newdayfortoday

Well I relapsed on Saturday. I didn't go overboard or anything and it lasted about 4 hours in which I got buzzed but not drunk. It really wasn't all that great as I had made it out in my head. It actually just makes me kind of drowsy. I also realized that stress/anxiety is a big time trigger for me. I'm disappointed in myself but realize that I can't dwell on it. These things happen and I just have to get back on the horse and keep on going. Just because I caved in doesn't mean I need to go out on an all out bender. I was two days shy of 90 days and I really don't want to lose all the progress I made by going back to drinking heavily even if just for the night.

So here I am getting myself back together and thinking that I might want to go see my doctor about my anxiety. I seriously stress out about everything and it's completely unnecessary. Alcohol provides me with a relief from the stress I feel and it's not healthy and has to stop. I need to find more healthy coping mechanisms and I need the help to do so. I've been this way all my life, a little stress ball, and it's time to learn how to deal with it.

So here I am, again. Humbled by being powerless.

Dominica2

I know how you feel. Just dont give up. The doctor is a very good idea. Best wishes to you.

bmwcycle

Do not continue to beat yourself up, you had a drink you didn't care for it and you are not drinking now!! That is what matters. Good luck!

newdayfortoday

I just have to keep in mind sobriety isn't linear. It happened, it's a learning process and move forward.

Costadelmar

I'm only on day 10 but experienced some extreme anxiety the first few days. Now I'm not one for pills but I had a lot of my original Xanax left over from when I went through my divorce. I had 30 pills & used about 10 so in the first few days I took 2 Xanax then the next few 1 now the past 3 days I haven't taken any. I will tell you it knocked the anxiety right out of me and my urge to drink subsided. Maybe ask your doctor about Xanax...

loveon2legs

Love your attitude!! stay positve!!

Zanthos

I have to tell myself that long term, continuous sobriety is possible. There are examples of it all around me. As an alcoholic, my challenge is not to stop drinking. I've stopped drinking thousands of times. The challenge is continuous sobriety. What do I have to do to live without drinking?

If I want to drink or if I take that first drink, then I have failed to learn what I need to learn to live sober. I have learned the basic tools of staying sober in AA, but I need to practice using those tools all the time. It has taken years of continuous practice to learn to live sober.

For me it was helpful to not tell myself "I am sober" until I had a year of working a program of recovery under my belt. I had stopped drinking for months and even years in the past, but I wasn't "sober" until I started to change and learn how to be the kind of person that wouldn't turn to a drink anymore to cope with life.

tomdecel

You DO have the power to keep the first drop from entering your mouth.

Stress/anxiety is part of everyday living. I hope you can find a way to diminish it's effects on you and not let it beat you down. Recognize it, analyze it and find a way to overcome it. Good luck.

LotusBlossom

As long as you learn from the experience, you never lose the progress you gained. All the self reflection, the strength you gained, that time you had sober, those 90 days no one can take away from you. As you said, pick yourself up and keep moving down that path. Everything is a lesson for us to learn from.

Figure out what the trigger was and how to prevent it next time from happening. If it was stress, figure out coping tools. If it's long term high amounts of stress, talk about it with your doctor. If it's short term bursts of stress, then ways to calm yourself down and coping mechanisms that don't involve alcohol through meditation, a walk, an AA meeting, a phone call to a friend, a prayer, a session with a punching bag, a nap, a bath, 100 other things BEFORE you finally get to a drink. By the time you get to plan ZZZZZ which is a drink, you'll be so darn tired you won't be able to pick it up. . At least that's how I stop it from ever happening.

Good luck to you!

newdayfortoday

Thanks for all the great advice. Stress and anxiety will be there always but I need to learn how to cope with them and also to not fret over every little thing. I have the tendancy to take on too much then get disappointed or start stressing when I can't get everything done or I start feeling overwhelmed.
When I decided to get sober I decided to figure out why I was drinking the way I was. What was causing it and to teach myself how to cope without alcohol. It's not easy but I really think it's worth it because I can't live like that anymore. I don't like that person I was.

cuyootoo

Besides, relapse is part of recovery for most of us. Maybe you don't feel that alcohol has beat you up enough yet and want to go a few more rounds? Remember, the outcome of a practicing alcoholic is most likely jails, institutions, and death. If I remember correctly, the big book says something like the most any of us can really expect is a daily reprieve from our disease?

For myself, I don't want to drink anymore. There is just too much wreckage to clean up already and I don't even enjoy drinking until I am so out of my mind that I am delusional. So what I am really enjoying is the delusion. I think my alcoholism is further along than yours though.

Try doing something, however small, to change what you are feeling anxious about. Like, if you feel anxious about a court appearance over a dui, then go to a courtroom and watch what happens to other people who are having dui cases so that you will know what will most likely happen to you. Or if you are fighting and arguing with your spouse and are anxious about what will happen when he/she gets home, try to have dinner ready, and personal plans for after dinner so that there isn't any time to argue. Stuff like that... hope this helps

instant

I think unstable emotions are part of getting and staying sober. In my experience I was over-reactive and prone to mood swings and periods of anxiety coming out of the blue. I am nearly six months and things have been so much better this last few weeks, but I think there is still a way to go. For me this stuff was the long tail of alcohol withdrawal.

newdayfortoday

Yes I am having mood swings but after three months I hoped they would subside but I guess not huh? It feels good to know that at six months you're still experiencing those, instant. I remember the first month having more extreme mood swings but them getting better as time went on. I guess it's part of the healing process.
@cuyotoo: I must admit that my disease is in the earlier stages. No DUI, no recovery, no serious repercussions but I recognized a problem in myself and also that my life was becoming unmanagable, I didn't want to live like that and I was headed down a bad road.
Today is rough. Had a blow out fight with someone close to me and those things just trigger me to be self destructive. All I want to do is go out and get wasted. Thankfully I'm at work so that will keep me out of trouble for now and I think a meeting would be wise. I'm not big into AA but when I feel like the demons are coming out I catch one to help keep me, at the very least, from picking up that day.

TwelveSteps

I think most alcoholics use alcohol to manage anxiety to some degree, I definitely did. What I didn't realize was that paradoxically, chronic alcohol use actually INCREASES your baseline level of anxiety. After a few months of sobriety, I was pleasantly surprised to find how much my day-to-day anxiety levels had decreased.

Also, I hope you follow through with talking to your doctor. A low level of antidepressant and light therapy for my seasonal affective disorder has worked wonders in keeping my anxiety to "normal" levels.

GG

doggonecarl

Careful about minimizing the problem. Early stage...late stage...you are at the stage of the disease where you relapsed, dispite your committment to quit, and where. in you own words, you said, "All I want to do is go out and get wasted."

Alcoholism isn't a ladder. It's a slide.

Don't slip.

Zebra1275

You relapsed, it's over.

What can you learn from the experience to help you in the future?

DayTrader

New......

Zebra's dead right.... there's no value in dissecting the past forever. It should be get in-get out business.....look to see what you were doing/not doing and adjust going forward.

Humility and powerlessness go hand in hand with alcoholism (not sure if you're an alkie or not).....so if that's what you're seeing, it's great that you can be honest about it. The question I'd be pondering (I DID ponder it, actually) was what can I do to make sure none of my "triggers" will ever effect me ever again.....forever?

That's a tough question ya know? It's even tougher when you realize that triggers change.....sometimes on/off/on for the same one, new ones pop up, fixes for some stop working, etc etc. Then, in the end......what happens is you may, like I did, realize that there aren't multiple triggers. There is ONE trigger. That "trigger" is this and nothing less: when I run my as best I can, eventually I get drunk. Eventually I get things twisted to the point where stress, fear, success, anger, sadness, or any other emotion / feeling will kick my butt and my alcoholism will reassert itself in my life again. In essence, sobriety is my "trigger." .....and I'd suggest that for anyone who is a real alcoholic, their only trigger is exactly the same as mine.....nothing more.....nothing less.

I suppose you haven't been to AA, gotten a sponsor and completely worked the program? ......if not, that's great......

.........cuz you'll always have that one (unless, of course, you die while searching for alternatives) should you want to pull out the "guaranteed to work" card.

Dee74

welcome back newdayfortoday

D

TheOjibway84

Hello NewDayForToday well at least your back thats what counts. I know exactly how you felt. I was once 7 months sober myself and then I moved into my own place from my parents... im 27 by the way... and in 2 weeks time I was back out drinking. My relapses were bad though. I ended up going on benders or even drinking for a whole day. Up to getting sick. Thats why I now know I can't pick up again or it'll get worse, my brain was telling me that since I was off from booze for so long to catch up, get plastered who cares etc etc. It was a bad train of thought and once I picked up I couldn't stop. My sick mind had the same thought that it would be exciting to drink again but when things such as yelling at the room mates and even breaking into my friends rented room through his screen window ended with a fight and a visit to the hospital... luckily I was beaten up so they didn't take me to the drunk tank but I was under lockdown in the hospital till the next morning when I was sober....more hungover then sober. It got worse everytime. Anyway not about me here. Keep it up as long as you have faith then you can do it No one is perfect I know I learned that the hard way when I expected myself to stay sober for life and had high expectations for it. Good luck

GreenAces

Eh just pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back to recovery.. I've relapsed a few times and thats all I can do is just get back in to whatever was working before and try a little harder then the last time.