al-Anon meetings in your area if you'd like and learn to live your life in a sane manner despite the insanity shown by and alcoholic that you love.

I wish you the best,
Kellye

abandonedluv

Thank you so much Kellye.

I am having a very difficult time with all of this. I keep going through unanswered questions in my mind, trying to put myself in his place to figure out what he might be thinking.

This site has saved me in my darkest moments dealing with my situation. I hesitated joining because I wasn't sure if I was just being hard on this guy, maybe I was reading too much into him having "fun". But reading other stories: from relationships to marriages etc. I am seeing so many similarities and I feel so much less alone.

A break up is tough enough. But having it be accompanied with the worry and sadness for the person you just left can feel so overwhelming. Its all so...tragic. To see someone with such talent and potential overcome by this disease.

I want him to have good things in his life and it saddens me to think of the possibility he may never face his demons head on.

I think meetings would be good for me to attend. I need to stop dwelling on my worry for him and make sure and not perpetuate any part of this cycle in my own life.

I thank you again for acknowledging my story and the good advice.

Dee74

Hi & welcome abandonedluv

I'm sorry for the situation that brings you here. I can't put things any better than how Kellye said it though...this is absolutely no reflection on you or your worth, even tho it might feel as if it is.

I left many people behind and I let many people down as an active alcoholic - I meant no harm really, but I was living in a fantasy world...I just assumed they'd be there when I came back...

I'm glad most of the people I loved had the sense to take care of themselves and protect themselves from me hurting them with my nose in the air selfishness and my 24/7 priority for getting wasted.

I hope you will too - Kellye's suggestions are great - I know for a fact you'll certainly find a lot of support in our FF forums.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

quitforme79

I am so sorry to hear you are going thru this abandonedluv. I just went thru a similar situation and it's a real crappy feeling when someone chooses the bottle over you. However, he can't give you what you need/deserve right now and him leaving will give you the time to process what has happened and eventually see that you are probably better off. I know how sad you are (I am too) and I know the lonliness/grief can be debilitating at times. The best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and let the grieveing process unfold so that you can move on with your life. I faulted myself for my bf not having the strength to stop drinking but alcoholism is an individual's choice and nothing you do could have stopped/changed him. Of course you will worry about him but the question is, is he worried about you? You sound like a wonderful caring person and I hope you feel better and see that you have so much more to offer to someone who can reciprocate the same (hugs)

Threshold

Wow,

I am in recovery myself, but both sides of this coin really hit home. My bf got sober about 6 months ago, but I still find him putting things, often sorta trivial things, before our relationship. I find him making stupid excuses to defend pointless behavior, and sometimes lashing out at me as if I am in the wrong to want my time and feelings to be respected.

Took the booze out, but there is still the computer, the tv etc.

I felt like a dishrag, tossed away because I am not good enough to compete against basically....NOTHING. But bammo, it's not my fault, it's got nothing to do with me.

It's not that I don't deserve attention and respect, it's that HE can't give it. Not now, maybe not ever, we are addressing that.

I do understand because as an addict I put a whole lot of trivial and wrongful things infront of important things and people to get my fix. Early in our relationship, I did the same regarding him.

I do NOT suggest that you hang around for more abuse. Because yes, addicts abuse people too, use them, use them wrongly, and apply them as neccessary to easy the pain. Get out and get into those meetings to learn how to not be "that girl" again.

My bf has recognized and made recovery steps regarding alcohol, he is acknowledging the same in other areas and seeking to address them. Yours is not, take care of yourself.

It may turn out that my bf and I have to part ways as well, but for now both of us are aware and addressing our behaviors, patterns and diseases. Sometimes even when the addict (or in my case addicts) are addressing their behavior, they need to go their separate ways, to take care of themselves.

Codependency is also a crippling disease. You clearly have a good head and heart. I'm sorry for the pain you're in but you are doing the right things to address it.

bubblehead

I do understand what you are going through. I just ended a relationship with the person I had been with for the last 7 months because of his drinking. What you are describing sounds like how he acted. Differences being that I knew exactly what I was getting into and told him from the start I only wanted a casual relationship.

I know it sounds crazy knowingly dating an alcoholic but I had just ended a five year relationship with someone who had a mental disorder that causes people to be controlling. I was traumatized by that relationship as I had watched this person literally seem to transform into another person the last year we were together due to his mental disorder. That had led to me drinking problematically which is how I got to this forum. So anyway, even though I had stopped drinking, the alcoholic did not seem so bad in comparison. Truthfully, he wasn’t. He was someone I have known for 10 years, and I felt comfortable with him as long as we set boundaries in the relationship.

Curiously, he was also very protective of my desire to not drink. If we were at a party and someone shoved a shot in my face, he would become irate and tell them I didn’t want to drink so stop trying to make me do something I did not want to do.
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We had plenty of problems because of his drinking. He would maybe once a week drink himself to the point where he’d black out and act like a jerk. He would do what you described. He would insult me, a minute later tell me I’m beautiful and ask me why I’m with someone like him and to go find myself somebody better. Then he would go back to insulting me. On these occasions, I would simply get up and leave and go home. I knew it was the alcohol talking. He would also occasionally say nonsensical things, like he really did not know what was going on. Then there was him passing out wherever he was and not being able to wake him up. I’d just go home those times too.

He would always call the next day and apologize. He frequently did not remember anything. He’d just apologize for whatever he did that made me leave. Most of the time, I would not tell him what he did, would just say “Nevermind it, I knew you were just drunk.” Although I did once tease him and pretend like we had made plans to marry the following week and act surprised he did not remember LOL. For the most part, I just let it go.
I never asked him to quit drinking as I knew he wouldn’t. I also know he knows what he is doing to himself and everyone around him. He cracks a beer as soon as he gets out of bed in the morning and drinks it steadily all day. He sometimes hits the hard liquor at parties or at night and that’s usually when the trouble starts. He knows this and while he never promised me he’d quit drinking, he’d say he was done with hard liquor. I watched him pour many $30 bottles of tequila down the drain. Within a week, he’d drink hard liquor again.

There was even one night where he acted up at the bar. They punish him when he misbehaves by making him stay outside for a week. We went up there so he could apologize the next day. He was forgiven. He was drunk by the end of that night, yelling and throwing beer cans in people’s yards.

The difference between this person and the person you are describing is that the man I dated is 25 years older than me. He has been doing this since his 20’s. He lost his wife, 2 long term relationships and me to his alcoholism. He is aware of this, frequently says this. He told me I’d leave eventually too. He knows all this and yet he still drinks.

If a person does not want help, they are not going to get help. It’s not that they are choosing the alcohol over you; it’s that the alcohol still has control over them. They are not themselves while drinking. They are whatever the alcohol makes them into, which is often wildly different from whom they actually are. You can’t take it personally.

I deal with the person I was dating by just talking to him on the phone every couple weeks, but that is because I have no expectations. I can’t handle being around him anymore but like to know that he has not died of alcohol poisoning, or gotten a DUI. In your case, you had expectations and you were deeply emotionally attached. If I were you, if he comes back around, tell him not to bother calling unless he has been sober and getting help (AA, treatment, whatever, even send him to his forum) for at least a few months. Run like hell from him if he is still drinking. As long as he is not taking action towards change, he will not change and will continue to get worse.