Reset

Not sure what the point is exactly but I wanted to tell you all this.

The other night I was talking with my wife about an annual event that I used to attend with some friends. It was a weekend away for the guys and involved lots and lots of drinking and weed.

I was going to say no if invited, but I didn't get invited this year. Ok that stung a little but whatever.

But my wife said, "well it's probably good that they didn't call you because that way you don't have to explain why you're not going."

Hmmmm. Really?

It occurred to me that she thinks the whole quitting thing is something that needs to be hidden, as if there's something to be ashamed about for getting to the point where you have to stop drinking.

I've also noticed that in some situations, a brief uncomfortable silence follows when I tell people I don't drink or stopped drinking.


But I feel great about finally overcoming the hurdle and I am liking my new life very much. Why should I be ashamed? Yeah I made mistakes but that's water under the bridge. Life is good now and that's what counts.


Anyway this is just rambling since I don't have many other outlets, but maybe some of you have had similar experiences.

xxzzfile

I tell people I'm allergic to alcohol which is actually true. Therefore I cannot drink any at all. People seem to accept that explanation better than "I'm a chronic alcoholic. If I drink there will be police involved at some point"

CarolD

I was so thrilled when I finally quit...I told everyone ..probably the mail carrier too....

If anyone was disinterested.....I took no notice. I simply knew I was doing something healthy

Yes....you do know...forward is the correct direction...keep moving..

dawnrunner

"It occurred to me that she thinks the whole quitting thing is something that needs to be hidden, as if there's something to be ashamed about for getting to the point where you have to stop drinking."

In my experience, the ex-drinker or alcoholic/addict sets the tone for the social reception of the new life. The partners and friends will mince around and tiptoe unless you say right out loud Hell No I Don't Drink Any More; Yes that is what I said. And be prepared to have some people say Dang, i need to quit too.

The clearer you are, the more the loved ones will know how to say it and live it.

Terminally Unique

Did you even want to go?

As for telling people, I never actually had to tell anyone. They would usually ask me... "hey, I noticed you're not drunk all the time, you don't look like **** anymore, and you look ten year younger. Did you finally quit?"

Reset

Nope I didn't want to go at all. That's the funny thing, I was kind of looking forward to telling them I quit.

BryanS

The old crowd is long gone now so it's no longer an issue (they all knew I was alcoholic anyway). I do remember when they stopped inviting me though --- I liked it better when I was asked and could refuse, I guess I still wanted to be considered one of the guys.
These days if offered a drink I simply say "no thanks" and if asked why (very rare, few people are that nosey) I just say "it doesn't agree with me". That works well enough, probably because I don't hang around with heavy drinkers any more.

LifeBlows

Good for you for having that perspective of not being ashamed of quitting. Perhaps they were worried that if they did ask you and you came and relapsed other people would hold them partially responsible.

horsekisses

This is only my second day not to drink so I'm not ready to tell anyone. Will fill better I think after I make it through the weekend alcohol free. But I have already wondered how my trail riding buddies will take it, and if they will invite me. We all drink around the camp fire. I'm sure I can find new trail buds if I have to.

bmwcycle

Think maybe the snub stung a little more than you are saying? It happened to me when I wasn't invited on the annual golf trip with the boys. It effected me more than I understood at the time. It is nice to be asked, even if you have no intention of going.

Reset

Yeah it bothered me, no question about it. I'd been going on this trip for almost 10 years. What bothered me most was the sinking feeling that I did something on the last trip that was bad enough to get me uninvited.

But the trip wasn't really the point of the story. What I was focusing on more was the idea that my situation (or whatever you want to call it) makes some people uncomfortable, and even makes my wife think it's something that might embarrass me. Or it might embarrass her.

It's just weird how there's so much stigma associated with recovery for some people when I really want them to know that this change has been awesome.
I guess it's something you don't understand unless you go through it.

bmwcycle

Not sure if embarrass is the correct word, confused, apprehensive or taken back might be more accurate.

As you mentioned you have been going on this trip for over 10 years, with the same friends that I am sure they has grow accustom to your past drinking lifestyle. This is as new to them as it is to you. It will take time for them to understand and become familiar with the new you. Maybe they heard that you had stopped and did not invite you out of concern that you might be tempted etc..

I felt the same way and sometimes still do. At first I didn't want to talk about it with others in detail. I just said I stopped drinking, and left it at that. I was very concerned about what my friends would say or think and that I would lose them. Recently a good friend confide in me that he was afraid I would quit being his friend when I stopped drinking and was glad that I had not and that I look and seem much better now!! I was shocked that we were both feeling the same way.

I have lost touch with most of my drinking buddies that I had nothing more in common with other than drinking. My close friends are still very close and are proud of me, it it feels great. It takes time and honesty on both sides.

As for you wife, you think she just doesn't want you to have to go through the pain and uneasiness of having to tell your buddies why you weren't going?

Anyway wishing you the best, Good Luck

Zebra1275

I was going to say no if invited, but I didn't get invited this year. Ok that stung a little but whatever.

This looks like a blessing in disguise.

Frustriert

I still feel a lot of shame about being an alcoholic. Shame of my actions, shame of succumbing to this, shame of becoming an addict.

I read all the stuff about it being a disease, can't help it, yada yada. Doesn't connect with my feelings though. So I'm embarrassed about it. I can feel your wife's reluctance to be open about it.