married10

I am not the A my husband is....maybe I am wrong, and I am okay with it if I am, maybe my thinking/feelings are right...

When an A is in recovery for say....do you still lie, to yourself, to others?

Does court appointed therapy do the same for a person whom voluntarily goes to therapy?

Does 6 months of therapy (only attending once or twice a month) do the trick?

Can you as an A ever fully understand and come to grasps with how you hurt the others around you?

Does an A really get why they drink, my A keeps telling me I know my triggers now, I know why I drink? Just because he tells me he knows, this is without therapy or AA, is he really being true to himself or is he just telling me what I want to hear. (right now we are in the process of getting divorced and he is begging me to stay) and of course along with (and his lawyer telling him to) find out if there is another guy. Is it that hard to really understand that it is all him and the hell we have gone through, that has lead me here to the decision of divorce.

Thanks all!
Lost-confused-and at wits end...

jamdls

Hi married, everyone is different. Some people, myself included, have recovered on their own with no formal program nor therapy and come to grips with all the damage I did to myself and others. Some people are just natural lyers whether an alcoholic or not, I believe to truly recover from an alcohol problem we have to be true to ourselves but that can take time. You should do what is right for you and your husband needs to recover for himself. Good luck to you.

DayTrader

Married...... the only true answer is "it depends."

It depends upon what you mean by "in recovery." Many ppl stop drinking, go to therapy, go to AA meetings, but never really DO anything. In other words, they don't change.

As you're finding out, drinking is part of the problem. For an alcoholic who suffers from alcoholism, when you take the booze out of the rotation life doesn't necessarily straighten out.

In AA there's talk of a complete psychic change. For many alcoholics, that's what's necessary. Not just education and new tools...... a complete retooling.

Now........alllllllllllllll that said........... none of it needs to happen for YOU to be happy. I know ppl living with practicing alkies who are, for the most part, content, serene and live a great life. I know others who were able to walk away from a bad relationship with little to no shame, no sense of failure, and are much happier now for having done so.

I'll just caution you..... so long as your happiness is dependent upon the actions of others, especially an alkie (i.e.: Can you as an A ever fully understand and come to grasps with how you hurt the others around you?) you're in for a tough time.

I'd tell you the same thing I'd tell your husband...... you need to focus on your own recovery for a minute.......first. He may be "the alcoholic" but you've got a role in the relationship as well and taking a good hard look at it, while painful as HELL, pays huuuuuge dividends.

suki44883

Wring the alcohol out of an asshat and you still have an asshat.

Some things aren't truly the fault of alcohol, and just quitting drinking doesn't necessarily make the alcoholic easier to live with. Sometimes, recovery just comes too late. Sometimes, too much water has gone under the bridge.

married10

Thank you all for your thoughts. It re-afirms my thoughts. I do know and understand that I have a recovery process of my own. I do understand that taking the alcohol away doesn't make things better, doesn't make him better.

I do feel that there has been to much to really get back to that place, to many failed attempts at a better marriage, not just by him either.
Just too much is probably what sums it all up.

I don't think he has hit rock bottom and I am not sure if he ever will. I don't for see myself being able to stay with him and live a happy life, I see myself living the if and when he will drink again, if we were to stay married. I have read about the characteristics of the codie and boy did I fit everyone to a tee through out the years.

I don't see myself being able to fully heal if we stay married. I don't wish him any harm or hurt, I do wish him a good life and being able to recovery. I do know that I can't help him with it and as much as I prayed, yelled and hurt over the years for him, I can't give that to him.

Now it is about me, and its hard to say that, I feel very selfish for it. But I hate whom I am currently. Obessing over this and that of this whole situation. It would be so much easier if he would move out, but he won't tell the courts decide whom gets the house and etc...

Really thanks so much... crazy how I will hear others at the moment, but everything my A has to say isn't helping us. (I guess because you all are not emotionally involved and can look at it from an outside view)