goodman

Hi guys,

I've been on here a few times. I started and stopped a few times. I have not been able to get passed two days of not drinking for the last year.

Last night I met someone who said the first time they met me I was drunk. I never really thought I acted drunk because I don't get slurry or stumbly or mean but I get really high and happy.

It was a slap of reality to realize that many people whom I have now met know me as a drunk from their first impression of me.

I am someone who likes to chat online and I don't want to go to AA. I live in a tight community and people gossip, I know it is stupid to care but I'm worried about my husband or family being embarrassed if I go to a meeting and someone there falls off the wagon and starts gossiping in the neighborhood.

I have seen this happen already. Someone told me that a friend of mine was not supposed to be drinking because he knew his friend had seen her at a meeting and asked me not to bring her back to the pub. That was scary.

I don't want to be a dry drunk and so I'm looking for someone to just chat with or send PMs back and forth. I'm also aware of the statement that "a newbie will pull the older one down before the older one will pull the newbie up" so I don't want to be a problem.

I'm just lonely in my recovery and not sure what to do.

doggonecarl

Your last post was a similar request and you got a lot of replies. Did you avail yourself to them? Or did the drinking get in the way? Go back and look at those replies...Take advantage of the Chat Room feature here on SR.

We know what you are going through. Hang in there. And ask your self this question: Am I willing to do whatever it takes, no matter how difficult it seems, to get sober? And stay sober?

Good luck.

Mark75

I live in a small tight knit community and I go to AA... Plus, lots of people know who I am around town... A few knew those things I thought I was keeping secret... LOL, yea right..

A very few know I go to AA. They respect my anonymity. They go to AA for the same reason I do.

I am not lonely in my recovery. And people that meet me now, will never tell me later that I was drunk when they first met me. I have over three years. I don't worry about gossip, not anymore.

If you are really interested in AA, try a meeting in another town. Try a few different ones. Your worries about AA, like mine, may disappear.

goodman

I just saw that! So yeah I guess I'll stay online more. I'll use the chat room as well.


Thanks for reminding me.

Dee74

There's a lot of people to talk to here Goodman
Glad to see you back

D

goodman

Back again. How many times has it been. It seems denial isn't quite what I thought it was. I have friends and people I know in the pubs. It's become a routine. I think I've given the world a different impression than I have.

Funny I think that to me deep inside I am so ashamed of being a drunk because of my family history. It is this terrible thing. And yet I'm out, I meet other drunks and don't think poorly of them. I'm in pubs and no one cares if drunks come in. That's how they make their money.

The denial is in thinking I can still be the person I admire and respect when I'm a drunk most of the time. The denial is in the way I need to qualify it even now, to try to make you all know that it's not "That kind of a drunk" as if it's ok just to be a normal friendly drunk. It's only the crazy violent drunk that people don't like.

People like friendly drunks sometimes, they spend money they are cheerful they are friendly and make conversation and talk to everyone. That's a good drunk.

That's ok. But it's still a drunk. it's not a label I want, so I've fought it over the years and then suddenly I turn around and years in, in a new neighborhood, that's all they know of me.

To me it's a different person, it's the issue I'm working on. To them it's ME. And in many many different places.

I will need to try to understand why I run away from help and why it is so hard to handle this problem as a problem and to just respect myself and move on.

I've shared bits and secrets with some friends trying to get help. But it is still to me the worst thing in the world that I could ever do. The shame runs so deep that I want to hide it even further. Bury it and pretend it's ok. I'm not "that drunk" I'm ok I'm a different drunk I'm the "good drunk" not the bad one.

So sad.

tomsteve

if you may be interested in online AA meetings that are structured like f2f meetings only without seeing the others, send me a PM.

doggonecarl

Change is not easy. The changes required to get sober might be the most difficult changes to make. But until you change...nothing changes.

As for this statement:

"I will need to try to understand why I run away from help and why it is so hard to handle this problem as a problem and to just respect myself and move on."

Yes, understanding is important. Eventually you will have to find the answer to this and a number of other things. But you don't need anything nearly so cerebral to quit.

Just quit drinking. A couple months sobriety will do wonders for your understanding.

Dee74

Welcome back Goodman

I really hope you'll stick around and post some more - there's some great support and ideas here

D

Cyberchp

I live in a rural community. I was also concerned about anonymity. I decided to go to the next county over for my homegroup. Worth the 20 mile drive for peace of mind. No regrets.

CarolD

Welcome back...

I have no idea who gossips about me because
I don't listen to gossip.
Personally....
I'd rather be identified as a sober woman than a drunk
To stay a sober woman...I connect regularly to AA....

goodman

thanks so much! I got a friend request and just jumped back in on here. The funny thing is that I know the ropes hook line and sinker. I could probably counsel with the best of them, considered being a CASAC years ago. But I guess it really is something of a disease.

I am coming to terms with the idea that this is a life long struggle that has more to do with the feelings than the drinking. Ayaiyai.

Thanks so much everyone.