stillhopingjean

once again I made 9 days and fell off. I really can't do this alone, but the AA notions of character defects just make me feel worse. Starting again.. today = day 1.
Jeannie

lor

im new myself but u can do it!! just have faith and keep trying. thats what im doing i have failed b4 but im back to trying. its all u can do. just try not to give up good luck

dawnrunner

Where do you see AA notions of character defects getting in your way? I'm just curious because I don't find anything in AA excessively judgmental.

I believe there is something wrong with a life that is designed around drinking/drugging. I am happy to consider that whatever type of defect it's called.

I am really just asking and please don't feel accused or anything. It was easy for me to see my mistakes in the AA descriptions.

stillhopingjean

I don't feel accused - it's neat the way you put it. It's easy for me to interpret everything in the most negative way possible, I guess. I'm stuck in a pity party of my life sucks, I have no happiness, it's all my fault but I can't live with that so I can't even bear to address it. But I am trying again - starting today. Thanks for responding!
Jeannie

Peter G

You can't stop drinking even though that is your desire, yet you have a hard time with the notion that something might be defective, considering? Hmmm... in a perfect world I guess.

I found AA after 43 years of denying it's validity. I used every excuse possible, from their "judgmental" nature (which is bu!!$h!t), to their insistence that I believe in God (more bu!!$h!t). The gamut of reasons to avoid AA were nothing but my own alcoholic 'beast' talking me out of getting help. Your alcoholism has a self preserving nature you know. It will lie, cheat, hell it will do anything to stop you once your goal is to kill it. What I bolded in red from your OP sounds to me like your 'beast' simply conning you into avoiding the help you might actually find at AA.

Bottom line for me was that my excuses eventually ran out, and other programs did little to help me from boozing myself to death for decades. I wasted years trying different systems, and each time they failed me I felt more hopeless, more helpless, and more resigned that my life was already over. AA helped when all else failed, full stop. It can do the same for you.

Me thinks you might want to set aside your own preconceptions of what AA is and how it works, at least until you try it for real. When I finally tried AA, tail between my legs and expecting the worst, you know what I actually felt? I felt comfortable, finally, in that I had found people who understood me and what I was experiencing. I felt like I found a home. I felt like I had found hope, in that I saw people who had a problem at least as big as mine, yet they were sober, happy, and fulfilled in life. Not one tiny bit of the AA program as I've come to know it dwells on character defects, nor does it judge me in any way. If it did I would have tossed it like everything else that promised me the moon and left me with nothing more than wasted time.

AA is a program designed to help alcoholics stop drinking and (through the work) live much happier more content lives as it's own result. It is not an examination of character defects anymore than it simply asks that you admit to the obvious defect in your life, which is: drinking in spite of dire consequences and the desire to NOT drink. I dare say that it's not even considered a defect to the folks in AA, more an illness, a malady, a sickness. Honestly Jean, I think you'll find that AA is the exact opposite of what you think it means.

freethinking

You don't even really need to worry about that whole "defects of character" business now anyway. It sounds like you need face to face support - so go back to some meetings! The majority of people there are good and well-meaning, and if anyone gets too heavy for you at this stage, it is perfectly okay to let that person know. I always focus on the negative too in the beginning, i totally understand.

I don't do AA myself anymore, but I credit it a lot to helping me not feel as hopeless as I felt when I first sobered up back in May. I think I really needed the support, but I never got into the steps or a sponsor once I felt strong enough to explore other options.

simian66

Don't forget there are alternatives to the _A model. Check out the secular connections area. Maybe that is more to your liking.

Sugah

AA's not the only way. I'm AA, and it's the only way that's worked for me, but I don't extrapolate and say it's the only way for everyone. It's not. What I will suggest, though, is that if you're desiring lasting sobriety with any degree of serenity and contentment, whatever path you choose will require that you change. The same person, if alcoholic, will drink again -- or be incredibly miserable. My change included a personal housecleaning, which, rather than making me feel worse, freed me.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Mark75

I think the words used in the big book... "defects of character"... may have been the best words that Bill W. could have come up with to get to the meaning and purpose of the 4th step. I, like you, recoiled a little at that phrase. My own reaction to those words are complicated and beyond the scope of what I want to say here.

Get a sponsor.

Hmm, that's really what I have to say. Get a sponsor.... I had to see these steps in action, well, I had to put them in action myself... before I understood.

Far from being humiliating... they are liberating, life affirming and not at all toxic... when done they way they are intended.

If you went nine days and then fell off, well... I think the 1st step is the one to get your head, and more importantly, your heart, around...

Keep coming back!

NYCDoglvr

When I walked into the rooms of AA I was told I just don't drink today. The steps are only suggested and they're meant to be undertaken with a sponsor when you're ready. I suggest ignoring the steps for a while with the exception of the First Step: realized I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.

I certainly couldn't get sober alone ... I needed the support of other recovering alcoholics to do it. AA's literature says: "the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking".

Dee74

Hi Jean

There are other recovery models too - maybe check these out and see if any resonate with you a little more:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

these are American links but I'm sure you could Google the Canadian versions if you find one you like the sound of

D

dawnrunner

It's hard for anyone to do alone.

I went to my first AA meeting with a group: my rehab buddies and our director. So I felt safe and had some friends there.

I was so surprised about what I encountered. Many different people ranging from long-time sober to shaky first-timers like me, many professions and some unemployed, but what I loved was the honesty.

I don't think I have ever been in a room so filled with a commitment to total honesty.

I was totally amazed at what I took away from those meetings. My separation from AA is partly responsible for my relapse. I got lazy and private and sneaky, and guess what happened.

If you want to have your preconceptions exploded and find a group of true soldiers for integrity, find an AA meeting and be 100% yourself.

stillhopingjean

Thanks everyone. I'm on day 3 here - two nights of vivid dreams and watching the clock - but still here. Thanks for the insights into AA - I think I am definitely seeing everything as negative. I will look at the links provided and keep moving forward!

Jeannie

tanja

Jean, I find the character defects step somewhat troubling. There is nothing wrong with growth and identifying characterisitcs that you would like to change. However, solely focusing on what is wrong with you is not conducive towards growth. Recommend you make another list of all your attributes and strengths.

camedown

One thing to keep in mind, alcohol causes depression. Try to fight through the first month or so till the depression lifts, because while your in its throws, you will beat yourself into anything. I have found AA wonderful, as one said above, the honesty is so refreshing compared to what I face outside the rooms. Good luck!!!


camedown