Linz

It sounds crazy or obsessive, but I'll wake up one morning (always... the booze thoughts ALWAYS start in the morning,) and think: "I wonder what I'll drink tonight, beer? Wine? Whiskey? Vodka? Where will I go to drink these, I wonder how much time my homework will take up before I can go get a drink." Usually it's not even 9 a.m. yet.
On the RARE occasion, the rarest of days, (usually an extremely hungover day, like today) I will commit to absolutely no booze. It isn't hard to go through a day without booze when I feel like death itself. I can usually go through that day with only slight thoughts of it... once every couple hours or something, but it doesn't tempt me because I am so hungover.
So then I'll think to myself, usually that night, "Wouldn't it be great if I could go through tomorrow like I did today? Without any beer or wine etc... AND I would feel great compared to how I feel today."
The the tomorrow comes, and I wake up, and I start to get ready for school, and I think to myself, "What will I have to drink tonight..."
Never-ending cycle.
I have The Big Book in my bedside table, I have read tons of recovery stories... they scare me. I can barely keep the thought that sobriety would mean NONE AT ALL.

Today I am pissed off at myself - I cannot go to work, I desperately need money, I cannot seem to find the motivation to even read some of my text book.

I feel defeated.

ANGELINA243

Is there any way that you can get to a meeting today? Reading the book may help some, but when we are by ourselves--that is when the disease tries to talk to us the most. (At least, that was my experience.) It is hard to try to do it alone--fighting the urges to drink. Keep posting. You are not alone.

PaperDolls

Have you considered rehab?

It's tough to get sober but it is possible. You can do this.

Linz

I have considered rehab... I've considered it a lot actually... The main problem with trying to go is time. I am in school, have rent to pay, a little doggie that rely's on me, a job, etc.... finding time around those things is extremely difficult.
Rehab would definitely benefit me though.

DayTrader

Here's a neat analogy I heard one time:

I'll send you a big recipe for the most award winning cherry pie there is. It's very involved, everything is done from scratch, and everything must be measured, weighed and double-checked so as to get all your ingredients exact. Also, the blending of the ingredients and the baking process must be followed precisely.....to the second.

Ok......so I send you the recipe. You study it....you memorize it.....I call you and quiz you on it day after day after day until........after several weeks......one day.....you finally have it down cold - you know the exact recipe for that awesome cherry pie. The following morning you anxiously await my call because you're excited to demonstrate how you've mastered that recipe. I call....you answer every question perfectly and without hesitation.

Then, after a brief pause, I ask you to cut me a piece of that pie!

Obviously you can't. You've learned the instructions but haven't done the work......yet. Ya see, we can starve to death on the recipe - even a "perfect" recipe.

What I'm driving at is maybe it's time to reassess your current plan for maintaining sobriety. Some alkies absolutely CAN think themselves sober, can think themselves happy and can think themselves into having a wonderfully fulfilling life. Hell, I was absolutely sure I could do all that and think my way into a sober happy life. The reality (for me) was that, sooner or later (and it was more often SOONER than it was LATER), I'd be drinking.....or drunk......again!!! It was frickin' maddening. It happened on good days, on bad days, on days where I got laid, days where I got shot down, days I made good money at work, days I didn't make a dime.....etc etc. At the end of the day.......really.......I didn't drink because of any of those "triggers" or things......I drank because I'm a chronic alcoholic and I had no method to keep from doing that......yet.

For me, reading the steps, understanding the steps, getting "support," going to meetings, and so forth didn't work well for long..... and don't get me wrong, that stuff did FEEL pretty good. The problem was that, after not all that many weeks or months......the shine of it all just wore right off. <-- tough times, yanno?....when I thought "feeling good" would work to keep me sober but then, suddenly, that stuff isn't making me feel good (or good enough) anymore.....

So......it's decision time: do I want to go to the next level in sobriety/recovery or do I want to go back to where I just was? One of the things I've seen proven true more often than not is that there's no "coasting" for an alkie. We don't have the luxury of sitting still in our recovery. We're either getting better........or we're getting worse. --Wouldn't ya know it.....the ONE time we like that "in-between-spot" it's not even available.

IMO......you're getting signals to step your game up and incorporate some new stuff and/or change up what you've been doing. Boy o boy, I got those same warnings over and over and over.....and it wasn't until this last time that I finally started taking the action parts of recovery for real.........and wouldn't ya know it........I haven't had to pick up a drink again in over 4 yrs. I didn't "think" myself here......I had to take actions and do the "work" to get here. Perhaps, Linz......it's your turn to make that same decision to move forward or go back one more time hoping it'll be different......

doggonecarl

I don't mean for this to sound accusatory, but you don't sound committed to recovery. I know you come here looking for help. And that at least means you want to stop. But do are you willing to what it takes to stop? Are you doing anything to fight the temptations to drink or surrendering to the urge?

So I guess my question is, Do you really want to quit? Forever? Until I could accept--as fact--that I wasn't a normal drinker, would never be a normal drinker, then I couldn't really believe that never drinking meant forever.

I hope you find the recovery method that works for you. None are easy. All start with not picking up a drink. Ever!

SSIL75

I would ask you the same thing.

for years I wanted to stop drinking so much. Stop being a slave to alcohol. Stop obsessing about it. But did I want to live without alcohol in my life forever? Hell no!

Terminally Unique

For starters, consider not calling binging on booze "slipping."

PaperDolls

Since alcohol is killing you .... eventually you won't have time for work, school, your dog ..... or life.

I know it's not easy to stop and take care of yourself but sometimes it has to be done. I had to go to my boss and tell him I had a problem and was checking into rehab. I was gone for 30 days. Today, my life is better, I'm happy, and I'm a better employee. He'd even tell you that!

Take some time and get better. Postponing it will not end in a good result.

SOBARweasel

If you're an alcoholic you need to put your recovery first or like PaperDolls said you won't have those things to worry about anymore.

IMHO, reading's a very good thing to help you understand alcoholism but reading the "Book" alone might not help you. I tried it and thought it was the lamest thing ever written until I had someone take me through it.

There's some really good advise in this thread I hope you take it.

FBL

I went through that same cycle EVERY DAY for 10 years (except I always KNEW I'd be drinking at least 12 beers) and I was a two-to-three times a week binger for the 20 years before that. It all finally caught up with me and I just finally had to stop. That was a little over two years ago. You can do it, but only if you REALLY want to.

Boleo

As long as drinking is interfering with your job anyway, why not try rehab?

BP44

What you are describing is not called slipping, it's called drinking. Honesty is one of the essentials to recovery. If you're drinking almost daily, you have nothing to "slip" from. Your current experience reminds me of how I was, it was a rare day that I didn't drink in the end. Either I would be too sick or some other problem, and I would get a rare break from booze. Those days where I didn't drink would be considered a "slip".

Dee74

Linz,

I've followed your story for a long time now.
Obviously something needs to change here.

What are you prepared to do? How far are you prepared to go to get yourself out of this cycle?

If you want things to change you need to make changes, Linz.
There's simply no short cuts, I'm afraid.

D

dawnrunner

Are you in college?

Odds are your university has a counseling center which can refer you to outpatient rehab.

I was in your same spot with dogs, a horse, a full-time job, many ongoing commitments. My rehab was planned around my commitments (after an extensive interview and medical checkup). I loved it! It was great therapy with an AA basis, and we were able to attend our first meeting in our little rehab group for mutual support.

I can't tell you how thankful I am that I got that help. I promise you that your classes will go better almost immediately, your rent will be easier to pay, and your dog will love your sobriety - just think: dogs are always sober and happy. Just think: your dog can get a nice walk in the evening instead of a passed-out owner he worries about.

Best wishes for a change - you deserve it and so does Fido!! <3

choublak

Forgive my ignorance, but how do you manage to not fail out of college?

sugarbear1

Try not to intellectualize drinking. And your daily slipping is just drinking. Just for today, don't drink.

All this typed with love, I've been where you are! If I can make 136 days in a row, anyone can! Just for today.

sugarbear1

Choub, MANY alcoholics achieve well, even while drinking. We can drinkmore than others and still surpass them! It gets to a point where things change. I got all A's in college, graduated with honors, all in active addiction to alcohol, pot, & cocaine or meth (we called it crank).

Have you met my friends in AA? Prominant individuals in & near Washington, DC.

TheEnd

There is no such thing as slipping everyday. In order to slip, one must first obtain sobriety. That being said, you can't get drunk if you don't pick up. Sounds simple, I know it's not, but you must be willing to do whatever it takes for you, not to pick up that drink.

eJoshua

Hey Linz -

For me, big change didn't happen until big change happened. In other words, my willingness to change my life to make it not conducive to drinking was directly proportional to my success in not drinking. What did this mean for me?

For me, I took a time out on life and went to rehab. I emailed my college advisor and told him that I wouldn't be in classes for at least a few semesters. I called my boss and told her I wasn't coming back to work until I'd gotten sober. I called my mom and told her that I was going to come and live with them until I could stay clean for any decent length of time. I severed off ties with old friends who drank and I made new bonds with people who were in recovery. I deleted a lot of contacts from my cell phone.

Then I took a deep breath and plunged headlong into rehab. I did 30 days and every single day I woke up and thought about walking out of rehab because it was really really hard and lonely and miserable at times. But I stuck it out, because I had made a commitment. I finally got out and I felt like a free man -- in more ways than one.

After I got out I started working on stuff. I joined a recovery group and made a commitment to attend at least two specific meetings per week. I met with a woman at my church a few times until she was able to recommend a counselor for me to see. After I started meeting with this counselor weekly (which is costing more almost as much as rent, btw) I took his advice and made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I got on meds to help out with some mental health issues. I kept living at my parents house and went back to work. This has been the past five months of my life.

Now I'm almost to 6 months sober. My life is completely changed. It has been very, very hard and I wouldn't want to ever go through it again, but if I wouldn't have then I'm not joking when I say I wouldn't be alive right now. I am by no means perfect, but life is so much better now than when I was drinking.

I am not saying all this to show how great I am, because I really relied on God and my healthy friends and support network for all these things, and I took everything one day at a time. The reason I mention it is because I was like you describe for all of last year and a chunk of the 2009 - trying to quit but not really making any changes. There's an (AA?) saying that goes "Nothing changes if nothing changes." You can want to change and try to change a million times, but unless you actually make serious changes in your life then you will never be sober.

The first change is to put down the bottle, but it sure doesn't stop there.

Best wishes to you, you can do this! If I can then anyone can.