SparklingSeven

Hi Guys,

I don't post that much as I don't really feel I have a lot of use to say. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am at the moment - just over 20 months sober. I am 43 and since the age of 26 I have been in and out of AA and while I feel I have gained a lot, for a number of reasons it's not for me. Soberrecovery is my only contact with others like me. Like I said I don't post much, but I am on a couple of times a day.

The last few weeks I now realise I have been in a dangerous place inside my head. Fantasizing about drinking again. I'm aware of the play-the-tape-to-the-end method which I have used well over the preceeding months, but this thing is a bit more powerful than normal. I'll give you an idea of my thought processes...

Talking to myself..."go on man, just have a drink. Think how good it will be, even if only for a couple of weeks or a month, no real harm done. Once it gets messy you can stop again, no big deal, you've stopped loads of times before...etc."

Problem is last time I started again after 6 weeks I had had enough and it took me 18 months to get off it again, with all the troubles and worries that entailed. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW I am alcoholic and can never drink safely again. My crazy alkie mind is telling me to have one last go and that it's worth the risk.

I know this is utter nonsense but it's only this morning that I've realised that this is what I have been thinking and it's a bit of a shock. I wanted to post about it as things always look much clearer when you get them out of your head and share with others, but also to ask others if they have had similar thoughts at this stage? Suppose I am hoping that I am not on some slippery slope.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Stu.

Boleo

Playing the tape to the end was one of many psychological tricks&tips I used for managing my abstinence ODAAT. I picked up a lot of 30 token chips that way, but always felt like I was walking a tight-rope ODAAT. Sobriety sucked under those conditions.

There would always come a time when the suffering of not-drinking seemed worse than the consequences of actively drinking and I would drink again just to get some relief from the suffering of managed abstinence. In other words, my type of alcoholism was a "bit more powerful than normal".

When I finally had a spiritual awakening as the result of practicing spiritual principles (not psychological principles). I felt as if I had been liberated from ALL of the suffering that made it necessary to drink in the first place. When the suffering stopped - the drinking automatically stopped as well.

24hrsAday

yep.. that sounds VERY Similar to myself many times in the past Stu. it IS a Danger Sign for sure IMHO. i like A.A. for the fellowship.. there are always folks around who Understand. you might want to think about giving it another chance. what have you got to lose?

CarolD

sorry to know of these recent low places ..

Have you considered useing SMART?

sugarbear1

Glad you're here & sharing. Try working the 12 steps!

foodie1

What is SMART please and thank you?

NYCDoglvr

The fellowship of AA helped me get -- and stay -- sober. I needed the support of people who thought just as I did, a safe place where I could open up and be honest. What works is this: don't drink TODAY. Remember, no one has to drink, a revelation to me when I put the bottle down.

SparklingSeven

I have been thinking about giving AA another go - primarily for the fellowship aspect and being able to speak to real people. My biggest problem is that I have full-blown Tourette's syndrome and shout a lot of stuff that can be offensive. People can take it personally although I can't help it. I will take a look at Smart though.

I have let my spiritual side lapse a little last few weeks which is never helpful so I have made the effort to get back on track with that today. Thanks all for your help!

Stu.

stugotz

Whew! Been there, done that Brother. No one was better at co-signing my own bull$hit than me. Its like coming out of the worst movie ever and getting right back on line to pay another 8 bucks to see it again. For me diving right in with a good group of sober people and staying there really helped. Good luck and God bless.

xxzzfile

I had to eventually get on Antabuse taking the option to drink away. 2 1/2 years later it seems to be my thing.

CarolD

foodie1....HERE IS THE INFO ABOUT smart ...


SMART Recovery® | Self Help for Addiction & Alcohol Abuse

I do use AA for my sucessful recovery from alcoholism....but did a bit of SMART for another issue.
I suggested it because Chops is already sober..so perhaps would be interested...

Miela

Having a tough time on Day 4 this evening but that line just made such a difference!! Thanks Stugotz

ChopperTS, hope ur doing OK today.

M

SparklingSeven

Hey Miela,

Good for you - hang in there!