Feeling BEEN THER DONE THAT!!
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Feeling BEEN THER DONE THAT!!
I gotta ask this.. Over the years I have been sober, and not. Been back and forth. But just recently nowafter back and forth over the past few weeks sober& not... (had near 5 yrs before that) I find myself being "holier than thou" now.
i.e- At a meeting someone talks about 2 yrs sober I think "been there done that I was over 5 yrs sober, sit your ass down bi&^%#@".
I guess what I am saying is I now find myself very above others now and thinking that I been there done that ya know? Why do I feel that way, is that normal?
Because I know I'm just another drunk like the next guy. So why do I feel so much "better" than others at these meetings??
Steve
i.e- At a meeting someone talks about 2 yrs sober I think "been there done that I was over 5 yrs sober, sit your ass down bi&^%#@".
I guess what I am saying is I now find myself very above others now and thinking that I been there done that ya know? Why do I feel that way, is that normal?
Because I know I'm just another drunk like the next guy. So why do I feel so much "better" than others at these meetings??
Steve
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i.e- At a meeting someone talks about 2 yrs sober I think "been there done that I was over 5 yrs sober, sit your ass down bi&^%#@".
I don't know what to tell you bro. Maybe you are projecting anger and resentment over having relapsed when you were so close to 5 years.
I don't know what to tell you bro. Maybe you are projecting anger and resentment over having relapsed when you were so close to 5 years.
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I have to say that doesn't sound like you Steve.
I'm no psychologist - but maybe on some level you're beating yourself up over your recent relapse...and this crosstalk in your head is you trying to make yourself feel good...even if it is at others expense?
I used to do that a bit myself - when I was still drinking, and truth be told in early recovery.
It's not the way to go bro...I'm sure there are lots of possitive things in your life to feel good about - and lots of positive ways you can feel good.
Ever thought of doing some volunteer work? It's a great way to feel good - and you're doing good too...it always helped me re-center myself
D
I'm no psychologist - but maybe on some level you're beating yourself up over your recent relapse...and this crosstalk in your head is you trying to make yourself feel good...even if it is at others expense?
I used to do that a bit myself - when I was still drinking, and truth be told in early recovery.
It's not the way to go bro...I'm sure there are lots of possitive things in your life to feel good about - and lots of positive ways you can feel good.
Ever thought of doing some volunteer work? It's a great way to feel good - and you're doing good too...it always helped me re-center myself
D
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I don't think it's "holier than thou", I think you are now realistic and know the pitfalls. Obviously I have never had that kind of time under my belt, but I do know, (after my one relapse), that time equals nothing if your brain isn't in the right spot. Because if somewhere deep down you still have an urge to drink more than likely you will....whether it be 1 month, 1 year, or 1 decade. By you saying, "been there done that I was over 5 yrs sober, sit your ass down bi&^%#@". You are just letting yourself know that you aren't really safe if you still have the urge.
I wouldn't make to much out of it, we have conversations within ourselves all day long, and I think you are just putting you on notice.
I wouldn't make to much out of it, we have conversations within ourselves all day long, and I think you are just putting you on notice.
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Or maybe you are just having an off day - you can always start the day over any time...with gratitude? I do get what you are saying and sometimes i feel that way too (defense mechanism)...although it always ends up being something that I need to look at about myself. I had a long stretch of sobriety as well and am sober again now....and at times I beat myself up over lost time. All my prayers that you find peace.
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 
Have you worked the steps? Today you don't have 5 continuous years. Sounds lke your ego rebuilt itself stronger than before. Egos like to rebuild. Maybe working the steps would help?
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I have to say that doesn't sound like you Steve.
Steve
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Have you worked the steps? Today you don't have 5 continuous years. Sounds lke your ego rebuilt itself stronger than before. Egos like to rebuild. Maybe working the steps would help?
This time no. I have not "Yet".
I went through all 12 steps the last time and did well....but relapsed hence my ego/anger this time. Because the past relapsed was about last 2nd relapse(6th real relapse over the past 10 yrs)...or more.
Steve
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Just to give a bit more info, because like Dee said. I know this does not sound like the normal me, but it's just my thoughts lately....
I think the main thing is that I have done all 12 steps over the years, I have been to countless AA meetings, I have done a 90 day IOP/intensive out patient program, basically doe it all. So it's hard for me to redo it all. It gives me a Ego big time I guess. Because I feel like I have done all this so already, and it didn't work, so why am I doing it yet AGAIN ya know.
Just being honest and sharing my feelings is all, sorry if I sound like a jerk because I don't mean to come across like that.
Steve
I think the main thing is that I have done all 12 steps over the years, I have been to countless AA meetings, I have done a 90 day IOP/intensive out patient program, basically doe it all. So it's hard for me to redo it all. It gives me a Ego big time I guess. Because I feel like I have done all this so already, and it didn't work, so why am I doing it yet AGAIN ya know.
Just being honest and sharing my feelings is all, sorry if I sound like a jerk because I don't mean to come across like that.
Steve
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Well AA and the steps works for lots of people - I know folks who've done the steps multiple times too
Sounds like you're trudging right now.
I guess you have to work out whether you really feel it didn't/doesn't work for you, or whether you honestly feel you'd given it all you could in the past Steve - and then work from there?
D
Sounds like you're trudging right now.
I guess you have to work out whether you really feel it didn't/doesn't work for you, or whether you honestly feel you'd given it all you could in the past Steve - and then work from there?
D
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Dee I'm just havin trouble getting "re"started again bud. I think that's all. Because I have been back to meetings the past couple weeks, but eh....
But what has been rough is just that I feel I have done all this before. But I think I feel that way because In know I have tried before and I'm just lookin for a easy way out again.
I dunno man, I just need to get back on track and stop making excuses .
Steve
But what has been rough is just that I feel I have done all this before. But I think I feel that way because In know I have tried before and I'm just lookin for a easy way out again.
I dunno man, I just need to get back on track and stop making excuses .
Steve
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Just a FYI....because I am getting a bit tired of the routine of meetings and such. I'm headed to a 7am meeting in a bit. Figure since I'm feeling somewhat tired of the same ol same ol maybe its time a different/early meeting might do me some good.
So headed to a early morning 7am meeting in a differnt (5 mile away) city which I have never been too. I get maybe 3 hrs of sleep a night at best now a day so might as well put that awake time to good use I guess.
Worth a try IMO. Maybe it will make me feel better about redoing all this I hope.
Steve
So headed to a early morning 7am meeting in a differnt (5 mile away) city which I have never been too. I get maybe 3 hrs of sleep a night at best now a day so might as well put that awake time to good use I guess.
Worth a try IMO. Maybe it will make me feel better about redoing all this I hope.
Steve
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I really liked early morning meetings Steve...it made my day go smoother..
It's a true miracle you survived that last bender and de tox....Steps or no Steps......I strongly suggest you get into a gratitude mind set..
Prayers keep me growing...ask God what you can do each day to help someone else less fortunate than you.
It's a true miracle you survived that last bender and de tox....Steps or no Steps......I strongly suggest you get into a gratitude mind set..
Prayers keep me growing...ask God what you can do each day to help someone else less fortunate than you.
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Carol this is by far the earliest meeting I have ever went too, normally I'm not even out of the house by 2pm lol. But I'm actually looking fwd to this early one and see how it goes. I'll post back later today about how I like it. Hoping to meet some new people since I have never been to this one. (leaving in about 10 mins for it)
I hear ya about being lucky I made it through the last bender, I know I was lucky. I drank more than I ever have as well as got introduced to a couple new "pharmaceuticals" which I never knew existed by a "friend" during that last relapse. It was not pretty by any means, I feel lucky to just even be alive to complain about meetings to be honest. But I do thank God that he got me through that last episode for sure. Because I should not have made it that's for sure.
I'll post back in a bit when I get back from the early meeting and let you know how it was. Hope you all have a great day.
Steve
I hear ya about being lucky I made it through the last bender, I know I was lucky. I drank more than I ever have as well as got introduced to a couple new "pharmaceuticals" which I never knew existed by a "friend" during that last relapse. It was not pretty by any means, I feel lucky to just even be alive to complain about meetings to be honest. But I do thank God that he got me through that last episode for sure. Because I should not have made it that's for sure.
I'll post back in a bit when I get back from the early meeting and let you know how it was. Hope you all have a great day.
Steve
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Steve,
I feel compelled to be honest with you. Hopefully, it will do more good than patting you on the back and telling you the lie that everything will be alright. Because most likely, it won't be alright. Your own experience tells you that in spite of getting sober multiple time, in spite of doing some work in the program, in spite of attending meetings, you still pick up a drink. The odds of that pattern changing just because you want it to, or because you think you've got it figured out, are slim to none.
I've been reading your posts since I joined this forum. Before every one of your relapses, I've sent you a word of caution that you sounded like you were on dangerous ground, and suggested some real action in the Steps. Every time, you've been convinced that you had the power to stay sober by doing exactly the same things you've been doing.
My experience tells me that the road gets narrower. Yesterday's spiritual work and experience, just like yesterday's food, does not keep me nourished today. I have to continue to grow spiritually. That requires more work on my part, and a continued practice of the principles of the program. I've had, many times, to give up what I think I learned before, and start from a fresh perspective with the Steps. I suggest you do the same. Give up what you think you know about the AA program, the BB, about yourself, and about a higher power, and be open to new experience. It just might save your life.
I feel compelled to be honest with you. Hopefully, it will do more good than patting you on the back and telling you the lie that everything will be alright. Because most likely, it won't be alright. Your own experience tells you that in spite of getting sober multiple time, in spite of doing some work in the program, in spite of attending meetings, you still pick up a drink. The odds of that pattern changing just because you want it to, or because you think you've got it figured out, are slim to none.
I've been reading your posts since I joined this forum. Before every one of your relapses, I've sent you a word of caution that you sounded like you were on dangerous ground, and suggested some real action in the Steps. Every time, you've been convinced that you had the power to stay sober by doing exactly the same things you've been doing.
My experience tells me that the road gets narrower. Yesterday's spiritual work and experience, just like yesterday's food, does not keep me nourished today. I have to continue to grow spiritually. That requires more work on my part, and a continued practice of the principles of the program. I've had, many times, to give up what I think I learned before, and start from a fresh perspective with the Steps. I suggest you do the same. Give up what you think you know about the AA program, the BB, about yourself, and about a higher power, and be open to new experience. It just might save your life.
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Originally Posted by keithj
My experience tells me that the road gets narrower. Yesterday's spiritual work and experience, just like yesterday's food, does not keep me nourished today. I have to continue to grow spiritually. That requires more work on my part, and a continued practice of the principles of the program.
It also requires "continued practice of the principles" before personality - My personality.
"Nothing ventured - Nothing gained".
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Its a real problem isn't it! I'm not sure if it's denial or just plain insanity(not sound thinking)? I can totally relate to it thought even not having been in the same situation, the best one is when someone says they came into the rooms in 1975 then you find out 5 mins later they have been sober for 20 years of that and held GSR position so they must be doing something right then they go and to tell they have been institutionalised about 30 times in that period drunk and sober etc etc etc then you think hmmm not so impressive after all!
I know that as far as sobriety goes its quality that counts:-)
I know that as far as sobriety goes its quality that counts:-)
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Originally Posted by keithj
Steve,
I feel compelled to be honest with you. Hopefully, it will do more good than patting you on the back and telling you the lie that everything will be alright. Because most likely, it won't be alright. Your own experience tells you that in spite of getting sober multiple time, in spite of doing some work in the program, in spite of attending meetings, you still pick up a drink. The odds of that pattern changing just because you want it to, or because you think you've got it figured out, are slim to none.
I've been reading your posts since I joined this forum. Before every one of your relapses, I've sent you a word of caution that you sounded like you were on dangerous ground, and suggested some real action in the Steps. Every time, you've been convinced that you had the power to stay sober by doing exactly the same things you've been doing.
My experience tells me that the road gets narrower. Yesterday's spiritual work and experience, just like yesterday's food, does not keep me nourished today. I have to continue to grow spiritually. That requires more work on my part, and a continued practice of the principles of the program. I've had, many times, to give up what I think I learned before, and start from a fresh perspective with the Steps. I suggest you do the same. Give up what you think you know about the AA program, the BB, about yourself, and about a higher power, and be open to new experience. It just might save your life.
I feel compelled to be honest with you. Hopefully, it will do more good than patting you on the back and telling you the lie that everything will be alright. Because most likely, it won't be alright. Your own experience tells you that in spite of getting sober multiple time, in spite of doing some work in the program, in spite of attending meetings, you still pick up a drink. The odds of that pattern changing just because you want it to, or because you think you've got it figured out, are slim to none.
I've been reading your posts since I joined this forum. Before every one of your relapses, I've sent you a word of caution that you sounded like you were on dangerous ground, and suggested some real action in the Steps. Every time, you've been convinced that you had the power to stay sober by doing exactly the same things you've been doing.
My experience tells me that the road gets narrower. Yesterday's spiritual work and experience, just like yesterday's food, does not keep me nourished today. I have to continue to grow spiritually. That requires more work on my part, and a continued practice of the principles of the program. I've had, many times, to give up what I think I learned before, and start from a fresh perspective with the Steps. I suggest you do the same. Give up what you think you know about the AA program, the BB, about yourself, and about a higher power, and be open to new experience. It just might save your life.
Keith I appreciated that. It does does me a lot to think about. I appreciate your being so strait fwd.
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i know how you feel Steve. I was on the revolving door for a long ass time before i got a good stretch. i never made 5 years, but about 15 years ago, i got a year.
my opinion...it seems like what your feeling to me is the feeling that there is no more "pink cloud" to travel on, no more "sobriety wonder" in the early days. You know, that immense gratitude and humility you feel that you even survived your last binge?
This time, i'm betting that it's more of a feeling like "fuken dammit, now all the work starts AGAIN".
that's the way i used to feel.
that's why it gets harder and harder to come back everytime you relapse. the hope dies a little more, the spirit becomes a little more beaten, the will to carry on gets a little more tiring. The reality of how terribly low of a statistic long term sobriety is becomes apparent.
all you can do is do what you're doing. share about it. that's a GOOD thing. the more you relate your struggles with others, the more of a reprieve you get from this horrible obsession.
my opinion...it seems like what your feeling to me is the feeling that there is no more "pink cloud" to travel on, no more "sobriety wonder" in the early days. You know, that immense gratitude and humility you feel that you even survived your last binge?
This time, i'm betting that it's more of a feeling like "fuken dammit, now all the work starts AGAIN".
that's the way i used to feel.
that's why it gets harder and harder to come back everytime you relapse. the hope dies a little more, the spirit becomes a little more beaten, the will to carry on gets a little more tiring. The reality of how terribly low of a statistic long term sobriety is becomes apparent.
all you can do is do what you're doing. share about it. that's a GOOD thing. the more you relate your struggles with others, the more of a reprieve you get from this horrible obsession.
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