newdayfortoday

I ended up getting sober with a friend of mine who kindly pointed out the obvious of me drinking too much. Well my buddy relapsed and has been on and off the sober train. One week drinking all the time and then some sober time then drinking again.

The thing that's really kind of bothering me is not that there's a struggle, it's I get told that he's getting sober and then when I ask about it he acts like I'm overstepping boundaries and is drinking moderately.

He also thinks that his gf is going to keep his drinking controlled since he doesn't get as wasted around her as he normally would and his father drinks but his alcoholic behaviors are in check by his mom so he can do the same.

He also doesn't like AA due to the God thing and doesn't need any support group because they're hypocrites. He also doesn't buy into the fact that he has any issues but just loves the taste of beer so much that he can't live without something so delicious.

I guess I just needed to vent about it. After I was semi told off about asking about Day 1 since he told me yesterday that he needed to stop, I just got pissed. I simply asked for him to stop talking to me about it if he didn't want me asking.

bmwcycle

What your going through must suck, but you can only control yourself. It seems that you have stopped and have frustration as relates to another's behavior, because he has let you down. He has let himself down and maybe that is the source his angst towards you which is unjust but logical.

I would state to him that you are there to help him get sober if he asks and just leave it at that, and act as you normally would to him.

Good luck to you,

newdayfortoday

Thanks, that would really make sense and although slightly obvious I totally didn't think of the reverse angst.

I just simply stated to him to not tell me he wants to get sober then turn around and get defensive when I ask. Sober equals no drinking not moderation so when he states sober then it means zero alcohol.

He ended up apologizing and said he felt I was attacking him. I think his girlfriend, who he thinks makes controlling alcohol possible since she's normal, has also been riding him about his alcohol intake.

Either way you're right it doesn't inpact my journey but is a bit of a let down because I did enjoy talking to him about sobriety. I'm still in early recovery so am a bit obessive about it.

newby1961

I think he is acting like a typical normal alcoholic who will defend their drinking to the bitter end. I did and if you are an alcoholic you probably have to. To bad he hasn't reached his bottom yet but thank God you have.
Sometimes when people are using we expect them to act rational and sane, we forget they are in the throws of their addiction and insanity is running rampant.
All you can really do now is turn it over and pray for him and try not to get lost in his disease. You need to keep the focus on your recovery and that some days is a full time job.

heathersweeds

Hi Newday- I have a very similar situation. My best friend was gentley on me about getting sober and how wonderful AA is. She was 2yrs sober at the time.Now Im 19 months sober and shes been drinking everynight for months with her new boyfriend. I miss her so much and miss talking with her about recovery. She wont even come to meetings with me anymore. I had to let her go....It gives me comfort that her higher power has her back better than I ever could. Too many seeds were planted in our friends for them to be hopeless!

bmwcycle

I agree that it is great to have someone who is going through the same process as you. I am lucky that I have two such people, one who has been sober for over 10 years and one who has a few years under his belt. It is an amazing resource to have someone who shares their past experiences to assist other find their path.

I too had a buddy who stopped at the same time and he has since started drinking again and almost every time I see him he makes so excuse or qualifier for his drinking. I tell him the same every time, as long as your happy I am happy for you. I pass no judgement on him nor do I revel in my own accomplishments, I am there to support my friends. Although it is not blind support and the drinking gets out of hand and people are foolish in their actions I say good night and offer anyone a ride before I leave the situation.

Again best of luck and I am sure there are a few on this board that are on the same timeline, hope you connect with someone who can share the ride.

newdayfortoday

Thanks. I know that I, also, bitterly defended my drinking but sometimes you forget once you reach that "enlightened" point that there is no denying that you have alcohol issue or are an alcoholic. However you want to say it. I'm early in sobriety but one of my fears is slipping back into the mind frame of I have control over alcohol and this time I won't drink like that.
Heathersweeds, I remember your post about your best friend, I believe. I'm very sorry that had to happen but your post really helped me at the time because I felt I could relate since my friends still drink, my ex was going out drinking and I just felt jealous that I was missing out and was all alone. Hearing your story helped me realize I'm not alone. That we will get through it and over time I realized that the "missing out" that I have in my head is just in my head.

Nirvana1

People who are drinking are way different from themselves sober. It's pretty clear that the alcohol has taken over again, and your friend is just trying to find new ways to justify his drinking. He has probably exhausted most excuses and reasoning to keep drinking, so now he is making up new excuses that he can try and trick himself with.

The best thing for you to do is not bring it up at all. It sounds like this friend helped you get sober, but now that he is drinking again, it will only bring you down to talk to him. Don't let his situation hinder what you've accomplished. If he is ready to get help again he will ask for it. He knows deep down that he has a major problem, but the last thing any alcoholic wants is for someone else to know they are one!

dawnrunner

I'm sorry about your friend. I did OP rehab and had a 'group' of buddies -- we all went through a lot together in our sessions and meetings.

Soon after our counseling ended, I learned that one of us had relapsed and been thrown out of his house, and was living in his truck.

After a few weeks I ran into another member of our group who said he had seen 2 others going into a bar hammered in their town.

Finally: 2 years later, I took my car in for brake work and a mechanic came out and flung his arms wide and said hello, moving in for the big survivor hug. He was sober, and looking so healthy that I hardly recognized him. Yes, one of my group guys, sane sober and thriving. We both got tears in our eyes.

It is a journey, and there are places to fall off the road into the ditch. I've seen that ditch myself from the downside looking up.

I hope your friend comes back to sanity but for now, maybe let him travel his path without you.

humnbird

Sorry you're going through this.. Watching someone struggle and not having the power to help them is incredibly challenging. I've had lots of friend relapse, and eventually I realized that I didnt have to shut them out, but I had to keep them at arms length or I started to sacrifice my own happiness...that's just what works for me! Also think about your sobriety! Misery LOVES company. take care of yourself.

I laughed when I read this because that's what I believed too. Until I was near death and had no other option, then I was crawling into the program on my knees begging for help. Just wait, he'll get there. There is no "god" thing. It's spirituality not religion and we AA know this...

Good luck!

newdayfortoday

It's hard to listen to that and even though I'm not a huge proponent of AA I think it's a great program and to say that is just, harsh.

He's just so stubborn and thinks along the lines of, this is how I am and everyone else can bite me. He has said, those people in AA cry about addiction then go out and get hammered.

He doesn't deal with his emotional side and says that he only has physical repercussions from alcohol, not mental. He claims that he has no emotional backlash from drinking at all. In regards to memory he says he's actually smarter while drunk. It's ridiculous. This was said while we were getting sober together. I just had a different experience. Like the mental fog and the feeling of when it lifted, the day after depression being gone and just recovering in general from what I put my body and mind through and the fact that I was self medicating.

He states that he drinks because he loves beer and it's not even to get drunk. That's he's a normal person who just loves beer too much and can't stop once he starts because it's so delicious. This is coming from someone who was drinking all day long from wake up until bed. Once drunk who knows what he would do and had taken to smoking rocks but only when wasted and I'm not sure if he still is. Alcohol is definitely the DOC. It's just frustrating I guess and I suppose taking a step back would be good because my recovery needs to progress without that negativity and now with him drinking again he's just so cranky and impossible. I guess he just needs to find his bottom.

I mean it was so hard to get me to understand I had a problem and once I did I wanted to get better. He knows he has a problem but he continues to believe he can control it.

BASEjumper

I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I read stuff like this.

bubblehead

I had a friend who recently told me she quit drinking. We went out to lunch one day and she had 2 beers. We went, did some other stuff and then she asked me to stop at another restraunt where she drank 2 more beers. On our way home, asked me to stop at a store where she bought 2 more beers.
Then argued with her husband on her cell and told him she had not been drinking. 10 minutes before we got back to her house, she stuffed her mouth with gum and sprayed herself with perfume. I guess her idea of "quitting drinking" is hiding it because that was 6 beers before 3 PM. I feel sorry for her, been there, done that. I did wonder why she told me quit then did it right in front of me, but I knew making her feel guilty would do no good, so I said nothing.
Had another friend who two months ago moved back with his family at 43 because his drinking had rendered him homeless. Their rule was no drinking. He didn't for 3 weeks as far as I know, then started going across town and having one or two, which he justified, which turned into 3 or 4 etc. I dont know how he's doing now as he called me and cussed me out drunk in the middle of the day 2 weeks after he started drinking again and I no longer speak to him.
I think you might want to let your friend know another person cannot keep him sober. HE has to do that. Since you are staying sober, you might want to distance yourself a little until he is ready to quit.

newby1961

To say what is harsh?

NYCDoglvr

It sounds like you have to part ways while he resumes drinking. Tell him you'll be there for him when he decides he really wants to get sober. Unfortunately there's nothing you can say or do that will keep him sober, it's something we must do for ourselves.