loveon2legs

Nothing can kill your sense of serenity like resentment....it's something I need to work on....no magic wand can erase what has happened between me and some of my personal family relationships...but I know that it's not healthy..and is holding me back... I hold grudges....and the way I have been dealing with it is by avoiding these people...my sister in law..who is an abusive alcoholic...and my mother in law who is a greedy self centered woman......In the perfect world, we would all get along...what do all of you do with toxic people in your life....you have changed....but they haven't and probably never will...... I have "put up" with snide comments from my mother in law..she's a bully.......verbal and physical abuse from my sister in law....and my brother who is also an alcoholic has even joined in.... Do I just let it go and be around them...or should I just continue to avoid?? any suggetions????

Love and Light,

TorontoGuy28

I have minimized my time with family members who are still sick/toxic.

As long as my side of the street is clean, I have no issues.

bmwcycle

Torontoguy has a good point. I too have some family issues and since I have stopped drinking and now have the clarity and desire to stand up for myself it did cause at first more problems, then once I realized, a long and tough lesson, that I was not going to change their minds nor was I going to change them (manipulating and controlling) I chose not to be around them and take the high road when I must be a family events. I must admit I am much calmer now and now the other family members have asked what they can do to get us" back" into the family dynamic, and I say change the family "dynamic".

Sometimes your better off without them.

Threshold

One of the things I was trying to escape through using was confrontation of any kind. Even neutral or positive, even the kind that happened only in my head. I didn't want to make waves with anyone, anywhere, for any reason.

Learning to cut ties and time spent in relationships that are toxic to me, is actually a confrontation. I used to just try to make nice, grin and bear it, etc. Didn't want to make waves.

Now, I say no. Sometimes directly out loud,sometimes I only need to say it to myself, and literally not go there.

In accepting my own issues, and humanity, I am a bit freer to accept theirs as well, pray for them the same I ask for myself, serenity, and move on.

I don't assume their behavior has anything to do with me, even if they try to make me responsible. And I am working towards not allowing their choices to sent me into tailspin. I am confronting the issue of toxic relaitonships and the issue of resentments.

Over a year ago I read this somewhere, and wrote it on my wall..."Justified resentments are just as burdensome as any other resentment"

Seems like I have opportunities to pick up new resentments every day. I am learning to say "I'm not going to carry your junk on my journey"

but old habits die hard

Boleo

"ALL expectations are seeds for resentment".

When I first heard that statement, I thought WTF? How can anyone live without expectations. I have been taught all my life to have expectations. By my parents, by my teachers, by my peers. Without expectations, I would be the biggest chump in the world - wouldn't I?

Then I started to live a principle driven life. Asking myself before making any decision - what principle should I be following hear? If I can't think of a principle to guide me, it usually means I am practicing selfishness as the default principle.

By living a principle driven life, I can in effect avoid almost all rationalization, justification, minimization and denial. In effect avoiding all judgement, expectation and disappointment.

"Judge not and ye shall not be judged".

ReadyAndAble

That's tough. It sounds like your in-laws would drive me nuts, so take everything I'm about to say with a grain of salt, lol.

But to riff on Boleo's post, I have found a measure of peace by not expecting much. If I do someone a favor, I don't expect a lot of gratitude. My reward is simply knowing that I did something for someone else. If someone has a history of being rude toward me, then I don't spend a lot of time hoping that they'll have a change of heart. Instead I focus on my reaction—why does it bother me so much? Should it?

Finally, and maybe most important, I try being compassionate. Usually people who are rude or cynical or antagonistic are unhappy with their own lives. In my experience, happy people do not feel the need to scoff or mock others. They don't seek out conflict. They don't feel an overwhelming need to demonstrate how smart or cool or otherwise superior they are.

So maybe next time one of them says something mean-spirited, maybe you can try thinking to yourself, "Wow, so-and-so must be feeling especially miserable about herself today, poor thing. Thank goodness I don't feel so bad I have to act that way." Sympathy and gratitude leave no room for resentment.

loveon2legs

thank-you....liked the sympathy and gratitude leave no room for resentment!! how true..I will practice that...and in time maybe I can be around them...My hubby and I are not going to spending Christmas with his or my family this year..we are going to a nice B&B in the mountains.....drama is out this year!!

smacked

I don't spend time or energy on toxic people. Granted, I'm lucky in the regard that I don't have family, and my inlaws are out of state. It's all about boundaries.. I will not accept (active addiction/alcoholism, disrespect, abuse, manipulation, dishonesty, etc etc) in my life, and I make the moves necessary to make sure that happens.

WritingFromLife

Smacked --your post would make a great affirmation.

Zebra1275

Here is my suggestion on how to deal with resentments.

Don't drink because of them.


Resentments were a huge trigger for me. Since I've gotten into AA I'm much better at handling them.

RaiderRuss

Drinking out of resentment gives that other person the power over your own sobriety. No other person deserves that power, over YOUR wellness.

When I felt resentment towards my ex, I just prayed/meditate that she gets blessed, for she is spiritually ill. (and it takes a level of spirituality to erase anger & resentment) Being locked in a crisis house, hanging onto my life, I can attest that doing it over and over and over, helped ease the anxiety that comes from resentment.

Another good practice is to close your eyes, & envision the word "Peace". Meditate on that word for 2 minutes straight, allowing no other thoughts to enter your mind. Then your body will feel at peace.

Symmetry

My path towards forgiveness started the day I googled "I hate my mother". I was lead to a forum about all these terrible mothers that described mine to a T. A member suggested looking up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. NPD is a mental illness and describes my mother and my childhood exactly. People who are abusive and controlling are delusional and have some level of mental illness/personality disorder.

Once I understood my mother was/is ill, I was able to perceive her as someone who needs help rather than an evil terrible monster. As a child I did not have the power to do this for obvious reasons but as an adult and someone on a healing path I believe I have a responsibility to those less capable. Even if that responsibility is as simple as feeling compassion. From a very long distance.

Beebizzy

Resentment is exactly why I drank. Oh it didn't start like that but it certainly ended like that. I would sit there and mull, brood, stew, and get angry over how certain people had treated me and things that had happened that day. I really would work myself up into a right state. Then I'd collapse in bed, grind my teeth all night, and wake up at 3am with the invariable sweats, panic, anxiety etc. Oh it was great - really great and so healthy. NOT.

Of course I would never actually DO anything about it during the sober hours - oh no, that would have involved conflict (god forbid!) and maybe even assertive positive action. We couldn't have that...

Now that I am a mere 5-ish weeks sober I am able to see what RaiderRuss says above. I feel a sort of compassion for these toxic people now. I am able to separate me from them in my head and take a bit of distance. I am able to realise that, indeed, they do not deserve to dictate the state of my mental health.

Honestly, I'm not sure how this will continue to work out and I have a LOT of work to do still with my therapist on these types of issues. But at least I see them clearly now, and what dynamic was at work. It's a start.

Thanks for this post LO2L and to all who replied,
BB

yeahgr8

Ive had to have a talk with a couple of people in sobriety explaining how they make me feel, fortunately for me they have changed their behaviour somewhat after i explained that wither they change their behaviour or i will need to change mine to them, i.e. not see them unless i really have to!

It all changed for me when i did the steps in AA, i changed a lot and, as a result, in this instance i was able to say hmm this person makes me feel like crap, what was their purpose again? Before i was far too much of a doormat, needy and really didn't know myself well enough to be able to express to anyone about my feelings without them rightfully thinking that it was just another tantrum and i shouldn't be listened to as i will come around again eventually...

As for resentments now, well i still get angry of course and pissed off but this will last only a short time...i seem unable to carry the resentments around for weeks like i used to...that's because i changed:-)

Terminally Unique

Cherish your anger, and your resentments. They are a natural function of a healthy mind, letting you know that people are taking advantage of you, and letting others know not to do it again. Without them, you would be a sitting duck for wolves in sheep's clothing, and you would not be able to survive for long in this world. If you aren't angry, you aren't paying attention. Avoid the toxic people that you can avoid, and draw lines in the sand for those you cannot.

FBL

Part of my process of getting and staying sober has been letting go of my anger and resentments. I'm a much healthier and happier person now than I've ever been. I believe the Golden Rule still applies in today's world.

Ranger

I agree this is good advice for those who lack emotional intelligence or who otherwise have poor discernment.

For the vast majority of us, however...

yeahgr8

This is exactly the way i would think when i was in active addiction, that i have to be on my guard against people looking to fool me or take advantage (paranoia) when most of the human race is busy getting on with their own lives and would help a total stranger in a moment of need! That and justifiable anger which would mean i would be totally pissed off at anything that didn't go my way...an excellent pathway back to the bar!

Terminally Unique

The intended irony of the first sentence in my post seems to have escaped you.

Only addicted people, and those still thinking like addicted people, are afraid of their own feelings.

Mark75

Letting go of resentments does not mean becoming a door mat.

I am really pissed and resentful right now at a credit card company... I mean, really seeing red. They are definitely in the wrong and I plan to deal with them... But not until I've worked through the resentment. How can I see clearly when all I see is red? And I can't effectively deal with it until I see clearly.

And I gotta tell you, while I was not going to, the siren song of a drink was playing softly while I was thinking about the injustice of it all. LOL.

Edit... I also thought of going into NYC and joining those demonstrators on Wall Street... hmm... I hate mace and billy clubs though!! LOL...