self-loathing/loving statement
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
self-loathing/loving statement
I've never fit, never been in love, am 33, alone, moderately successful in my weird job which takes me all around the world and provides a convenient explanation for why I don't form relationships. Not fitting for so long, not finding a place takes a toll. It's hard to be alone. That old axiom about first loving yourself is hard, man, and could be added to a coffee table book things well loved people say to loners.
At first I drank to lose my inhibitions, to try to meet women. This didn't work, gradually confirming my deep seeded sense of inadequacy (why would anyone want me if I have exhausted all the main social venues?) while also confirming an extremely jaded set of beliefs in regards to what women want based in part on the words of random nuts I met on Craigslist personals who themselves oblivious to their own faults in clear terms reminded me I wasn't Alec Baldwin nor a vegetarian and kyaking enthusiast for that matter. Then again, I wasn't so hot on them either, but just wanted to be admired in some way I guess: maybe like people treat each other in France. That's a joke.
I drank, not everyday, twice a month, at parties. Then once a week and then twice a week bouts of 12 drink nights which, at 30 began to cast a long shadow over the rest of the week and mess with my professional life.
At 33, the Jesus age, I'm a boozer. Although I don't drink everyday, half the week is spent recovering from the 12 drink night which, I feel is based on not fitting, on finding a way to cope with the evenings alone, with the idle banter I've always found alien and rediculous, with the indifference of women, with the requesit of portraying my worth as a man through tamping my impulse toward wit, humor, profundity, movie references, etc.
Quitting drinking for 3 weeks, I found that I could control my emotions better and felt better about myself, but that the tendency to self-isolate (what's the alternative?) became so strong, I started drinking again. I tried going out in the evening, being with people but the sense of boredom was so strong I couldn't bear it. The kind of self-honesty sobriety brings seems so antithetical to the con act of human relationships. As if we are hell bent on viewing each other in terms of our own self-conscience acts of self-marketing, the only way I can force myself to wade through the misery of this kind of collective mime act is under the cloud of 8 drinks. The only way I can engage in the sufficiently smarmy feed the meter encounter is with the promise of alcohol and the very brief, 5 minute crack glow it now brings.
So there's the catch 22. At the bottom of those five drinks, I'm every bit as miserable, but at least I am occupied and have a reason for being in the bar, disco, club, party, as opposed to standing around like a Steppenwolf. And two nights of 12 drinks weekly equals professional failure, a lack of interest in life.
I realize this sounds arrogant in a way. Maybe a certain kind of arrogance is the last vestige of protest against change: maybe it's an ironic f*k you to myself for putting myself in situations where I cannot be the brainy weirdo I am, maybe self critique is narcicisism, self hatred a prayer to god to come the f*k in and make it so I don't have to live my whole life alone, week in week out learning to dislike myself so that I can relate to the others same dislike.
At first I drank to lose my inhibitions, to try to meet women. This didn't work, gradually confirming my deep seeded sense of inadequacy (why would anyone want me if I have exhausted all the main social venues?) while also confirming an extremely jaded set of beliefs in regards to what women want based in part on the words of random nuts I met on Craigslist personals who themselves oblivious to their own faults in clear terms reminded me I wasn't Alec Baldwin nor a vegetarian and kyaking enthusiast for that matter. Then again, I wasn't so hot on them either, but just wanted to be admired in some way I guess: maybe like people treat each other in France. That's a joke.
I drank, not everyday, twice a month, at parties. Then once a week and then twice a week bouts of 12 drink nights which, at 30 began to cast a long shadow over the rest of the week and mess with my professional life.
At 33, the Jesus age, I'm a boozer. Although I don't drink everyday, half the week is spent recovering from the 12 drink night which, I feel is based on not fitting, on finding a way to cope with the evenings alone, with the idle banter I've always found alien and rediculous, with the indifference of women, with the requesit of portraying my worth as a man through tamping my impulse toward wit, humor, profundity, movie references, etc.
Quitting drinking for 3 weeks, I found that I could control my emotions better and felt better about myself, but that the tendency to self-isolate (what's the alternative?) became so strong, I started drinking again. I tried going out in the evening, being with people but the sense of boredom was so strong I couldn't bear it. The kind of self-honesty sobriety brings seems so antithetical to the con act of human relationships. As if we are hell bent on viewing each other in terms of our own self-conscience acts of self-marketing, the only way I can force myself to wade through the misery of this kind of collective mime act is under the cloud of 8 drinks. The only way I can engage in the sufficiently smarmy feed the meter encounter is with the promise of alcohol and the very brief, 5 minute crack glow it now brings.
So there's the catch 22. At the bottom of those five drinks, I'm every bit as miserable, but at least I am occupied and have a reason for being in the bar, disco, club, party, as opposed to standing around like a Steppenwolf. And two nights of 12 drinks weekly equals professional failure, a lack of interest in life.
I realize this sounds arrogant in a way. Maybe a certain kind of arrogance is the last vestige of protest against change: maybe it's an ironic f*k you to myself for putting myself in situations where I cannot be the brainy weirdo I am, maybe self critique is narcicisism, self hatred a prayer to god to come the f*k in and make it so I don't have to live my whole life alone, week in week out learning to dislike myself so that I can relate to the others same dislike.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi and Welcome,
One thing I found when I stopped drinking was that I had to accept myself as I am. I had to look at the good points and the bad points and embrace them both. I recognized that I am not as outgoing as I would have liked to be. I was less than comfortable in social situations where I didn't know people. So, I go out less than I used to and I'm very okay with that. Accepting myself, enabled me to begin to enjoy spending time with myself.
Maybe you could try to stop hanging out in bars, discos, clubs and parties. Get outside of your hide and offer your services to volunteer in your community. It's a great way to feel good about yourself and to meet other people who are not involved in drinking.
One thing I found when I stopped drinking was that I had to accept myself as I am. I had to look at the good points and the bad points and embrace them both. I recognized that I am not as outgoing as I would have liked to be. I was less than comfortable in social situations where I didn't know people. So, I go out less than I used to and I'm very okay with that. Accepting myself, enabled me to begin to enjoy spending time with myself.
Maybe you could try to stop hanging out in bars, discos, clubs and parties. Get outside of your hide and offer your services to volunteer in your community. It's a great way to feel good about yourself and to meet other people who are not involved in drinking.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
I have been thinking alot about your post since I read it ealier today. I didn't respond right away because I didn't want to come off as cliche. But, um, well you DO need to love yourself first. Sorry...I firmly believe it and know it to be true from experience. I believe that people respond to each others energies. You will draw in what you put out. If you like who you are and accept all of yourself ( the good, bad, and the ugly lol) then people are drawn to that confidence. The coolest thing about liking yourself tho is that even when others don't like you...it really doesn't matter. Being happy with yourself gets rid of that unecessary longing for validation. It did for me anyway...best to you ...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
Just from what you wrote, you sound like a terrific person with some shyness and some odd combination of inferiority/superiority issues that are making you feel distanced from people, which alcohol will certainly support. The distance, the superiority and inferiority, the shyness/shame: alcohol makes all of these more intense.
Imagine what you would like a social encounter to be: Perfect from the beginning. Are you drunk? Are you fumbling, red-faced, stumbling to the rest-room, slurring your speech? Trying not to breathe fumes into the face of your conversation partner?
Best wishes to you in figuring things out and making a new strategy.
Imagine what you would like a social encounter to be: Perfect from the beginning. Are you drunk? Are you fumbling, red-faced, stumbling to the rest-room, slurring your speech? Trying not to breathe fumes into the face of your conversation partner?
Best wishes to you in figuring things out and making a new strategy.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
Hi davaidavai
I was alone for much of my life & spent a lot of time in my own head, or haunting bars like a ghost wondering what the magic password was to the togetherness and fun.
The journey from that, to being loved started with me learning to accept myself as I am, learning to love myself.
I couldn't love someone else, or have them love me, without that fundamental step.
Paradoxically, the way I learned to be comfortable in myself was by reaching out to others.
Anna's volunteering idea is a good one. Being of service to others really helps your perspective and got me out of my own head....helped with my insecure arrogance and the romantic Herman Hesse ideas too
Bars discos etc have their place - but there not good places to be if you have a drinking problem - and I wouldn't search for enlightenment or illumination there.
Sobriety is a good place to start from...I didn't realise how screwed my thinking had been until I was sober a while.
If your life's not want you want, davaidavai - you can fix it, if you're willing
You'll find a lot of support here
D
I was alone for much of my life & spent a lot of time in my own head, or haunting bars like a ghost wondering what the magic password was to the togetherness and fun.
The journey from that, to being loved started with me learning to accept myself as I am, learning to love myself.
I couldn't love someone else, or have them love me, without that fundamental step.
Paradoxically, the way I learned to be comfortable in myself was by reaching out to others.
Anna's volunteering idea is a good one. Being of service to others really helps your perspective and got me out of my own head....helped with my insecure arrogance and the romantic Herman Hesse ideas too
Bars discos etc have their place - but there not good places to be if you have a drinking problem - and I wouldn't search for enlightenment or illumination there.
Sobriety is a good place to start from...I didn't realise how screwed my thinking had been until I was sober a while.
If your life's not want you want, davaidavai - you can fix it, if you're willing
You'll find a lot of support here
D
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
I used to believe very strongly that a large part of why I enjoyed drinking in solitude was because people bored the sh*t out of me. I watched other people around me babble on about "mundane" details of this or that, and came to the conclusion that I just operated and functioned on a different level than them and would never be social.
I think what happened with me in looking back is I stopped thinking so hard about it. I kind of say what's on my mind in social situations and if it's too deep or "whatever" for other people, I just don't care. I talk quite a bit now too. I used to be a very intense person, and solitude will do that to you. I read way too much into things, which also sucks.
We don't come into this world alone. We come in attached to another human being. I think it is therefore natural for us to want and need to be around other people. The more I spend time with others, the "lighter" I feel and the easier it gets to relax, enjoy myself and give myself freely.
I think what happened with me in looking back is I stopped thinking so hard about it. I kind of say what's on my mind in social situations and if it's too deep or "whatever" for other people, I just don't care. I talk quite a bit now too. I used to be a very intense person, and solitude will do that to you. I read way too much into things, which also sucks.
We don't come into this world alone. We come in attached to another human being. I think it is therefore natural for us to want and need to be around other people. The more I spend time with others, the "lighter" I feel and the easier it gets to relax, enjoy myself and give myself freely.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
the days of the week
I was just thinking about how potentially deranged and blind that message must have sounded. That is day two of the hang over, the day when I have the greatest potential to screw with my relationships by saying too much. Day one is giddyness, a desire to get the day over. Day 2 and 3 are spent with the knowledge of the hangover grappling with the uncontrollable urge to theorize myself, others, spill my sorrows curdling gently toward spite, day 4 is the hump when I feel fantastic, high on sobriety and want to drink again, day 5 is day one, day 6 and 7 are day 2 and 3.
Yes, I relate to all you are saying. Nothing is 100 percent right and wrong. I see platitudes "love yourself" as often interfering; then again, I think maybe loving yourself is much simpler, tantamount to being kind to yourself, which is easier for me to relate to. I just don't know how to 'love' myself. I mean, it's so weird and theraputic. And we have certain cultural blind spots: blind loves for empty truistic sounding things that do keep us alone and recognizing the cigar for what it is.
I know, volunteer, do something else. Drinking saps interest in the something elses of life. I look forward to week 2 and 3 when those reinitiate and I discover myself browsing strange **** and wondering about geology.
Yes, I relate to all you are saying. Nothing is 100 percent right and wrong. I see platitudes "love yourself" as often interfering; then again, I think maybe loving yourself is much simpler, tantamount to being kind to yourself, which is easier for me to relate to. I just don't know how to 'love' myself. I mean, it's so weird and theraputic. And we have certain cultural blind spots: blind loves for empty truistic sounding things that do keep us alone and recognizing the cigar for what it is.
I know, volunteer, do something else. Drinking saps interest in the something elses of life. I look forward to week 2 and 3 when those reinitiate and I discover myself browsing strange **** and wondering about geology.
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