Please help me understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: augusta ga
Posts: 36
Please help me understand
my mom died of alcoholism. I called the person who saw her last today. the woman said my mom was soo skinny and could hardly walk. please help me understand why she drank from the age 36-47 or longer, and let herself keep drinking and die at 47, die in pain, and leave her teenage daughter here on earth. i dont understand, why didnt she stop, why did she keep drinking?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi tigerlover -
So sorry to hear about your mother. I'm sure it's hard not to wonder why she didn't get help (or maybe she did, but chose to drink again). Not everyone agrees, but I think it really is a kind of disease, and progressively affects our thinking to the point where some people give up or simply cannot imagine staying sober.
I hope, as an alcoholic yourself, that you can find peace about this.....:ghug3
So sorry to hear about your mother. I'm sure it's hard not to wonder why she didn't get help (or maybe she did, but chose to drink again). Not everyone agrees, but I think it really is a kind of disease, and progressively affects our thinking to the point where some people give up or simply cannot imagine staying sober.
I hope, as an alcoholic yourself, that you can find peace about this.....:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
So sorry, TL. I didn't know about your mom.
You know, in the last couple years of drinking, I often contemplated the possibility that I'd drink my way to a premature death. The worst part of it was imagining the impact on my daughter. It broke my heart... and yet still I drank.
I don't know why some people stop and some people don't. I do know that even when I was drinking, I loved my daughter beyond measure. Just because your mom kept drinking, doesn't mean she loved you any less.
You know, in the last couple years of drinking, I often contemplated the possibility that I'd drink my way to a premature death. The worst part of it was imagining the impact on my daughter. It broke my heart... and yet still I drank.
I don't know why some people stop and some people don't. I do know that even when I was drinking, I loved my daughter beyond measure. Just because your mom kept drinking, doesn't mean she loved you any less.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,563
Tigerlover - I drank for many years because at one time it comforted me & made me feel better about myself. I never intended for it to take over my life - or to cause me to neglect people I loved. I was a complete slave to it until I almost lost my life trying to continue my drinking lifestyle. I'm sure your mother found herself in the grips of it and couldn't find a way out.
I can't say why I finally reached out for help, or why your mother wasn't able to. I'm sure she never dreamed she would die, or end up leaving you. I neglected my loved ones, too - but they were always on my mind & I loved them dearly.
I hope you'll be able to get some counseling to help you cope with your feelings about losing her. I'm glad you came here to talk about it. Sending love out to you.
I can't say why I finally reached out for help, or why your mother wasn't able to. I'm sure she never dreamed she would die, or end up leaving you. I neglected my loved ones, too - but they were always on my mind & I loved them dearly.
I hope you'll be able to get some counseling to help you cope with your feelings about losing her. I'm glad you came here to talk about it. Sending love out to you.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I'm so sorry your Mother is no longer on this planet...prayers for your comfort and healing going out.
As a nurse...you do know sometimes people don't overcome illnesses and or diseases ...regarless of how much they want to.
I'm sure your Mother did not mean to slip away so young.
I hope you will honor her memory by continueing your sober journey.
Her spirit will always be with you ...
As a nurse...you do know sometimes people don't overcome illnesses and or diseases ...regarless of how much they want to.
I'm sure your Mother did not mean to slip away so young.
I hope you will honor her memory by continueing your sober journey.
Her spirit will always be with you ...
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
I am so sorry this happened to you. I have found some great help and support through ACA or ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). There is a forum here http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...holic-parents/ and there may be meetings where you live http://www.allone.com/12/aca/#HaveAGreatDay. The ACA Red Book changed my life and gave me hope.
I hope you find some healing.
Much love.
I hope you find some healing.
Much love.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I'm really sorry to hear this tigerlover.
This disease, addiction...call it what you will - is relentless.
I think Carol's answer was spot on here.
I hope you will look for support and help through this difficult period.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
D
This disease, addiction...call it what you will - is relentless.
I think Carol's answer was spot on here.
I hope you will look for support and help through this difficult period.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 284
I am so very sorry, what a tragedy. In this case, the disease won. It overpowered your mom's love for you and for herself. That's how potent this disease is. Hugs to you. Be strong and live the life your mom wanted to live.
Gone In
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 223
I don't think there's a reason anyone can give you. Dying from alcoholism isn't a reasonable thing. One of my wife's friends died of alcoholism at 27 a few months ago. Turned completely yellow, was admitted to the hospital, but refused treatment and went home to drink. She died a little over a week later. My wife said 'you're an alcoholic, why did she do that. Why didn't she get help? Why?'
All I know, is that when I was drinking I achieved a sort of cognitive dissonance with my drinking, myself, and my loved ones. Cognitive dissonance is believing two things at the same time that contradict one another. Like working for a construction company and believing it's completely safe, while everyday watching people get hurt on the job. Normally your brain will try to fix this on its own, in this case by changing the belief that the construction company is safe. Other ways are denial and justification, and those are what my alcoholic brain chose before quitting drinking.
For me, this manifested in the fact that I knew drinking like I was would kill me, but I denied it would affect me. I knew drinking would hurt my marriage, but I came up with elaborate reasoning to justify it. Rationalizing without being rational. I'll die if I drink, I want to live and it's okay to drink. I'll hurt my wife if I drink, but I love my wife and it's okay to drink. I held both these ideas in my mind at the same time, and believed them both. I think the alcohol made me insane in this regard. I used to get so confused when my wife would be upset with me after I got drunk, because I knew it would hurt her and I knew it was okay at the same time. Always the question, why?
Perhaps some of this was happening with your mom, perhaps not. Perhaps she simply gave up, some people do. I'm sorry for your loss, I hope you can let her go and come to peace with what happened.
All I know, is that when I was drinking I achieved a sort of cognitive dissonance with my drinking, myself, and my loved ones. Cognitive dissonance is believing two things at the same time that contradict one another. Like working for a construction company and believing it's completely safe, while everyday watching people get hurt on the job. Normally your brain will try to fix this on its own, in this case by changing the belief that the construction company is safe. Other ways are denial and justification, and those are what my alcoholic brain chose before quitting drinking.
For me, this manifested in the fact that I knew drinking like I was would kill me, but I denied it would affect me. I knew drinking would hurt my marriage, but I came up with elaborate reasoning to justify it. Rationalizing without being rational. I'll die if I drink, I want to live and it's okay to drink. I'll hurt my wife if I drink, but I love my wife and it's okay to drink. I held both these ideas in my mind at the same time, and believed them both. I think the alcohol made me insane in this regard. I used to get so confused when my wife would be upset with me after I got drunk, because I knew it would hurt her and I knew it was okay at the same time. Always the question, why?
Perhaps some of this was happening with your mom, perhaps not. Perhaps she simply gave up, some people do. I'm sorry for your loss, I hope you can let her go and come to peace with what happened.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I am so sorry for your loss. There are no real answers to why this happened. All I can do is share my experience as a mother and an alcoholic.
I have 3 daughters. Two of them were teenagers before I found a solution to my alcoholism. For me it was not a choice to drink, it was an obsession, something out of my control. It was a form on insanity. It had nothing to do with how much I loved anyone including my children. I love them dearly.
To try and explain that insanity let me tell you about my drinking pattern. My drinking would get out of control then something bad would eventually happen I would swear off but the obsession/insanity would eventually tell me that since I had not drank for a period of time it was ok to have just one as it would not get out of hand again. I had no clue how to live life without alcohol. It was a struggle to not drink. I would have that one drink and the sky would not fall in so the at some point my mind would tell me it was ok to have 2 or 3. I would have 2 or 3 and it would be ok. Eventually and invariably I would wind up right back at that place of when I drank there was no control, no having just one or two. Then something bad would happen and that cycle would start all over again. Eventually what happened was that an epiphany came to me that made me realize that my drinking was just a slow suicide that was not only killing me but hurting all those around me that loved and cared about me. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that but it was what put me at the jumping off place of knowing I could not go on drinking and knowing I no longer wanted to stretch out the pain I was causing my family but having no idea how to live without drinking. I was terrified.
Fortunately, I was able to find help. That for me came in the form of the program of AA. I am fortunate as I could easily have been like your mother and died before finding a solution to my alcoholism and caused even more pain to my children than I did while drinking.
I can not speak for your mother but I can speak for myself. I adore my children and did even when I drank. I meant no ill will or pain towards them and regret all that I caused. My drinking was not about them but an insanity/disease inside of me. Too often people do not survive that insanity long enough to find a solution to it. It sounds like your mother was one. I do encourage you to seek some therapy to help you come to terms with what happened. Take care and remember it was not about you.
I have 3 daughters. Two of them were teenagers before I found a solution to my alcoholism. For me it was not a choice to drink, it was an obsession, something out of my control. It was a form on insanity. It had nothing to do with how much I loved anyone including my children. I love them dearly.
To try and explain that insanity let me tell you about my drinking pattern. My drinking would get out of control then something bad would eventually happen I would swear off but the obsession/insanity would eventually tell me that since I had not drank for a period of time it was ok to have just one as it would not get out of hand again. I had no clue how to live life without alcohol. It was a struggle to not drink. I would have that one drink and the sky would not fall in so the at some point my mind would tell me it was ok to have 2 or 3. I would have 2 or 3 and it would be ok. Eventually and invariably I would wind up right back at that place of when I drank there was no control, no having just one or two. Then something bad would happen and that cycle would start all over again. Eventually what happened was that an epiphany came to me that made me realize that my drinking was just a slow suicide that was not only killing me but hurting all those around me that loved and cared about me. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that but it was what put me at the jumping off place of knowing I could not go on drinking and knowing I no longer wanted to stretch out the pain I was causing my family but having no idea how to live without drinking. I was terrified.
Fortunately, I was able to find help. That for me came in the form of the program of AA. I am fortunate as I could easily have been like your mother and died before finding a solution to my alcoholism and caused even more pain to my children than I did while drinking.
I can not speak for your mother but I can speak for myself. I adore my children and did even when I drank. I meant no ill will or pain towards them and regret all that I caused. My drinking was not about them but an insanity/disease inside of me. Too often people do not survive that insanity long enough to find a solution to it. It sounds like your mother was one. I do encourage you to seek some therapy to help you come to terms with what happened. Take care and remember it was not about you.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Your mother was caught in the grips of a deadly disease. I'm not sure it's something you can ever understand unless you have been there. Someone at a meeting the other day tried to explain it to a friend by comparing it to buying something you really shouldn't, but you just have to have it, even though you know it's wrong. In the end her friend didn't understand.
Most people probably couldn't understand how someone could end up in 4 hospitals in 10 days, but I was there. I was caught by the grips of my alcoholism and it wouldn't let go of me. It's scary that it can get that bad, but it does.
It's sad to say it's a deadly disease for which we only have daily reprieve and must stay vigilant if we want to keep what we have.
Sorry for your loss.
Most people probably couldn't understand how someone could end up in 4 hospitals in 10 days, but I was there. I was caught by the grips of my alcoholism and it wouldn't let go of me. It's scary that it can get that bad, but it does.
It's sad to say it's a deadly disease for which we only have daily reprieve and must stay vigilant if we want to keep what we have.
Sorry for your loss.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NS, Canada
Posts: 160
(hug) to you .. I'm so very sorry. I am 46 and nearly died of liver failure last year .. I have two daughters, probably around your age. I wish I could give you a perfect explanation of 'why' .. *sigh* ... It is a horrible, evil disease .. full of denial .. Even knowing full well that my drinking was horribly unhealthy, and deadly, and even though I love my family more than anything, I still drank .. because it was "required" (in my clouded, warped, alcoholicly twisted thoughts) to help me deal with being me ...
It's like it worms into your soul and takes over .. becomes part of you (for lack of better wording) and it's hard as heck to bust your way free of its control. It's like you "know" the consequences and how it is affecting your loved ones ... and you sooo LOVE your loved ones ... so much - believe me - but you can't quite get away from the deep need .. and you justify it .. it turns your reasoning right around ... and it makes you look and feel selfish and uncaring sometimes when the opposite is actually the case .. It is a tormenting, horrible existence that we try so hard to cover up ... I wish alcohol didn't exist.
Please let your mom's experience and her passing somehow be a learning tool for you as you go through your life ... I fully believe that we're all here for our own individual purposes .. It doesn't make sense now and probably never will, but your mom had a purpose for 47 years ... and she had you ... (hug)
It's like it worms into your soul and takes over .. becomes part of you (for lack of better wording) and it's hard as heck to bust your way free of its control. It's like you "know" the consequences and how it is affecting your loved ones ... and you sooo LOVE your loved ones ... so much - believe me - but you can't quite get away from the deep need .. and you justify it .. it turns your reasoning right around ... and it makes you look and feel selfish and uncaring sometimes when the opposite is actually the case .. It is a tormenting, horrible existence that we try so hard to cover up ... I wish alcohol didn't exist.
Please let your mom's experience and her passing somehow be a learning tool for you as you go through your life ... I fully believe that we're all here for our own individual purposes .. It doesn't make sense now and probably never will, but your mom had a purpose for 47 years ... and she had you ... (hug)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
(((Tiger)))) I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could tell you why. I wish I could soothe your heart.
The only thing I know for sure is, alcohol takes lives, wreaks havoc on families , breaks childrens hearts, and destroys the very soul of the person drinking. I'm sure your Mother loved you and tried her best. I'm also sure she didn't give birth to you and say to herself....I wanna break my childs heart and drink myself to death. Her illness took over, she couldn't find her way out.
You need to remember she loved you. I'm sure she would want you to continue in your recovery and not follow in her footsteps. No Mother wants that for her child. Sending you prayers to ease your pain and heal your heart.
:ghug3
Best Wishes To You
The only thing I know for sure is, alcohol takes lives, wreaks havoc on families , breaks childrens hearts, and destroys the very soul of the person drinking. I'm sure your Mother loved you and tried her best. I'm also sure she didn't give birth to you and say to herself....I wanna break my childs heart and drink myself to death. Her illness took over, she couldn't find her way out.
You need to remember she loved you. I'm sure she would want you to continue in your recovery and not follow in her footsteps. No Mother wants that for her child. Sending you prayers to ease your pain and heal your heart.
:ghug3
Best Wishes To You
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Brussels, Belgium
Posts: 272
Tiger, I'm so so so sorry to hear about this. My thoughts are with you. I have no answers for you, other than what has been already posted. Your poor mother was sick and trapped.
My best wishes to you - sending you strength and courage.
BB
My best wishes to you - sending you strength and courage.
BB
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
Hun, I am so sorry for your loss, and that you are having such a terrible time with this lately.
It truly is a baffling thing, our battle with booze. And speaking as a Mum, I am sure that your Mom deep inside never ever intended to leave you sweetie. It is the booze that took her from you.
And you are doing a wonderful thing to honour her memory by continuing on your sober journey. I am proud of you tiger.
It truly is a baffling thing, our battle with booze. And speaking as a Mum, I am sure that your Mom deep inside never ever intended to leave you sweetie. It is the booze that took her from you.
And you are doing a wonderful thing to honour her memory by continuing on your sober journey. I am proud of you tiger.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Tiger;
You are asking a question that has no logical answer. When I was caught in the grip of my affliction, nothing I did made any sense. I drank when I wanted to and I drank when I didn't want to. The only simple answer was I drank because I was an alcoholic who had lost all control of my drinking.
The only thing that helped me get out of my chains of addition, was last thing I expected to work - counter intuitive thinking and action. The disease doesn't make sense. The solution doesn't make sense. The one thing I did learn from all of it:
IF IT MAKES SENSE, IT AIN"T SPIRITUAL!
You are asking a question that has no logical answer. When I was caught in the grip of my affliction, nothing I did made any sense. I drank when I wanted to and I drank when I didn't want to. The only simple answer was I drank because I was an alcoholic who had lost all control of my drinking.
The only thing that helped me get out of my chains of addition, was last thing I expected to work - counter intuitive thinking and action. The disease doesn't make sense. The solution doesn't make sense. The one thing I did learn from all of it:
IF IT MAKES SENSE, IT AIN"T SPIRITUAL!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 52
My mother died from alcoholism as well. She drank very heavily and died when I was just turning 15 and my sister was 11. She was in her early 40's and I was the primary care giver since my father didn't know what to do anymore and my sister was too young. I always wondered why she left us/did this to us and now here I am a 32 year old woman battling with the same disease that she died from. You would think that I would've avoided it since I experienced it but alcoholism is conniving disease.
I can't tell you why she did this to herself only she can but now for the first time in the years that I've held resentment and anger I understand what my own mother was battling against. Try and go to Alanon it might help to share and listen to others in order to better understand the disease. I'm very sorry for your loss and can only say that in my experience time heals.
I can't tell you why she did this to herself only she can but now for the first time in the years that I've held resentment and anger I understand what my own mother was battling against. Try and go to Alanon it might help to share and listen to others in order to better understand the disease. I'm very sorry for your loss and can only say that in my experience time heals.
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