OceanSize

I'm so angry today. I am angry at my ex for abandoning me and not loving me. I am angry at the world because I am knee deep in self pity. I'm angry at anyone who needs or expects anything from me. I'm angry at myself because I basically just wish i was dead (but am not suicidal).

I wish i wasn't feeling this way. I wish my bf loved me. I wish I wasn't left to pick up so many pieces. I wish I was normal and could just go have a glass of wine.

I wish i was someone else, anyone but me, anywhere but here.

help! I feel like poop and i am stuck in my stupid little head. I don't want to drink today, i don't want to use any drugs. I just want to feel good, confident, and have love in my life. I want to give love and receive it. I want to yell at my ex. I want all these things and i know i'm selfish and egotistical.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I'm really sad.

doggonecarl

As you have figured out, anger can be a recovery killer. Gratitude strengthens recovery.

What are you grateful for? Maybe if you made a list of the things you are thankful for, it might balance out your "Angry at..." list.

Just a thought.

quitforme79

I am so angry today too Oceansize! I could've written this post as mine is mostly directed at my ex bf as well. I was short with some people at work today and I am NEVER like that. I do want to drink tonight...it's day 9 and I really haven't had a craving so strong until now. I want to numb numb numb away. Instead, I am going to the gym to run while listening to some pissed off music. I hope you are feeling better...we can get thru this sober.

OceanSize

I'm hanging out with a friend in the hospital (a sober friend)

She is having a blood transfusion

Being of service to her is helping


(writing this from my phone, pardon the short nature of this post)

I still do feel bad

Secretly I wish I was sick and in a hospital

I don't feel good today and it sucks

Will make a gratitude list after writing this post

quitforme79

You are a great friend and even though you still feel bad, you aren't using any negative coping skills I say everyday that I am grateful for one thing and today that is my ability to run with two working legs. Sounds a little extreme but I work in a profession in which I see those who are much less fortunate. Kudos to you and I hope you feel better soon.

LotusBlossom

Anger is a step in the grieving process too, don't forget that. A very important one at that.

OceanSize

i appreciate it - but...how...to....deal....with...it

i can't figure out the difference between grief and self pity just yet. i'm sick of grief. but i feel it right now.

ReadyAndAble

I find that examining my emotions—and actually thinking about the physical effect on me, like whether I'm clenching my teeth or tense in my neck—helps me to sort of detach from them, view them as something apart from me that's just passing through. If I can take a deep breath and relax on a physical level, it somehow lowers the intensity of the emotion itself.

I also agree with the others that gratitude is a powerful antidote for resentment.

And when all else fails, I just remind myself to focus my energies on the things I can actually control. Which tends to simplify things considerably, since there are very few things I can actually control...

newby1961

I know for me I was angry as all git but I dealt w/it in crazy different ways. Sometimes I would blare my radio in my car and fly down the highway screaming. I have gone into the woods and beat a rock w/a stick or my pillow. Calmers ways were I vented like you are, I wrote in my journal. I went to meetings.

I just have to remember that my disease loves to grab a hold of anger because then it can tell me its ok to drink/use.

I heard in a meeting once that me dwelling in anger & resentments is like me taking poison expecting the other person to die. See they are going on with their own life not a care in the world and me its consuming my soul.

Gratitude lists are a real great way to let go and working w/others helps to. Try to remember your not going to feel this way forever unless you choose to pick up over it. Like they told me this too shall pass.

ForeverDecember

I'm glad to hear from you Ocean, I was away a few days - how is your cat going?

Sorry to hear that you're angry, but I'm glad you're staying sober and working through your feelings.

LotusBlossom

http://www.arlenetaylor.org/grief-recovery-pyramid

If you scroll down to the table where it lists out in table form, Stage 1-3, Shock, Distress, Acceptance it gives you symptoms of each phase.
As someone said in this thread, I move pretty quickly (depending on the situation/event of course) past stage 1 and into stage 2. My disease does grab onto anger, crying, and confusion for the most part. Some of the other things mentioned may come out but those are my main traits.

Her suggestions are good ones and ones that you are following. But, may I say one thing. And I do believe that this may be our disease coming into play here (or traits of it). Give yourself time. For any human, this is the biggest time of healing. It isn't instant. It hasn't been 2 weeks since your kitty went over the rainbow bridge, right OS? And then to have all of this other stuff happen too? It would send anyone into a tailspin. Be gentle with yourself. Allow the feelings to wash over you.

At the same time, I do think following the advice of everyone here is a good one. Don't neglect those still in your life. Give your other kitty lots of love, the gratitude list, and if you live near a wooded area or some water, I think some meditation time would be a great healing tool for you right now.

I've seen the basic form of this pyramid around since high school and I know it was around before that. It's a tool they teach people who are in nursing home settings as well (which I worked in for 3 years). It is well accepted. Don't cheat yourself your grieving process trying to rush through it. I personally think that's our disease wanting instant gratification (my opinion). It is a fine line between allowing ourselves to get stuck in a rut, yes. You're no where near that, in my humble opinion.

*hugs*

NYCDoglvr

We all feel anger and defeat from time to time and getting used to having these feelings without drugs and alcohol is the hard part of recovery. But you're reaching out to others which is an important part of getting through this trying time.

I don't know if all alcoholics are this way but when I get into a bad space it's easy to believe life will always be like that, that life is terrible, etc. What I've learned is that bad and good moods pass. Most of all, I get to a meeting and talk to a newcomer, which brings me out of my self-involved misery.

Lionne

I Hi Oceansize, please don't beat yourself up additionally because you have feelings, because you are human. It's so easy for us to judge ourselves for "being weak" whnen in fact, it's normal to feel bad and to be hurt. It takes time and somtimes there is no way other than to endure these feelings sober- and they stil go away.
Self-criticism for feeling is just making you feel worse and potentially gives your addiction more fuel. It's o.k. not to have a perfectly calm and balanced reaction to rough times. Be loving and accepting to yourself, even if you are angry right now.
(((Hugs))) Lionne