Hudstar

Hi all, if anyone can lend some advice (I'll give it back; promise!) I'd really appreciate it.

Next Thursday 13th October will be a year since my last drink. A whole year since I brought my years-long exhausting, humiliating and life-threatening battle with alcohol to the attention of my loved ones, begged for their help and entered inpatient rehab to begin a new life, Sober. Oh, what a year...

[Think I'll post next week, on or around the day, about the trials and tribulations of 1st-year recovery, if SR would indulge me, of course.]

But, to the issue at hand. See, I kind of, sort of, would really like some kind of, I don't know... memento? Trophy? Prize? '********'? Jeez, even putting it like that makes me feel like a fool. Still, that's not so bad is it? Just something to look at and remember.

What I would really like, specifically, genuinely, is a one-year token, or chip, as gifted by AA. Here's the problem: I'm not in AA. Oh sure, I came through AA to an extent, my treatment centre espoused the 12 steps -inspired us with them-, I dutifully attended my local meetings during the first few months of sobriety, to keep up the momentum from treatment, collected a few chips along the way, listened, learned and pondered. I made serious errors in my early approach to AA, I admit: I didn't speak up or make any real effort to get to know people. I dashed off at the end of most meetings and essentially kept my walls up. That's not to denigrate, however, the very serious effort I put in to understand and adopt the values of the program, but it was only during a very intense period of craving and depression (commonly considered PAWS: post acute withdrawal syndrome) about six months in that forced me, in desperation, to ask someone to sponsor me. It didn't go well. In fact, the conflict I felt from that relationship eventually led to me cutting my ties with him and AA as a whole.

This was sad for many reasons; I cut myself off from a fellowship of recoverers, a support network, a social group and, most importantly, a proven and potential pathway to long-term, happy sobriety. But it also, crucially, allowed me to draw a line under my struggles to adopt a program that I felt inherently at odds with, to say "this doesn't work for me" and to be OK about that, to find peace with it and to move on and seek other roads towards recovery. There's so much I respect and admire about the fellowship of AA and the 12 step program in spite of my decision to seek my recovery elsewhere. It can be a lonely road some of the time, this one. But it is a road I chose freely, and isn't recovery from addiction ultimately about freedom?

So, back to the point: collecting a 1 year sobriety chip. I remember the feeling from receiving chips for 1, 2, 3 months etc. up to 7 before I parted ways, and it felt good; it was encouraging, humbling, uplifting and it inflamed my gratitude for being sober and to be amongst other people, kind people, all going through the same journey. That's all. It's enough.

But, what right do I have to attend that meeting next week to collect a chip knowing full well that I don't walk the 12 steps, am not a part of their society and may well not walk through that door for a long time after? In truth, I would like to attend some meetings now and then if only to reconnect with my recovery on a social level, to listen to others and to absorb some of that soothing collective wisdom you can only seem to find at these meetings, but to do so would feel highly disingenuous of me. I would feel like an imposter, indeed, that very feeling was a major factor in me having left the rooms behind in the first place. Projecting, I expect I'll bump into some of the people who welcomed me the first time round, feel that familiar, cringing feeling from before of having to explain or justify myself, then politely saunter off, ill-deserved chip in hand. Or that's how it feels.

Look, I know this is SO not a big deal, there are far weightier posts doing the rounds on SR tonight from people who are really struggling. I just want a silly little plastic token to mark one years sobriety. Who knows, perhaps my petty little dilemma raises some larger questions, though: questions about 'going it alone', the value of fellowship, the significance of days/months/years sober - please, no flame wars about recovery groups. Not for me to judge. I'd just be interested in some honest opinions if you have the time.

Thanks SR!

DaveO

You are were a member of AA when you walked through the door the first time, and you still are.

Hold your head high, and collect your chip.

dawnrunner

I agree with DaveO. A year sober is a year sober is a fabulous thing!, and that is what the chips are there to mark.

And if it makes you feel any better, my home meeting a couple years back had a member who would ask for a chip at every opportunity. He was a little foggy, and had many many anniversaries. They were happy to keep him supplied, and he always went away smiling.

Go and feel the joy!

soberlicious

You may attend as many or as few meetings as you wish, wherever and whenever. Anyone who chooses to pass judgement on that may, of course. It's a free country and people may ceratinly choose whatever judgements they wish. They need not affect you. If you want a chip, get a chip. I find nothing disingenuous about that. You do not drink and you are happy...um, that's what it's about.

I no longer attend AA regularly, but I have friends in the program. I will go to support them at times. Sometimes there may be a speaker I want to hear. And there have been years I've gotten chips too. It's my choice...and it's yours too.

CarolD

People come and go for all sorts of reasons...some do pick up chips
tho I've not seen them in ages...

I clap just the same. Please don't forget to post here on your special day.

However if you feel uncomfortable about doing it...
you can buy your own medallion to de note your sobreity
Goodle for recovery stores...pick out whatever suits you.

Beebizzy

Hi Hudstar,

I don't have an answer to your chip dilemma, except that what the others have said makes perfect sense to me.

I just wanted to say well done on your year and that I would love to read about it next week - please do post it!

Thanks,
BB

yeahgr8

Go back to AA and whilst you are there pick up a chip if you want to, this really is a no-brainer! You could always get a sponsor, work the steps and recover from alcoholism (including the mental obsession which you have called PAWS) whilst you are there too:-)

Here is what you got out of AA meetings, in your own words:

1. inspired us
2. listened, learned and pondered
3. fellowship of recoverers
4. support network
5. social group
6. proven and potential pathway to long-term, happy sobriety
7. fellowship of AA
8. felt good
9. encouraging
10. humbling
11. uplifting
12. inflamed my gratitude for being sober
13. amongst kind people
14. connect with my recovery on a social level
15. absorb some of that soothing collective wisdom

Seriously, as an AA member, i am saying go back to meetings and collect your chip, you have every right to be there and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking...

eJoshua

Go and get your chip, you've earned it!

More importantly (IMO), you can serve as an inspiration to those who haven't yet reached the 1-year mark. I sort of poo-pooed the whole chip thing until a friend of mine in recovery mentioned how important the symbolism is behind them to those who are struggling AND to those old-timers that may have forgotten what a big deal it is. I'm not in AA either, per se, but I'll probably go get a chip after a year.

Congrats on almost one year, that is an awesome accomplishment!

onlythetruth

Hudstar: If you want a chip, get a chip. It's totally your choice and I am sure the AA people would never begrudge you! If, however, you continue to be conflicted about taking a chip from a program you're not a member of, you might want to consider creating your own memento. It could be anything that is meaningful to you. I have a friend, for example, who recovered from a severe eating disorder--she bought herself a silver ring with moon and star on it. She wears it all the time and finds it very meaningful. I always thought that was a beautiful and very personal way of acknowledging her accomplishment.

freethinking

Go get that chip! And start going to meetings again if you like them! I like being around other alcoholics, and attend SMART meetings. I certainly don't adhere to everything they believe in, but I love the support.

Please go get your chip and start attending meetings again if you like them! You have almost a year under your belt so surely you can go to meetings, take what you like from them and leave the rest behind!

Threshold

No need to justify or explain anything to anyone. You, like everyone else in that room, are there for recovery, and if you go clean time...go get that chip and the support and encouragement of the other recovering addicts.

Not all of us on SR use the same method, etc, but all are welcome and we celebrate each and every step of recovery. Same in the rooms. Every day sober is a victory for all of us.

Vlad

Almost every mall has a Things Remembered. They carry lockets, keychains, pendants, etc., that can be engraved with whatever message you desire.

If you're uncomfortable going to a meeting, do your own token.

omegasupreme

Experience has proven time and time again that the requirement for membership is not the same as the requirement for recovery.

That being said, go get the darn chip, you might find some other things you like...such as hope, peace, serenity, life of abundance...just to name a few.

recycle

I celebrated one year last week. I don't regularly attend meetings that give out chips, my sponsor did not get me a chip, and like you I felt funny showing up to a meeting just for a chip, so no chip. I started to get a little funky about it. And you know what it is the operative adjective. A chip is just a thing, it means only what I want it to mean. I know what it means to be sober for a year without a chunk of metal, I can see it in the mirror, and I can see it mirrored in the faces of the people in my life. Whatever you decide to do, be happy with your decision. A year is fine accomplishment, I am glad I choose not to spoil it over a thing.

NYCDoglvr

It's a huge deal for an alcoholic to go through 365 continuous days sober, the four seasons, all of the holidays. You can buy an AA coin on the internet and I think you should. It only matters what YOU think. BTW, AA doesn't distribute coins, sometimes groups give them out at anniversary meetings. More often, individuals give them to each other.

PaperDolls

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

stugotz

Wat too much thinking goin on. Good job though.

sugarbear1

Get your chip. If anyone has a problem, tell 'em to talk with their sponsor.

DayTrader

Hud, I don't think it really matters whether you're IN or not. If you want one and you think it'll benefit your sobriety, go get one.

I don't really understand why it's important to have an AA 1-yr token for a program you're not working anymore but if you want one you're free to get snag one. Bear in mind though, they're not free so, if it were me, I'd pay for it rather than expect a hand-out from a group you're not a part of or contributing to. Alternatively, they're available online as well.

I get that my response may be unpopular and will probably get some "boo's" but so be it. I understand your comment about "what right do I have to go get a token." Sure, every AA group I've even seen would probably give you one but those tokens represent more (TO ME) than just another year of not ingesting alcohol. If I weren't in the program, attending meetings, working the steps, practicing the principles, sponsoring guys, carrying the message, etc etc etc..... I wouldn't expect to get a token nor would I feel I'd earned the right to one.
.......just my personal opinion.

I really agree with Omega's post above.....and for that reason......I think it may be a good idea. If I were in your shoes though, I'd go back to AA but it wouldn't be to get a token. I'd wait on that 'till I'd earned it.

PaperDolls

boo!