recoverywfaith

One of my co-workers was discussing a bar she went to that had good covers for Pink Floyd and old bands...whom I used to enjoy listening to. So my question is this...if she were to ever ask me to go...I mean I could say I do not drink...but then she could say you do not have to drink (all the what if scenarios). Anyway I do not want to say anything demeaning...like oh I do not go to bars. What should I say...any suggestions?

LaFemme

How long have you been sober? Sorry, I can't keep track.

I went to a bar the other night by myself, I had been working hard for 3-4 days with the Hurricane in town and was exhausted and wanted to go out to eat. I was alone so I sat at the bar and ate. It was fine.

My feeling is...if your sobriety is solid, if you are going for a specific Non-alcohol reason (band, food) and you don't make it a habit then going to a bar isn't the end of the world.

I think I am a minority in this opinion so take it with a grain of salt.

Taking5

What is so demeaning about saying "I don't go to bars"?

recoverywfaith

19 months sober and new to the work force after 14 mos. of being laid off. Just want to be professional and polite should she ask. It is all the what if's...she may not even ask.

checkmate1

I go to pubs and bars all the time. At most once a week to see bands play. I don't feel the urge to drink in there and glad I'm not. If someone asks I just say I don't drink I'm pretty open about it truth is noone really cares that you don't drink. I'm almost 5 months sober.

TwelveSteps

I go to bars too, because I live in a major city where everybody has tiny apartments, and that's just where my non-sober friends tend to get together out of convenience, plus I see a lot of live music that's often performed in bars. When I was earlier in sobriety I would (1) always give my friends the caveat that I would like to go, but if I don't show up, it is because I just didn't feel solid enough to be around people drinking on that particular evening and (2) never give anyone a ride, so I felt comfortable leaving immediately if and when I felt at all "shaky."

But if you don't want to go to a bar at all, I think it's perfectly fine to say something like, "I don't drink, so hanging out in bars isn't that fun for me... but would you like to get dinner instead?" (so she doesn't take it as just that you're blowing off her attempt at friendship).

GG

Beebizzy

recoverywfaith,

I'm not sure I'm understanding you correctly.

Are you saying you genuinely would like to go to hear the bands, but you'd rather not hang out in bars? If so, why then would you need to explain anything? Could you not just decline the 'occasion' rather than explain why you are declining the 'location'? Maybe you could say that you're not free that evening (or whatever) but (as TwelveSteps says) propose something else, if you'd like to develop a friendship with this person? (And if not, then don't even propose something else).

Admittedly, this leaves you not hearing the bands. But if she doesn't ask, you wouldn't be going anyway, right, if I understand you correctly?

The thing is, if she asks you if you'd like to go hear the bands with her, and you say 'I don't drink' (or whatever) - she might think 'I don't get the link, I'm not asking you to drink, I'm asking you to listen to the bands' (as you say). You know?

FWIW, I just simply wouldn't go there.

Sorry if I'm being dense, but I'm not sure whether your main concern is: wanting to hear the bands but not wanting to go to the bar; not wanting to offend this person or appear rude; or, how to explain the fact that you won't be drinking alcohol in the bar (which I don't think is required). Or all of the above...?

In any case, good luck to you!

BB

stugotz

I go to Bars sometimes. Early on I couldnt. If it doesnt feel right dont do it.

Hevyn

I go to bars occasionally too - but I realize it's not advisable for most of us. As LaFemme said, if your sobriety is solid you should be alright - but if you think there's any possibility it'll be a challenge, don't chance it.

Congratulations on your 19 mos. - that is fabulous.

Symmetry

It's all in your perception. If you perceive the world as an evil place then just don't ever leave your house.

There are moments when I feel completely detached from the reality of alcoholism and what it means to others or how others allow it to destroy their lives.

I do not believe in some kind of secret policy that people in recovery or that people choosing not to drink should not go to bars. Especially if you feel solid in your convictions.

Thanks for allowing me to explore that one

Dee74

Seems to me rwf, you're pretty clear you don't want to go to bars, and I respect that position

As to what you can say to people who might ask you to, without offending them or having to reveal too much of your personal history, I'm not sure.

Maybe sometimes just being honest - I don't drink and I'm not a bar type person - is good?
Real friends will appreciate the real you anyway )

I also like the idea of trying to arrange something else like twelvesteps suggested

D

Stang

I don't get it either. It's like all these threads "What do I say When Someone Offers Me A Drink". Ah ..."no thank you" works just fine.

CarolD

RF....

This is a brand new job....so you may not wish to get to know anyone there outside of work anyway.
I prefer to keep business associates to business hours...


If I intended to go sit for hours in a bar...I would ask AA friends to go with me. Not because I nneeded them to stop me from drinking ..
rather because they are friends . My evenings and week ends are for friends.....

Reset

I've been in bars more than a few times. Usually to get some food. It was fine.

If you want to see the band and think you'll be comfortable there, another approach could be to not say anything until you get there. When it's time to order say, "I don't drink alcohol but please go right ahead."

Anyway La Femme and Stugotz pretty much said everything else I was going to say.

recoverywfaith

Thanks everyone for your take on things. If I was not clear I apologize. Guess the fear got me (healthy fear) because I like the bands...and wanted to be solid (in a recovery plan of action...should she ask). Think I will keep it professional and say no thank you...should she ask. Funny cause I like the bands but the thought is and has been that a bar would not be favorable to me right now.