Forwards

Dear SR friends,

I'm afraid I'm not doing very well here but would humbly welcome any advice you could offer. Simply put, I'm facing a grim reality that I just can't seem to take in.

Following a hospital visit caused by severe gastritis I achieved a successful period of abstinence, though not apparently recovery. Eventually I drank again and triggered an attack of what I assume to be pancreatitis. That hurt... Since then I've had diagnoses of fatty liver and oesophagitis as well.

My anxiety has been off the scale and I simply have not found a positive 'hook' on which to hang another attempt at sobriety. I don't want to face a future of painful poor health. Neither though do I wish to die a drunken failure at the age of 34.

Up until this summer I'd not seen a doctor for 13 years. My fear of all things medical has compounded the problem. I have actually found myself lying to the hospital consultants involved. Why? I just wanted to escape and spend one more night in my own bed. As a result, the docs think I'm wasting their time.

So where's AA in all of this? Simply put I have been dishonest with them too. I've been known to head straight out of a meeting and in to the pub. To paraphrase the BB, 'some men are incapable of honesty, for them there is little hope'. Likewise, I found myself misleading my SMART councillor and no longer attend.

I have a good family and have tried to be honest with them. I fear they are understandably in denial though.

Is there any hope for me please? There's a lunch time meeting today in a nearby town, so I guess this would be a start.

Aegian

There is always hope. You need to start by being honest with yourself.

Hooped

Yes, there certainly is hope for you.
This could be how it starts for you rather than ends.
Choose life my friend.
You deserve it, and you can.

Jeff63

Shame, embarrassment, whatever you call it will not serve you when you do collapse and your family calls 911. A lot of good people on this board confronted the reality that they were sick and needed help. When this happens, people tend to be honest so that they can get a diagnosis that's accurate. You did nothing wrong, you're just sick. Go to a new doctor where you can have a fresh start and be totally honest with them. They can even help with treatment.

If your child were sick or gravely ill, would you lie to the doctor about their condition? Or would you fight for all you are worth to save them? We both know the answer here. So why don't you fight for your own life?

I have been where you are, and I suspect a lot of others have as well. You seem very intelligent by the composition of your post so I believe you already realize what I am telling you. Seek the help you need for your disease (notice I said your disease), be honest with the doctor so you can see the big picture and hopefully recover. Fight for what's yours and especially for your life. Do it for yourself and for your family.

P.S. My mother died of pancreatic cancer and she was a life long alcoholic. It wasn't pretty.

SideStep

Your story sounds very similar to mine, which I posted about not too long ago. So I feel your pain and from experience I can tell you it does get better.

Were you diagnosed with Pancreatitis, or just had some pain in your abdomen and assumed that's what it was?

Either way, Pancreatitis is bad news. I had it in March and haven't touched alcohol since.
You need to be honest. The first thing I told the Paramedics was that I was an alcoholic, which helped them diagnose Pancreatitis.

"A future of painful poor health" sounds like a pretty good reason to give sobriety a decent run.

Are those few hours of false happiness you feel after a few drinks really worth a life of hospital visits and anxiety?? The anxiety will ease after a few months of sobriety, and your general health and mental well-being will improve.

Hang in there mate, it isn't easy, but it sure is worth it.

least

Only if you let it end this way. If you're at the bottom, stop digging. Start working on your life and your recovery. I felt hopeless for a long time but once I was sober for a while I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel - and it wasn't an oncoming train either.

If doesn't have to end this way. It can get better if you really want it to.

bellakeller

You won't have a future of poor painful health; you're reality is that your poor painful health is happening now and that's no way to live. Especially at age 34.

You don't have to live this way. You can stop digging right now. Take it one day at a time. Put your life in the arms of those who have gotten sober before in AA for a little while. They have been where you are and can help guide you if you reach out and take the help.

Sudz No More

It's time to quit Forwards and you know that. Time to forget shame and blame and man up to consequences of the actions most of us here have done to ourselves.

If you can't do it alone then it is time to be "honest" with yourself and get help. Good luck, you can do it.

keithj

When I was hopeless, I was forced to do what the others in AA had done to recover from alcoholism. That was the 12 Steps of AA, as directed by the BB and a sponsor who was some experience and knowledge about the process.

I started the Steps on the first day I did not drink, and I've never had a drink since.

SSIL75

It's not hopeless.

honeypie

This.

And your avatar = Forwards.

You are not alone.

LoftyIdeals

Your honesty has started with your post here. Thank you for it. Now, just take the advice and start over today. Forgive yourself and ask God for forgiveness. And surrender to the AA steps. You cN find the peace you seek with those small measures. I hope you will.

Primrose

While I was drinking I had anxiety that would literally make me unable to function. Now that I am almost at 2 months, most of the anixiety I have is gone, and when I do feel anxious it is only minimal. So I can honestly say that the drinking was causing my anxiety to skyrocket. I beleive acceptance that there is a problem is key. Drinking will only make your health problems worse. You deserve to live a happy, healthy, sober life. Best wishes to you.

NYCDoglvr

You can stop lying if you choose to.

Perhaps some people can get sober alone but this alcoholic couldn't have gotten sober on my own. AA saved my life. But you must be honest.

Lionne

There is hope, and you are not a lost cause. Be honest with yourself, and that honesty means also accepting that your situation has gotten pretty bad. But once you completely accept that, with all its consequences, you can start from there and change your life and get better. What's the point in being dishonest with others if deep down you know the truth, and you can't fool yourself? Getting sober is not about getting the approval of others, or how well or bad they think you are doing. I understand that you might be afraid that you could be judged if you slip, but so, so many people that quit know from their own experiences how hard this can be, so I'm sure you won't lose their support. It's not hopeless, and you can do this.

Dee74

When I was drinking myself to death, I would often think - is this how it ends?
I know now that it's not

But it's up to you Forwards - where you end up depends on which direction you start walking now.

A lot of my lying (and I did a lot) was fear.
To recover I had to make a leap of faith and put my trust in others to help and guide me.

Do it. It's never too late IMO

Make some good choices, give it your all, and I promise you - you won't regret it

D

switchboard

"... facing a grim reality ..."
"... a future of painful poor health."

Your reality doesn't have to be grim .. and your future health doesn't have to be painful or poor. Try not to base your actions on maybes and assumptions.

You, fortunately, have a heads-up on what's happening with your body right now .. and, fortunately, you're only 34 .... You just need a plan from where to go from here. Give yourself a healthy, happy future. It's OK to be afraid of the unknown .. most of us are. But what I have found is that "finding out" or "dealing with" isn't as scary once you are there doing it or living it. Make your unknowns 'known' .. and a lot of the fear just might disappear ... and you'll feel "hope" in place of it.

Hope is a wonderful feeling! .... Make a plan. If you fail, learn and start again. You can do this.

BennyHill

Hi Forwards.
This does not have to be how it ends. You can recover and be healthy again, if you so choose. It's up to you, mate.
Go to a meeting, be honest and ASK for help, from the group and whatever Higher Power you believe in. If you have to, ask everyone in the room to help you.
And start being honest with everyone, starting with yourself and including your family and doctors.
Don't be the person laying on the ground, dead or dying from alcoholism.
No 999 calls about you! You get healthy, please!

Look at all the advice so many people gave you! There is hope!

Anna

Forwards, I hope you find the motivation to stop drinking for good.

LaFemme

Hi Forwards!

For 5 years starting at age 32 I tried to quit. I remember reading about how to quit while I was drinking and I felt everyone had the ability to get sober with the exception of myself. I was 100% certain I could not do it.

I now have 16 happy and healthy months. When I drank I hated it when people said "if I cam do it anyone can" but there is truth in that statement. If i can do it so can you.

Xo, tina