Justfor1

Well I officially fell off the wagon. The truth is I don't care anymore. I hate myself and what I've become. I hate the things I do while under the influence of alcohol/drugs. I don't believe my life will ever improve and at some level, I'm preparing to die a alcohol/drug related death. My own mother is going to be kicking me out because I came home last night staggering around and broke an expensive table. Her stupid dog woke the house so everyone saw me in my intoxicated state. I cussed out my Uncle for being a freeloader. I've been homeless before and I continued to drink so I have no bottom. I was recently beat up while trying to buy dope and was taken to the hospital. I signed out AMA and think I should of got the pain meds because i'm in extreme pain right now. I think my nose is broke. I'm also in emotional pain & becoming unglued. I know AA and have been to treatment 7 times. I probably need to be medically detoxed as I have finally relapsed 100%. Drinking vodka 24/7.

Dee74

I'm sorry to read this J41.

Having been in that dark little spot I know there's a part of you that doesn't want this as your life and doesn't want to die.

Posting here is good, and I'd really continue to fan that little spark.
Reach out to all the avenues of help you can find.

Maybe it's time to look into some long term inpatient facilities?

D

Terminally Unique

Call the Salvation Army. They will make you work for your food and shelter, but if you can get in, they do provide long-term (6 months or so) rehabilitation. Certainly better than being on the streets.

Justfor1

What kind of food, terminally unique? Dee, you been a good friend to me online and you know how much of a struggle it is. I give my mom part of my food stamps for rent so I'm paying my way. I know I'll survive but Chicago winters are cold and I would prefer to be homeless in summer. I'm currently guzzling a pint of cheap vodka a day so I should prob need a professional detox.

SSIL75

Get some help

Dee74

Does it really matter what kind of food J41?
I think TU is right on the money with that suggestion.

Your mom will survive without you and your contribution, or she wouldn't be throwing you out...

I agree on the detox. You know where to go for those.

D

SaraMichelle

i think most of us have felt what you are feeling.....I know i have. i know how ashamed i have felt and hopeless and lost and pissed off at everything and everybody. i used to sit in my bathroom, trying to shoot up for hours, i would come out of the bathroom with litterally mutilated arms, from knuckle to armpit, even my legs and ankles....and then look down out my son. oh the shame. but oh how rejoceful to know you dont havew to live that way. and YOU dont have to live that way any more either, with the shame and guilt and fear. one day at a time, you know the drill right? Miracles do happen!

Terminally Unique

Call them and ask.

Salvation Army ARC - Illinois

chicory

Justfor1,
My son could be writing this. I wish he cared as much about his life as you do yours. If he had any money he would drink vodka non-stop. that stuff is evil, and killed my mom, and will probably get my son, unless he begins to care.

Please get the help that you want and need. I will pray for you, and I wish my son was writing on this forum. I would be filled with hope if he were reaching out as you are.

you can do it, you just have to want it. people do recover!

hugs
chicory

BP44

What kind of food????? Are you for real? And I don't ever recall hearing in someone's story," I was at the point of being homeless, but winter was approaching, and since I prefer to be homeless in summer, I postponed it until the following summer." What kind of FOOD? Really!!!!!!

artsoul

Hi Justfor1 -

Alcohol is putting you in this frame of mind of feeling ashamed and not caring about what happens to you. It sounds like you have nothing to lose by getting sober, true?

I looked up the Salvation Army program in Chicago (apparently it's the biggest treatment center in the region)I think they require a 6-month commitment - they give you room and board, counseling, etc.:
Harbor Light of Chicago : Harbor Light Chicago

Don't settle for the life of an alcoholic.

mikefreak

Feel for you, JF1. I've been oh SO close to living on the streets due to my alcoholism. At least you are ashamed of your condition- I had NO shame whatsover. But think of yourself give the SA a try. Winter's coming on, you know. It's easy to go to sleep in the snow & never get up- nearly happened to me. If 7 times in rehab didn't work, maybe no.8 will. Don't EVER stop trying to quit.

Justfor1

Thank you artsoul. I've been there and anot sure if i'm allowed back? I want to go to a good rehab like Hazleton or one of those fancy places. They have better facilities and I think I need one of those. I don't want a state funded place. The police told me they are tired of me & are no longer going to tolerate me???

ReadyAndAble

You're ashamed, you're terrifying your family, you're facing homelessness and quite possibly a slow and miserable death... but you're holding out for a fancy rehab with fine dining?

This is about survival—about digging in for the fight of your life. The police, the salvation army, the local hospital, and everyone else wants you to get sober. If you do too, then do whatever it takes. As bad as it is, it can get a whole lot worse in a hurry.

Terminally Unique

Since the Salvation Army actually makes people do some work, as opposed to lounging around all day, I have a feeling that their success rate is higher than that of the posh rehabs. SA also gets people ready to go back out into the real world, which is a problem with the latter.

jkdcgill03

I've become a true believer of "if enough people say it". SA is the best bet--you can do it---plenty of people on here have said go to SA--just do it---do it for yourself, family, and everyone that cares about you. Doesn't matter if it is state funded or insurance---the point is to get clean and stay clean----you can do it---

Terminally Unique

I do not consider myself Christian, not even a former Christian, so for me, to recommend SA is somewhat of a contradiction. Nevertheless, I personally know a family who has gone bankrupt on account of hefty rehab bills, only to have things finally work out with a "free" rehab joint. It should be of no surprise to anyone remotely familiar with Rational Recovery that I do not agree with the fleecing of addicts for money, but SA seems to me like a decent bet, and an option I might myself consider if circumstances warranted it. This is coming from a hardened, pathological atheist, who will, unequivocally and without a shadow of a doubt, die an honest atheist.

langkah

Sure, SA is a great place to sober up for a year if you have the ability to get along with people and the capacity to follow orders and meet curfews and standards.

J41, are you that kind of person?

iliveforyou

There is such pain in your post and I have been there more times than I can count. I remember being homeless on the streets on Detroit trying to hustle to feed my addiction to heroin and crack. It is a terrible place to be. I've been hospitalized more times than I can count for underlying dual diagnosis.

There are some good ideas on here. I am now living in Chicago myself and have been to rehab twice here. Do you have any kind of insurance? SA is solid option, I would not rule it out. The alcoholic mind will do everything and anything to decieve and manipulate you as you already know.

I know all the feelings of being ashamed, the guilt, the hopelessness, and completely losing it inside my mind, the insanity of being trapped in a suffocating addiction. You need to be ready to do EVERYTHING you have to, to get on the path of recovery. You do deserve this but I know you might not feel that way at all right now. You must want recovery 110% for yourself and only yourself.

I wish you the best, if you have insurance there will be more options for you. Even if you do not, there are resources here in the city of Chicago that can help you.

This is a fight for your life here. There is nothing easy about it, that is for sure.

-Jess

24hrsAday

i don't understand why you would be worrying about WHERE you get the help you need to save your life Just. your situation sounds serious to me.