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Is this how it ends for me?

Old 11-05-2011, 11:50 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I lied from personal preference and habit, and would often practice in the mirror to perfect my abilities.

I also went to AA and other things when the heat was on but I didn't want to stop drinking. I'd go just for appearances and to get people off my back until it was safe to drink again, never really connecting or committed.

So I was using AA to drink and receive less agitation from those around me who would be fooled by it. Did that for years and would tell people AA didn't work for me, though I tried mightily and repeatedly and just really heroically, and how sad it was that AA failed to live up to it's promises in my case.

After some years I got sick of myself and living like an immature trickster loser, misusing people I was supposed to care about and any strangers that came along I could get something from and connected with a sober AA that was willing to give me his time.

He took me through the steps because someone had helped him, and I've not drank or drugged since.

What a surprise. Doing all the old stuff that people said works worked when not doing the stuff that works didn't work. You'd have thought I could have put that one together within a few years of occasionally hearing it plainly said in meetings.

Guess part of my error was thinking that I was very special and the sober people were not special in the special way that I was special.

I'm soon to start my 4th sober decade because they weren't kidding about this working well.

Hope you do the stuff, no pity from me if you don't.
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Old 11-06-2011, 01:39 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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When I realized I had to fully commit to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and stop fighting the fact that I am a real alcoholic is when I started to feel the relief I had been looking for in the bottle.
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Old 11-06-2011, 01:04 AM
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Originally Posted by langkah View Post
I'm soon to start my 4th sober decade...
Wow, langkah. That's amazing. I hope you'll stick around and keep posting here. "I'm soon to start my 4th sober decade." You could just keep posting that. It's truly an inspiration.
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Old 11-06-2011, 04:19 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Thank you all for your responses. I'm told miracles happen in AA so here's hoping. It's another beautiful sunny morning here and for that I'm grateful.

So, it's time to get honest. I recognise my 'it's all or nothing' petulant behavior all too well. In the past it has lost me friends, jobs and countless opportunities. Now it could cost me my life. The thought that the time spent in AA has just been a veneer to justfify my drinking is horrible. It had occured to me that this might be the case and maybe that is so.

At this point in time I'm exhausted. I don't want to make the effort to get sober but know I must take action. I'll pack up the car tomorrow and stay with my parents for a few weeks. I never drink when I'm with them. Maybe that will give me one last chance.

Thanks again.

Forwards.
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Old 11-06-2011, 08:01 AM
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It takes a real leap of faith, forwards. I had to really take alcohol off the list of possibilities, forever.
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:21 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Right, so the car is packed and fuelled and I'm safe to drive. Here goes the bravest thing I will ever have to do. Return to my family, remain totally abstinent from alcohol and see what happens. If I start to waste away I have pancreatitis, if not maybe I'll be OK. I'll take some digital scales - I'm a scientist after all and it will be interesting to watch.

I haven't now had a decent nights sleep for 3 months with the kaleidoscope of pains. They get worse at night, particularly when I try to sober up. This is not going to be fun. I refuse to give in to self-pity - it's just a matter of retaining some degree of sanity and composure throughout.

Please guys, don't make the same mistakes as me. YOU NEVER KNOW when these things are going to strike. Please don't take the risk. I thought I could hedge my bets, manage my intake, do things my way despite all external advice and indeed my own documented experience. Talk about Step 1... I honestly thought I'd understood this earlier this year - cunning, baffling, powerful indeed. My recent drinking has been driven by absolute fear.

Anyway, it's not all bad. I'm still walking, still have my freedom and I'll see my young sister and Mum and Dad who love me very much. For that I am grateful.

Wish me luck.

Forwards - Son, Brother, Scientist, Entrepreneur, Alcoholic.
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:40 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Forwards. I hope it works out for you and you can find peace.
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Old 11-08-2011, 04:38 AM
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I can relate a lot to what you mentioned about fear of all things medical, I often tried to rationalise what I was feeling internally as just being under the weather so I wouldn't have to go to the doctor and be told I was killing myself was booze. Man what a downer doctors are, it was just soooo much easier to sit and drink myself drunk and not have to care. Fourwards really highlights how important it is to seek medical help, and not let things get worse. Though sobriety is a tough battle where anyone can slip up, it is the gnawing knowledge that you are doing something very wrong to your body that will keep you coming back.

I hope you'll continue to do well with you sobriety Fourward, wishing you good health and good times!
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Old 11-08-2011, 05:50 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I wish you the absolute best Forwards. You are taking steps in the right direction. Don't forget your motivation(s) for staying sober.
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:25 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Alcoholism is genetic; it is in your DNA. It's not your fault you're an alcoholic and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Start there and work on staying healthy and sober.
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:47 PM
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good wishes to you Forwards that you be able to do what needs doing

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Old 11-11-2011, 06:38 AM
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OK, so I arrived safely at my parent's place. I called the local doctors yesterday just in case I needed them and that seems OK.

I'm not in a good way though. Chest pains, stomach pains, liver pains, you name it. I'm now terrified that an incredibly painful episode of heartburn I had a couple of weeks ago after another binge might have been an oesophageal tear. After this length of time it's only 10% survivable even with treatment.

Yesterday my Mum drove me to the beach and I just sat on a rock and cried. In the evening I begged my parents for their forgiveness. I sat with my sister and we discussed all the fun times of the past. Dear God, please give me a future.

I can't believe I'm writing this. This cannot be real.

Forwards.
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Old 11-11-2011, 07:18 AM
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If your symptoms are that bad, you should be on the phone with a doctor or in the hospital Forwards. Much love from across the pond.
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Old 11-11-2011, 02:11 PM
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I agree. Please see your Dr and put your fears to rest Forwards.

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