another evening of drinking
 

I am being perfectly honest with all of you and to myself especially.....yet i am going to drink tonite, just like last nite....i'm not working tomorrow so therefore i will chuck down a bunch of beer, listen to music and dance with my partner in "crime"....so to speak..he's a heavy drinker also
I just signed on yesterday, today....well, i couldn't wait to get back to sr.
Tomorrow i will let the guilt flood me with anguish, I get a bit paranoid thinking, when i go shopping for food, that everyone is looking at me in a disgusting way..that's what the good time tonite will do for me tomorrow even though i dress very well, and always paste a smile on my face. i am i present myself well yet don't feel balanced with the world at all!
oh well.......sigh....txs for listening

So you have no plan whatsoever to quit drinking?

that really doesn't sound like too much fun to me. take care.

Hi Sunday, it sounds like you are starting to question the costs of your drinking, the funny feeling you get the next day, versus the fun you had the night before. It's a tough thing, to get to the point you know a problem is afoot, and that make plans to stop, stop, and then to stay stopped. But I see that spark of awareness, that tiny flame, and you can't start a fire without a spark, as Bruce Springsteen said.

"I get up in the evening
and I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark..."

Here's to that spark that helps you on your way. Maybe that spark is posting here, just keeping the idea open in your mind that quitting is possible.

Thanks for posting, and I wish you the best of luck in your path in life,

H. Pup

What Husky Pup said:)

Also sending you my thoughts and prayers that this pattern ends for you soon.

Have you talked about quitting with your partner by the way?

I've read your other posts....Welcome...:wave:

Please don't be useing your sleep aid with alcohol. That is very dangerous and can be fatal.
I think passing out with a toxic liquid ..alcohol..is also risky.

Please check with your doctor and ask about both your alcoholism and anxiety. Counseling might also be useful.
.

I hope you and your drinking husband are not driving around anywhere. ..at least that would limit your chances of harming others.

I remember those days, Sunday.

When I think back to what else I willingly gave up for that night of drinking, I'm still sad.
I really was deluded.

There's a lot of support here if you decide you want to use it :)

D

Sympathy is with you tonight Sunday. Life doesn't need to be like this. Plenty if people here to help you become strong if you let them.

You don't sound like you really want to drink. So why do it? You want to dance & listen to music, so how about finding a concert to go to? Yes there is alcohol there but it is not the main focus like in a bar. Or put on some music at home and dance! Both of those options will leave you feeling good about yourself tomorrow.

Sunday, welcome to SR!

I remember that next-day paranoia thing as well - everything seems distorted, exaggerated, weird. It's not much of a way to live

I agree with HuskyPup as well - keep indulging those doubts you're having about drinking :-)

Best of luck to you,
BB

Welcome to SR, Sunday. I remember getting to the place where you are right now. Drinking stopped being about fun and more about the guilt and the not-quite-there-yet desire to stop. The addict part of me didn't WANT to stop, and since that part "rewarded" me with fleeting good feelings, I went with that for quite a long time. I had more hangovers to live through before the desire to stop and to have a life free of alcohol was greater than my inner addict's voice.

Best to you and may you reach the place you need to be to want sobriety enough to get help and recover.

I lived like that for years. It wasn't until I stopped for good that I realized the alcohol was the CAUSE of my problems, not the SOLUTION. I wish you the best.

That was me. Well dressed, put together on the outside, a complete mess on the inside. That incongruence was exhausting. I remember this feeling of deep deep sadness. Now that I am sober, I still experience sadness at times, but it is not the same kind of darkness I lived with for all those years.

Dancing, music, sex, loving a partner...all those things are so much crisper and intense when sober. I have been able to experience heatpounding thrills and joy that are simply not possible to feel when numbed. I've said this before, but experiencing life without being drunk is a high in itself.

You can quit if you want to. Peace to you, sunday...

Thank you so very much for the kindness you all put out, thank goodness i wasn't being judged, instead, encouraged! No we don't go to bars, we stay home, never do we drive!
Didn't dance last nite, just sat and talked for hours and hours, mentioned to my hubby about all of this and he says "ya just have to know when to quit and call it a night" Next thing ya know there's another beer in front of me.
I really don't think i want to stop yet......not just yet, and that's a problem.
thanks so much

Sunday, when you are ready we will be here.

There are always AA meetings with tons of support and a 24hour hotline if you change you decide somewhere or sometime where you cannot get online to SR.

I too first started thinking Perhaps there is "another way" for me to live wihout hangovers, guilt and shame, sickness, liver issues, etc. I saw those on the streets who unfortunatly did not yet get the "willingness" to give up the drink and were on there last days. Thankfully i found this site and that was the first step for me. Just the fact of signing on to Sober Recovery made me just a bit willing enough to realize that i was not alone and soo many others here are going through what i am going through. THe doubts The fears the shame and guilt. Some stories much worse then my own, some people o could not relate too, but it did not matter because we had a common desire a common goal, to live a sober life, to try and free ourselves from the obsession to drink.

This place along with AA meetings and working the 12 steps of recovery, changed my life for the better. I am so happy you are here. I want you to know, you are not alone, keep coming back.

I won't trade my worst day sober for my best day drunk.

It is exactly this kind of post that stops even the littlest hint in my brain of taking a wee sip of liquor. I don't want to jump back on that train. Life is hard enough without adding an addiction onto it, for me anyways. 10 weeks for me this Tuesday.

Good luck, honestly to you for finding sobriety.

I can relate. I knew I wanted to be sober "someday," just not THAT particular day. Maybe next week or next year.....

I'm glad you're here. It took me some time to build up to my decision to get sober. I was drinking when I first started reading on this forum and I was drinking when I made my first post.

Do you know what would make you want to stop drinking? I ask that question because I think it finally dawned on me that if I waited until I "felt" like stopping, was I just waiting for something bad to happen? Would would that be? And what if it didn't work - what if it made me want to drink even more? What would I do then?

Something inside me said "Why not avoid the pain before it happens? You know you're going to get sober 'someday', so why not get it over with, get free from this, and go on with life?" I don't know where that little bit of sanity came from, but I have a sneaky suspicion that it had to do with hanging out on this forum.:)

I hope you continue to read/post. You have a lot going for you, including your honesty.:c011:

That's an all too common scenario, unfortunately.

Exactly the same for me - I wanted to quit but I didn't want to quit. It was SR which FINALLY 'drove' me to realise exactly the extent of what alcohol had taken from me. Reading it in black and white is hard to dodge or avoid or not think about.

Started reading SR in November 2010, joined in February 2011 - quit August 20th 2011. It took some time (and my therapist telling me there was nothing she could for me until/unless I quit), but by 'quit day' I was fully ready and committed and couldn't wait for my new life to start.

It wasn't a license to drink for longer, or anything like that (I hated it) - it just takes the time that it takes (and the detox doc being on a long vacation :-)).

Good luck to you!

BB