chainy

Long time on-and-off lurker here (*hint* long term on and off again drunk).

I'm 22 y/o and have been a daily drinker since 17. My family has spent $120,000+ on treatment centers. I've been to detox six times. Earlier this year I was drinking over a litre of vodka a day. Now its a bit less due to constant nausea.

I rejoined AA in May and relapsed in late July. I had a great sponsor with almost 30 years who spent at least an hour daily talking with me every day. If he were a professional therapist, I would have to rob a bank to repay him. We got along well, I agreed to "fake it till you make it" as far as prayer and spirituality goes, and I managed to push aside my intellectual qualms about AA and a "higher power." Of course I had to keep my doubts and criticism of AA and "blind faith" to a minimum, although my sponsor was well aware of my true beliefs.

He decided I wasn't cooperative enough because I continued to stay in phone contact with my geographically distant brother, my best friend and often drinking buddy, and I decided to see if binaural beats therapy would help me meditate more easily. Well apparently binaural beats therapy was my excuse for "getting high" and that was the unexpected tipping point and I was told to find a new sponsor.

EDIT: I relapsed two days later. It seemed like a good excuse to drink at the time...

I've been through extensive professional counseling and various anti-depressant meds. That six figure treatment center wasn't for nothing after all! I've held service positions in AA groups and our local Intergroup.

I've done the 5th step 3 times. This last one was exhaustive. I really feel like I have nothing else to lay on the table emotionally. I didn't feel any great catharsis, aside from a slight "clean" feeling of knowing that I have faced my fears of someone knowing every single fear and insecurity I have in bloody detail.

I really have never felt "happier" at any point in sobriety. All that's changed is the situations. In sobriety I was living in my parents nice home working a crap job, with enough funds to keep me from wanting much and an unbelievably supportive family. I'm now jobless living on a friends couch. My life is now much worse on the outside, but nothing has really changed on the inside.

(concluding my rant) If being sober and drinking suck just as bad, what's the ******* point? I don't want kids, I have terrible self esteem, no self discipline, and I can't stop this terrible obsession with ingesting more booze! I know these feelings basically define alcoholics like myself, but I almost feel no shame anymore. I'm a piece of **** and I belong in the ground, or maybe temporarily on a cardboard box. I'm a complete drain on my family, friends, and society. But I have no willingness to stop.

Can anyone relate?

Dee74

Hi Chainy

Welcome

You've drunk daily for 5 years - you were sober from May to July...do you think you given being sober a fair run?

It's not fun getting sober...it was hard for a lot of the way - it took a lot of work and commitment and even then the rewards were not instant, at least not for me...but I'm
damn glad I stuck with it.

It's not just me either - there's thousands of success stories here...we can't all be making it up

Ultimately the only one who can make the commitment to sobriety is you, but I think the fact you signed up here and are posting means there's at least a part of you that still hopes for something better.

I hope you decide to give it another go.

D

yeahgr8

Yes i can relate completely! I felt and was acting exactly the same way when i was 22, it sucked ass! I got to the point where i would go to sleep and be thinking that it would be better if i didn't wake up, not just for me but for everyone...

I had massive low self esteem and hated myself.

Fast forward 16 years and i finally got sober in AA...looking at your 5th steps, it must be hell to have written down the 4th step then talk through the 5th with another person to not go straight onto steps 8 and 9 (the amends)...to highlight all the wrongs that you have done and the real you (in addiction) and then sit on that must be great for your feelings about yourself, i.e. to re-enforce that it must be true, you are a pile of ****! If you go back to AA try and get a sponsor that will take you onto steps 8 and 9 quick style because that is where we get the blank sheet of paper to start again and get confirmation that we are not the piece of crap that we think we are!

Throughout my life i have given up through various methods for periods of time and i agree i wasn't happier in sobriety which would eventually lead to me thinking **** it and drinking again...AA, for me, saved my life and gave me the opportunity to live a fuller life not hating the person i thought i was, and yes i am the happiest i have ever been:-) But i'm not talking about going to meetings or service, i am talking about working through all the steps with a sponsor who has done the same and then trying to apply them to our lives...otherwise it's a pointless exercise!

Hope you find some motivation to get going again and this time really listen to what someone else has to say...if you go through it and really get sober you will realise that all the ****** up beliefs and ideas you have now aren't worth a toss anyway...that's quite funny because i was very rigid and black and white in my beliefs and now i live in the grey area...the grey area is the only area any of us can live in anyway because we have a linear existence so nothing can stay the same so it's ok to change our minds at anytime...

good luck, hope that helps!

Terminally Unique

You've been ingesting a liter of a concentrated, high proof depressant daily for five years. The resulting depression from that is not going to magically go away in just two months. It took me a good 4-5 months for my head to start to clear. Furthermore, none of your anti-depressant medications will work if you drink.

Also, FYI, formalized addiction treatment actually aggravates the addiction for many and sends them on an accelerated downward spiral into the abyss. If that is the case with you, more treatment is not going to fix it; less treatment and independent living will.

freethinking

I've been to several inpatient rehabs, detoxes and was in and out of AA for over 15 years.

I'll tell you what worked for me. Stopping drinking, seeing a psychiatrist and getting on an SNRI.

Not every alcoholic drinks the same and by the way you write and the amount/frequency you drink I'd take a guess and say you probably suffer from depression even outside of your alcoholism, but obviously that is just a guess.

I am really glad I did not white knuckle it and wait months to see if I "got happy" after quitting drinking. I immediately went to a psychiatrist who specialized in addiction who got me on the right stuff. Literally, things look differently to me now. My perception of reality has shifted and I think it is in large part to the anti-depressant I am on. You sound like I used to.

Also, if the 12-steps do not resonate with you there are other schools of thought out there for not drinking that really help.

Mark75

Faith. Is it that you don't really have any?

SSIL75

I agree with this. I'd forget about AA for now and see if another approach helps.

MemphisBlues

Know what? It can get much, much worse.

For me,I had to surrender, admit that I was powerless over alcohol, pot and benzos.

Complete, absolute surrender. You're 22. If you make it to 30, I suspect you could find yourself on the street instead of a friend's couch.

Rehab didn't work for me. AVRT didn't work for me, either. AA did, a decade after rehab and a decade after AVRT.

sugarbear1

If I sat in the self centered muck of my 5th step, I'd be in your situation. Try getting sober & staying stopped, work the steps with someone who lets you see how your behavior was--defects of character & all, then work steps 6 7 8 & 9. Daily work on 10 - 12. Self-centered & selfish, with serious egotism, that was me!

"Half-measures avail us nothing..." Working all of the steps help us, not just doing half the steps...

sable1

Hey. Yes, I can relate very much. I'm 24. I have been thinking about what I want out of life, and it keeps coming back to the same thing; drinking. Terrible thing to admit maybe, but that's how I feel. I stopped drinking because I got really ill because of it, I had started the trip downhill and got really scared because of the physical symptoms I was experiencing. But sobriety never made me happy. I felt more like it was unfair that I had to give up my passion in life so early, I should have at least a good 15 years of drinking ahead of me. Sounds bad I know.
Drinking has really been like a love affair for me, my biggest passion in my life. And it seems to me that most people who quit drinking are a lot older, and they usually have family, married with kids, or people depending on them, and that is part of the reason they quit. I actually have none of that. I have one good friend at this point, and my parents are nice and good, but most of the time I spend by myself. I can't really find the motivation to stay sober anymore, because I feel like there is no reason for me to stay sober. I don't hurt anybody but myself by drinking, I really don't. I don't think I'll marry and have children, so if I want to devote my life to drinking I should be able to.
The only thing that's really stopping me is the fact that my body doesn't take the alcohol as well as it used to and I have a feeling it can be nasty from here on if I keep drinking. So that is basicly the only reason I'm sober at the moment; fear. And even that is starting to not be enough. Considering drinking has been the one thing in my life that has given me that sense of piece and comfort and happiness (even if it is a fake happiness), it's starting to feel a bit like maybe alcoholism is my fate. Maybe I should just give in to it.

I'm sorry if I don't have any motivational things to say to you, I obviously don't think you should give in to killing yourself with the drinking (or anything else). Just wanted to tell you that I relate.


Take care!

kiki5711

I think your parents finally did something right. They stopped enabeling you and you're not happy about it because you are now on a friend's couch and in very unhappy position of having to "discipline yourself" and learn about consequences.

Hence, all that money they spent was in reality useless and no help to you. Self discipline, learning to live and be good to yourself costs -0- dollars. But 100 % effort.

DayTrader

Chainy, I'm no therapist and I'm not going to try to play one here on SR....

I do wonder though...... the ONLY things that a "great sponsor with almost 30 years who spent at least an hour daily talking with me every day" fired you over was talking to your brother and listening to binaural beats to help with meditation? Really? Well, I have to believe there's more to it. Either he's a complete idiot and shouldn't be sponsoring ppl or.......you're leaving off (or perhaps not aware of) part of the story. It's not really any of my business though.....so don't feel like I'm trying to pin you down or call you or him out. Again, I have no idea and that relationship is between you and him.... but I'd ask you to consider delving deeper into what happened and what went wrong.

I'd also suggest that a proper AA inventory isn't so much about the gory details as it is about finding out, in the 5th step, the "exact nature of our wrongs." Perhaps you and or your former sponsor don't have any experience in this area. From what I've come to see in the meetings I've been to over the past 4+ years, VERY FEW ppl in AA even know what the hell "exact nature" refers to.

Now, all that being said..... I've had some of my absolute worst days IN SOBRIETY. Sometimes it's just gonna be a $hitty day...or week.....or maybe even longer. You mentioned AA and there ARE lots of things the program recommends to do in these areas but, since this isn't the 12-step part of this forum, I won't delve into them here. I'll say this though...... "recovery" is about learning to live life sober. If life were easy and simple....there's be no "need" to continually get messed up over and over again. In recovery though, we learn how to do what we can and in AA we learn how to tap into some additional power to get through our issues, to get and stay happy and sober.

If you'd like, shoot me a pm sometime. I'd be MORE than happy to talk to you about the feelings of "I'm a piece of crap, I'm a loser, I don't/can't get this 'life' deal," and being so fed up I truly just didn't give a damn anymore...... and I had to deal with that stuff (learn how to) a whole lotta days after my last drink.

DayTrader

It's an old thread but seems to be totally on-point here (if you're into a 12-Step based discussion of this matter): http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...11th-step.html

aasharon90

There are so many people in the world
that are poor or destitute that would
give anything to have a hot meal, a warm
place to sleep, shoes on their feet, someone
who cared about them.

To go off to a place and see this first hand
and help them, would shock anyone to getting
sober or clean.

The purpose of this action is is to help someone
less fortunate than you. To help someone who
still suffers.

This allows u to stop feeling sorry for ones self,
self-centerness, self-loathing.....to give of urself,
ur time freely to another.

artsoul

Hmm, well..... I can think of a lot of reasons why drinking sucks a lot worse than sobriety, but I think you have to answer that for yourself, Chainy. I hope you can at least see that it's alcoholism that has gotten you to this point, not sobriety.

I guess I have the same reaction as Dee: Did you stay sober long enough to build a new life?

Anyway, I'm glad you're here - welcome!

abc

I agree with the OP, sobriety sucks. I chose sobriety because I don't want to get sick, be miserable for years, in and out of hospitals, then die miserably. Because I'm sober, I can spend my remaining years of misery and depression in my own home. Unfettered by IVs, catheters, and feeding tubes.

Dee74

I spent the first few months sober but still the same person I was as a drinker. Life was still pretty sad and miserable for me.

It took time, and a little effort for me to change that...but I did.

I hope you'll also find more and more benefits from living sober as you go on, abc

D

stugotz

Getting rid of the booze from this A-hole, left me as a sober A-hole. Early sobriety sucked for me. I had no idea how to deal with ME. I was the problem not drinkin. I had no idea who or what I was because my whole life up to that point was a drunken lie. Its gets better, much better. And remember that you never have to feel like that again. Good luck and God bless.