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A Monster of a Winter

Old 10-14-2011, 06:47 AM
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A Monster of a Winter

I'm having a bit of a mental dilemma about the next four months of my life. The fact is, it's going to be incredibly stressful, taxing, emotional, depressing and draining. I don't want to keep alcohol in the equation as my "mock coping skill" but at the same time I'm about 99% sure that I'll be battling drinking and abstaining days throughout it.

Why it will be so stressful is that I have to run the graphics department for the company I work for on my own because our senior graphic designer will be on maternity leave...and literally, there is too much work for one person. And if it were just a lot of work, that'd be okay but the job includes stuff that my personality just can't handle. Business travel to visit higher ups that speak French and yesterday I had to scream over one of our salesguys on a conference call because he was accusing me of ignoring his email when I'd simply just forgotten it. I have a very hard time dealing with confrontation like this and the next 4 months will be ALL confrontation.

Second part of my monster winter is seasonal depression. I go into a "winter coma" in January and February and then start acting irrationally from March-April, not settling down until May. This was where I lost my 8 months of sobriety last year.

I feel like maybe all I can do is try my best. Meaning use my RPOC (recovery program of choice)...I can make my own acronyms too addiction recovery world! lol I'll be using SMART. Not to say that's right or wrong for anyone else, but that's what I feel is right for me.

I feel like I'm dumb to even TRY getting sober during this time but also, I hate being alcohol dependent, I freaking hate it to pieces! I don't want to wait until things settle down in the spring.

I don't know what to do really; I guess I have to try to stay sober through what I can but if I do drink, I should just learn from it and try to stay sober again. Who knows, maybe I'll learn how to get screamed at and then not go drink. lol
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by AprilMay1895 View Post
I don't know what to do really; I guess I have to try to stay sober through what I can but if I do drink, I should just learn from it and try to stay sober again. Who knows, maybe I'll learn how to get screamed at and then not go drink. lol
Give yourself credit. You know what to do, you know what you have to do.

"How" is always going to be difficult for all of us, especially as it is very easy to operate a corkscrew.

I have a friend who lives in Alaska and has a similar problem wih the winter...except thier winter is almost 6 months She went to a doc for help. It is not a crime to admit you need help. Maybe you need some to learn how to get through this time of year?
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:18 AM
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You'll do better sober. Stop projecting and giving excuses...

Try at least slowing down the drinking.

Best wishes!
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:27 AM
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Yeah I know what I need to do. And I should probably see a doc about getting being put on a higher dose.

I just am a smidge of a perfectionist and I hate knowing that I'll most likely fail at staying sober through this period. Better kick the all or nothing to the curb and just work on improvement.
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:28 AM
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I think you need to change your attitude, first instead of "abstaining" and "giving up" alcohol you need to think of it more as quitting alcohol, throwing away that unneccessary crutch; and 2nd don't think of excuses for why you might drink remind yourself how much easier all of that 'stress' will be to handle w/o having to deal with hangovers or needing a drink. Holidays are difficult and stressful for many people and many of them deal with it w/o drinking. 5 months after I got sober my mother passed away, I didn't think I could deal with traveling and sitting with her and my family for 4 days before she died then having the funeral...no one in my family thought I could deal with it either. But I surprised everyone including myself by calmly dealing with everything and being about the strongest person there all w/o a drop of poison. You can get through tough times w/o a crutch and it will make you stronger.
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:36 AM
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Originally Posted by AprilMay1895 View Post
I don't know what to do really; I guess I have to try to stay sober through what I can but if I do drink, I should just learn from it and try to stay sober again. Who knows, maybe I'll learn how to get screamed at and then not go drink. lol
Now that's a plan for drinking if I ever heard one!

How will drinking make the situation better?
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:40 AM
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Yes, I know I'm not exactly being a genius here. lol

Well, here's the thing. I've had to cover for the senior designer before and I did a great job but I also came home and drank every night.

Maybe what the real issue is, is that I don't think I can do this again without drinking again. And yeah, maybe that sounds like I think drinking leads to success...that certainly isn't right either. lol But that's how I coped last time and they fricking gave me a lunch party in thanks for the good work and then they hired me on full time. lol
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:48 AM
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dont drink. keep a simple attitude and calm your thoughts. your thinking way too much and for an alcoholic like me...thats a danger zone!! you only have one day at a time anyway why waiste it on thinking a bout the next 4 months. every minute your living in the future your missing out on living for today.

and yes, being sober would work so much better during ANY time of stress.
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:50 AM
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Here's the deal April ..... as alcoholics, that's how we "cope" with evertyhing. I didn't know any other way. The fact of the matter was I was not coping. Not even a little bit. I was living in this fantasy world that told me "If you had this tough job and depression and stress, you would drink too. I deserve these drinks."

REALITY: I was miserable and I was slowly killing myself.

No one said quitting drinking would be easy but it IS possible. May be instead of looking at the next five months and convincing yourself you can't get through it, you should consider taking it a day at a time, or a second at a time.

Also, consider talking with your boss/manager about getting some extra help during your co-workers maternity leave. In my opinion it's better to say upfront that you'll need some help than to let your work suffer.
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:55 AM
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Actually, even though you do not think so at the moment, you will DO A MUCH BETTER JOB than before WITHOUT ALCOHOL MUDDLING UP YOUR BRAIN.

Please stay IN TODAY. Do everything on your plate FOR TODAY. Then tomorrow do the same thing again.

Come here and post as often as you need to, be it during the day or when you get home at night.

Please go to the nearest store that carries light bulbs and pick yourself up some of those "Sunlight" bulbs and put them in the lamps in your home, the one that is where you sit the most, the light next to your bed, etc. Believe it or not THEY DO HELP TREMENDOUSLY with the 'winter doldrums'.

I have several friends that live in the far northern hemisphere, Alaska, Norway, Sweden, Finland, etc and they swear by the bulbs. Those light bulbs have made a HUGE DIFFERENCE in their 'winter moods.'

If you find that the light bulbs are not doing enough, then seek some help from your doctor.

I have to tell you, that you are doing what most of us do, and yes even as long as I have been sober I can still do it, if I allow myself:

AWFULIZING

And I can drive myself crazy. So I get back to TODAY. What is on my plate for today? Prioritize those items, and just do those. Now that is not to say that something may come up that will need to be 'handled' for tomorrow or the next day, or the next day, and that will go at the top of the list for that day.

Something else that can help is to visualize all of us in whatever room you are in. We may not be with you in person, but we are walking with you in spirit. It will help, to see in your mind that we are all there with you.

Love and hugs,
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Old 10-14-2011, 08:03 AM
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Thanks Laurie, that helped a lot. I am awfulizing the crap out of the situation. And the only way I'm going to get through this is if I focus on the day at hand and not the future of possibilities and worries, you're all right. That last part helped a lot too Laurie...I was just trying to find a way to delete my whole profile off of here because I sound like an idiot making excuses to do something that ruins my life...but I need to stick it out and get support. Really, this forum site is the closest form of support I have. If I leave I have nada...unless I go see a counselor.
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Old 10-14-2011, 08:09 AM
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You're not an idiot .... you're an alcoholic. I know that's how my brain works. I still think sometimes a drink would do me good. It happens less often now and the thoughts don't last as long but it still happens.

It'll get better!
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Old 10-14-2011, 09:58 AM
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I feel like I'm dumb to even TRY getting sober during this time

You would be dumb not to.

If you think your life is going to be very challenging the next few months, adding alcohol to your life will make it completely overwhelming.

And if you are the only one in your department and things aren't getting done because you are hungover or whatever, do you really think your employer is not going to notice?
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Old 10-14-2011, 10:11 AM
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i found winter annoying when drunk ,but somewhat peaceful and cozy when sober! of course i am not in Wisconsin , but even in KC it can can brutal or dreary! When gainfully sober, i found most things in my life tolerable and took on more of a laid back attitude rather than battling work, traffic , anything!
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Old 10-14-2011, 10:40 AM
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Yep, I have one baaaaddd attitude for winter. Just ask my Facebook friends. haha I imagine it will be better sober...I think everything is easier when you're not hungover. lol
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Old 10-14-2011, 10:42 AM
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I hear ya on the SAD. When it is grey all day and gets dark at like 4:30 in the afternoon, I feel like crawling into a cave (with a bottle).

My Doc recommended something that totally blew SAD away for me a few years ago, and it is a true lifeline - Pure Spectrum lighting.

He recommended I sit in front of it for 30 minutes every morning, so I use it for putting on makeup (added bonus - its a pure light and helps with that).

You can google Full Spectrum for the wiki page about the technology and host of options and manufacturers. I found one to sit on my countertop here:

Full Spectrum Lighting and Light Therapy
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Old 10-14-2011, 10:52 AM
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I did leave my career path of many years to protect my early fragile sobriety. .
I tried to keep it for 4 years but I kept drinking off and on.

I took an office position...less money less stress ..regular hours

not suggesting anyone do the same...I'm only saying it was necessary for me..worked out great....
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Old 10-14-2011, 11:17 AM
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Unhappy

I agree work related issues both personal and performance based are easy triggers I know that all too well
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Old 10-14-2011, 11:20 AM
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I strongly second the recommendation for phototherapy. It made a world of difference to my younger son in our long winters. 30 minutes every morning while he drinks a cup of coffee and surfs the internet - voila! Cheerful and upbeat all winter long, where before he could be like a grumpy bear.

And as far as the work goes, make a plan for dealing with overloads, and see if you can distribute the travel to other members of the team. They might be thrilled to pick up some of that for you.

Stay sane, stay healthy, stay happy.
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by AprilMay1895 View Post
I feel like I'm dumb to even TRY getting sober during this time but also, I hate being alcohol dependent, I freaking hate it to pieces! I don't want to wait until things settle down in the spring.
On the contrary. The best time to try and quit is when things are at their "worst," because if you can hack that, when things are good you won't have any problem.

Originally Posted by AprilMay1895 View Post
Second part of my monster winter is seasonal depression. I go into a "winter coma" in January and February and then start acting irrationally from March-April, not settling down until May. This was where I lost my 8 months of sobriety last year.
Some people do go on a low dose of anti-depressants temporarily in the winter for SAD. If this has happened to you before, perhaps that is something you might want to discuss with a psychiatrist.

Originally Posted by AprilMay1895 View Post
I don't know what to do really; I guess I have to try to stay sober through what I can but if I do drink, I should just learn from it and try to stay sober again.
Careful there. It sounds like you are planning a little personal party under cover of a "learning" experience. Pure Addictive Voice.
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