Hudstar

Vent alert!


Yeah, I know. Glum thread title, but tonight's been a downer and I need to share:

I'm 10 months sober. The ups and downs of the journey of that time in recovery could fill several posts. But for the sake of this one, it's just, well... Parties.

Okay, I don't think it too preening to congratulate myself a little for tackling the social occasions I have done this year, Sober. I've been selective, cautious, always allowing myself an escape route, a 'clock off' point. And this summer alone - the 'party season' - I've attended two 30ths, two weddings, a small music festival and an engagement party. There's been some genuinely challenging ones, some really enjoyable ones where I actually felt... empowered (?) by my sobriety and a mixture of the two.

To put it in context; my crowd (and myself, by extension) really do party in the most hedonistic sense of the word. Loads of booze, throw in some casual drugs and happy mayhem usually follows. Goodtimes, or at least I thought they were (this being SR, I think we know the truth of it, as it relates to us addicts). To be fair, as we're all in our early 30's, ostensibly, the debauchery wears better clothes and converses in a slightly more mature pitch, but the veneer soon crumbles when the hooch starts flowing.

It's into these soirées that I've been skirmishing intermittently in an attempt to stay connected with these friends I care about, and who care about me, but -and there really is no other way to put it- my sobriety has put a wall between us. It's no secret, and I've had nothing but warm support from them. It's just... and here's where it gets hard to put my finger on it... there's this understanding that I'm only there amongst them for a quick visit before I leave them to the fun, the polite 'talking around IT', their mutually awkward attempts to conceal their inebriation in front of me like I would be offended (I'm not). And then there's all the things I'd always thought I needed to drink before I could relax and enjoy them: dancing, flirting, goofing around, entertaining a room etc. Nope, they were hard enough drunk; Sober, I find them goddamn impossible.

So tonight was like a microcosm of all those neuroses tied up in two unhappy, meet-&-greet, "Hi, fine, you?", best-face-forward hours until I succumbed to the raging self-pity and left them to get happily smashed together while I came home alone.

"Poor me, pour me, pour me a drink". Ah, we alcoholics: nobody can do self-pity like us. Still...

Ah, I don't know. It's all because my recovery's in a slump at the moment, I guess. Don't feel like I'm moving forward in work/life/love/home/whatever. Got my 'one year' looming and it feels like my alcoholism is beginning to rally for a big assault when it comes ("you made it", "just one", "a reward", "you can just quit again" and all the usual alkie ********). I can't afford to let these feelings jeopardise my recovery, so I won't. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

Anyway, in my modest 10 months free from active addiction, while recovery hasn't turned out to be a bed of roses exactly, it has at times revealed glimpses of a much better life, a much better Me and I feel I've only just skimmed the surface. If I just keep moving forward in recovery I know I'll find a lot more. Just, I guess, some days... it doesn't feel like it.

Thanks, SR

Dee74

I tried to live my old drunken life sober - it didn't ever work very long for me.

As a drinker I found that my social circle was almost exclusively drinkers like me at the end...once I stopped drinking and was determined to stay that way, my buddies and I independently found we had nothing much in common any more.

I realised eventually I really dislike the bacchanalia I used to say I liked - I find it terribly empty and sad to me now- I think I always disliked it, but I loved the socially sanctioned excuse to drink...

I've made new friends and connected with old ones...I've built a new life that fits the new me...and I like it

good luck to you Hudstar - I think the real party's just beginning though

D

ButterflyMan

I'm finding myself trying to build a different type of relationship with my old drinking buddies but I know deep down they're not interested and even my interactions are very forced. As sad as it sounds, I feel like I don't have a single real friend in the world. Sometimes that voice tells me that if I get loaded with them then I won't be so lonely but I know how hollow it is. Maybe sober I'll meet people that I actually have real things in common with. Maybe. Someday.

CarolD

Glad you are keeping your sobriety intact...

When I want to wear a party hat...I have many AA members who I can find to do all sorts of things that are interesting and fun..

In our book Alcoholics Anonymous it has something about......
"We absolutely insist on having fun...we are not a glum lot"

Peter G

Meh, I'm with Dee on this. I find the hedonistic lifestyle, the clubbing, and even certain house parties now to be incredibly boring, superficial to a fault, if not a sad and somewhat lonely version of things. Once sober I've had to attend clubs due to work, and each time I found myself wondering more and more what the attraction ever was for going out and willingly spending time and money in such a strange and surreal environment. Working so long in clubs the novelty of people getting loose and tearing it up has long worn off for me. Without that novelty people just have looked silly/ridiculous to me, in a very annoying way actually. But add that supply of booze and it didn't bother me. In fact I'd join right in lol! Way different now. I mean let's face it, take away the booze and I'd bet you dollars to donuts that 90% of the folks at any club or party would be going home early and not freeing up any new calender space for the next night out.

Being a private person as well, I never really counted my friends among drinkers per say. Anyone hanging in a club with me was usually there as a drinking buddy only. Without the camaraderie of being partners in crime (so to speak) most of my "mates" fell away because in the end of my illness I isolated and only drank alone. Basically I disappeared. In my sobriety now, I don't miss them at all, and obviously they didn't miss me, which says a lot really. The close friends I've maintained were people who prayed for me to stop drinking. They hang out with me loads now. Bottom line is that sober I really can see no enjoyment in hedonistic pursuits at all anymore, and I honestly feel a bit sorry for the folks who get glued to it. Take off booze goggles and it's really not all that colorful. IMO, absolutely no loss, in fact it's a gain on my end, because I've spent some serious cash chasing that life, only to have it drain me spiritually as well as financially.

JimE

Hi Hudstar, the part where you said..........."And then there's all the things I'd always thought I needed to drink before I could relax and enjoy them: dancing, flirting, goofing around, entertaining a room etc. Nope, they were hard enough drunk; Sober, I find them goddamn impossible."

When I was getting sober I thought my drumming days were over because all the musicians I knew got high and I was under the influence during every gig since high school. Early on I met sober musicians in AA and NA. The first gig I played with them was an AA convention in CA. I was nervous before hand wondering if people would dance or have a good time while we played. During the first song basically everyone there started dancing and whooping it up, sober. I was amazed and relieved. In clubs or bars the first set was when very few people danced, you know, waiting for the booze to loosen them up. People in recovery know how to party, sober. Much more fun to play sober functions than clubs.

When I was few years sober the guys I used to play with in the old days wanted to get together for a reunion party. It started off okay but after the first set a couple of the guys in the band were doing coke and then the sets got shorter and shorter. Not even as fun for me as the sober gigs.

I'd recommend trying some sober functions like dances or picnics. People in recovery do know how to have fun!

BASEjumper

I remember I used to have a hard time at parties for the first 9-12 months of my sobriety. I one day came to realize that for me, the party was over, and had been over for a long time. Alcohol was no longer about having a good time with friends, it was about getting hammered and embarassing myself, and feeling miserable. Eventually I just drank completely alone. Enough time has gone by now that folks I used to drink with no longer offer me booze, and I've found that I have just as much fun now sober at a party as I did way back when I drank socially. Hang in there, don't give in to euphoric recall and try to remember how you felt right before you got sober.

Beebizzy

'Modest' 10 months??? Seriously? I'm on day 16 and haven't even skimmed the surface of what you describe in your post. I salute you for your 10 months.

I think I'm on the 'pink cloud' or something, and I'm a bit worried that the feelings you describe about your upcoming year (YEAR!!!) will hit me too at some point soon. I found your post extremely encouraging in that respect - so although you announce it as 'glum', to me it definitely was not. I admire you.

I was like binderdonedat and BASEjumper - a solo private drinker for most of those years. I've no idea how I'd handle parties, weddings and so on - I drank at those too, of course, but in a more genteel manner. Still can't imagine not drinking at them.

Thanks so much for your post - lack of experience prevents me from giving you a decent reply, but I wanted to say that you definitely helped me.

BB

BennyHill

Hudstar,

First of all, congrats on 10 months! This is quite an accomplishment. It sure sounds like you have a had a tough summer, but you have made it through with your sobriety intact. Hopefully you can use this fact as inspiration.
Things constantly change, and this glumness you find yourself going through will change as well, for the better if you remain sober, or for the worse if you drink again. It is not easy to stay sober, but it is well worth the struggle.

You are doing quite well, keep going down the sober path!!!

BH

happyplace

Thanks, Hudstar. You're a really good writer ("debauchery wears better clothes"...nice). It's almost 3am and my brain is mush, but I wanted to respond....
I'm about three months in (sober) and I too am trying to sort out how I socialize now sober. I've been mianly focusing on making new friends who know I don't drink from the outset and then building from there, playing a lot of tennis, taking walks, and drinking coffee...and just seeing what develops. Old drinking friends, well, I've seen them a couple of times, but I have no idea how those relationships will change now. It can be awkward. As for the new friends, I believe it necessary to be courageous about being yourself, realizing not everyone is going to like you, and being accepting of others as you would like them to be accepting of you. All of that's hard for so many reasons, but life is hard.
The big picture is also is very important. For me, the big picture is that I need a purpose in life, an attractive alternative to drinking myself into regular stupors. Many people find that in the recovery-as-lifestyle mode. I haven't but it seems to works for many. I think the key is finding love and support in community and intimate relationships.
I probably meandered a bit there....

Beebizzy

^ This. I feel exactly the same. Still working on it.

Well done, happyplace, on your activities and branching out.

BB

NightKnight

Your true friends will respect your decision, the ones that not, well they werent your friends in the first place,,, find a hobby, for me is building and flying model airplanes and shotgun shooting, almost no booze and lots of great people,,,along with exercise and my dog.

I go to parties but dont stay that long anymore, every day wakingup sober is worth the effort you put in last night in itself..

Congrats on the 10 months and keep going....it's gets better, ask around here in SR...

Mcribb

10th-12th were hellish for me, I then just tried spending money that worked for awhile, right now I am in a phase where I go to sporting events and try to cheer on the other team. It feels good. I am spending more time with my realitives trying to be of service. Even though I sometimes feel crumby people around me are hurt when I am not doing my part in society.

instant

It might be a good look at 30 but at 50 it's not. A few years ago I became aware of how I was my intoxicated state was being described on facebook by my daughter to her teenage friends !! I could feel isolated in a room full of people I was so trapped.

Boleo

SOP (Sense Of Purpose) is a HUGE part of my recovery. Without it sobriety would not be worth having. In fact, I don't blame people for asking me "Doesn't sobriety suck?"

When I feel a SOP, nothing disturbs me enough that I feel I am lacking or suffering from anything. I not only don't need alcohol or drugs, I don't see any benefit in them. I don't need parties either. If I were to make a list of things I don't need when feeling SOP, it would look like it was written by some sort of monk.

But then again, maybe I am some sort of monk... LOL!

Mescal

Good job on the 10 months. I'm on here after i drank last night to break my 4 day streak. Like many of the other posters I drink at home alone. So i need a method to leave that party. i start counseling next week, would like to start it with some sort of streak going!

Hudstar

Huge thanks, SR, as always, for indulging this recovering alkies' recurring rants.

Reading my post again and your replies made me see the truth of the matter: Recovery is about moving forward, not backward. A trite simplification perhaps, but really, what do I hope to achieve by frequenting social occasions sober while all around me my old comrades are getting nicely toasted? I want to stay connected, sure, of course, but I get that anyway from seeing good friends on more conducive terms most of the time. Not often, but that's ok. But 'parties'? Honestly? I don't think I ever really liked them. In fact I now see that, as Dee74 so succinctly put it, "I loved the socially sanctioned excuse to drink" but little else.

Funny, if I'd admitted that to my self way back I'd have felt like a right dullard. Now, it is just being honest, understanding who I really am, who I always was; someone who values conversation, quality time with quality people and a healthy amount of peace and quiet to think, learn and grow.

Recovery is so many things to so many of us who live it, but to me Recovery from alcohol addiction and addictive thinking is simply the journey back to being the person I should have been before booze cast it's dark spell on me and the journey forward towards the person I can be. One drink to me means that all that hope, all that potential for self-discovery and growth is extinguished in that first trembling sip.

Instead of letting a stupid party full of tired, ageing revellers and my own rose-tinted history of hedonism get me down, I should have remembered what it is I'm trying to do and get on with that instead.

Anyway, thanks SR and good night

Boleo

You should start a new post with that quote. Better yet, you should write a book with that title. I'll bet it would sell a million copies even if it were pure fluff. I could not pass up a book with a title like that. Opera would have to have you as a guest. You could change your name to Eckhart Hudstar... LOL!

soberlicious

Hudstar, this is so beautifully written...and it is exactly how I feel. I am not new in recovery, so more and more I find that it is less about the "not drinking" part and more about self-discovery and growth.

I actually do enjoy a party. I am very social and much more engaging now that I am sober. I absolutely love doing things sober than I never thought I could do unless I was drinking...even something as small as having a conversation with someone I just met. In those situations, I am always around enough true social drinkers or non-drinkers that I can enjoy myself. If it were an entire room full of people who are the kind of drunks I used to be...yeah, why bother? There is a room full of people but none of them are really there.

It's funny because this is where my screen name comes from...soberlicious...friends (sober and drinkers alike) call me that because they say I am so much more fun now than I ever was when I was drinking. Even the heavy drinkers didn't want to be around me when I was a drunk.

I am an adrenaline junkie...I have done so many cool things in sobriety. All the things I thought about doing before and made big plans to do, but was always too drunk or fearful to ever follow through on. Experiences are so much crisper in sobriety...hard for me to put into words...exhilarating (at the risk of sounding over-dramatic) I love facing fears...Eleanor says it best "Do the thing you think you cannot do." None of that is possible for me without sobriety.

And truly...there is nothing like a true connection with another person...being fully present with them. That just cannot happen when one or more parties is drunk/high.

One purpose in life is to be you...know yourself...love yourself, and let others share in that Thanks for sharing your words, Hudstar

Beebizzy

Perfect. This is exactly how I feel.

Thank you,
BB