BobGT

Some people count days, some don't.
Some people watch soap operas, some don't.
Some people like sports, some don't.
Some people go to church, some don't.

People will do what they will do, and wondering why they are different from us is natural, but it doesn't accomplish much.

Mark75

Choublak

Your questions are good ones. I see another issue with this and other threads you have started in this section. I see it because I can relate. When I first started in recovery, I was very concerned about my wife. What does she think of all of this... How will she manage? Is she resentful? What can I do to make her journey easier? What does this new way of life mean for us?

I posted frequently in Friends and Family. They were kind and considerate and I am grateful for their honest and sincere answers to all my questions.

Ultimately I realized that the questions I had were not answerable, at least by others, especially in this format. Those answers, I came to understand, would come in God's time, not mine. And more importantly, that my job was to get myself recovered. Whatever journey my wife was on .... was her's to take.

There is lots and lots of good news out there for couples who have had to struggle with addiction and alcoholism. Most of those with succesful experiences just go on with their lives. Only a few of them stick around internet forums for very long, and sometimes I wonder what I am still doing here... well I think it's because I have good news... I guess I want to try and share it.

My wife and I just celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary... We are happy. No, it wasn't easy these past three years, but we are here, standing as one... And, um, ....why do we count and celebrate our years together? Because we started a new life together all those years ago and it's nice to express our gratitude.

Whatever journey in recovery you must take as your partner takes his, is yours to take... You have your own challenges, don't add his to yours, it's a burden and you can't help with most if it anyway.

soberlicious

that is beautiful mark75...thank you for sharing

Seren

I'm wondering why, if you think counting days is unnecessary, and your bf (an admitted binge drinker) thinks counting days is unnecessary, it bothers you that anyone unrelated to you counts days or does anything else in their own recovery that does not impact you at all? IMHO, it's not my business or anyone else's business how someone handles their own recovery.

IMHO, that is an overgeneralization of the folks on the F&F side of the boards. Since I am coming from the Friends and Family forum, I can say that not all alcoholics are manipulators. However, it is very common for an active alcoholic to lie to, cheat, steal from, and manipulate the people in their lives in order to protect/maintain their drinking. It is not, however, a 100% correlation.

Unfortunately, as others have already stated on this thread, most of the folks who are happily living with a former drinker do not spend a lot of time on these boards.

I hope you find the answers you are seeking, choublak.

Best, HG

alchy

No. Because people aren't addicted to being in jail.

loveon2legs

At the beginning of my recovery I DID count days..hell I was counting minutes!! To someone who doesn't understand addiction..counting couldn't possibly make sense....some of us lived and breathed alcohol....and it has taken all our strength and courage to battle this demon...some of us would be DEAD if we hadn't counted days/minutes..heartbeats..whatever...it is a HELL of an accomplishment..to come from a place of darkness...to change behaviours so ingrained in your personality....I know for a FACT that I am a better person now because of it....and every single person here who has given every ounce of their soul for recovery should be EXTREMELY PROUD of themselves! That being said, I still count the months...it keeps me check...lets me be aware of how far I have come... as far as being manipulative...I don't think that JUST applies to alcoholics/addicts...it's a common thing now in the general population...along with alot of traits that we alcoholics get labelled as...............

Freedom1990

Thank you for the heartfelt post, and I can relate to counting minutes in early sobriety!

Today I know my sobriety date, but don't sit and count each day persay.

I celebrate with others in recovery on my sobriety anniversary because it is important to acknowledge how far I have come in life while in recovery.

Zencat

As an alcoholic I don't count the days. I make the days count.
I see continued sobriety more as a personal achievement. I'm proud to have overcome an illness that would have me maimed or dead. Like any important accomplishment. It feels great to beat the odds, yet I don't gloat about it every day. Because abstinence or non-addiction drinking is the proper way to treat alcohol in the first place.

sobervic

It seems like you're overlooking the responses and helpful analogies. Or, maybe I'm misunderstanding the purpose of this thread.

Terminally Unique

I myself do follow choublak's line of thinking. I do not cherish past drunken episodes, and I categorically refuse to enshrine my last one with anniversaries and other sentimental activities.

Forget it.

Dee74

My sobriety date is just that tho - the first day I was sober...like I said...new life.

It's got nothing to do at all with enshrining drunken escapades or celebrating them - at least not in my experience.

I can understand the OP not knowing that - hopefully it's a little clear for her now - but surely you know that TU?

Your reasoning escapes me here.
D

Terminally Unique

There are two ways of looking at sober anniversaries. The first is as a new life, like you mentioned, and the second is as celebrating something that one should be doing anyway. Choublak, it seems to me, comes from a more traditional family, and is looking at it from this second viewpoint.

To celebrate a sober anniversary necessarily gives the old life some recognition. I certainly understand both points of view, but I do follow her logic. It is not, as some are suggesting, so strange. It is quite common, actually, particularly in certain cultures, such as my own native one.

I cannot even fathom mentioning the idea of a sober anniversary in my family.

Dee74

Ok....it's a little clearer now....I understand the celebrating what you should have been doing all along viewpoint...

but I wasn't doing what I should have been - and to me thats the whole point.

I was wasting my life, now I'm not.
I should be dead. I'm not...It took me 15 years but I finally got it right.

I'm thankful for that, and grateful I got a 'do-over'.

If some want to catergorise that as 'celebrating' that's fine, but I've never had a sobriety bday party

not sure I agree with this tho TU

not unless remembering how I used to live as a kind of cautionary tale is 'giving some recognition'

thanks for clearing up what you were about tho
D

Terminally Unique

It's interesting, because although I understand why people do it, whenever American friends have tried to congratulate me on sober time, it still always felt wrong. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I didn't even want to acknowledge it. I'm not one for too much introspection, but I suspect our culture shapes us in ways we don't often perceive.

Terminally Unique

It does, though, in a way. Again, there are two ways of looking at it. The rational self, which recognizes the horror of the past life, sees it as a cautionary tale. There is another part, though, that may secretly yearn to drink again, and which may be glorifying the old life.

Some people are often nervous around their sober anniversary. I have seen many pick up their yearly chip, only to pick up a 24-hour chip a few weeks later, and I always found this curious. I'm sure that others have seen this phenomenon as well.

TigerLili

Every moment in which I don't pick up a drink is a small miracle and some days, as loveon2legs says, I'm making it from heartbeat to heartbeat. I've sat with white knuckles and stared at the clock as it ticked over to midnight in order to get another day sober.

I don't think I'll ever stop counting days because it keeps me accountable. I NEED to be reminded of what it was like for me. I need to look back and see ok, if I've gone a week, I can go another day. I can stave off the craving and compulsion for another 24 hours. Just for today. Just for this moment, I will ignore the compulsion to drink.

FWIW, I've tried RR/AVRT and although the information is useful, it alone didn't keep me from drinking, although the person who put me onto it found it successful for her. I always recommend it to people as something to consider.

Dee74

I still think there's many more cogent reasons for people relapsing than their sober anniversaries tho.

I know from my own history, I drank again many times - sometimes I grew complacent, sometimes I was delusional, sometimes I wanted to beat myself up, and sometimes I knew what to do to stay sober and just didn't care.

The list was endless really.

I don't doubt sober anniversaries can sometimes be stressful...the idea of PAWs suggests its an intrinsically cyclical thing tho - not based on whether we consciously observe anniversaries, count days or not.

I think blaming sober anniversaries for relapses might be missing the point at best, and misrepresenting it at worst...

it may be a factor but it's not a reason, IMO.

D

Terminally Unique

It's always "this moment" though, no? One hour from now, it will be this moment, when it comes, and two hours from now, it will also be this moment. The same is true of tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, etc.

Something to consider...

TigerLili

Not sure what point you're making, Terminally Unique. Could you be more explicit? There's only 'this moment' in Zen terms. Is that what you mean?

If you mean I'll always be figthing the compulsion, that's not true in my experience. I get to a point where the compulsion and craving is lifted and the thought of drinking alcohol is truly repugnant.

^ this by a million, Dee74.

The psychology and physiology of addiction is complex. There's no one answer or one way.

Boleo

It's always "a tightrope" though, no? One hour from now, it will be this tightrope, when it comes, and two hours from now, it will also be this tightrope. The same is true of tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, etc.

I tried walking a tightrope for years. Although I never felt it was impossible, I always felt that it was arduous. The constant fear and dread made sobriety a cross to bare. Until I replaced that tightrope with a bridge, sobriety was not worth the having.

Today I have a two-lane bridge to walk on. I can slip, stumble and zig-zag to some degree and still make it across. I do not worry about the wind or small storms interfering with my journey. Sure, a hurricane might blow me off, but hurricanes are beyond any human's control. Today I feel liberated from the delicate balancing act.