waterface

Hi

I've been here before a few times but felt the need to come back as i'm so annoyed with myself & feel such an idiot for not being able to be strong enough to do what i need to do.

After i split with my partner in Nov'10, i started to drink heavily as i was alone & hurting because of my loss & thought i'd go through that phase & cool my drinking down as i came out the other side.
I started to get over my loss & became happier, living with my family, but drinking nightly, actually enjoying my nights alone with a bottle, watching tv, using pc, even exercising before then drinking after.

I have been looking for a flat & just found one that i love & have been decorating it & spending money on things personalizing it, but i think of how much money i've pissed up the wall, the bottles that have filled the recycle bin when i saw them each week ashamed me & i don't want to think of the money i've wasted!

So now my funds are dwindling, i have a flat in the city, i have a girl that i like & i've visited her & she me, we live 3 hours drive away, but i can't afford to do things i'd like.
I can't afford certain things for the flat!
I've put on weight & am scared of health issues like blotchy hands, toxic feeling, bruising on my legs & arms for no reason, which are all connected to liver disease.
I don't feel unwell but my tolerance must be up as i've stopped feeling rough the next day.

My dr says i'm caught within a habit, not physically addicted, just when that time comes along after i've done my daily things, i start to get twitchy & succumb to what i know i don't want to do, but always find an excuse. Excuses like i've had a positive day, i've been a run, there's a game on tv & then i end up spending what i don't have & can't afford when there are many things i need 1st & things i want to spend my money on like the flat & prospective times with a new girl.

Being lonely in the flat worries me as its in the city with a bars all over the place.
I have had months off before, i've gotten physically fit, feel clear, detoxified, saved money, all the positives, this is why i'm so annoyed with myself for being so weak!

doggonecarl

Is he saying this based on information you are providing? Are you being totally honest with your doctor about your drinking?

Because if you aren't addicted, you could stop. No problem. But you say you struggle with this. "Normal" drinkers don't struggle with quitting. And you are posting to an alcohol recovery site. So what does that tell you about your own drinking and your concerns about it?

I have a pet peeve about people (not necessarily you, waterface) who refer to their drinking problem as a habit. A habit is buckling your seat belt every time you get into a car. Drinking every day?....when I was doing it, it was because I was dependent on the alcohol.

waterface

Your right, i've always struggled with this. I guess what he means is that i wouldn't get the shakes, sweating etc & i'm not physically dependant on alcohol. I do feel anxious a little though.
I think i'm more phsychologically dependant. Like now its that time of the day, i'm cooking, its warm outside & each day over the last months i've opened a drink at this time, so i guess i'm in a habit i need to break.
When i have done this in the past & eaten something, i've been glad i did & don't want a drink after.

DayTrader

Water -

For some of us, we found that even when everything was "going well" and our lives seemed to be on the right track......we fell off the wagon and started to drink again.

Some folks fall into the classification of chronic alcoholics and, for these folks, it's NOT a matter of being strong enough.....or wise enough.....or being this, that, or the other. It's neither good nor bad....it simply IS.

It was very difficult for me to accept that I wasn't able to conquer my drinking problem nor was I able to conquer untreated alcoholism on my own (which is......how I feel when I'm NOT drinking - yanno, the stuff that eventually build up until I feel I need or deserve to have a drink). I needed some additional power that I couldn't manufacture myself.

Early on, being the typical sensitive alkie.....I took all this stuff personally. I frickin haaaaaaated myself, my weakness, my lack of being able to follow through, my failures. That stuff, I thought, defined me. It took a while but eventually I came to understand that all this stuff IS my alcoholism.....and I just drank to "treat" it......and that was truly the best I could manage to do. --> quite the blow to my overly inflated ego, that's for sure.

Recognizing that I couldn't think myself into a sober happy life was truly a life-changing realization for me......and it was a tough one to make because my false ego kept trying to convince me that I'd get it right "tomorrow." It opened the door for me to be willing to accept some change, some new direction, and to begin to really get honest with myself about myself, my life, and what was really going on (vs. what I continually deluded myself in to believing - believing that a false reality WAS reality).

All that "stuff" you mentioned in your post and that I mentioned about me above....... that's what chronic alcoholism is made of. It's stuff that effects you WHEN YOU'RE NOT DRINKING. AA refers to it as: irritability, restlessness, and dis-contentedness. For me......drinking and all the problems it specifically brought certainly hurt......but that stuff didn't kick my a$$ NEARLY as much as my own head did......on a regular basis.....when I wasn't drinking.

I'll promise you though - get into a solid recovery program and that stuff ABSOLUTELY WILL come to an end, or, at the very least, not have nearly the power to beat you up as it's had.

waterface

I so like that about not been able to think myself into a sober life!! I guess i have to accept i'm defeated & can't just have 1 glass, because of late, 1 bottle of wine at night is me feeling like a pat on the back as its a lot less than i have been drinking!

It is the stuff that happens in my head when i'm not drinking!