whenartdeparts

hey i don't know how many of you remember me, bu those that do, know i kind of "disappeared"for a while.
as you can guess, a lot of wrong things happened while i was away. first of all, i decided to try out "moderate drinking"....you can imagine what havoc this decision caused. then my anxiety went through the roof, i went to see my GP and he prescribed me with an antidepressant. i swear the second day of taking my med something went KABOOM in my head lol i dumped my boyfriend of two and a half years (he was a negative influence anyway) and entered an amazingly rotten black hole. drinking while taking antidepressants, and taking more than the prescribed dose ultimately caused a lot of damage. not to mention, i started using cocaine (i have had my moments with coke before, but this time it was a slightly different level of abuse). eventually, i tried to take my own life twice. and you know what i did afterwards? i decided i needed a "change"so without warning anyone, i one day left on a train to Paris, France. I decided to call it my "trip of sobriety", but it turned into my "trip of self-destruction"" as soon as i was on that train, ordering beer, wine, martini. i spent a week in France, 6 days in Paris, 1 day in Nantes. And not even gonna tell you the crazy **** I did in Paris since I managed to meet some girl with a hardcore coke addiction and become friends with her. But when I was in Nantes...and in Nantes there is this big castle surrounded by some ******* tall walls....so around 3 a.m. I decided I was not going to sleep at my hotel but I was going to sleep in the castle. they lock the gates at night so i was standing on top of one of the walls, thinking of jumping so that i could sleep in the god damn castle. THANK GOD some boys were passing by and asked me what exactly i was doing. then we hung around for a bit and they took be back to my hotel safely, without raping me haha somehow, i made it back to england in one piece. but then again, i spent the following months in between sobriety and benders. the last month i actually spent completely sober until one day i decided to give "moderate drinking"one more shot, pun intended. and yeah, you can guess what happened. so i've now decided to check myself into a rehab, this saturday to be precise. i realised i could not achieve lasting sobriety by myself. i have also been treated by therapists, multiple therapists, but what i probably need is some inpatient treatment. i'm even going to a rehab country in a different country, this is how far i am willing to go to save my skin. please, wish me luck because to be honest, when one is faced with defeat, defeat by alcohol, time and time again, one is not a happy puppy. then again, i suppose i had one victory - a victory over myself. because i already knew i had a problem but i was not ready to admit this problem (or any another) could possibly be bigger than me, that it had tools i did not possess and i needed help from the outside, and i needed to forget that belief of mine that i knew everything and could do anything and leave myself in the hands of medical specialists and, quite possibly, God.

Zebra1275

I remember you. Welcome back and best wishes for a successful rehab. Come back and tell us about it when you get out.

omegasupreme

It's been a bit little sister...is it possible that "you" were not "deciding" to take any of those drinks?

least

I remember you also. All the best to you in your rehab experience.

Itchy

Wow! I got tired just reading all that. Not because of length but how much energy you used trying to run away. This time it is with a destination in mind, good for you.

CarolD

Welcome back....good to know you are going for assistance...

artsoul

Welcome back - it's great to hear that you're going to treatment and getting sober again. It's perfectly OK for us to admit we need help. I hope this is the positive change you're seeking........

LaFemme

Welcome back! Sending positive thoughts and prayers for you as you go to rehab!

Dee74

Welcome back whenartdeparts

I'm really sorry you had to go through all that but I hope that you can make this your turning point

D

whenartdeparts

thank you all i am really gonna work hard on my recovery this time. will let you know how i am doing post-rehab. i think i finally have the right mindset to achieve lasting sobriety. and once i am out of rehab, i will finally start attending AA meetings because it has become obvious to me they work take care!

eJoshua

Welcome back! Rehab was just the catalyst I needed to get sober, and I hope you find the same success that I did.

It was very hard and I wanted to leave almost every day for the first two weeks, but if you stick it out it's totally worth it.

whenartdeparts

hey, guys. i never checked into rehab... it turns out that the place my therapist was sending me to was a clean/sober living community (in Croatia to be precise lol). It was run by a Catholic church, no doctors around, just the occasional nun. Posters with prayers in *Italian* all over the place, pictures of the Pope and what not. They barely knew English. Most of the girls who lived in the community have been there for 4-7 YEARS. Their main activity is growing corn and taking care of farm animals. And how could I forget - praying. Moreover, no one was there due to alcoholism, I am not being judgemental but they were all clean heroin addicts. No addiction is better than the other one but I think alcoholism is quite specific and I would have prefered to be in a place where people knew what I was going through from experience.
Needless to say, the prospect of staying in a place like that, for ******* YEARS, seemed absurd to me. The girls there had substituted one illusion with another. They substituted the reality drugs created with the equally delusional reality that such a closed, religion-centred community provides. I'm sorry but this is not real life. And how on Earth do you re-enter society afterwards? Some of these people hadn't even finished high school, they just closed themselves for the world and entered a "safe space".
Anyway.
I am now 3 weeks sober and even though I am opposed to Christianity, for example, I am working on connecting with my HP, whatever this HP means to me. It finally hit me how important spirituality is in recovery. I think this was what was missing the last time I tried to quit.
I have also been reading a lot of literature, spirituality-based and recovery-based, Under the Influence was particularly helpful. Oh, finally read The Big Book too. So I would like to think I am taking a step forward in my recovery.
Thanks for reading and have a nice day

Dee74

sorry the place never worked out for you, but I'm glad to you're still committed to keeping sober and moving forward in your recovery

Apart from reading, have you any other plans for support tho?

Reading's great but for a long time I thought reading was action - sadly I found out that was not the case for me.

D

whenartdeparts

I have been postponing attending an AA meeting for ages now...Maybe I should finally go. I suppose this is my plan.
Apart from that, I am seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist. The first takes care of my prescription meds, the second listens to me rant basically....and psycho-analyses me.
Been meditating a lot, too. And even though I haven't been to an AA meeting yet, I am trying to work the steps on my own.
That's about it.

Zebra1275

Sorry your rehab option didn't work out but glad to hear that you've got some sober time. I think you realize that you don't need to be religious to go to AA, so don't let that keep you from going. Working the steps by yourself is harder, it's better to have a guide (sponsor). One thing about AA that really helps me is the fellowship of the group and the people I've met.

Anna

I hope that you find something that works for you.

Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

sugarbear1

Stop working the steps alone. There's so much more to them than what is written. That's an overview. The big book is a textbook meant to be studied with others who have been taught. Stop playing with your life, get to a meeting and work the steps with someone who knows the big book text. Please help yourself by getting to a variety of meetings.

If you work the steps off the wall (as written) you get an off the wall program!

Sudz No More

I think you are on the right track Art. Just remind yourself every time you get weak from cravings how bad you hate the aftermath. Many people here believe that programs are the only way and for many it is the way. For others though, it is possible to build a great and sober life without the need for group intervention.

Just remember things like H.A.L.T every time you get the impulse to drink. The farther along you get without drinking the easier it will be. Come here and let out your frustrations.

Keep up the good work, and congratulations on three weeks. That is a great accomplishment.

whenartdeparts

To be 100% honest with you, I am trying to establish something like my own program for recovery. It might sound foolish and irresponsible, but I really am trying to design such a thing. After all, who knows me better than myself? I have "studied" my cravings and relapses and I also have established what brings me "peace" and distracts me from taking upon the path of self-destruction.
I realise that AA works, I will give it a shot but I'm not sure I'll like it. We'll see...
Here is what makes me dislike AA:
1. The group aspect of it.... I'm not a very sociable animal. Also - in reality, I do not like sharing my experiences with others. I have no problem *writing* about them but speaking out loud....well, it's a completely different story.
2. I am a firm believer in self-esteem and self-confidence. Not egocentrism....Just confidence. And I don't think this would be much appreciated by the AA community.
Just being honest.

suki44883

Many of us figured out our own way to recovery. It isn't irresponsible or foolish. I tried AA and, like you, had trouble with the social aspect of it. I'm a very private person too. If you are completely honest with yourself, and have it set firmly in your mind that you will never drink again, then you can succeed.

There is an AVRT thread somewhere around here that you might find useful. Good luck! Stick around and let us know how you're doing. We're here to support you.