"Social alcoholic"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 95
"Social alcoholic"
I had another black-out at a party last weekend. My first big bad black-out was earlier this year in March.
In both situations it wasnt my intention to black-out. In both situations I became aggressive, insane, said and did things I regret. And I only know of these things because others told me. I couldnt remember anything in the morning after.
I hurt myself physically in both situations, one falling on broken glass, another falling on the ground.
I'm in a lot of fear. I fear that one day I'll go to a party again, drink again, black-out again do something stupid and end up getting seriously hurt or even killed.
The thing is, if I stay alone I don't have a desire to drink. But in many social situations I feel a extreme urge to drink. Actually, if I don't drink, I don't want to be in these social situations at all, I'd rather stay home alone. I get extremely uncomfortable sober. I also drink too much to impress people, looks like I feel low when I see anyone drinking more than me.
I also have a big peer pressure to drink. The people who were at this party invited me to drink again today. They said I just need to "learn how to drink", to train more. One of the guys who told me this is a psychologist (nonpracticing).
To be honest, I don't ever wanna touch alcohol again. But this is going to mean the erasing of my old identity, my old-self. I have always been known as "the guy who drank a lot in high school" or "the guy that used to vomit in a lot of nights". It will mean getting rid of ALL my friends, as I see no point in hanging around them sober.
I just feel so weird. I feel like I'm not an alcoholic, but I also feel like I'm not a normal drinker. To me, an alcoholic is someone who is **** his pants just at the thought of spending ONE day sober. 95% of my drinking is confined to weekends, especially Fridays and Saturday nights. Who the hell doesn't drink in a Friday and Saturday night?
I just needed to vent a little...
Does anyone relate?
In both situations it wasnt my intention to black-out. In both situations I became aggressive, insane, said and did things I regret. And I only know of these things because others told me. I couldnt remember anything in the morning after.
I hurt myself physically in both situations, one falling on broken glass, another falling on the ground.
I'm in a lot of fear. I fear that one day I'll go to a party again, drink again, black-out again do something stupid and end up getting seriously hurt or even killed.
The thing is, if I stay alone I don't have a desire to drink. But in many social situations I feel a extreme urge to drink. Actually, if I don't drink, I don't want to be in these social situations at all, I'd rather stay home alone. I get extremely uncomfortable sober. I also drink too much to impress people, looks like I feel low when I see anyone drinking more than me.
I also have a big peer pressure to drink. The people who were at this party invited me to drink again today. They said I just need to "learn how to drink", to train more. One of the guys who told me this is a psychologist (nonpracticing).
To be honest, I don't ever wanna touch alcohol again. But this is going to mean the erasing of my old identity, my old-self. I have always been known as "the guy who drank a lot in high school" or "the guy that used to vomit in a lot of nights". It will mean getting rid of ALL my friends, as I see no point in hanging around them sober.
I just feel so weird. I feel like I'm not an alcoholic, but I also feel like I'm not a normal drinker. To me, an alcoholic is someone who is **** his pants just at the thought of spending ONE day sober. 95% of my drinking is confined to weekends, especially Fridays and Saturday nights. Who the hell doesn't drink in a Friday and Saturday night?
I just needed to vent a little...
Does anyone relate?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
One thing I know from life and from this board: there are as many ways to be an alcoholic as there are drinkers in this world.
Some are the stay-at-home, party of one types (my personal past), some binge-drink socially (sounds like you?), some drink upon awakening every day, others religiously wait until 5 or 6 p.m., some get up in the night for a "maintenance shot", etc.
Your blackouts sound very dangerous, and your friends esp. the psychologist sound dangerous too.
How much do you want to give to Mr. Alcohol? He is not a kind individual. He has already rolled you in broken glass and knocked you down, not to mention caused you to behave in ways that humiliate you later. He has more in store for you, and it does not get prettier.
Do you have anyone you trust, a doctor or counselor or family member, who could give you some support and listen? Take care of yourself. Best wishes for a safe and sane future.
Some are the stay-at-home, party of one types (my personal past), some binge-drink socially (sounds like you?), some drink upon awakening every day, others religiously wait until 5 or 6 p.m., some get up in the night for a "maintenance shot", etc.
Your blackouts sound very dangerous, and your friends esp. the psychologist sound dangerous too.
How much do you want to give to Mr. Alcohol? He is not a kind individual. He has already rolled you in broken glass and knocked you down, not to mention caused you to behave in ways that humiliate you later. He has more in store for you, and it does not get prettier.
Do you have anyone you trust, a doctor or counselor or family member, who could give you some support and listen? Take care of yourself. Best wishes for a safe and sane future.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by AndreTT
Who the hell doesn't drink in a Friday and Saturday night?
Originally Posted by AndreTT
I feel like I'm not an alcoholic, but I also feel like I'm not a normal drinker. To me, an alcoholic is someone who is **** his pants just at the thought of spending ONE day sober.
Good luck.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I can relate for sure. I was always a blackout drinker and I never became a daily drinker. I never intended for the blackouts to happen. I'm fairly certain no one does. The feeling of not remembering what you've done the night before is horrible.
Alcoholics come in many shapes and sizes. My definition of an alcoholic is someone who continues to drink in spite of negative consequences, such as black-outs & physically hurting themselves to name a few. Since alcoholism is a progressive these negative consequences are sure to become worse. Things like crapping your pants and spending time in prison or jail, and serious health problems or even death often come to alcoholics who continue to drink.
Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic. One thing you can try is to just not drink. Normal drinkers don't find that to be difficult. If you do, may be you've got a problem.
As far as feeling pressured into drinking.....my first thought is that true friends will not pressure you into anything you don't want to do. You say you don't ever want to touch it again. So don't. You don't have to lose your identity .... just the drunk part of it.
Do want to be forever known as "the guy who drinks and vomits a lot"?
Alcoholics come in many shapes and sizes. My definition of an alcoholic is someone who continues to drink in spite of negative consequences, such as black-outs & physically hurting themselves to name a few. Since alcoholism is a progressive these negative consequences are sure to become worse. Things like crapping your pants and spending time in prison or jail, and serious health problems or even death often come to alcoholics who continue to drink.
Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic. One thing you can try is to just not drink. Normal drinkers don't find that to be difficult. If you do, may be you've got a problem.
As far as feeling pressured into drinking.....my first thought is that true friends will not pressure you into anything you don't want to do. You say you don't ever want to touch it again. So don't. You don't have to lose your identity .... just the drunk part of it.
Do want to be forever known as "the guy who drinks and vomits a lot"?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Andre, it's never anyone's intention to black out. I "only" drank on the weekend for many years, and only drank with others during those years. I most always drank more than I intended and even when I didn't black out I still said and did things that I regretted and wouldn't have said or done had I been sober. Black outs generally tend to get more severe and more frequents as time goes on. My drinking eventually increased to drinking mostly alone and I blacked out most every time, but I was never a daily drinker and rarely drank 2 days in a row because I'd feel too ill but yes I needed to stop before the alcohol killed me or worse before I harmed someone else. Some of us just can't drink because of the way it affects us, just like some people can't eat certain foods do to allergies; it's difficult to accept but well worth it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
You don't believe you're an alcoholic because you don't feel as you imagine an alcoholic feels...hard to say much against that.
Can say that your descriptions of your actions and attitudes are identical to one's I also experienced drinking.
Be careful out there, blackouts can change your life anytime.
Can say that your descriptions of your actions and attitudes are identical to one's I also experienced drinking.
Be careful out there, blackouts can change your life anytime.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by dawnrunner 
How much do you want to give to Mr. Alcohol? He is not a kind individual. He has already rolled you in broken glass and knocked you down, not to mention caused you to behave in ways that humiliate you later. He has more in store for you, and it does not get prettier.
Do you have anyone you trust, a doctor or counselor or family member, who could give you some support and listen? Take care of yourself. Best wishes for a safe and sane future.
Do you have anyone you trust, a doctor or counselor or family member, who could give you some support and listen? Take care of yourself. Best wishes for a safe and sane future.
I think of going to an AA meeting that is close to my home. I actually went there just to look a few times, but I couldnt enter, so affraid.
Originally Posted by PaperDolls
Do want to be forever known as "the guy who drinks and vomits a lot"?
Originally Posted by langkah
Be careful out there, blackouts can change your life anytime.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Andre - AA can teach you about powerlessness and what you can do about it. There is a solution.
Most people I know, including myself, were very nervous about their first meeting. I can pretty much guarantee that you will be welcomed with open arms and will feel right at home. To be honest, I didn't love AA meetings at first, it took me a short time, but now I LOVE them. I've met some of the best people ever and with the tools the steps of AA has taught me, I'm happier than I've ever been.
The "mental twist" you feel is normal. It does eventually go away.
Most people I know, including myself, were very nervous about their first meeting. I can pretty much guarantee that you will be welcomed with open arms and will feel right at home. To be honest, I didn't love AA meetings at first, it took me a short time, but now I LOVE them. I've met some of the best people ever and with the tools the steps of AA has taught me, I'm happier than I've ever been.
The "mental twist" you feel is normal. It does eventually go away.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Andre - I defined myself by my drinking. My social life and my social circle were defined by drinking too.
To make the changes I needed to make was a monumental concept ...but I knew I could not live my old life one second longer. I couldn't stay sober living my old drunk's life.
so I changed my life - a lot of the old crew fell away...but I found new friends, reconnected with old ones, and found a lot of new things to do with my life that didn't involve falling over drunk and blacking out.
I didn't lose out on the deal
I know how scary the thought of change is...but don't let the fear stop you. It's possible...and I believe you'll look back and thank yourself
D
To make the changes I needed to make was a monumental concept ...but I knew I could not live my old life one second longer. I couldn't stay sober living my old drunk's life.
so I changed my life - a lot of the old crew fell away...but I found new friends, reconnected with old ones, and found a lot of new things to do with my life that didn't involve falling over drunk and blacking out.
I didn't lose out on the deal
I know how scary the thought of change is...but don't let the fear stop you. It's possible...and I believe you'll look back and thank yourself
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 73
Well I started out as a binge drinker. I wish I would have realized then that I had a problem. I turned into a daily drinker and went downhill fast. It's like playing Russian Roulette maybe it won't turn out so bad if you keep drinking and maybe it will. I wouldn't want to risk the chance of losing. I have hurt my family but mostly in the end I hurt myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Overseas... on the shore of an uncharted desert isle.
Posts: 254
I can relate to the OP's post:
I didn't drink every day either. And, as far as partial-blackouts and blackouts went, I didn't have them every time I drank - so my case might have been even "milder" than the OP.
Some people who drank with me occasionally never had the opportunity to see me the times I went overboard on the drinking - so naturally they were very confused to learn I had decided to completely stop drinking.
For a long time, I decided I was not an alcoholic. Alcoholics, I thought, were people compelled to drink every single day. Not me. Also, how could I be if I had plenty of times when I was able to drink 5-6 drinks and head home?
Aside from the hangovers getting worse, it was those 1 in 4 or 5 "episodes" that were worrying me. I figured that one day, I would awake to some real trouble - a drunk driving accident, a fight, or something similarly damaging and irreversible. The consequences would not be worth it. And, rather than be in some horrific situation where I was forced to quit - it was a lot easier to be the one to initiate it.
I didn't drink every day either. And, as far as partial-blackouts and blackouts went, I didn't have them every time I drank - so my case might have been even "milder" than the OP.
Some people who drank with me occasionally never had the opportunity to see me the times I went overboard on the drinking - so naturally they were very confused to learn I had decided to completely stop drinking.
For a long time, I decided I was not an alcoholic. Alcoholics, I thought, were people compelled to drink every single day. Not me. Also, how could I be if I had plenty of times when I was able to drink 5-6 drinks and head home?
Aside from the hangovers getting worse, it was those 1 in 4 or 5 "episodes" that were worrying me. I figured that one day, I would awake to some real trouble - a drunk driving accident, a fight, or something similarly damaging and irreversible. The consequences would not be worth it. And, rather than be in some horrific situation where I was forced to quit - it was a lot easier to be the one to initiate it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
social binge and blackout drinker saying hi.
but here's the funny thing: as I started AA, got a sponsor, and worked Step 1, i started to realize that i was drinking more often than i realized.
i realized i wasn't just drinking socially, but making attempts to, as your friend suggested "learn to drink" - deep down i've known i have an allergy to alcohol since high school. I have never been able to control the blackouts or the amount i drink - even when i was controlling it.
sure i had 2-drink maximums, but that was really hard! In the end i only drank wine - the fancier the wine, the more "normal" i believed i was. That's how much i wanted to be a normal drinker - i convinced myself that wine only (especially if it was expensive) was a sure sign of not being an alcoholic. So much for learning how to drink - an impossible task because as i know now, i have a diseasem - my blackouts continued off and on, i did and said terrible stuff when i blacked out, i was full of shame during every hangover. I hated it, and i kept doing it. ...and it wasn't until my "last drunk" - in which i did terrible terrible things in the middle of a blackout (and almost drove a car) that i woke up, and realized.... i don't want to do this at all, i can't, i'm going to die if i keep doing this - socially or antisocially.
my "last drunk" was a social event, too. it led me to a 6 hour long blackout and a long list of terrible things i did - friends i grossed out, the love of my life who i pushed away by doing terrible things, and of course all the damage i did to myself and the extreme damaging pain i caused someone i love.
looking backwards, i now realize this has been the way i've been drinking since i took my first drink. my first social-drinking blackout was when i was 16. I even once threw up in the back of my car (at age 17) and thought it made me...cool.
when i look back with honesty i can tell you wholeheartedly i never felt good about any of that. I never felt cool. i always felt shame, with every drink. It was no way to live.
today i have 66 days of sobriety and for that i am grateful but also....for the first time in my life i no longer want to die.
until recovery, my default reaction to the world was wanting to die. i do not feel that way today and if i do (or when i do) i have a set of tools to bust out and use, and it feels so much better to use those tools instead of trying so so so hard to fit in by drinking wine and blacking out.
sorry to ramble - it's just that i really really really relate. I get pressure to drink, too. Since sobriety one of my friends (who knows i've quit drinking) begged me to try her wine. she even held it up to my nose and said "smell it smell it"
boy that was hard! but because i had already started my program, i had a suggestion from my sponsor and i used it. I went into the bathroom and....called her. that was my only means of survival during my first week. and still it worked, and i went to bed sober, woke up the next morning sober, not shameful, but aware - without wondering how i got there.
hope this was of some help. like i said, i really relate, and i'm definitely alcoholic.
:ghug3
but here's the funny thing: as I started AA, got a sponsor, and worked Step 1, i started to realize that i was drinking more often than i realized.
i realized i wasn't just drinking socially, but making attempts to, as your friend suggested "learn to drink" - deep down i've known i have an allergy to alcohol since high school. I have never been able to control the blackouts or the amount i drink - even when i was controlling it.
sure i had 2-drink maximums, but that was really hard! In the end i only drank wine - the fancier the wine, the more "normal" i believed i was. That's how much i wanted to be a normal drinker - i convinced myself that wine only (especially if it was expensive) was a sure sign of not being an alcoholic. So much for learning how to drink - an impossible task because as i know now, i have a diseasem - my blackouts continued off and on, i did and said terrible stuff when i blacked out, i was full of shame during every hangover. I hated it, and i kept doing it. ...and it wasn't until my "last drunk" - in which i did terrible terrible things in the middle of a blackout (and almost drove a car) that i woke up, and realized.... i don't want to do this at all, i can't, i'm going to die if i keep doing this - socially or antisocially.
my "last drunk" was a social event, too. it led me to a 6 hour long blackout and a long list of terrible things i did - friends i grossed out, the love of my life who i pushed away by doing terrible things, and of course all the damage i did to myself and the extreme damaging pain i caused someone i love.
looking backwards, i now realize this has been the way i've been drinking since i took my first drink. my first social-drinking blackout was when i was 16. I even once threw up in the back of my car (at age 17) and thought it made me...cool.
when i look back with honesty i can tell you wholeheartedly i never felt good about any of that. I never felt cool. i always felt shame, with every drink. It was no way to live.
today i have 66 days of sobriety and for that i am grateful but also....for the first time in my life i no longer want to die.
until recovery, my default reaction to the world was wanting to die. i do not feel that way today and if i do (or when i do) i have a set of tools to bust out and use, and it feels so much better to use those tools instead of trying so so so hard to fit in by drinking wine and blacking out.
sorry to ramble - it's just that i really really really relate. I get pressure to drink, too. Since sobriety one of my friends (who knows i've quit drinking) begged me to try her wine. she even held it up to my nose and said "smell it smell it"
boy that was hard! but because i had already started my program, i had a suggestion from my sponsor and i used it. I went into the bathroom and....called her. that was my only means of survival during my first week. and still it worked, and i went to bed sober, woke up the next morning sober, not shameful, but aware - without wondering how i got there.
hope this was of some help. like i said, i really relate, and i'm definitely alcoholic.
:ghug3
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