ArgentOfSilvae

Hi All,

My first time here at soberrecovery.com not my first time trying to get sober...

I suppose i dont know where to start... I have a few problems some of which are related to the alcohol, others, well some i dont even know what causes them, and the others alcohol stops me from dealing with.

As my questions really span multiple forums on this site, i suppose ill start by telling you a little about me.

I have been drinking daily for the past 8 or 9 years, at first it started by picking up 4 small cans (fosters) to drink on an evening, gradually over these years its got to at least 8 pint cans (calsberg export) on an evening, and 'evening' as gradually started slipping into 'afternoon'.

Ive tried various sites/forums/chat rooms and exercises to try and stop in the past, I even tried AA for a short while (while the people there are amazing people, i really couldn't get my head around how AA helped, i could see through it)

I suppose i would really say that my drinking is more habit than addiction, but its a fine line i often find myself on either side of. Sometimes when I decide to stop that first night is easy, others not so, I can be tetchy,depressed,bored,annoyed... ect ect

So I stopped 2 days ago (was feeling terribly rough from the night before) and i found the night to be easy but i was awake within 3 hours of going to bed, with no signs of ever getting back to sleep.

Feeling totally sorry for myself yesterday i picked up 4 pint cans and had those, sleeping last night was no better, i was up again within 4 hours but managed to get to sleep off and on, eventually i got 8 hours, though it doesn't feel like it.

so its day one again, and im determined not to drink today. But I have to now start thinking beyond day one, I know even without the drink im not going to feel myself without tackling some of the larger problems. On those im not sure were to start, I am hoping a few weeks off the alcohol will clarify some things in my mind.

So what todo now... Im not sure, still fumbling about in the dark... I need to sort out my diet asap, Ive had a 'dodgy tummy' for a surprisingly (surprising as one would assume it would cause severe issues) long time.

I tend to eat only one meal a day (around 7pm) which is usually a good meal but not necessarily healthy, I have found that over the last few years eating has become more of a chore than anything else, I really dont enjoy eating and find it hard to plan out a healthy diet never mind actually sticking to it. Another surprising thing is that i have neither lost nor gained weight, i tend to stick around the same area.

thanks in advance for any responses, and apologies if it was a bit of a tangent.

AoS

instant

Hi AoS

welcome to SR.

I found I didn't know how tight the grip was until I wanted to let go, then found it is very hard to do. Addiction is complex, and it took a good couple of months for things to settle down for me. In truth they still are. Sobriety has not been my usual state for a long time, but it is definitely worth striving for.

I hope you find what you need here.

Paraffin

Very similar to parts of my own story.

4% Fosters just doesn't cut it after a while. 8 cans of 5% export seemed just about right to get pi**ed up in an evening and still manage to get out of bed when my alarm went off for work in a morning. As my drinking progresses I'd start popping to the off licence to get more before it shut ( always bought 8 more cans but often only drank one. )

I usually had stomach cramps almost all day long at work ( i've since learned that cramps are a sign of alcohol withdrawl).

What you said about being on either side of a fine line between habit and addiction I can identify with also. It usually depended on how I was feeling. I drank on my feelings too, as you say, you picked up 4 pint cans because you were feeling sorry for yourself, me too... more times then I can remember.

There are my things you can do to help with the troubles you are experiencing. In my case I have found this site to be an extremely positive and useful tool that helps me while I am indoors alone and need to strengthen my resolve. I have found that in my case I need to be doing things that are more actively aimed at treating the problem I have with alcohol directly. Exercise might help improve general physical health but unfortunately the addiction that I suffer from centers in the mind.

I'm sticking to AA, works for me. Maybe It's not for you there are many other resources that can be found on this site.

Best of luck mate.

stevie88

Also day 1 for me buddy....I also was getting through 12/15 500ml cans of lager a day.I would start off by buying 12 but would nip out to the offie before it shut for another 4....Yesterday i only bought 8 and stopped myself going back for more just so i wouldnt feel rough today and it worked....I feel pretty good and have also eaten breakfast and lunch....When i drink i never eat.....Welcome aboard matey and good luck to both of us...

langkah

It's a drag, but most of us need to be sober a while for our heads to clear enough to begin looking at all the deeper problems, instead of the other way around which would sure speed things up.

Concentrating on not drinking for a year or two might be a plan, and as often happens for alcoholics some of those deeper problems may be lessened or fade off by then. At least at that point you'll know which ones are your stuff and which were due to the booze and how we must rationalize the world and the people around us to get along when drinking.

ArgentOfSilvae

Thanks for the kind words guys

Paraffin, aye that's pretty much how it happens for me too. I know when and why I drink (at least mostly why). I know I drink in an evening after work so my first though was to switch my day around and work on an evening. It didn't work last week as I was in a particular funky mood so I ended up not working in the day and still drinking. I do think I need to try again with it though now that I'm feeling somewhat better.

Stevie88, the eating has been a big problem for me too, at first I simply couldn't stomach it (feeling crappy) then gladulally i simply didnt eat or forgot to eat. My partner is always asking me to eat/make something for me, yet still I don't eat 99% of the time until after I've had a drink. I Havnt eaten yet today, I should do so now. Good luck to you too

AoS

dawnie24

You need to keep your self occupied and try counselling and relaxation methods try radox In a nice hot bath at night with scented candles and relaxing music clear your mind and take deep breaths or ask your GP for sleep oil for your bath or the massaging oil it can help you sleep...
I used to use them and like you I went from 4 cans of fosters then 2 8 cans of fosters and I could drink more and more but the next day weren't so nice on me it took me few days to recover then I'd start all over again. I'm on my 2nd day of not drinkin (I mainly drank at night & and I'm the binge drinkin type). I suffer from depression postnatal depression and really bad anxiety and I honestly thought last night I was gonna have an anxiety attack but that's when I found this site and it made me feel relaxed coz I knew I weren't alone if you know what I mean

TorontoGuy28

You are delusional and need to get honest with yourself before you get better.. I know, I thought the same insane ways for years.

You seem to be too smart for AA according to your comment, I was too.

Wish someone showed me some tough-love like I did for you.

Sorry if I seem to be brutally honest, but that's what my experience tells me.

Sometimes, one needs to hit a true rock bottom before getting better.

Good luck.

ArgentOfSilvae

TorontoGuy, I appreciate the post, I did wonder about finishing that sentence as I was writing it, but it was my first post here and wanted to be as honest as I could be at this time.

If I am honest with myself perhaps I do think that I am too smart for AA, hell everyone has flaws and this is probably the least of mine, what I will add now though is that I found parts of the literature describes many parts of my behaviour quite clearly and at points it helped me realise some things I had not previously, however the communal meetings that the AA provide did not help me, I am not very good around people especially people that I don't know, so revealing much of myself to them wasn't going to happen.

I suppose what I meant by 'I could see through it' was that I felt that the AA relied heavily on the individual to open themselves up to outsiders in order for them to get better, like a rather elaborate 'Problem shared is a problem halved'. It wasn't then nor now (at least not how I feel at the present) going to work like that for me.

Dawnie,

Thanks for the tips on the oils, I didn't know that sort of thing was available, I do use the radox stuff, so ill give it a shot. Hope day 2 has treat you well

AoS

freshstart57

Ag, you might look into one of our other forums where options for recovery other than 12 step programs are discussed. You can find it here.

ArgentOfSilvae

Morning Everyone,

Day 1 went well, though I found getting any work done difficult, either because I was feeling a tired from a couple of nights bad sleep or weather I was procrastinating, I'm self employed but I work with a team, whom I told I had the flu for the last few days, which I feel guilty about.

I went shopping mid day and picked up various varieties of pop I also picked up some food for tea. I then made my partner and I a grilled chicken salad, Its been a while since I actually put any effort into making tea, My speciality being pasta bake, as you pour on the source and pop it in the oven and forget about it. So I had a decent meal for once by my own making. Side Note: my grilled chicken was too dry, cooked it too fast I think.

Around 6-7pm (I've usually started drinking by now) I was feeling a little off, I suppose I'd call it bored. Initially I just sat feeling sorry for myself, but after I while I was determined to find something to take my mind off it. Cue the iPad and a brilliant little game called "PuzleMan" a Jigsaw puzzle app. While I didn't think I would enjoy jigsaw puzzles, the harder levels of the app are really quite difficult, soon I found myself engrossed in it.

My partner has a gaming night online mondays at 10pm, which I usually miss completely or catch a bit of before falling into bed, this week I watched all the way through.

I went to bed at 12pm, not particularly tired, but I was sick of drinking pop and cups of tea, a slight headache kept me from playing more jigsaws. for the next two hours I was very much awake, my headache got worse (i could feel the vains throbbing at my temples) and all sorts of random stuff was going through my head, I browsed this site a bit reading through some of the posts to try and take my mind off it (I didn't want to take pain killers, as I can have a problem with those too) around 2pm I gave up and fell back on a trick I used to use in my teens, when I was in much the same predicament.

Some might call it new agey or whatever, but really its just a way for me to take my mind off things. Lying flat on my back, my arms by my side, I breath in deeply imaging a stream of calm flowing up through my feet, the breath out imaging all the random thoughts going out down through my arms and out of my finger tips, after a few minutes of this I then imagine my little toe (waggling it to clarify in my mind where it is) i then move on to my next toe, and so on, then up the foot to the ankle, and then the knee, and then the hip and groin and down the right leg then back up, then up my stomach and and across my clavicle to the shoulder and down the arm to the elbow, then the hand then fingers, then back up and across the other side, at all times trying to feel what the skin there is in contact with. I keep doing this aslong as I'm awake.

I woke at around 5, drenched in sweat (as I had done the previous nights), I got water from the bathroom and went back to sleep, which was then broken up into perhaps hour segments by wakeful sweatiness. it really is quite difficult to get comfortable after this, its cold here and my room is cold, so I'm either sweating or freezing and sweaty. I woke up at 9.30, so I just about got the 8 hours I was aiming for.

I've eaten breakfast (2 x wheatabix and a satsuma) as I have typed this post with my usual coffee (another substance I wish to quit but it's the least of them), I'm feeling fairly good, tired, but no more than you would expect from broken sleep.

I have lunch and tea planned, and I still have lots of fizzy pop, so I welcome day 2.

Now to do some work

AoS

freshstart57

Ag, your experience was much the same as mine, with headache and insomnia, with some anxiety and nausea mixed in. Your meditation and relaxation experience will stand you in good stead as you progress into a secure sobriety by giving you the opportunity to calm yourself and move your consciousness into the present moment. Good for you.

ArgentOfSilvae

Thanks freshstart your post has cheered me up some!

Had some very strong urges to drink this evening, found myself getting annoyed/angry at very trivial things and then at myself for letting things get to me. I managed to fend it off for a while by, well, brooding silently feeling sorry for myself.

That didn't work very well for long ofcourse, I am now running a hot bath with lavender bubble bath so I can relax for a while listening to Noah and the whale.

I'm feeling better by having typed this out

AoS

TorontoGuy28

I truly want everyone to get better, and at times might come across harsh.

My thinking is that I will tell you want you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear.

My suggestion is for you to try several different meetings/groups. It took me a while before I found a few that I really liked and enjoy going to.. There were also some that I never went back to.

Acceptance was absolutely paramount in my recovery.

Accepting that I was powerless over alcohol was very hard, until I did, I was relapsing too often... Accepting that I was an alcoholic and I can never drink normally was another one...

You can get sober and be happy !

TorontoGuy28

Keep it up AoS, it gets easier

ArgentOfSilvae

Hi TorontoGuy,

I feel I may have initially misunderstood your meaning in your first post, I didn't feel that you were being harsh, I felt that you were telling me "It's the AA way or it's no way".

Clearly you were not saying that. I appreciate that face to face meetings are helpful for a great many people. For me though I need to avoid situations that make me want to drink, and the anxiety I get around other people, especially in a room with high emotions (mine or others) makes me want to drink, so I chose not to continue. Of course I then went on to drink again for a further 6 months before I came here to SR. One day I will be able to tackle that part of my self so that face to face meetings are an option.

I have accepted I am and alcoholic and powerless over alcohol, I have also accepted that I cannot ever drink normally, I've accepted that I am not like other people, and that I cannot control it and that if I do not stop there is no future for me.

So having accepted that, here I am on day 3

ArgentOfSilvae

Despite the strong urges to drink last night, with a clear mind this morning ive looked back on day 2 and it really was a good day overall.

I went shopping in the day time for a new duvet cover, In the hope that a lighter duvet would help me combat the nightly sweating. While in town I bumped into my Dad (who is also an alcoholic, but has not intention of changing that), We walked around town together, then he decided he wanted to go to the liquor store for beers before he went home, I said I wanted a sandwich so we ended up going to the local supermarket instead. I managed to walk down the beer isle without a need to purchase anything. so thats a +1 for the day.

As mentioned last night I then had a rather crappy evening. However something great happend, my partner and i went to bed together, something which we have not done for a very long time. Another thing that has not happened in a very long while (years) is I actively took part! I wasn't barely hanging on from a drunken coma, I was alive and I was involved!

We had a good chat after that, about my recovery and what I intended to do, I told him that I accepted I was not going to ever be able to drink again, and whats more I didn't bloody want to!

after which i went back to bed, the night was no better than the previous 2, sweats, headache, wakefulness.

But I feel great this morning, sat here eating toast and prepping for work,

cheers everyone

AoS

ArgentOfSilvae

So its day 4,

I slept relatively well last night, went up to bed around 12:30 but it took me a good hour to get to sleep, I only woke twice last night with sweats! and they were not half as bad as the ones of the previous evening. So to everyone having the same, take heart they dont last for ever! (at least i deduce that they will stop soon enough based on the reduction).

So I ended up with a good 9 hours, but damn am I tired this morning, I feel much like I did on days when I drank (at least the ones where the hangover wasnt so bad). My minds a little foggy and it feels like I have a headache coming on this morning.

But hell I feel Great!!!! 3 days sober is the longest Ive gone since February this year, when i did a little over a week, But it feels different this time somehow, It feels cleaner, if that makes any sense, perhaps its because I have finally accepted it.

---

I'm still struggling with concentrating on work, I have been at work (at my desk) for the last couple of days for the 8 hours I am supposed to be, but I spent most of that time either here or browsing the internet, or watching the tv. I think I managed 4 lines of code in 4 hours yesterday. I have a deadline of sunday to get this project out of the door, and its looking a little difficult if I cant get my act together over the next couple of days.

I find it so odd when I think about my productivity when I drank, I worked and got things done, I stop and I cant, I know its a temporary thing and I know that when I say 'Productivity when I drink' i really mean 'the bare minimum' so I am not getting hung up on this, If worse comes to worse ill force myself to sit in a dark room with no other external influence, to make sure i hit this deadline. Having said that ive spent the last two hours chatting crap about new tech with a co-worker...

AoS


** I should probably do these as blog posts rather than bumping a 'day one' thread, but this feels a little less formal **

dawnrunner

I am cheering for you!! I loved reading this whole thread this morning.

My experience was that once I quit drinking, there was a slow process of realizing how much I'd been giving away and how delusional I was about being 'functional'.

There was a time of fuzzy-headedness in the very first days, and I found I needed to keep lists and write everything down. But that passes.

To help your sleep, exercise is great. Runs, walks, bike rides, an aerobics or yoga class, whatever you can find to get those brain endorphins going.

And hurray for the regular meals, and for going to bed with your partner and being conscious! This is just the beginning of the beauty. It goes on and will dazzle you.

ArgentOfSilvae

Hi Dawnrunner,

Thanks for the support! You guys and gals here at SR have really helped me over the last few days.

Speaking of the fuzzy-headedness, I have just been to the shops to buy sugar, I even told my partner I was going to buy sugar, I came back with a whole load of things, none of which were sugar

Good idea on doing the list, todo lists have always been a problem for me, which is probably due to me being hungover most of the time, I think i'll start one now and try to make it work.

I didn't even think about exercise :P gotta get out of that lazy lounging about i guess,

again thanks for the support

AoS