Better late than never..
L'il fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
Better late than never..
Well, after a couple of years, it looks like I've finally made my way back. 
Hey everyone, my name is Linda, and I'm an alcoholic (although I've spent a lot of time vehemently denying that). I know I signed up as a member here at SR the last time that I seriously tried to deal with my alcohol issues, and I considered creating a new profile so that I could "start fresh", but ultimately decided that wouldn't be entirely honest. After all, it's important for me to acknowledge my history and my failures.
Just a bit about me and my drinking history: I've been drinking pretty steadily since my mid-teens, and I haven't really looked back. Beer and cider are my poisons of choice, but really I'll drink whatever I can get my hands on. In fact, during my last binge 6 days ago I literally *searched* my house for my fiancee's small bottles of Jameson and rum that she literally hid from me, and proceeded to take multiple shots before heading out later to pick up more beer and replace what I'd drank so that she'd never know. That was a pretty bad day for me, and made me feel as if I'd finally hit a low that I'd never reached before.
I always told myself that I'm more of a binge-drinker than a hardcore every-day drinker, who gets the shakes waking up in the morning. I've worked shift work for years, working 12-hours shifts and leaving me 2-3 days off in between. On days I work, I don't drink. On days off, that's another story…..Of course I've always known, deep down, that binging on my days off isn't really any better than drinking constantly. For years I've been either drinking or going through withdrawal while working. As soon as I'd be off from work, I'd be staring down the bottom of a bottle just trying to feel good again. And here I told myself that I was more psychologically addicted than physically. Yeah right.
So, I turned 30 this year. Anyone here ever hear of the notion of a "Saturn Return"? For the past 6 months or so (or longer, it's hard to tell any more) I've felt that my lifestyle with booze just isn't *working*, and sooner or later I'd have to really deal with this. I'm just so tired of feeling like crap, and the endless cycle of guilt and shame. I feel trapped in a routine, and feeling increasingly helpless every time I've committed to changing that routine and failing. Like so many others before me, I've felt that I *can* do this by myself, if only I reallyreallyreally put my mind to it. Only recently have I finally admitted total defeat. I *need* support.
I just feel like I have too much to lose at this point. I have a decent job, a loving partner of 8 years who I will be married to next year, a beautiful home, loving family. I've been pretty good at masking the more destructive aspects of my alcoholism, but sometimes I wonder how much others can truly see my facade for what it is.
Tomorrow I will have been sober for 1 week. The first 3 days were pretty rough, but I'm slowly starting to come out of the more unpleasant physical/emotional effects. I'm sure emotionally, there's so much more to come.
Man, there's a helluva lot more I want to say and express, but I think I will end it here for now. Thanks SR, reading through these threads has really helped me this past week. Everything everyone talks about is SO familiar to me and could've been written by me.
Hey everyone, my name is Linda, and I'm an alcoholic (although I've spent a lot of time vehemently denying that). I know I signed up as a member here at SR the last time that I seriously tried to deal with my alcohol issues, and I considered creating a new profile so that I could "start fresh", but ultimately decided that wouldn't be entirely honest. After all, it's important for me to acknowledge my history and my failures.
Just a bit about me and my drinking history: I've been drinking pretty steadily since my mid-teens, and I haven't really looked back. Beer and cider are my poisons of choice, but really I'll drink whatever I can get my hands on. In fact, during my last binge 6 days ago I literally *searched* my house for my fiancee's small bottles of Jameson and rum that she literally hid from me, and proceeded to take multiple shots before heading out later to pick up more beer and replace what I'd drank so that she'd never know. That was a pretty bad day for me, and made me feel as if I'd finally hit a low that I'd never reached before.
I always told myself that I'm more of a binge-drinker than a hardcore every-day drinker, who gets the shakes waking up in the morning. I've worked shift work for years, working 12-hours shifts and leaving me 2-3 days off in between. On days I work, I don't drink. On days off, that's another story…..Of course I've always known, deep down, that binging on my days off isn't really any better than drinking constantly. For years I've been either drinking or going through withdrawal while working. As soon as I'd be off from work, I'd be staring down the bottom of a bottle just trying to feel good again. And here I told myself that I was more psychologically addicted than physically. Yeah right.
So, I turned 30 this year. Anyone here ever hear of the notion of a "Saturn Return"? For the past 6 months or so (or longer, it's hard to tell any more) I've felt that my lifestyle with booze just isn't *working*, and sooner or later I'd have to really deal with this. I'm just so tired of feeling like crap, and the endless cycle of guilt and shame. I feel trapped in a routine, and feeling increasingly helpless every time I've committed to changing that routine and failing. Like so many others before me, I've felt that I *can* do this by myself, if only I reallyreallyreally put my mind to it. Only recently have I finally admitted total defeat. I *need* support.
I just feel like I have too much to lose at this point. I have a decent job, a loving partner of 8 years who I will be married to next year, a beautiful home, loving family. I've been pretty good at masking the more destructive aspects of my alcoholism, but sometimes I wonder how much others can truly see my facade for what it is.
Tomorrow I will have been sober for 1 week. The first 3 days were pretty rough, but I'm slowly starting to come out of the more unpleasant physical/emotional effects. I'm sure emotionally, there's so much more to come.
Man, there's a helluva lot more I want to say and express, but I think I will end it here for now. Thanks SR, reading through these threads has really helped me this past week. Everything everyone talks about is SO familiar to me and could've been written by me.
dude in recovery
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Gulf Coast, TX
Posts: 1,504
Congrats on coming back and one week sober. 
I turned 40 this year, drank heavily daily for about ten+ years, it has taken me this long to completely understand how much of a slave I was to the drink. Looking back over the last 5 years there were many times I would be nearly to the point of passing-out (DTs) in the corner or grocery store, just from the daily routine of buying my beer. It's a cycle that HAS to be stopped or slowly but surely it will kill us. I know now my bad days sober are great in comparison to the hell of addiction.
I turned 40 this year, drank heavily daily for about ten+ years, it has taken me this long to completely understand how much of a slave I was to the drink. Looking back over the last 5 years there were many times I would be nearly to the point of passing-out (DTs) in the corner or grocery store, just from the daily routine of buying my beer. It's a cycle that HAS to be stopped or slowly but surely it will kill us. I know now my bad days sober are great in comparison to the hell of addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Welcome back. I'm glad you didn't come back under a new name. A lot of folks just dissappear from SR and I often wonder what happened to them. It is tough not to think the worst sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
MC,
Welcome back, and good luck. I had to smile at:
...I've felt that I *can* do this by myself, if only I reallyreallyreally put my mind to it.
What you will come to understand is the extent to which denial is the cornerstone of addiction. And of course the source of that denial is the same mind that we hoped we could reallyreallyreally set to work on our addiction. Any wonder we never got very far?
What I can share from the perspective of almost two years sobriety is that I love my life sober. As much as I wanted to get off the hellacious ride of alcoholism, I was convinced that I would spend the rest of my days gutting it out wishing I could drink but knowing that I could not. I have found a peace that I suppose I was searching for in booze. The difference is that I no longer need alcohol to flee from the discomforts of life, I have the tools and the perspective to deal with them head on. The odd thing is that I now find myself in a place I never knew existed, and wouldn't have believed it in any event.
So here is what I was told I needed, and I found it to be true: honesty, openess, and willingness. For me, the answer was AA; other equally worthy paths exist, but you will still need Honesty, Openess & Willingness to make it to your destination.
Good luck - it's worth the effort, I promise you.
Welcome back, and good luck. I had to smile at:
...I've felt that I *can* do this by myself, if only I reallyreallyreally put my mind to it.
What you will come to understand is the extent to which denial is the cornerstone of addiction. And of course the source of that denial is the same mind that we hoped we could reallyreallyreally set to work on our addiction. Any wonder we never got very far?
What I can share from the perspective of almost two years sobriety is that I love my life sober. As much as I wanted to get off the hellacious ride of alcoholism, I was convinced that I would spend the rest of my days gutting it out wishing I could drink but knowing that I could not. I have found a peace that I suppose I was searching for in booze. The difference is that I no longer need alcohol to flee from the discomforts of life, I have the tools and the perspective to deal with them head on. The odd thing is that I now find myself in a place I never knew existed, and wouldn't have believed it in any event.
So here is what I was told I needed, and I found it to be true: honesty, openess, and willingness. For me, the answer was AA; other equally worthy paths exist, but you will still need Honesty, Openess & Willingness to make it to your destination.
Good luck - it's worth the effort, I promise you.
L'il fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
Thanks for the kind words, everyone.
Hahaha. I guess that's would one would call one's "addictive voice" talking? The voice that sets one up for failure so that the cycle can continue? I knew deep down that I was fooling myself.
I gotta say, I feel kinda like crap today. I'm working a night shift (which I'm not really a fan of in the first place), and I'm feeling dizzy and agitated. Everything that my partner is doing/saying is grating on my nerves (he's a stand up guy, but tonight he's driving me bonkers). I suppose I'm going to have days like this...
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle 
MC,
Welcome back, and good luck. I had to smile at:
...I've felt that I *can* do this by myself, if only I reallyreallyreally put my mind to it.
What you will come to understand is the extent to which denial is the cornerstone of addiction. And of course the source of that denial is the same mind that we hoped we could reallyreallyreally set to work on our addiction. Any wonder we never got very far?
Welcome back, and good luck. I had to smile at:
...I've felt that I *can* do this by myself, if only I reallyreallyreally put my mind to it.
What you will come to understand is the extent to which denial is the cornerstone of addiction. And of course the source of that denial is the same mind that we hoped we could reallyreallyreally set to work on our addiction. Any wonder we never got very far?
I gotta say, I feel kinda like crap today. I'm working a night shift (which I'm not really a fan of in the first place), and I'm feeling dizzy and agitated. Everything that my partner is doing/saying is grating on my nerves (he's a stand up guy, but tonight he's driving me bonkers). I suppose I'm going to have days like this...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by midgetcop
I suppose I'm going to have days like this...
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Strange days indeed
Strange days indeed
-John Lennon
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
I suppose I'm going to have days like this...
Yes, but it's temporary. Check out the term PAWS and pick up a copy of the book Under the Influence by Milam. It really helped me get through the rough patches in early sobriety to know I was going through a predictable and temporary healing process.Keep it up!
L'il fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle
I suppose I'm going to have days like this...
Yes, but it's temporary. Check out the term PAWS and pick up a copy of the book Under the Influence by Milam. It really helped me get through the rough patches in early sobriety to know I was going through a predictable and temporary healing process.Keep it up!
I'm feeling pretty good today, and surprisingly the "voice" has been pretty quiet this week. I don't expect it to always be this way, but I truly don't have a strong desire to drink right now. Normally on my days off I'd be a bundle of anxiety, obsessing over booze until finally relenting and heading to the liquor store. I think it helps that I have a pretty full schedule ahead of me, and plenty of things to take care of and keep my mind busy.
There's a bottle of wine in the fridge (friends brought over the other night) and I'm not in the least tempted. Although I think I'll ask my fiancee if she doesn't mind if I dump it anyway. There's no point in taking unnecessary chances.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
MC,
Dump it. Early sobriety has pretty rough odds - having booze in the house is more than an unnecessary chance, it's asking for trouble. It took me months to not be uncomfortable around alcohol, much less having it sitting there every time I opened the fridge.
Hang in there!
Dump it. Early sobriety has pretty rough odds - having booze in the house is more than an unnecessary chance, it's asking for trouble. It took me months to not be uncomfortable around alcohol, much less having it sitting there every time I opened the fridge.
Hang in there!
L'il fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
Well, the wine has been unceremoniously dumped down the sink. Maybe I should tell her to also dump the rum and whiskey as well, considering that she didn't hide them all too well. 
It's been a good morning so far. I've done an oil change and am prepping our motorcycles for the long winter-sleep. Normally I wouldn't dream of doing these "chores" without a beer in hand, but so far so good. I can tear through the house and do a million productive things while drinking, but not always very *well*. Often I do a sloppy job, screw something up, or even forget what I'd done exactly. I'll put tools somewhere and not be able to find them later on. I'll get really impulsive and ambitious and tackle things that I'm not really qualified for.
Although despite my sobriety I still managed to spill some gasoline all over the bike while trying to fill it from the jerry can. Ah well. You can't win 'em all.
It's been a good morning so far. I've done an oil change and am prepping our motorcycles for the long winter-sleep. Normally I wouldn't dream of doing these "chores" without a beer in hand, but so far so good. I can tear through the house and do a million productive things while drinking, but not always very *well*. Often I do a sloppy job, screw something up, or even forget what I'd done exactly. I'll put tools somewhere and not be able to find them later on. I'll get really impulsive and ambitious and tackle things that I'm not really qualified for.
Although despite my sobriety I still managed to spill some gasoline all over the bike while trying to fill it from the jerry can. Ah well. You can't win 'em all.
L'il fighter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
Just wanted to post an update on my progress and how I've been feeling lately. It almost feels narcissistic to talk about myself so much, but I'd like to think of this as a kind of journal.
I don't know my exact sobriety date, but I believe I'm at a bit over 2 months. It feels as though it's been a lot longer, and I don't mean that in any kind of negative way, like I'm itching to get back to drinking.
This is the longest I've been sober for almost 15 years.
There was a period of a few weeks starting just before the holidays and ending a few days ago where I felt physically VERY crappy. I was very tired, foggy, in some instances dizzy and nauseated, and veryveryvery moody. I could barely carry a conversation with anyone, and could not mentally process anything anyone was saying to me that was more complex than "Hello".
After initially blaming it on post-concussive syndrome, and then ruling out almost every other medical problem (had many discussions with doctors as of late), I began to consider that it was PAWS rearing its ugly head. I'm happy to report that the "fog has lifted", at least for now and I'm feeling physically like a million bucks in comparison.
Emotionally there have been many subtle changes, and all for the better. I remember in my first few weeks I anxiously awaited some time in the future when I'd "feel better". That impatient anxiety for some intangible future was something I'd been carrying around years while drinking, and has slowly melted away into a more relaxed state of being that isn't so worried any more. I feel much more confident in handling my every day responsibilities and plans for future goals without feeling completely overwhelmed like I used to.
And hobbies? Holy cow, it's amazing the wonders that sobriety does to revive old passions. I've been a guitar player almost my entire life (play for myself, mostly, not a performer), and for years I'd only ever feel like playing while drinking, and then I'd always play the same maudlin tunes over 'n over. I never had the patience to learn anything new or really build upon my playing skills. But now since I've stopped, I've been wailing away and learned songs that I've always wanted to learn but never thought I could, and my playing as improved dramatically. Most importantly, I've re-discovered my love for the music and no longer associate the guitar with booze.
I'm thinking of rewarding myself with buying a (almost) new Fender Stratocaster.
I also began taking karate lessons. I took lessons when I was a kid but somewhere along the way lost interest. About a month ago I walked right back into my old dojo and signed back up - 20 years later. I'm having a blast and finding newfound confidence in my physical self.
I know I must be making everything sound like everything hunky-dory, that life has been easy and effortless without booze. As most of you hear can attest to, there have been many emotions coming to the surface that must be dealt with head-on, without the numbing effects of alcohol. It's a challenge, but one that I feel much more able to cope with than in the first few weeks of sobriety. As time goes by I feel I'm healing, even if it's in tiny increments that may take some perspective and reflection to realize and identify.
Anyhoo. Thanks for reading my rabble. If it can give any kind of hope to some newcomers, than I'd be pleased as punch.
I don't know my exact sobriety date, but I believe I'm at a bit over 2 months. It feels as though it's been a lot longer, and I don't mean that in any kind of negative way, like I'm itching to get back to drinking.
This is the longest I've been sober for almost 15 years.
There was a period of a few weeks starting just before the holidays and ending a few days ago where I felt physically VERY crappy. I was very tired, foggy, in some instances dizzy and nauseated, and veryveryvery moody. I could barely carry a conversation with anyone, and could not mentally process anything anyone was saying to me that was more complex than "Hello".
After initially blaming it on post-concussive syndrome, and then ruling out almost every other medical problem (had many discussions with doctors as of late), I began to consider that it was PAWS rearing its ugly head. I'm happy to report that the "fog has lifted", at least for now and I'm feeling physically like a million bucks in comparison.
Emotionally there have been many subtle changes, and all for the better. I remember in my first few weeks I anxiously awaited some time in the future when I'd "feel better". That impatient anxiety for some intangible future was something I'd been carrying around years while drinking, and has slowly melted away into a more relaxed state of being that isn't so worried any more. I feel much more confident in handling my every day responsibilities and plans for future goals without feeling completely overwhelmed like I used to.
And hobbies? Holy cow, it's amazing the wonders that sobriety does to revive old passions. I've been a guitar player almost my entire life (play for myself, mostly, not a performer), and for years I'd only ever feel like playing while drinking, and then I'd always play the same maudlin tunes over 'n over. I never had the patience to learn anything new or really build upon my playing skills. But now since I've stopped, I've been wailing away and learned songs that I've always wanted to learn but never thought I could, and my playing as improved dramatically. Most importantly, I've re-discovered my love for the music and no longer associate the guitar with booze.
I'm thinking of rewarding myself with buying a (almost) new Fender Stratocaster.
I also began taking karate lessons. I took lessons when I was a kid but somewhere along the way lost interest. About a month ago I walked right back into my old dojo and signed back up - 20 years later. I'm having a blast and finding newfound confidence in my physical self.
I know I must be making everything sound like everything hunky-dory, that life has been easy and effortless without booze. As most of you hear can attest to, there have been many emotions coming to the surface that must be dealt with head-on, without the numbing effects of alcohol. It's a challenge, but one that I feel much more able to cope with than in the first few weeks of sobriety. As time goes by I feel I'm healing, even if it's in tiny increments that may take some perspective and reflection to realize and identify.
Anyhoo. Thanks for reading my rabble. If it can give any kind of hope to some newcomers, than I'd be pleased as punch.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 108
Sounds great!
Yes, things can turn around quite dramatically and quickly. I know what you mean about it feeling like longer than two months. When I was two months sober I felt like a new person, and could hardly remember the old one I used to be.
Give it a couple years and you will be even more amazed.
Yes, things can turn around quite dramatically and quickly. I know what you mean about it feeling like longer than two months. When I was two months sober I felt like a new person, and could hardly remember the old one I used to be.
Give it a couple years and you will be even more amazed.
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