Uncomfortable With Sponsor (I think)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
Uncomfortable With Sponsor (I think)
So...before i went to the meeting this evening i was feeling....content. I even wrote about it in a thread.
but then i got to the meeting and my sponsor was there (i knew she'd be there).
I got a little annoyed at her this weekend but was convinced it was because of my own crud, and the fact that I'm only 40 days sober (37 days sober when I was annoyed at her). but here's the situation and if anyone has an opinion, especially an AAs since that's the program i'm in, i'd love to hear suggestions and just...shares if they apply.
I'm really confused. she's a lovely woman but I'm wondering if it's just a bad match.
the situation:
- 40 days in and she has not made any suggestions. All of my self help notes, etc have been awesome and come from the suggestion of other AAs. But not one from my sponsor. not even reading material. is this normal in the first month? and stretching into 40 days? The reason i ask is because the suggestions are GREAT! i LOOOOOVE them! But none of them seem to come from my sponsor, even though every day she has me leave her a voice mail as a check in, and in those check-ins I relay what's going on. Usually she just text messages me back "great check-in!" - i am not sure this is helpful. I get a LOT out of checking in with my home group. I'm not sure i'm getting much from the daily check ins with someone who doesn't call back. And frankly, she almost never answers the phone, either. She says she has a tough schedule, and i believe her, but so do i and i am putting recovery first because I have to. Maybe she doesn't have time but doesn't know how to tell me?
- Tonight at the meeting (which was packed) it was a tradition meeting. I raised my hand to share and she cross talked to say "do you understand the tradition? did you read it?" (of COURSE i read it, we all just read it in the meeting). So of course, i got called on and my share was all screwy, not from the soul, because i became obsessed with feeling humiliated. I realize that's my crud, not hers, but again, i kind of wonder if that was healthy, for her to cross talk and make it obvious that while I'm not a newcomer anymore, i'm clearly a newb. I thought it was good to be a newcomer or to share, i thought that recovering alcoholics and newcomers alike needed each other equally but I seek suggestions around this, perhaps I'm not seeing it as it is.
- One time at a meeting in my first week of sobriety she also interrupted my share to say "that's cross talk" - totally understandable but i was sooooo embarrassed. It felt....not right. I felt stupid. I understand it's my stuff, but again I want to know...is this normal sponsor/sponsee stuff?
- She has not been able to commit to meet at a regular time. We meet once a week but 4 weekends in and she's changed the meeting time every time but the first time. I think i want a sponsor with regularity.
I feel really dirty even talking about this. She's really a wonderful person, but (and it feels icky to say this) while i like her, I don't feel like I trust her anymore.
I can't decide if this is just me being a crazy alcoholic, or if it's a bad match, or both, or what.
I will also add that there's another woman who is GREAT and comes to my home group and is sponsoring people, and i secretly want exactly what she has, and she seems like she'd be a great great sponsor.
now what. suggestions encouraged.
-
but then i got to the meeting and my sponsor was there (i knew she'd be there).
I got a little annoyed at her this weekend but was convinced it was because of my own crud, and the fact that I'm only 40 days sober (37 days sober when I was annoyed at her). but here's the situation and if anyone has an opinion, especially an AAs since that's the program i'm in, i'd love to hear suggestions and just...shares if they apply.
I'm really confused. she's a lovely woman but I'm wondering if it's just a bad match.
the situation:
- 40 days in and she has not made any suggestions. All of my self help notes, etc have been awesome and come from the suggestion of other AAs. But not one from my sponsor. not even reading material. is this normal in the first month? and stretching into 40 days? The reason i ask is because the suggestions are GREAT! i LOOOOOVE them! But none of them seem to come from my sponsor, even though every day she has me leave her a voice mail as a check in, and in those check-ins I relay what's going on. Usually she just text messages me back "great check-in!" - i am not sure this is helpful. I get a LOT out of checking in with my home group. I'm not sure i'm getting much from the daily check ins with someone who doesn't call back. And frankly, she almost never answers the phone, either. She says she has a tough schedule, and i believe her, but so do i and i am putting recovery first because I have to. Maybe she doesn't have time but doesn't know how to tell me?
- Tonight at the meeting (which was packed) it was a tradition meeting. I raised my hand to share and she cross talked to say "do you understand the tradition? did you read it?" (of COURSE i read it, we all just read it in the meeting). So of course, i got called on and my share was all screwy, not from the soul, because i became obsessed with feeling humiliated. I realize that's my crud, not hers, but again, i kind of wonder if that was healthy, for her to cross talk and make it obvious that while I'm not a newcomer anymore, i'm clearly a newb. I thought it was good to be a newcomer or to share, i thought that recovering alcoholics and newcomers alike needed each other equally but I seek suggestions around this, perhaps I'm not seeing it as it is.
- One time at a meeting in my first week of sobriety she also interrupted my share to say "that's cross talk" - totally understandable but i was sooooo embarrassed. It felt....not right. I felt stupid. I understand it's my stuff, but again I want to know...is this normal sponsor/sponsee stuff?
- She has not been able to commit to meet at a regular time. We meet once a week but 4 weekends in and she's changed the meeting time every time but the first time. I think i want a sponsor with regularity.
I feel really dirty even talking about this. She's really a wonderful person, but (and it feels icky to say this) while i like her, I don't feel like I trust her anymore.
I can't decide if this is just me being a crazy alcoholic, or if it's a bad match, or both, or what.
I will also add that there's another woman who is GREAT and comes to my home group and is sponsoring people, and i secretly want exactly what she has, and she seems like she'd be a great great sponsor.
now what. suggestions encouraged.
-
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
I'm not in AA, OceanSize, so I'll leave the sponsor questions to the experts.
But if that second woman doesn't end up becoming your sponsor, sounds to me like she'd be a great new friend.
Congrats on 40 days—that's fantastic.
But if that second woman doesn't end up becoming your sponsor, sounds to me like she'd be a great new friend.
Congrats on 40 days—that's fantastic.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Brussels, Belgium
Posts: 272
Hi OceanSize,
I've never been to AA so can't really help with that part of it, and this may be way off base, but honestly - this doesn't sound like normal 'human' behaviour to me (I cannot speak to what normal 'sponsor' behaviour is - not saying sponsors aren't human, but you see what I mean LOL :-)). Reading your post as a non-AAer, I would not be terribly happy with this kind of behaviour.
But it is totally possible that I am misjudging this lady, and maybe she has some kind of plan behind all of this. Tell me, did you ask her to sponsor you, or did she volunteer? If she volunteered I would expect her to be a bit more responsive and less 'busy'.
But as I say, this is just how I see it through non-AA eyes. Others with more experience will be along to help out.
I agree with R&A re lady number 2.
Good luck,
BB
I've never been to AA so can't really help with that part of it, and this may be way off base, but honestly - this doesn't sound like normal 'human' behaviour to me (I cannot speak to what normal 'sponsor' behaviour is - not saying sponsors aren't human, but you see what I mean LOL :-)). Reading your post as a non-AAer, I would not be terribly happy with this kind of behaviour.
But it is totally possible that I am misjudging this lady, and maybe she has some kind of plan behind all of this. Tell me, did you ask her to sponsor you, or did she volunteer? If she volunteered I would expect her to be a bit more responsive and less 'busy'.
But as I say, this is just how I see it through non-AA eyes. Others with more experience will be along to help out.
I agree with R&A re lady number 2.
Good luck,
BB
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
First...I suggest this would be a good thing to read in case you have not
Alcoholics Anonymous : Pamphlets
Second I suggest you pray before you leap...
Then talking to your sponsor openly with your concerns would be best.
I don't undeerstand why she has not yet started to work with you on the Steps.
reading and following the directions in our BB on 552 helps me deal with people..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I've been going to AA for years. I'm sponsoring someone in early sobriety and we speak daily, I offer her lots of suggestions and help. Cross talk is frowned upon ... if she has an issue she should wait until after the meeting. Personally I don't think this is the right person for you.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
She has no business getting into your shares at a meeting. She should be encouraging you to stand on your own and speak for yourself and make new contacts. It sounds as if she is trying to mark you as hers.
You feel you cannot trust her because she has broken the trust by her behavior. She may be a wonderful person, but she has made a mistake with you. That does not mean she is evil or uncaring. It means she is human with the same failings we all have--but your instinct to go to another sponsor seems to be a good one.
Anyway, her crosstalk is really wrong and I am surprised no one in the meeting has called her on it.
You feel you cannot trust her because she has broken the trust by her behavior. She may be a wonderful person, but she has made a mistake with you. That does not mean she is evil or uncaring. It means she is human with the same failings we all have--but your instinct to go to another sponsor seems to be a good one.
Anyway, her crosstalk is really wrong and I am surprised no one in the meeting has called her on it.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
No, public humiliation is not, or should not be, normal sponsor-sponsee stuff.
There is nothing wrong with acknowledging reality here. The woman deliberately embarrassed you, scolded you like you were a small child instead of an adult woman on her way to a healthier life.
I would not have such a person for a friend, and certainly not for a sponsor.
There is nothing wrong with acknowledging reality here. The woman deliberately embarrassed you, scolded you like you were a small child instead of an adult woman on her way to a healthier life.
I would not have such a person for a friend, and certainly not for a sponsor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
Thanks all. (don't hesitate to continue chiming in, i'm not trying to close the thread)
just wanted to thank you all for lending your experiences. It is of great service to me. I'm really willing right now. I think that's why I'm so crazy right now, too. I'm told the first year is nutso. I'm finding that i cling to suggestions, i get excited when they are made, and i do them. and then i do indeed feel better. like i said, my apartment is filling up with helpful post-it notes. sometimes i just walk the perimeter (of my tiny studio haha) and read them one by one. other times i steep in the feeling of one at a time.
But the suggestion of page 552 last night....this brought me so much peace.
I am so grateful for AA.
Hurrying off to my home group, a 7am meeting.
I intend to seek clarity and do what's best for my recovery, and I'm not going to "fire" my sponsor until i have the clarity i need.
i will say, however, that I have no intention of calling her for a "check in" this morning but I realize for my recovery i have to be honest with her soon, and disengage from my old habits and ways of thinking.
This challenge is happening for a reason AND i will get a great sponsor. I have faith in that right now.
anyway, thanks.
sorry to go on so long, i haven't gotten to the "restraint of pen" part yet
just wanted to thank you all for lending your experiences. It is of great service to me. I'm really willing right now. I think that's why I'm so crazy right now, too. I'm told the first year is nutso. I'm finding that i cling to suggestions, i get excited when they are made, and i do them. and then i do indeed feel better. like i said, my apartment is filling up with helpful post-it notes. sometimes i just walk the perimeter (of my tiny studio haha) and read them one by one. other times i steep in the feeling of one at a time.
But the suggestion of page 552 last night....this brought me so much peace.
I am so grateful for AA.
Hurrying off to my home group, a 7am meeting.
I intend to seek clarity and do what's best for my recovery, and I'm not going to "fire" my sponsor until i have the clarity i need.
i will say, however, that I have no intention of calling her for a "check in" this morning but I realize for my recovery i have to be honest with her soon, and disengage from my old habits and ways of thinking.
This challenge is happening for a reason AND i will get a great sponsor. I have faith in that right now.
anyway, thanks.
sorry to go on so long, i haven't gotten to the "restraint of pen" part yet
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,966
Have you shared any of this with your sponsor? Asked about how things should work between you two? My sponsor & I discussed our boundaries before we began.
Let her know what's up. Look for another sponsor if you need to. It's a two-way street & you need to put in your part-share it with her first...
Let her know what's up. Look for another sponsor if you need to. It's a two-way street & you need to put in your part-share it with her first...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 86
Don't feel bad about "firing" your sponsor. It can take people a few tries to find the right person.
The first guy that sponsored me was a nice guy but we just didn't click. Every time I went to him for advice he just said "pray and read the book". That was his answer to everything. I had a few other things that made me just uncomfortable being blatantly open and honest with him and it just started to not work.
I needed a sponsor I could trust and feel NO shame in talking to. I told my first sponsor "thanks but this isn't working" and spent time looking for a new one.
Don't do anything rash... but a sponsor should be someone that you have no qualms about (I think anyway). If you are unhappy, think on it and move on.
The first guy that sponsored me was a nice guy but we just didn't click. Every time I went to him for advice he just said "pray and read the book". That was his answer to everything. I had a few other things that made me just uncomfortable being blatantly open and honest with him and it just started to not work.
I needed a sponsor I could trust and feel NO shame in talking to. I told my first sponsor "thanks but this isn't working" and spent time looking for a new one.
Don't do anything rash... but a sponsor should be someone that you have no qualms about (I think anyway). If you are unhappy, think on it and move on.
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