difficult breakup, cat death, the L in HALT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
difficult breakup, cat death, the L in HALT
Hi...
this is me right now:
I'm extremely lonely today and feeling a lot of intense self hatred. I am not going to hurt myself but I do wish i was dead - and i believe thoughts like these are the same as alcoholic thoughts. I'm writing here and also going to a meeting in about 20 minutes.
I was broken up with by my boyfriend of 2.5 years in a really painful way. He basically just stopped talking to me and left me to figure it out on my own. Finally after 4 weeks his best friend told me the news. I was under the impression we were having problems, but i did not know the breakup boundary had been decided.
In the interim my cat passed, and I had to put her to sleep. Without knowing he had moved on, i invited the guy who i thought was my boyfriend (albeit a strained relationship) to help me with it. Had I known he had moved on, I may not have made that choice. He definitely showed up in a big way, but now that moment has lost so much meaning. Or maybe it hasn't. But it definitely confused the situation.
Yesterday, by way of a third party, i learned the truth. I wrote to the now-ex to tell him i was told by someone else that we are broken up and he replied with an ice cold email, complete with my name and a colon. like this -
anyway, now my Other cat (he's 15) is incredibly depressed. i should add that a kitten was given to me by a friend, so i have one of those, and my older cat, who lost his best friend, has stopped eating. He isn't moving much.
i've called the veterinarian. I'm so concerned and lonely. I'm tired too.
I am L & T of HALT.
Any suggestions? It hurts deeply. This is a ton of grief and i don't know what to do with it other than to isolate and feel horrible.
this is me right now:
I'm extremely lonely today and feeling a lot of intense self hatred. I am not going to hurt myself but I do wish i was dead - and i believe thoughts like these are the same as alcoholic thoughts. I'm writing here and also going to a meeting in about 20 minutes.
I was broken up with by my boyfriend of 2.5 years in a really painful way. He basically just stopped talking to me and left me to figure it out on my own. Finally after 4 weeks his best friend told me the news. I was under the impression we were having problems, but i did not know the breakup boundary had been decided.
In the interim my cat passed, and I had to put her to sleep. Without knowing he had moved on, i invited the guy who i thought was my boyfriend (albeit a strained relationship) to help me with it. Had I known he had moved on, I may not have made that choice. He definitely showed up in a big way, but now that moment has lost so much meaning. Or maybe it hasn't. But it definitely confused the situation.
Yesterday, by way of a third party, i learned the truth. I wrote to the now-ex to tell him i was told by someone else that we are broken up and he replied with an ice cold email, complete with my name and a colon. like this -
Ocean Size:
(insert his painful words)anyway, now my Other cat (he's 15) is incredibly depressed. i should add that a kitten was given to me by a friend, so i have one of those, and my older cat, who lost his best friend, has stopped eating. He isn't moving much.
i've called the veterinarian. I'm so concerned and lonely. I'm tired too.
I am L & T of HALT.
Any suggestions? It hurts deeply. This is a ton of grief and i don't know what to do with it other than to isolate and feel horrible.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm so very sorry to read of your pain. I hope you feel better and take some solace from the kitten.
as for the "boyfriend"? what a coward! He did not have the cajones to talk to you himself, it's a terrible way to treat someone and run away like a skunk. I know you feel terrible, but try to look at his actions objectively. What kind of person acts like that?
as for the "boyfriend"? what a coward! He did not have the cajones to talk to you himself, it's a terrible way to treat someone and run away like a skunk. I know you feel terrible, but try to look at his actions objectively. What kind of person acts like that?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 638
I'm sorry that you are going thru all of this at once. I know how tempting it is to drink but it will just make things worse. I am going some similar things, try talking with friends and continue posting on here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Ocean))) - I'm so sorry you're going through all this. The now ex was a coward and I can't really type what I think of him as it would just end up as ****.
As far as your cat, I know our furbabies grieve. My Elvis cat got sick a couple years ago, I snuggled with him and gave him water with a syringe (the vet's office can give you one)..just a little bit at a time. I had no idea he had FIV and leukemia, until later (didn't have the money to take him to a vet) but she told me I saved his life with the water..they can do without food, but not water.
I know that doesn't help with the L & T, but maybe you and your furbaby can get lots of snuggling in and work through the grief together.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
As far as your cat, I know our furbabies grieve. My Elvis cat got sick a couple years ago, I snuggled with him and gave him water with a syringe (the vet's office can give you one)..just a little bit at a time. I had no idea he had FIV and leukemia, until later (didn't have the money to take him to a vet) but she told me I saved his life with the water..they can do without food, but not water.
I know that doesn't help with the L & T, but maybe you and your furbaby can get lots of snuggling in and work through the grief together.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I never was able to pull of "making myself" not hungry, not angry, not lonely, and not tired. Don't get me wrong......lol.......I know how to eat........but (imagine this), I tend to over-do it from time to time. LOL.
Sometimes, like it or not.....you're just going to be every one of those letters. My experience has been.....and I've been in every one of those letters......often for extended periods.......is that there are fabulous opportunities to learn WHILE SITTING IN THEM.
Ya see......my mission was and always has been to get OUT of feeling badly....to escape anything I don't "like" - imagine that, they told me in AA selfishness and selfcenteredness was the root of my problem - lol. Historically, I'll do ANYTHING to get out of feeling bad.....including drink/drug/run/attack/hide/etc...... all old tools and old behaviors.
New tools and new behaviors, for me, include not running from that stuff anymore, NOT looking for a way out and knowing.........with 100% assuredness.......that I can go through it and even sit in it for a while......do some digging.......find a lot of gold.........and move on out after I've done my work.........all from a position of 100% safety.
So.....my "advice" is welcome that feeling, sit in it and get to work. Welcome the pain and embrace it.......it's providing a fabulous opportunity to you. Be glad you're in it and recognize that you're now in a position to do some REAL learning about yourself, your life, how you operate, and a bunch of other stuff......... all things you wouldn't have considered looking for had you not run into this "depression." Hell......I've probably done MOST of my best "learning" and had most of my big awakenings on the heels of doing work while in a funk........and it was all work I wouldn't have done had I NOT been in the funk to begin with.
AA has some steps and some specific suggestions that deal with this sort of thing too......maybe that's another avenue to consider.
Sometimes, like it or not.....you're just going to be every one of those letters. My experience has been.....and I've been in every one of those letters......often for extended periods.......is that there are fabulous opportunities to learn WHILE SITTING IN THEM.
Ya see......my mission was and always has been to get OUT of feeling badly....to escape anything I don't "like" - imagine that, they told me in AA selfishness and selfcenteredness was the root of my problem - lol. Historically, I'll do ANYTHING to get out of feeling bad.....including drink/drug/run/attack/hide/etc...... all old tools and old behaviors.
New tools and new behaviors, for me, include not running from that stuff anymore, NOT looking for a way out and knowing.........with 100% assuredness.......that I can go through it and even sit in it for a while......do some digging.......find a lot of gold.........and move on out after I've done my work.........all from a position of 100% safety.
So.....my "advice" is welcome that feeling, sit in it and get to work. Welcome the pain and embrace it.......it's providing a fabulous opportunity to you. Be glad you're in it and recognize that you're now in a position to do some REAL learning about yourself, your life, how you operate, and a bunch of other stuff......... all things you wouldn't have considered looking for had you not run into this "depression." Hell......I've probably done MOST of my best "learning" and had most of my big awakenings on the heels of doing work while in a funk........and it was all work I wouldn't have done had I NOT been in the funk to begin with.
AA has some steps and some specific suggestions that deal with this sort of thing too......maybe that's another avenue to consider.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
I am so sorry you're going thru so much pain. :ghug3 I know what it's like to lose a beloved pet - it's awful.
Give your other cat as much love as you can, it might be what saves him. I'd suggest counseling too, just to have a safe place to vent your feelings and get some useful feedback. Take good care of yourself and your kitties.
Give your other cat as much love as you can, it might be what saves him. I'd suggest counseling too, just to have a safe place to vent your feelings and get some useful feedback. Take good care of yourself and your kitties. Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 191
Oh, geez, I'm so sorry about the jerk exbf and your sweet cats. So many things at once, but you can handle it. It's OK to feel pretty darn miserable. All you got to do is not drink, which probably wouldn't make you feel all that much better anyway.
Hope the vet replies with some helpful information.
Hope the vet replies with some helpful information.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 482
That really sucks Ocean, I'm sorry to read this Our furbabies are our family, and then coupled with such a miserable action from your ex I can only imagine the turmoil you must be feeling.
You're being really strong though, especially posting about this and going to the meeting. It's so great that you're acknowledging your feelings, and know that they are only temporary.
I hope your older cat perks up soon. My thoughts are with you, keep us updated, and stay well.
Our furbabies are our family, and then coupled with such a miserable action from your ex I can only imagine the turmoil you must be feeling.You're being really strong though, especially posting about this and going to the meeting. It's so great that you're acknowledging your feelings, and know that they are only temporary.
I hope your older cat perks up soon. My thoughts are with you, keep us updated, and stay well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
you are all so incredibly kind - thanks for the replies. Every single reply is helpful. DayTrader thank you thank you thank you. I'm working the steps, with a sponsor, and am headed to my 2nd AA meeting of the day in about ten minutes.
I struggle with the outlook of opportunity, but I know it is true; all of this is a kind of opportunity.
Checking in about my cat who had to go to the vet today: when we got there he had a fever. He was given fluids and an antibiotic as a shot. Tomorrow morning i will get the results of his blood tests. The dr. told me "i hope he eats tonight, try to get him to eat, tempt him" - so I have tried. He still isn't eating, not even his favorite treat. It's extremely hard to be here right now. I want him to eat. i keep asking myself why he isn't eating. I keep blaming myself. I'm spiraling.
I don't want to lose him, too.
As for the ex-bf, I know it's for the better, but the grief, again, is feeling like a big ball of pressure.
DayTrader you are right, sitting in these feelings, working the steps all of this is an opportunity.
I'd write more but i'm about to get picked up for an AA meeting. When it's done i'll be back here on SR.
I am so so so so grateful for SR and all of you. I really can't find words. I'll be back in about an hour....
I struggle with the outlook of opportunity, but I know it is true; all of this is a kind of opportunity.
Checking in about my cat who had to go to the vet today: when we got there he had a fever. He was given fluids and an antibiotic as a shot. Tomorrow morning i will get the results of his blood tests. The dr. told me "i hope he eats tonight, try to get him to eat, tempt him" - so I have tried. He still isn't eating, not even his favorite treat. It's extremely hard to be here right now. I want him to eat. i keep asking myself why he isn't eating. I keep blaming myself. I'm spiraling.
I don't want to lose him, too.
As for the ex-bf, I know it's for the better, but the grief, again, is feeling like a big ball of pressure.
DayTrader you are right, sitting in these feelings, working the steps all of this is an opportunity.
I'd write more but i'm about to get picked up for an AA meeting. When it's done i'll be back here on SR.
I am so so so so grateful for SR and all of you. I really can't find words. I'll be back in about an hour....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 191
I know you know this (and I understand your feelings -- been there), but it's not remotely your fault that your cat's not eating. He's sad, he misses his buddy and he might be sick. I'm hoping he'll come around and start eating tomorrow. If not, there are things they can do -- one of my cats had to be forcefed for a while when sick. It sucked, but it also kept her alive until she felt like eating again. That was 3+ years ago, and she's sitting by me right now.
Keep us posted on how things turn out.
Keep us posted on how things turn out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
I'm sorry, OS. Though honestly, I'm more sorry about your cats than the ex. I totally get the name-colon combo—that would have hit me right between the eyes. And he wrote that after he knew you had heard the news from someone else? You can do better. You deserve better.
As for your grief and worry.... I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. I actually thought of you yesterday; I was leaving the grocery store, and as I was walking out I got a wave of pain thinking about how my dog used to wait for me in the car during my Wednesday night grocery runs. It's been almost two months since I had to put him down, and I'm still coming to terms with it. My cat still misses him too, I can tell. Anyway, that made me think of you and your older cat, because of your previous post.
It hurts, but it does get better. It's silly but I feel like I owe it to my old buddy to stay on track.
As for your grief and worry.... I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. I actually thought of you yesterday; I was leaving the grocery store, and as I was walking out I got a wave of pain thinking about how my dog used to wait for me in the car during my Wednesday night grocery runs. It's been almost two months since I had to put him down, and I'm still coming to terms with it. My cat still misses him too, I can tell. Anyway, that made me think of you and your older cat, because of your previous post.
It hurts, but it does get better. It's silly but I feel like I owe it to my old buddy to stay on track.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
you are all so incredibly kind - thanks for the replies. Every single reply is helpful. DayTrader thank you thank you thank you. I'm working the steps, with a sponsor, and am headed to my 2nd AA meeting of the day in about ten minutes.
I struggle with the outlook of opportunity, but I know it is true; all of this is a kind of opportunity.
Checking in about my cat who had to go to the vet today: when we got there he had a fever. He was given fluids and an antibiotic as a shot. Tomorrow morning i will get the results of his blood tests. The dr. told me "i hope he eats tonight, try to get him to eat, tempt him" - so I have tried. He still isn't eating, not even his favorite treat. It's extremely hard to be here right now. I want him to eat. i keep asking myself why he isn't eating. I keep blaming myself. I'm spiraling.
I don't want to lose him, too.
As for the ex-bf, I know it's for the better, but the grief, again, is feeling like a big ball of pressure.
DayTrader you are right, sitting in these feelings, working the steps all of this is an opportunity.
I'd write more but i'm about to get picked up for an AA meeting. When it's done i'll be back here on SR.
I am so so so so grateful for SR and all of you. I really can't find words. I'll be back in about an hour....
I struggle with the outlook of opportunity, but I know it is true; all of this is a kind of opportunity.
Checking in about my cat who had to go to the vet today: when we got there he had a fever. He was given fluids and an antibiotic as a shot. Tomorrow morning i will get the results of his blood tests. The dr. told me "i hope he eats tonight, try to get him to eat, tempt him" - so I have tried. He still isn't eating, not even his favorite treat. It's extremely hard to be here right now. I want him to eat. i keep asking myself why he isn't eating. I keep blaming myself. I'm spiraling.
I don't want to lose him, too.
As for the ex-bf, I know it's for the better, but the grief, again, is feeling like a big ball of pressure.
DayTrader you are right, sitting in these feelings, working the steps all of this is an opportunity.
I'd write more but i'm about to get picked up for an AA meeting. When it's done i'll be back here on SR.
I am so so so so grateful for SR and all of you. I really can't find words. I'll be back in about an hour....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
just got back from a meeting. i have to brush teeth etc but wanted to post some good news real quick: cat is eating! i gave him some food when i returned from meeting, my disposition wayyyyy more positive. He refused food but i put a bit in his mouth....and he started to eat the rest! i love you all. more soon.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 482
Hurrah!!!! That is awesome news! I'm so glad!
I have ferrets (among plenty of other beasts lol) and they are prone to sickness. Most ferret owners have special "Duck Soup" which is for when their babies get sick - ferrets are really bad at eating when under the weather.
Look up "Ferret duck soup" and get a recipe, it might also encourage your boy to keep eating. It's basically chicken and kibble in soup form and you can freeze the servings in an ice cube tray to be used when needed.
Also, I've found with sick animals that they like to lick things off your fingers, so that works with the soup as well.
I have ferrets (among plenty of other beasts lol) and they are prone to sickness. Most ferret owners have special "Duck Soup" which is for when their babies get sick - ferrets are really bad at eating when under the weather.
Look up "Ferret duck soup" and get a recipe, it might also encourage your boy to keep eating. It's basically chicken and kibble in soup form and you can freeze the servings in an ice cube tray to be used when needed.
Also, I've found with sick animals that they like to lick things off your fingers, so that works with the soup as well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 11
Break Up
OceanSize I am in that space myself. The guy I have been seeing on and off for 8 years has moved on. He is seeing someone else but I still miss him. He is like another addiction. Yet, I have not had a drink nor have I had the urge in 4 months. He was my using buddy and I cannot be around him.
It hurts so bad so what can I do?
Pray, pray, go to meetings, see my therapist every week, call my sober friends, go to meetings, see my psychiatrist (I am surviving depression), pray, go to meetings, cry, read literature, go to meetings.
I will not die from a broken heart but if I drink, my soul will. If he is gone, it is not for me to understand, just accept. Remember, acceptance is the key.
Praying for you.
It hurts so bad so what can I do?
Pray, pray, go to meetings, see my therapist every week, call my sober friends, go to meetings, see my psychiatrist (I am surviving depression), pray, go to meetings, cry, read literature, go to meetings.
I will not die from a broken heart but if I drink, my soul will. If he is gone, it is not for me to understand, just accept. Remember, acceptance is the key.
Praying for you.
not little, a stranger no more
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Hi Oceansize,
Wow, it seems always to be like that in life , that there are several bad things happening all at once. Please know that this is just a moment in your life, not how the rest of your life will be. You are taking good care of yourself and your pets, and that's important.
I'm glad that your old cat is eating again. It's always sad to lose a pet, and yes, animals grieve too. I hope you and your pets feel better soon, and that your kitten and the old cat will be good friends.
I totally get how it feels if someone leaves you like that and you are pretty much blindsided by it. It hits so close to home. When I was in my early twenties, the same thing happened to me and i was devastated. the guy would flat out refuse to talk to me give me any explanation, and that's what hurt me the most. I felt like I was denied closure and it hurt that I wasn't apparently worth a last conversation. Heck, I even started blame it on myself and my percieved inadequacy. was unable to move on and it definately contributed to the escalation of my drinking (i'm not blaming the failed relationship, I was abusing alcohol before, but I used more alcohol to numb the pain).
Dear oceansize, please know this is not your fault that he decided to do things this way. A person who leaves you this way is probably unable to deal with the situation of breaking up like an adult and decided to go a pretty coward route of simply avoiding you. Breaking up is never easy for both of the people involved, but: Completely ceasing contact and just writing a cold and distant email is a sign that he just wants to avoid emotional accountability for the pain the breakup my cause you. This is not the way an emotionally mature person would act, and if someone breaks up that way rather then try to solve relationship problems together with you is another sign that maybe you will be better off this way, even if it's painful now.
Please allow yourself to grieve the relationship appropriately, and you're allowed to feel hurt and angry, and allow yourself to heal and move on. It's probably better not to contact him at all anymore during this time, because you will get just more hurtful responses or none at all. Spending more time on (sober) activities with friends and family or people from your support group can help against feeling lonely and isolated, and try to find some things that are good for your self-esteem. I really think that at some point you will meet someone who is the right person for you, and who can handle a relationship and the ups and downs of it in a more mutual and constructive way. Even without a romantic relationship, there is fulfillment and happiness.
It's hard and painful now, but that will not last all the time. He handled the breakup very badly, and it doesn't make you a less loveable and good person. Hugs, and take care,
Lionne
Wow, it seems always to be like that in life , that there are several bad things happening all at once. Please know that this is just a moment in your life, not how the rest of your life will be. You are taking good care of yourself and your pets, and that's important.
I'm glad that your old cat is eating again. It's always sad to lose a pet, and yes, animals grieve too. I hope you and your pets feel better soon, and that your kitten and the old cat will be good friends.
I totally get how it feels if someone leaves you like that and you are pretty much blindsided by it. It hits so close to home. When I was in my early twenties, the same thing happened to me and i was devastated. the guy would flat out refuse to talk to me give me any explanation, and that's what hurt me the most. I felt like I was denied closure and it hurt that I wasn't apparently worth a last conversation. Heck, I even started blame it on myself and my percieved inadequacy. was unable to move on and it definately contributed to the escalation of my drinking (i'm not blaming the failed relationship, I was abusing alcohol before, but I used more alcohol to numb the pain).
Dear oceansize, please know this is not your fault that he decided to do things this way. A person who leaves you this way is probably unable to deal with the situation of breaking up like an adult and decided to go a pretty coward route of simply avoiding you. Breaking up is never easy for both of the people involved, but: Completely ceasing contact and just writing a cold and distant email is a sign that he just wants to avoid emotional accountability for the pain the breakup my cause you. This is not the way an emotionally mature person would act, and if someone breaks up that way rather then try to solve relationship problems together with you is another sign that maybe you will be better off this way, even if it's painful now.
Please allow yourself to grieve the relationship appropriately, and you're allowed to feel hurt and angry, and allow yourself to heal and move on. It's probably better not to contact him at all anymore during this time, because you will get just more hurtful responses or none at all. Spending more time on (sober) activities with friends and family or people from your support group can help against feeling lonely and isolated, and try to find some things that are good for your self-esteem. I really think that at some point you will meet someone who is the right person for you, and who can handle a relationship and the ups and downs of it in a more mutual and constructive way. Even without a romantic relationship, there is fulfillment and happiness.
It's hard and painful now, but that will not last all the time. He handled the breakup very badly, and it doesn't make you a less loveable and good person. Hugs, and take care,
Lionne
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
I think you are on the right track, going to meetings and hopefully sharing -- for me the most helpful thing in times of grief was to remember that I am not unique, everyone has gone through difficult times, including my friends who have stayed sober through it all. I'm not special and I don't "deserve" a break from the grief by drinking.
My ex-husband left without a lot of explanation after we had been together for 13 years, married for 10. It's very painful, but you will get through it. I had to put my 18-year-old cat to sleep in May too, it was sad but the pain gets easier. It was only 6 months ago and now I'm just grateful she lived such a long and full life.
Hang in there, time heals all wounds.
GG
My ex-husband left without a lot of explanation after we had been together for 13 years, married for 10. It's very painful, but you will get through it. I had to put my 18-year-old cat to sleep in May too, it was sad but the pain gets easier. It was only 6 months ago and now I'm just grateful she lived such a long and full life.
Hang in there, time heals all wounds.
GG
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