difficult breakup, cat death, the L in HALT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
Originally Posted by ReadyAndAble 
I'm sorry, OS. Though honestly, I'm more sorry about your cats than the ex. I totally get the name-colon combo—that would have hit me right between the eyes. And he wrote that after he knew you had heard the news from someone else? You can do better. You deserve better.
As for your grief and worry.... I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. I actually thought of you yesterday; I was leaving the grocery store, and as I was walking out I got a wave of pain thinking about how my dog used to wait for me in the car during my Wednesday night grocery runs. It's been almost two months since I had to put him down, and I'm still coming to terms with it. My cat still misses him too, I can tell. Anyway, that made me think of you and your older cat, because of your previous post.
It hurts, but it does get better. It's silly but I feel like I owe it to my old buddy to stay on track.
As for your grief and worry.... I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. I actually thought of you yesterday; I was leaving the grocery store, and as I was walking out I got a wave of pain thinking about how my dog used to wait for me in the car during my Wednesday night grocery runs. It's been almost two months since I had to put him down, and I'm still coming to terms with it. My cat still misses him too, I can tell. Anyway, that made me think of you and your older cat, because of your previous post.
It hurts, but it does get better. It's silly but I feel like I owe it to my old buddy to stay on track.
My cat still hasn't eaten, the vet literally just called as i'm typing this and his diagnosis is in: He has diabetes, he will need daily insulin. I'm headed to the animal hospital to learn how to give him the insulin.
i went to my 7am AA home group meeting this morning and forced myself to put my hand up and share. And i just....bawled. cried and cried. Fellowship (breakfast) after was helpful. Now i'm home in my apartment (i work from home) but have plans to go to 4 (count 'em four) meetings tonight btwn 6pm and 10pm (ending at 11pm).
I feel a lot of depression today, in my gut. I should add that I am actually diagnosed with the disease of depression (i realize so many of we alcoholics share diagnoses and outside help). I am taking my anti-depressant, which i know is actually helping with clarity and dealing with grief only in the sense that i'm able to see clearly. (i literally cannot see straight when in the throes of clinical depression)
more than anything im grieving, and fighting it is not helping. I keep yelling at myself to stop being so self centered - but my sponsor and other AAs have suggested that grief and self pity are different, and that it's ok to grieve.
I realized during my share today: i've not grieved as a sober woman - ever. this is the first time in 38 years that i have ever felt this way. I've grieved as an addict, i've smoked weed and popped vicodin and xanax and klonopin and had a ton of red wine to get through it, which means i've never gotten through it.
this is the first time. Lots of other grief is rising to the top. I wish my grandmother were still alive. etc etc.
Today I am carrying my a$$ in a bag; saving my butt instead of my face. I never knew what anyone meant when i heard that at meetings. Now i do.
Just gotta get through it, reach out to other alcoholics and addicts, participate here, go to meetings, call my sponsor, read literature, pray pray pray
you are all so wonderful. we really do need each other. so thankful to be here and have SR as a safe place which keeps me sober.
it is truly a miracle that i haven't had any booze or pills or whatnot in 80 days.
Oh, and I start my 4th step tomorrow....
Love to you all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Of course you're upset! Now it's time to feel the sadness. In the past we poured alcohol on our feelings and now we accept that it's appropriate to feel as we do. Good idea to stay near the rooms, it helps to talk about how you feel. During sobriety a long-term relationship ended, I held two cats and my soul mate dog while they were euthanized. The pain was unbearable and I was glad I knew that drinking wouldn't make it any better. The fellowship of AA carried me along ...........
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
:ghug3 My elderly dog is diabetic and once I learned how to give him his shots it's nothing at all.
I hope once he's on a regular dose of insulin that he'll be feeling better and eating better.
I hope once he's on a regular dose of insulin that he'll be feeling better and eating better. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Ocean))) - I totally understand the going-through-grief sober is TOTALLY different than when we dealt with it by using/drinking.
Giving insulin to a cat is easy, I promise. Back when I was a nurse, my vet got to know me, trusted me enough to tell me what "people antibiotics" I could give my cat if he got an infection. Gave "Sanford" (he looked exactly like my Elvis, in my signature pics) antibiotic shots in the area of his back where you'd pick them up and he didn't even flinch.
Grief is painful when we aren't numbing it out, but I promise..when you work through it, you feel stronger. I dealt with the death of my XABF#3 (from using the crack he and I did together), my uncle dying, my cousin dying, and it hurts..no doubt. However, we reach out for support, we don't pick up, and we get through it.
My cousin's death was about 3 months ago - died from liver failure due to hepatitis C he contracted when he was 17 years old and shooting up dope (introduced to him by my uncle, who died at 50). My cousin was 43.
It was way too close to home, in that I shot up drugs when I was using. However, I was able to be there for my aunt, uncles and grandmother and that is a gift of recovery.
I depended on SR as I was dealing with it...posting on my phone all the way to CA and back. I have his funeral thing on my "special wall" and his picture is on the front. Does it hurt? Oh yeah. However, I feel that I am honoring him by staying in recovery.
I know that is different than with your bf, but grief is grief. You're doing all the right things, and I promise...those gut-wrenching feelings, like you've been socked in the stomach..they get less frequent.
Take advantage of all the support you can. WE are here for you, and it sounds like you have great f2f support, too. You'll get through this..I promise
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Giving insulin to a cat is easy, I promise. Back when I was a nurse, my vet got to know me, trusted me enough to tell me what "people antibiotics" I could give my cat if he got an infection. Gave "Sanford" (he looked exactly like my Elvis, in my signature pics) antibiotic shots in the area of his back where you'd pick them up and he didn't even flinch.
Grief is painful when we aren't numbing it out, but I promise..when you work through it, you feel stronger. I dealt with the death of my XABF#3 (from using the crack he and I did together), my uncle dying, my cousin dying, and it hurts..no doubt. However, we reach out for support, we don't pick up, and we get through it.
My cousin's death was about 3 months ago - died from liver failure due to hepatitis C he contracted when he was 17 years old and shooting up dope (introduced to him by my uncle, who died at 50). My cousin was 43.
It was way too close to home, in that I shot up drugs when I was using. However, I was able to be there for my aunt, uncles and grandmother and that is a gift of recovery.
I depended on SR as I was dealing with it...posting on my phone all the way to CA and back. I have his funeral thing on my "special wall" and his picture is on the front. Does it hurt? Oh yeah. However, I feel that I am honoring him by staying in recovery.
I know that is different than with your bf, but grief is grief. You're doing all the right things, and I promise...those gut-wrenching feelings, like you've been socked in the stomach..they get less frequent.
Take advantage of all the support you can. WE are here for you, and it sounds like you have great f2f support, too. You'll get through this..I promise
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 47
The new kitten will probably be a good thing for you as it will probably require a lot of your attention. (I don't know so much about cats so I might be wrong)
When my first snake died, I was so sad I was doing crazy things (drinking, pills, so much crying), and I didn't want to get another snake because for me it was too soon and I didn't want to "replace" him.
So every day I was confronted with an empty terrarium and since I live alone, quite lonely too. He was a cute lightweight corn snake, orange and white, with those blinking red eyes. (I know, some people might not understand how you can love a snake so much)
Well, after a couple of days, my grandma said it was enough and she nearly dragged me to the reptile shop. I had trouble walking by the corn snakes, and also felt I didn't want the same species again, it would hurt too much. I had always been interested in boa constrictors, so I decided to go for it. I got a baby boa constrictor of just 3 months old. My grandma agreed to pay half of it, even though she was a little scared of the older and bigger boas sitting there. It's a small subspecies, so he'll only grow like 1m50 or something. Still, quite something different than my previous snake. She just loves me so much that she wanted me to become happy again.
At first when coming home with the snake I felt guilty. I didn't want to replace Ringo (my corn snake) and I wasn't over it at all. Yet Calypso, the new snake, young as he was, needed a lot of my attention. See if he was eating well, I needed to replace quite everything in the terrarium (because Ringo had died of a bacterial infection which they couldn't seem to get rid of with antibiotics), some handling (not too much) so he'd get used to that by the time he got older and bigger..
It didn't make me forget about Ringo, _at all_, but I couldn't let myself go anymore, I had someone, a little baby snake, who needed me, and I guess that's what I needed to get back in control.
The little baby has grown up, he's almost an adult now, 1m20 and I'm going to need a new terrarium soon. So I need to save up money for that, can't waste it on alcohol.
When my first snake died, I was so sad I was doing crazy things (drinking, pills, so much crying), and I didn't want to get another snake because for me it was too soon and I didn't want to "replace" him.
So every day I was confronted with an empty terrarium and since I live alone, quite lonely too. He was a cute lightweight corn snake, orange and white, with those blinking red eyes. (I know, some people might not understand how you can love a snake so much)
Well, after a couple of days, my grandma said it was enough and she nearly dragged me to the reptile shop. I had trouble walking by the corn snakes, and also felt I didn't want the same species again, it would hurt too much. I had always been interested in boa constrictors, so I decided to go for it. I got a baby boa constrictor of just 3 months old. My grandma agreed to pay half of it, even though she was a little scared of the older and bigger boas sitting there. It's a small subspecies, so he'll only grow like 1m50 or something. Still, quite something different than my previous snake. She just loves me so much that she wanted me to become happy again.
At first when coming home with the snake I felt guilty. I didn't want to replace Ringo (my corn snake) and I wasn't over it at all. Yet Calypso, the new snake, young as he was, needed a lot of my attention. See if he was eating well, I needed to replace quite everything in the terrarium (because Ringo had died of a bacterial infection which they couldn't seem to get rid of with antibiotics), some handling (not too much) so he'd get used to that by the time he got older and bigger..
It didn't make me forget about Ringo, _at all_, but I couldn't let myself go anymore, I had someone, a little baby snake, who needed me, and I guess that's what I needed to get back in control.
The little baby has grown up, he's almost an adult now, 1m20 and I'm going to need a new terrarium soon. So I need to save up money for that, can't waste it on alcohol.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 482
:S Let us know ASAP about your cat and the emergency :'(
I know you're going through so much right now, but I want to let you know how incredibly inspirational your strength and honesty is for me. Maybe because I'm an outsider looking in you may not see it in yourself, but you really are just amazing.
Everyone has given such great advice, all I can do is let you know that I'm thinking of you and your cat, and I'll be checking back for updates.
You can do this, you are scared, but you can do this.
I know you're going through so much right now, but I want to let you know how incredibly inspirational your strength and honesty is for me. Maybe because I'm an outsider looking in you may not see it in yourself, but you really are just amazing.
Everyone has given such great advice, all I can do is let you know that I'm thinking of you and your cat, and I'll be checking back for updates.
You can do this, you are scared, but you can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
SR, i love you.
Well, the update is as follows...
He is under emerg care and almost died earlier.
i really don't know what else to say except that I am praying for strength and reaching out to him in meditation. Playing withe the new kitten.
I have a wonderful best friend who came over and cooked dinner. "because you aren't going to eat if i don't do this." and i'm pretty sure she was right. she met me at the hospital. cried with me. hugged me tight. i hugged her back.
while i type this there's a kitten pawing at my toes.
overwhelmingly tired....time to sleep. I have to be back at the animal hospital in 8 hours.
thank you thank you thank you thank you
Well, the update is as follows...
He is under emerg care and almost died earlier.
i really don't know what else to say except that I am praying for strength and reaching out to him in meditation. Playing withe the new kitten.
I have a wonderful best friend who came over and cooked dinner. "because you aren't going to eat if i don't do this." and i'm pretty sure she was right. she met me at the hospital. cried with me. hugged me tight. i hugged her back.
while i type this there's a kitten pawing at my toes.
overwhelmingly tired....time to sleep. I have to be back at the animal hospital in 8 hours.
thank you thank you thank you thank you
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 482
Thanks for the update. I'll check back in the morning, my thoughts are with you, hoping for some good news. Glad you have your kitten to keep you company through this, as well as a great friend for looking after you and making sure you look after yourself.
I hope to hear from you tomorrow
I hope to hear from you tomorrow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
my cat survived the night - he is home now with a "satellite dish" thingy on his head, and a bandaged arm with a catheter in it. He returns to the animal hospital for an ultrasound - they say they think he has pancreatitis. but we'll know more tomorrow.
the godshot in all of this is that the last few months of recovery have also involved a bit of financial recovery, so when I applied for a certain level of credit with the animal hospital....i got it!!! so i'm on a payment plan now and that's seriously a godshot - and that little dose of a godshot turned me around.
also, i got some sleep last night! and I ate! so i'm no longer Tired and Hungry. After 2-3 hours (only) of sleep a night and basically starving myself (no appetite) im more engaged in self care and well rested - and therefore closer to my higher power.
btw, my higher power isn't "god" - i just don't know what other word to use sometimes. but fyi, my higher power is sorta like the Jedi force. i seriously hear yoda in my head when i pray (sometimes) (ok more than sometimes)
that said, i've already been to a meeting today, and am about to take a nap before my next meeting in 3 hrs.
If not for recovery, the 12 steps, SR and higher power, i'm not sure how i would have gotten through this without a complete level of insanity.
I miss my boyfriend, but have not contacted him, so that's mighty excellent too. I was tempted to write him a "let's be friends" email but that can wait....
omg i'm so tired. is it obvious?
i love you all so much.
the godshot in all of this is that the last few months of recovery have also involved a bit of financial recovery, so when I applied for a certain level of credit with the animal hospital....i got it!!! so i'm on a payment plan now and that's seriously a godshot - and that little dose of a godshot turned me around.
also, i got some sleep last night! and I ate! so i'm no longer Tired and Hungry. After 2-3 hours (only) of sleep a night and basically starving myself (no appetite) im more engaged in self care and well rested - and therefore closer to my higher power.
btw, my higher power isn't "god" - i just don't know what other word to use sometimes. but fyi, my higher power is sorta like the Jedi force. i seriously hear yoda in my head when i pray (sometimes) (ok more than sometimes)
that said, i've already been to a meeting today, and am about to take a nap before my next meeting in 3 hrs.
If not for recovery, the 12 steps, SR and higher power, i'm not sure how i would have gotten through this without a complete level of insanity.
I miss my boyfriend, but have not contacted him, so that's mighty excellent too. I was tempted to write him a "let's be friends" email but that can wait....
omg i'm so tired. is it obvious?
i love you all so much.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Ocean))) - so glad to see your update. So glad to hear the older kitty is home, even though he wears what my friends with furbabies call "the cone of shame" and the furbabies DON'T like it, but it serves a good purpose.
Also glad that you qualified for the vet financing. That is truly a blessing when we have a beloved furbaby sick.
Good for you on eating, sleeping and getting to a meeting!! Enjoy the new kitty, give older kitty some extra TLC from me, and keep taking care of you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Also glad that you qualified for the vet financing. That is truly a blessing when we have a beloved furbaby sick.
Good for you on eating, sleeping and getting to a meeting!! Enjoy the new kitty, give older kitty some extra TLC from me, and keep taking care of you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
So....
My cat was misdiagnosed with diabetes.
He survived lethal doses of insulin over the weekend and it turns out he only had a viral infection. He doesn't have any major organ problems (as evidenced by an ultrasound), no sign of cancer, no pancreatitis - just a virus.
He's home now!!!! and has an appetite stimulant for medicine, and anti-nausea....and i was told to buy baby food (chicken and turkey) (it's bland)
i'm about to feed him.
He's home!!!!
Now for some more rest for both of us.
My cat was misdiagnosed with diabetes.
He survived lethal doses of insulin over the weekend and it turns out he only had a viral infection. He doesn't have any major organ problems (as evidenced by an ultrasound), no sign of cancer, no pancreatitis - just a virus.
He's home now!!!! and has an appetite stimulant for medicine, and anti-nausea....and i was told to buy baby food (chicken and turkey) (it's bland)
i'm about to feed him.
He's home!!!!
Now for some more rest for both of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
as for the boyfriend part of it (now ex bf) i do still miss him, but not the mean ice cold abandoning self pitying self righteous him. I miss the him i know exists when he's healthy, but i realize that unless he wants to be healthy, he's not actually healthy.
and i don't think i am the root cause of his unhealthiness. but i think he thinks i am.
and i don't think he was the root cause of my unhappiness (b/c i'm alcoholic and just now in recovery...for 82 days)
I have no desire to convince him to come back, i know it's fruitless
I just do miss him. and i wish we could just be happy, together.
but that takes two. and he's happy as one. and i guess i am, too.
still, it sucks...there were still things i could envision us doing.
As i start step 4 i am more and more excited for p69 so i can figure out some more about what it is that i want.
and i don't think i am the root cause of his unhealthiness. but i think he thinks i am.
and i don't think he was the root cause of my unhappiness (b/c i'm alcoholic and just now in recovery...for 82 days)
I have no desire to convince him to come back, i know it's fruitless
I just do miss him. and i wish we could just be happy, together.
but that takes two. and he's happy as one. and i guess i am, too.
still, it sucks...there were still things i could envision us doing.
As i start step 4 i am more and more excited for p69 so i can figure out some more about what it is that i want.
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