OceanSize

she has been my "partner in crime" (sometimes and often literally) since college - for 20 years.

recently she stayed in the bay area for 3 months, and that's of course when i was able to concoct every excuse known to man about why i should be drinking. When she got here, i quickly became a daily drinker. with her and without her.

We slowly started to argue - she was hanging out with a new drug buddy. she cheated on her husband, filed for divorce, and cheated on the new guy too. I cheered her on and wanted to do the same stuff. but actually didn't want to do the same stuff.

i wanted her to like me. i wanted a partner in crime. an excuse to be a screw up in life. her presence was an easy excuse b/c i had a partner.

i told her i loved her, but i didn't feel love from her, and i didn't feel as though i trusted her at all. I was secretly angry at her, resentful too (i guess i will definitely be doing a step four around her haha).

One time a few years ago, about 4 years ago, she slept with a guy i was dating. Granted, i didn't like him - but she was married at the time! and they did it in my bed!

i forgave her, but maybe i didn't.


Anyway...she lived here over this past summer and I was grosser than ever. i was just as much a friggin drunk as i had been in college.

I thought backwards: My boyfriend in college (now my ex husband) didn't like her. My current boyfriend doesn't like her. I thought backwards again and remembered that the men in my life, regardless of their own cr4p, have generally not liked when i hang out with her. I almost always came home in a blackout.

Well, now shes moving to the bay area permanently. She emailed today and lo and behold.....

We got in an argument over email.

She was rude - and - here's my confession

I was terribly rude back. I did not use the tools. I justified my action and i feel justified resentment. I'm sitting here in a cafe, trying to get some work done but i feel like i just seriously acted out.

I want her out of my life, that is for sure - she is not someone i want in my life. i really feel that way. But i didn't do it right. I was really reactionary and i need to come clean.

i even wrote in all caps. ugh!

however, i'm not feeling remorseful about the faux friendship being at its end. just feeling screwy about the way i did it.

can anyone relate? what is the best way to deal with the fact that i screwed up? i am not drinking but it feels like a relapse, but then again i'm only 57 days sober. so is it?
am i being hard on myself?

what happens when we freak out on the drinking buddies we want to let go?

Animal454

Sounds like you are being a tad hard on yourself but if you truly do not want that person in your life just leave it as is. If you waiver (seem to waiver) it might be counter productive and opens the doors for you to go back down that road again.

Stop beating yourself up..Sometimes our knee jerk reactions are the correct ones.

Best of luck..

CarolD

It's never wrong when you are taking better care of your future..IMO
Yes...a mini 4th is a good idea around the situation.

Like lovers....some friendships are not worth keeping.

well done on your sober time.....

Boleo

I agree with Animal454. Someday you may have to make a amends for this, but for the next few months, it is more important to stay away from wet places and wet faces (specially this wet face).

eJoshua

I agree, sounds like a toxic relationship so it's best to cut ties until the right time and place (if that ever comes)

OceanSize

update:

she's written me 4 different apology emails - none of them are soothing but i know she is ill. each email is very long, and confesses the same sentence repeatedly; she writes: "my life is so effed up i don't know what to do"

i responded by telling her i care for her, and that i hope she feels better. and i do - but i can't talk to her until she is getting help.

thanks all for so much support - i heart SR!

Boleo

If you do decide to help her, go visit her with an experienced sober companion and treat it like a formal 12th step call. Else she might drag you into her world.

bellakeller

Sometimes we are so loyal we end up throwing ourselves under the bus in order to stay that way. You should be proud that you took this hard step to protect yourself. You are worth it.

Please take care of yourself.

Much love.

feralheart

I totally totally get that feeling of it being like a relapse when you lose your temper, even though you haven't had a drink and may be nowhere near a drink.

I lost my temper with my mother the other day and I hated the way I handled it. After I calmed down I apologized for my inappropriate behavior but made it clear what I was unhappy about (not in a way that excused my behavior, but I feel like I have been so submissive my whole life I just let people walk on me, and I want to make clearer boundaries now in a reasonable and measured fashion).

Since it seems like it's best for you to cut off or cut back on contact with this friend, maybe you could write her a letter (and not send it) where you apologize for the way your handled the situation while still making your feelings clear. Anytime I get upset now I do tons of journaling about why I am upset and brainstorm the best ways to handle it and I've learned a lot about myself by doing that.