Justfor1

Well internet friends I'm on day 3 this time. I've been given my "to go" detox meds that I typically need when I end up on these horrific benders. A week or so of heavy drinking 24/7 and no eating lead to my hospitilization. I estimated I've had between 15-25 hospital detoxes. At this point I don't know what to do anymore. AA seems like it will no longer work for me. This is coming from a guy who was chairing a meeting. I believe God is what will save me. The police ended up hauling me in because I was acting errractically. I believed I was having alcohol hallucinations. This no way to live but I realize that this is the way I will probably die. O well. I know I gave sobriety 100% of my effort only to fail in the end.

Dee74

You can only lose the fight when you give up, J41.

It's in your hands to turn things around - but only if you want to.

Maybe there are people who give 100% and never make it? but I've never seen one

I know I used to genuinely believe I was giving 100% too - but I kept reaching for the thing that would destroy me, and I kept on finding reasons not to get help.

That's not 100% by my estimation.

It takes a lot of effort and a little bit of time, but I've never regretted the day I really started to give everything to my sobriety.

I really believe you can do this - I hope you decide to carry on.

Best of luck to you

D

sugarbear1

Find a program that works for you and follow it! You can do it!

Justfor1

Sugabear, I'm not sure ant program will work anymore. The biggest problem I have right now is the necessary income to drink like I would like. I have such a high tolerance I can't normally drink in a bar. Although when I do I am frequently involved in fights, stolen tips ect.... My family does not let me drink in the home so I am forced to drink in the garage or on the street. It's fine now but not when the weather gets colder.
I do not have enough energy to make it into the city to panhandle so I'm stuck. I'm still detoxing so it smells like booze & family is accusing me of hitting the sauce today. The local hospital where I was discharged said that I'm not welcome there because of my disruptive intoxicated induced behavior. Frankly, I think most of my problem today is mental illness.

ReadyAndAble

How do you know? I mean, you've been drinking so long at such high quantities, how do you know where alcoholism ends and other issues begin?

I'm glad you came back here. The weather may still be warm, but you are far from "fine" when you are drinking in that garage, my friend. The good news is that here, there's always someone who drank just as much for just as long... and recovered.

sugarbear1

Your decision to stop or not. Best to you!

24hrsAday

hey man.. you are NOT alone in this problem OK? there are many,many people who are Alcoholic just like you. i know because i am one of them! the real bitch is hitting your bottom some people give up at the 5th floor and others like me have to ride all the way down to the Basement. you can stop this insanity at anytime.. you just have to be ready and surrender 100%

Justfor1

I know there are other alcoholics but are they really like me? I feel like my life can't get any worse. I need to find a therapist/doc who will consider my mental illness as the primary problem and the addiction part the rest. I beginning to realize that if I don't address the mental illness with a good doctor than I'm as good as dead. I have crossed my line in the stand & will only work with professionals would believe my mental illness comes first. I'm dying folks. I can't continue to live with this much pain. My anxiety will be worse tomorrow also because my "detox" pills/vitamins will be out. The medical people also don't believe how severe my detox is. I still look and feel like your sterotypical wino.

24hrsAday

you NEED to stop drinking before you can be evaluated for any mental issue you may be having just.. you have got to do the Next right thing and get detoxed properly it is NOT something to mess around with. you know how serious this is..

susanlauren

Just4One,
You might look back on your previous posts. I believe that Boleo or Carol gave you contact information for a long term residential treatment facility. If you are dying anyway, what do you have to lose by calling and asking for help? I remember before that you weren't interested and you felt that things weren't that bad. How bad does it have to get before you reach out for help? And it doesn't sound like now is the time to be choosy about the type of help that you receive. What do you have to lose? It would seem to me that you have everything to gain and absolutely nothing to lose.
Susan

Drexo

Posted on: 05-01-2011, 05:25 PM

... Please get help, now!

Justfor1

Thank you drexo for posting that.

wellwisher

To be honest with you, no doctor will give you a diagnosis of being mentally ill while you are under the effects of alcohol and suffer alcoholism. Barring a huge, long-term "break from reality" that lands you in a psych ward, that's probably not going to happen. In order to get a true diagnosis, you have to remove the substance from your system, and that takes time and continuing abstinence. Jumping on and off of the detox merry-go-round when you feel a little dizzy won't help you any.

You've been in and out of hospital detoxes, but your posts say you are always released. Have they every confined you to the psych ward? If you have, have you ever just walked out of them? That was your golden opportunity.

Based on posts you have written, I would ask you to consider long-term treatment in a residential setting. Detox is not rehab. I have a friend that jumps on and off of that detox merry-go-round, and it does nothing for her. She's got every excuse in the world why she can't go to rehab, and her life is miserable today. She can't do AA, she can't do SMART, she can't be alone, she can't, she can't, she can't.....but I know she can.

My experience in entering a 90 day rehab was that I was not only able to remove alcohol from my life in a supervised setting, but there were psychiatrists who work in tandem with the social workers (who were also recovered addicts and alcoholics); thereby providing a completely therapeutic setting. After rehab, we were given the option to transition to sober living houses and aftercare. IMO, you still have choices. You can choose to label yourself mentally ill, and walk the walk by panhandling in the neighborhood when the mood strikes you; be relegated to the garage as you drink yourself to death, or you can step entirely out of the box and try something different.

It is a long term commitment, but one that can turn your life around, if you choose to do it.

I am no stranger to mental illness - my brother is a paranoid schizophrenic who suffered his first breakdown in 1977, and I have spent the past 30 some odd years making sure he is cared for. He has learned to live with his illness. He DOES NOT DRINK. He used to be a heavy drinker and smoked a lot of weed and hash; he doesn't now. He spent four years in the Navy and was discharged with an honorable discharge. About a year after his discharge, he had his first breakdown. The hospital admitted him immediately.

It wasn't the psych meds that made him stop drinking. His diagnosis didn't stop his drinking. He was on psych meds for five years before he finally stopped drinking. Heavy duty meds. It didn't take five years for the meds to work. It was the fact that the hallucinogenic episodes he experienced were exacerbated by the drinking. HE made the decision to stop on his own. He finally understood that no medication would help him as long as he kept drinking. So anyone diagnosed with a mental illness can stop drinking and using. You don't need to "medicate" a mental illness before you stop drinking, and to stop drinking is not contingent on the proper psych meds to achieve that. That is a fallacy, and quite frankly, stinking thinking. NO medication is going to work effectively while you are drinking.

When it comes down to it, stopping drinking can be done whether you are mentally ill or not.

It makes absolutely no sense to take care of depression by downing a known depressant in the form of alcohol. The prescription is for an anti-depressant. If you take an antidepressent, and chase it down with a depressant, you have achieved nothing.

I really hope you consider inpatient. Don't be like my friend, who HAS ended up in jail and psych wards because of alcohol induced hallucinations. She had breaks with reality, and believed she was at the beach while she was in there, but once she detoxes, they send her home. She can't go to rehab "because she has cats and no one to take care of them". I'd tell her I'd take them, but she "doesn't want to impose" on me.

By the way, when she was released from the psych ward, she was not given medication for mental illness - it was all alcohol induced. Something to consider.

I hope you find your way.

ReadyAndAble

Well said, wellwisher.

And well said by you back in May, Justfor1. It's true. Anyone can. You can end this year a healthier, happier you.

Beebizzy

J41,

I agree that mental illness can be the primary problem and we use alcohol to self-medicate or mask it. It's my case too.

BUT there is NO POINT in taking psych meds or addressing psych problems while you are still drinking. I did it for 17 years with 0 results.

Now I'm on day 14 AF and addressing the psych issues (with meds). Hopefully, this time they will work.

Good luck to you,
BB

Boleo

If you have really made a 100% effort, it is just a matter of making a 100% surrender.

For me it was an step 1B issue. I kept trying to manage my sobriety. It was when I detached from the concept that "I" could somehow learn, find or achieve sobriety that sobriety found me. I placed myself into a long-term rehab and just focused on what they told me to do. I made no effort to manage my life except following instructions.

The military definition of surrender is "Cease fighting, lay down your arms and wait for instructions".

Justfor1

I think this is doing me no good posting in this forum. Im going to post in mental health for a while. Why is it so hard for people to believe that mental illness can come before alcoholism? It completely baffles me and can be dangerous. I have been focusing on the alcoholism for years and it just hasnt worked. I'm trying something different & I think thats good. I refuse to go to long term treatment because it is the same stuff I've been doing. I lived for 6 months at a Salvation Army. I lived 9 months at a strict half-way house. Addiction is the only disease where the blame falls entirely on the patient. It's like treatment works perfectly. Telling me that my mental health problems are entirely due to alcohol is the cruelest thing though.

TheEnd

To answer your question, yes there are other alcoholics just like you and probably worse. As much as we would like to wish, we are not terminally unique. There are Justfor1's is every country, city, and bar. The thing you have to decide is are you going to be in recovery or are you going to live a life of misery. And as much as we hate to admit it, it is a decision we have to make to get sober. How you do it, is all up to you. If one solution doesn't work for you, then try another one. You only lose when you fail to try or stop trying. That's when this disease as finally won.

You say you wish a Dr. would treat you for mental illness as the primary problem, but a Dr. can't treat your mental illness while you are still using. It's impossible to figure out where one stops and the other starts. You are abusing so heavily, not even you can tell what your problem is now. Get some help bro, before it's too late. You were sober before, you can do it again.

checkmate1

I agree with you just4one mental health issues need to be addressed as much as the alcoholism problems. I found myself self-medicating with alcohol and when I stopped I needed to increase my dosage of anti-depressants. I'm also a sufferer of anxiety life-long big issues that has stopped me in my tracks. I found though tough I got through the first 3 months and things started to get better. The anxiety has mostly gone and that is the main reason why I have stayed stopped. Go to a doctor and talk to him and maybe your in desperate need of medication. I'm 4.5 months sober and not going back.

Justfor1

Theend, after being on these forums for a while I get the impression that I am indeed a low bottom compared to others. How many other people drink alcohol related household items to get a buzz? Sometimes I am so drunk that the hospital doesn't accept me & I'm forced to stagger to another hospital to take me. I owe probably a quarter of a million dollars to hospitals! I don't qualify for public aid & was denied disability after 3 years. I was once told that I was being given a special grant to Hazelton but that never happened. I realize that I am quite the drain on society but I have a serious problem.Thank god I didn't panhandle and I managed to hit a meeting downtown and am sober at this late hour. I believe that I am one of the few alcoholics who truely believe they will be dead in 5 years unless they get help.